What I have realized is that it all comes with a price and my cumulative debt needed to be paid out this year. I finally hit the point where I can see that raising my family and taking care of others is nearing the end and I want to live my life authentically and not feel like I am being shut down with my own needs.
During this process of working through where I see myself going in the next few years, I became completely run down. As I reflect back, it was a cumulative effect of 20 years of dealing with intense situations and not having any significant period of time that was "easy" and "smooth". It's been about 18 + years since I went into recovery and shortly after my first husband and I separated for the final time and eventually divorced. That was exceptionally difficult and complex even afterwards for many years. I am grateful for that past 10 years we have been able to effectively co-parent and be friends. However at the time it was not like this. Uprooting 5 children and living in a bungalow with 15 people for a year was wonderful and very challenging, having a 6th child to add to the mix, shortly after my father became ill and died, I had to find work, supporting a family, finding a home, the challenges each day of being a single parent to 5 children and a new relationship and child. The stress on the children, myself having a step father in the house that has never had children and has very different expectations on how to parent were constant adjustments and stressful for all of us. Thankfully, he has a positive relationship with the children and is a strong stable support for them but, it had it's growing pains.
The greatest gift and blessing in my life has been my children and we had SO many great times in the midst of it all, and I would not change my life for anyone else's.
However, we continued to plug along and enjoyed some super fun things in the mix. Trip to Disney World with everyone, Bahamas, Mexico, lots of celebrations and positive experiences.
But, also jobs lost, readjustments to income, kids leaving, marriages, post secondary, illnesses, just life that happens. When you have so many people, it's just more blessings and more "life" that comes at you. I thought I was handling it all. I have my job title as "professional ball juggler" The end of life of my Mom, her death and losing our precious nephew Dare last year and some other things with my son was kind of the "last straw" in my reserves. I remember the first time I had the feeling that I maybe could not "do it all" when my Mom came home from the hospital and it was determined that she needed someone to stay with her at night, and knowing it would have to be me as I was the only one living close to her. I couldn't imagine how I was going to juggle school, job searching, a new job I had just gotten in a shelter, family and caring for my Mom, essentially living at two places at the same time.
My children were a great source of strength for me. My oldest daughter was definitely my right hand. I don't know what I would have done without her. The two girls from India that were living with me also took shifts staying with Mom. I had a rotating schedule posted for people coming in to stay with her and right up until she died, somehow it all came together. However, the debt of neglecting my own needs was accumulating.
So finally after a year of working crazy shifts, ignoring the cracks in my relationship, no self care, and yet another loss, my son being assaulted then experiencing his own significant struggles, and working in environments where people were in crisis and needed lots of support..it became too much. My body responded, my emotions, my mood and sleep and my ability to cope was fragile. I actually felt something in my brain short wire one day in early April. I was at work, everyone was in crisis, I had been dealing with on little sleep, my son was in crisis at school, I could not leave work and my partner was away for work. I remember sitting at the desk, crisis line ringing, clients at the door waiting, my son needing help and franticly trying to put some supports in place at the school to assist, feeling like I was going to lose it. Crying at my desk, unable to leave, unable to be productive at work and just tired of my life. I actually think I heard the singe of the short wire in my brain, it was overloaded and the debt was due!
I am on the repayment plan (tongue in cheek) of restoring that debt to myself. I have set firm self care with regards to working crazy hours. This has been tested. I have received call after call to accept shifts but, have held firm that I need two days off in a row after 5 on. I have been having some great sleeps lately, returned to yoga, started my own counselling back up, listening to what I need and not what someone else thinks I need. I am actually feeling something good shifting. Yesterday I felt that excited happy feeling again for the first time in quite a long while. I know I'm doing something right and I feel it building. I am getting stronger again but, in a whole different way. I am also more effective at my job having gone through this awful low period. I understand my clients in a way that I could not have otherwise.
Looking forward, my daughter and I are planning a trip to India for a month to do our yoga teachers training. My husband and I continue to work on our relationship and although it's had it's ups and downs, we are in an honest and authentic space with lots of hope and continue to work with a counsellor and each other to continue to grow as a couple. I see so many people stay with their partners because they are too afraid to leave or become comfortable. I am an intense person and although it can be enticing to some initially, to live with an intense person can be...well intense.. I do not want to engage in small talk, I want meaningful discussions. I also want intense soul connections with my partner physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes it's exhausting, and I find myself exhausting so I need someone who can take it and wants excitement and passion until the day they die. It is not for the faint of heart and to keep passion going after many years is work and I know it's an investment worth doing. I also want my independence and don't want someone to rely on me to make them happy nor do I expect that in return. I like my alone time and actually need it to feel whole. I have lots of interests as does my partner that do not include the other. That works for us and it's a strength and part of self care.
We have talked about in the next few years as potentially empty nesters, downsizing and travelling more. I'm ready to be thinking about this now and excited about what the future brings. I also know the next few years may be a bit up and down still as we get to that place and finish raising our family.
I feel in a very different place today then I did a few months ago, and that is a very good thing.
