Christmas Morning -December 25 2012

Talk about a strange Christmas. It is nearly 11:00 am and I am sitting alone by the tree and fire. My husband first up at 8:30am and there are signs my son was up in the night. Stocking open, paper around, empty candy wrappers, but he must have pulled a late one as he is sleeping still.

The best surprise of my life came in my door last night. I was getting ready to go to my A.A. meeting for 10:00pm and there was knock on the door. I assumed it was one of my son's friends. He answered it while I was in the powder room and called my husband first, so I thought maybe a neighbour. Then he said he needed my help. So I washed up and came out and he led me towards the tree and started asking me about opening a present. I'm thinking first "why is he walking so weird, does he have a rash" and then "why is he asking me this...again" no presents tonight. So I turned around and as I did could sense a person behind me which I figured would be my son's friend from a few houses up and it was my sister Linda. I was so shocked I SCREAMED. There have been so few times I have been truly surprised in my life, but this was definitely one of them. I have missed her so much I cannot even articulate it. She really keeps me grounded and I've missed her presence. She is here till January 3 and I will love every moment of it.

Anusha, who is Ramya's sister also arrived from India yesterday and is lovely. Our lives and house is full and I'm enjoying this time of quiet as I know later it will be much less peaceful but full of love. Going to live in the moment and savour it all.



 9:27pm: WoW, It was a good crazy family Christmas day for sure. Christian did not get up until 11:00am and so we started around 12:30pm when Ramya and Anu rolled out of bed and my youngest daughter Sam got home from her fathers. My other daughter Racheal and her husband rolled in, my friend Gail dropped by, my sister Linda was here, my son Tyler, my son Justin with his two children and former step child came in and finally my nephew, Linda's son Derek and his wife Jenna and daughter Laurel came in. It was a mad house for a long while. We had lots of good visiting and laughs then food. Everyone was tired and satisfied in the end I think. Ramya and Anu loved their first Christmas although Anu ended up falling asleep mid afternoon and is still sleeping. She is having some trouble adjusting to Canadian time. Ramya said she enjoyed the day so much from start to finish. Tomorrow we might go skating with my ex husbands family who has rented ice and back to his place for a get together.We will see what the day brings. My mother is enjoying having my sister stay at her place and is in a strange but wonderful mood lately. Visits with her since her illness have been somehow different and she seems to be lighter and happier. It was a lovely day filled with the people I treasure the most and I am grateful to have my family I have.

Day 4 of the Flu- December 22, 2012

I thought that maybe I had just come down with a cold last Wednesday when I started coughing and had a fever. I am pretty sure that it is the influenza A strain that has started early this season. First Christian who is still recovering after a week.  Now it is Saturday and the only thing that has improved in my cough. I can say today that my chest is not so tight and I don't have that deep cough I had, really hardly any cough at all. That has been rudely replaced by an overwhelming fatigue that threatens to cripple me. I slept for probably 9 hours or so last night and I stlll feel completely exhausted. Everytime I get up to do something I have to lie down to recover.My head is heavy and my stomach feels just not right. Put a load of laundry on, lie down for an hour. Carry the vacuum cleaner upstairs-lie down for an hour. It's quite depressing and has even caused me to feel sorry enough for myself to cry for a few minutes. Fortunately my husband has a great deal of patience and is pretty nurturing. I have so many things I want to do and I can't muster the energy up to make food or go downstairs. Last night I woke up to go to the washroom and was so cold I buried under the covers while my teeth clanged together while I tried to warm up. Thankfully so far it's only Christian, Ramya and myself that have gotten sick.
I got to talk with my sister on Skype last night. It was great to see and hear her. Made me feel that she is not so far away. They have been getting snowfall on top of snowfall where she is in B.C. We got our first dusting today and it is about 0 degrees so it may stay for Christmas. We have not had a white Christmas in 4 years here.
My mother had a rough trip home from the hospital yesterday. It was a calamity of errors and she ended up having to pay $130.00 to get an ambulance to bring her home. Fortunately we were able to laugh about it. My mother is in a lighter mood lately and we have had more laughs then usual.

Life goes on-December 19, 2012

It has been a heck of a few days. My son Christian was sick with a high fever terrible cough, my mother went into the hospital with pneumonia and today I'm starting to feel sick as well. I'm coughing and tight in the chest. I'm suppose to go to my friends for dinner and my A.A. candlelight gratitude meeting. It seems like this year has been filled with such struggles sometimes I find it hard to be as grateful as I should. Yesterday I was suppose to write my Indigenous Studies exam and had everything in place to get it all done. I was with my mother at the hospital lots and my brother planned to come into town from 4 hours away on Tuesday and stay Wednesday maybe Thursday. That all started according to plan. He came in around dinnertime Tuesday and spent the evening with Mom, came to our house after and we had a good visit with some laughs. I hadn't been able to study Sunday, Monday or Tuesday as planned due to some issues with my Mother so I thought I'll have a good sleep, get up and study all day Wednesday and go to school in the evening and write my exam. That was not to be, my brother called me around 9am and was already 2 hours away on his way home. He had a generator leak in his garage and his wife called him to let him know that fumes were through the house. I thought I could find someone to take the 8 hour Tylenol that my brother was taking for my mothers pain. Then I talked to my mother and knew I needed to get over there to take charge and get answers. She was in such pain and her breathing so laboured it was difficult for her to talk. I still thought, "ok I'll take my work and study at the hospital all day and write at night". Naive thinking, it was impossible to do. My professor gave me the option to write in January which I jumped at. After a long day I came home around 4 and was so tired and drained. Went upstairs and heard a terrible crash and came down and the Christmas tree had fallen over in the kitchen. What a mess. We got that cleaned up. Went to bed around 8:30 and sleeping around 10:45 and the phone rang at 4:30am with a private name/private number. I immediately thought the worse with my Mother, there was just a beeping on the other end. I thought maybe I had pushed the wrong button to answer it in the dark. I waited for a few minutes and no call back and thought I am not going to sleep until I find out if Mom is ok. I turned on my 1computer to look up the hospital number and called. They indicated they had not called and Mom was good. So I shut down my computer and as I'm shutting it down an icon comes up and text in it says "he's dead". I was confused and just closed it and got into bed. Shared what happened with my husband and we both through" we need to check Christian" who was fine, not sure what the was about. It was a weird happeneing anyhow. December 20/12: Mom sounds much better today and I think she may be released tomorrow. I have developed a cough and not feeling too well so I'm a bit worried about being near her and giving her something new. Today I will be taking it very easy and maybe stay horizontal all day. We'll see what the day brings.

Endings and Beginnings-December 14 2012

My son Justin turns 29 today. He was my fastest birth. An induction and 3 1/2 weeks early only took 2 hours from start to finish and was 7lbs. He is a ray of sunshine in my life and working through some challenging things as a single father trying to make sure the best interests of his children are a priority. He is loving, kind, sensitive super creative and has the patience of a saint I have learned.  He is such a good dad and I am so proud of him.
I am also officially finished my S.S.W. program today. I cannot believe it myself and wonder where the time went. I finished up at my placement agency yesterday and am waiting on word about a job there. Not waiting for fate to find me I have submitted about 15 cover letters and resumes yesterday and am optimistic about finding my passion in a job. Our Indian daughter now has a sister coming from India who also wants to stay with us. We will probably accomadate this request however, will need to make some adjustments to the living arrangements so it works for the whole family. Gone from 4 in the house up to 6 again. Going the opposite way. I keep hearing the word faith whispering in my ear. Everything that I need will be provided. Some days I struggle with it more then others. Beginnings are such fun! I must let go of the fear and resentments I hold to be free.

“It requires more courage to suffer than to die.”-December 2, 2012

Been a very challenging time for me lately. I'm not handling things very well at all. I talked with my sponsor who is such an amazing support for me and she keeps telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I say WHEN? I'm tired, I feel such hopelessness right this minute that I am having trouble seeing beyond it. I'm not sure if it's the 2 year anniversy of my work betrayal that still haunts and hurts me or what I perceive as my needs not being important in the big scheme of life. I have applied to many jobs and once I get one I have new decisions to make. I feel betrayed, uncared for, unloved, unappreciated, taken advantage of, and so incrediibly lonely and hurt.Not saying it's justified, just saying how it is. My brain has just stopped working and I have hit some invisible brick wall. I need peace somehow.
God Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Endings and endings-November 25 2012

So much is going on and I feel at such loose ends right now. My best friend and sister is moving across the country this week. I am not sure when I will see her again. I am so happy for her living out her dream yet, I feel such a loss. My newest friend Nancy at my placement is also moving away this week. We have become fast friends and soul sisters. She accepted a job in Alaska, so Friday is her last day. I will miss her so much, she has been someone that I really connected with but, I know she will help so many more people on her journey. My placement is coming to a close and I have begun the task of terminating my schooling and internship. I have 3 weeks left to go and have started the arduous task of job hunting and saying good-bye to the clients and staff that I have come to really feel are part of me. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders right now and I honestly just want to do a turtle. Crawl inside and hide until things feel right in the world again. I'm just tired out by the past two years and well before that. Not a great way to feel before winter even begins. I trust that this too shall pass and I hear the whisper of "have faith" in my ear. One foot in front of the other.

Spirit of the Wind-November 15, 2012

So much is changing, so quickly. I have felt that I had to write again and it was time and like my brother in law the 7 minute artist, I am the 7 minute poet. When it comes it comes.

Spirit of the Wind

The wind it speaks to me

Sometimes I do not understand

I ask for answers

They come

Sometimes in a stinging realization

Often as a gentle awakening

Reminding me

That I am walking on this earth

With purpose

That my path

Will not always be clear and easy to see

 I must listen for guidance

With my heart and soul

My mind gets in the way

So I close my eyes

Feel the wind and listen

For my true purpose

The struggles that I must overcome

Confuse me..

Make me Question

For a moment

I feel the earth beneath me

Close my eyes

I spread my arms out wide

 I ask the wind

Point me in the direction I must go

The spirit of the wind embraces me and I realize

I have my answer

~Sandy

YouTube Drumming and Singing-November 9 2012

I had to do a video post about self care for our discussion board so here it is.

http://www.youtube.com/my_videos_edit?ns=1&video_id=ECXInvrjFgU

Also this week has been hectic. I had one day there were back to back intense sessions, so I have come to realize that I need to "close off" at the days end or I will not sleep well. Listening to Chakra clearing or Yoga Nidra seems to help. Here is awesome community event I'm at tomorrow.

Belly Button Birthday-October 27 2012

It is my 49 year birthday today and it sounds pretty old but, on the inside I feel very much younger. I am learning and growing in leaps and bounds these days. My placement is going well and my spiritual growth seems to be evolving at a rapid pace these days. I have always been aware of energies around me and have experienced some unusual things however, I had had some pretty intense experiences surrounding spirit lately and have become aware of many things that have previously not been in my conscious level. Nancy at the agency has some psychic ability although I have not talked much with her about that, she has encouraged me and guided me about how to handle things that have come up. From what she says it's not something I can choose not to have so, I need to learn how to understand and use what is shown to me in a positive way. I can reflect on some unusal things that have transpired physically that also relate to my spirit connection. The constant buzzing in my ears, the buzzing in my feet that I got an MRI to check out, and of course nothing wrong, the white flashes of light in my periphial vision that I thought were my retina's detaching. I am going to spend more time in meditation to heighten my awareness and at least relax more.
Last night I feasted my new drum When you make your drum you need to have ceremony performed and "birth" your drum. It involves elders and water and food, prayers and drumming and singing by a circle of people and that is exactly what happened. My husband Will and son Christian came up with our new "adopted" daughter Ramya. We enjoyed a feast after and came home.
This upcoming 50th year of my life I look forward to 15 years of sobriety in January, graduation from my social service work program in June and my 50th birthday in October. I have a feeling this upcoming year is going to be profound on many levels.


I wish I wish I wish



Brand New Grandgirl Lydia Grace DOB Oct 10/12- October 13, 2012

I welcomed my newest grandchild on October 10 2012 at 11:49 PM. Lydia Grace and she was 7lbs 1oz at 21.5 inches long.
I was called around 4 pm at my placement in Peterough and went straight to their house. She decided shortly after she preferred to be in the place she would eventually give birth and not make the very rough transfer like last time at 8cm. It was also a VBAC so she was required to stay on continuous EFM to monitor the baby. She had severe back labour due to the baby being in OP position. I did the double hip squeeze for hours as it seemed to be what helped, with warm packs. Her Mom and Sister and my Son were also there. She requested pain meds after a few hours of coping with intense back labour and had an epidural around 9:00PM. Based on how hard she was working with her contractions I thought she might be further then the 3-4cm she had been a couple of hours earlier. She had one on top of the other and sometimes no break in between. The nurse although quite competant at her medical skills lacked in the emotional end of providing nursing care. She snapped that it would not make any difference. Her mother also mentioned it and got the same response. She had the epidural and got excellent pain relief and when they allowed us back in the room we found out she was fully dilated and they ruptured her membranes. She felt much better and had the pressure with contractions without the pain. Since she was not feeling the urge to push yet, and the baby was not that low yet they let her "labour down" which means the uterus continues to contract and push the baby down lower on it's own. I was glad they suggested that since she had no urge to push and would be on "the clock" once she started pushing. She stayed this way for about 90 minutes and it worked great to bring the baby down much lower. Some of the side effects of the epidural were all over trembling and she developed a fever. Due to the fever the baby experienced an increase in her heart rate. This happened about 45 minutes before delivery. They indicated that the RT person would be at the birth because of the increase in heart rate. She began to push and initially it seemed a bit slow and the nurse made an offhand comment about the baby being OP still and I questioned her a bit after seeing the look of worry on my daughter in laws face and she confirmed that she would be "pushing" this baby out in whatever position she was in she was low enough. When she realized that she would be having a vaginal birth her face had this look of joy and peace and she had tears streaming down her face. I knew how much that this meant to her, and many people have difficulty understanding it, but I absolutely understood and it moved me to tears as well. She had great success pushing the baby down and within about 30-40 minutes I could see the baby's hair sticking out. The doctor asked about doing a "little cut" and she shook her head no. I was wishing he supported all around a bit better as she crowned and she did tear up the front a bit. The baby came out quickly and she strained to see her but the bed was set so low at the foot she could not see. The doctor quickly handed the baby off and the RT could not get the baby to breath and they quickly called a code pink. I could hear the hospital speakers announcing a code pink in the birthing suite of our room and it seemed like a surreal experience. A team of people were in the room immediately and surrounded the baby. I felt so helpless at that moment, all I could say to them was "she is having some trouble transitioning" and "they are doing what they need to do" after several minutes and no response I actually had a thought that she might not make it and how would I be able to help them get through this. I heard them say something about no breath sounds. I started to feel light headed myself and very nauseaous to the point I actually thought I might throw up. I knew intellectually that these were signs that I might faint and knew that was the last thing that this situation needed. I quietly slipped out and the nurses station was right there so I asked them for some juice and sat in a chair for a minute and a few sips of juice and I felt fine again. I had not had any food since lunch time and it was nearly midnight so maybe the shock with low blood sugar. I knew I had to get back in there and see what was going on. They were taking the baby to NICU and they had gotten her breathing established and I did not see but was told mom got to have a quick hold and kiss her first. They passed by me in the bassinet incubator and her little fist waved at me as she passed. My son went with her and we all stayed to comfort my daughter in law. She was upset and we tried to reassure her and allow her to express however she needed to. Her mom had experienced the same physical reaction as I had and was trapped in the corner behind my son, so she made sure she was out of sight of her daughter and sat on the floor. Emotional shock causes a sudden change to the nervous system when the blood pressure and heart rate drop suddenly and the blood doesn't pump blood back to the brain fast enough. The pediatrician came in and said the baby had a hard time transitioning and she was fine now and there was no reason to think any problems would come as a result of it. She would be observed and brought in likely within a few hours. We all got to go in to see her before we left and she looked wonderful.

Lydia 1 hour old in NICU

(Picture in NICU an hour old)

In the end the baby was fine, observed for about 5 hours and brought back to Mom and Dad and they brought her home the next day. I continued to relive this scene in my head the day after and when I held her the next day I was moved to tears with gratitude that she was ok. I am not sure how this affects my feelings about hospitals and home births. On one hand I am so grateful that this team responded to make sure all turned out well but on the other the problems were likely cause by a side effect of the epidural, but what if they were not and this happened at home. That is the question that haunts me and I wonder how this will affect my confidence in home birth moving forward. I also found myself angry with God. They had such a difficult first delivery, difficult second pregnancy, they are such kind loving people and parents and deserved a break and this happened, for what purpose? Maybe to remind us of the fragility of life? I don't know but I reflect on how things can change in an instant and how we need to embrace every moment we have with our loved ones and have no regrets because you might not have a second chance. I am filled with gratitude for the blessing of this little girl and their inclusion of me in this special time of their lives.

Feeling overwhelming gratitude for Lydia

My son Shawn and I with Lydia

Welcoming Ramya-September 30, 2012

It is the last day of September and I cannot believe the month is over. I love my placement and am learning new skills daily. I most enjoy the community resource meeting in Oshawa. It was lots of idea sharing and they are a progressive bunch. I really like them. I love travelling with Nancy the long term counsellor. She is an amazing woman and teacher. We started a new group last week and it went very well. I know many of the women now and they know me. It seems like I have been there longer. This week we have the sisters in spirit vigil, which will be a silent walk and then vigil with a speaker and reading aloud the 528 missing or murdered Aboriginal women in Canada. I went into Toronto on Friday to visit three of the Aboriginal friendship centres/womens resource centre and got to talk to the volunteer co-ordinators at two of the three and got information from the other. All in all a great day. Ramya our international student from southern India is here to stay with us this year. She is renting a room from us and going to U.O.I.T. I'm sure it will be a learning experience for everyone and I look forward to getting to know her better. I'm having a few issues with allergies. I started some Valerian Root and GABA from the health food store to help me sleep, but my mouth is swollen and sore, so I guess that is the end of that. My beautiful sista-friend is coming in the end of the week for our sisters in spirit vigil and we will be making native drums the next day. My new grandchild is due any day.  Life is good.

Placement first 2 weeks-September 16, 2012

What a few weeks I have had. I have had a wide range of experiences and feelings during this time. My first week I was frustrated and felt like I had possibly made a terrible choice. It seemed very disorganized and I was unsure of how I saw myself fitting in. I made a time to meet with my supervisor Monday morning and things have fallen into place nicely now. I have a sense of purpose and have admiration for the work that the workers do every day with little funding. I have had the opportunity to do many counselling sessions, shadowing the long term counsellor and participating in a minor way. I have experienced a group session for sexual abuse survivors that included art therapy, been to community resource meetings, helped host a lunch/activity for the Grannies, done some research. I started my Indigenous Studies at Trent last week and the Professor does not seem to be inspiring, but I will keep an open mind. We have a room for rent in our house now and have a PhD student from India going to UOIT looking at it tomorrow. I have my 2 weeks off now from cleaning, and I'm so happy to have a break from it, my body is hurting. My elbow hurts and my back has been a bit sore. Will is looking for an outside job now. Being in business for yourself does not always help pay the bills and that is the reality of it now. Hopefully he can find something that allows him to blend his skills and passion for photography, even if it's in the off hours. Despite the challenges, life is good.

Daughter Racheal turns 27-August 18, 2012

I cannot imagine where the years have gone. I remember the day Racheal was born like it was yesterday. I woke up around 1:00am feeling a bit crampy, not unlike the previous few days/weeks. Within the hour I knew it was real labour and woke my husband up. He dawdled a bit and got a shower and grabbed some tea and food. By the time we were making the 20 minute drive, he was running red lights. I was 8cm dilated when we got to the hospital and she was born at 3:17am. She was this perfect pink little girl and I was in awe of her. I had 2 boys previously, my sister had 2 boys, my brother had 2 boys, my husband was 1 of 5 boys (1 girl) so I had expected that I would continue to have boys and I loved being a Mother to boys, so this was unexpected. Racheal was perfect as far as newborns go. She had a perfect round head, and pink skin and rosy plump lips, and a light covering of dark hair. She even scored a 10 on the APGAR scale, which is almost unheard of. When they placed her in my arms I was in love. She continues to amaze me today. A heart so big and kind, she is a Mother to all she meets. She has such an entrepreneurial spirit, owning a successful businessfor many years.  Although she is talking about post secondary school next year, I know she will continue to search for things outside the box, and I love that about her. She is always searching for ways to understand herself better, not afraid to walk through the pain to reach the joy on the other side. She is beautiful inside and out. The dark hair turned blond, but the rosy plump lips still are there. I am still in awe of her.

Semester Winding Down-July 29, 2012

I am nearly finished my assignments for the semester. I just have to proof read one and I'll do that tomorrow with fresh eyes. This leaves me in good shape to finish my last two weeks of the semester. There have been many changes at school and the mood has changed lots from May until now. It will be interesting to see how everyone makes out on placement. I am doing mine at an Aboriginal Womens Service Agency that specializes in Violence Prevention and Treatment. I have much to learn and am humbled by the people that are there. I'm tired now though and ready for a break. I have enjoyed being in school so much, although if paying the bills was not a concern I would have been more relaxed through it and possibly not pushed through the summer to get done fast, but it is what it is. Working with the commercial business has been busy, and I'm part of a board of networking small businesses in the area and I'm starting back up with my university course in the fall. I'm taking Indigenous Studies one night a week. I do not think there are any vacation plans in the near future for us. Just no money to spare, even to go camping. I will go to my sisters for a few days and get/give some sista love. Spend time not thinking about where I need to be, what I need to be doing, what I'm forgetting, is my car going to make it to where I'm going? Getting these assignments done is a huge load off my mind. Corn roast at my friends next week-end in Peterborough will be a nice time out.

Remembering Andre the Cat-July 5, 2012

Today I write with a very heavy heart. Our cat Andre who would have been 18 this November has died. He has not been well for some time and the past few day he lost control of his bladder and bowels and was in a short time of distress, but then seemed to just sleep and change position and even drink a little bit of water. He enjoyed pets and visits with everyone. I really hoped he could just die peacefully in his sleep, but a few days passed and he was not improving or getting much worse, other than his ability to move around much. He just looked like he was afraid to move too much, and I did not want him to suffer.I am so conflicted about euthanasia. I am told it is the kinder way, but I also believe that informed consent is required and how do we really know what he wanted. Anyhow what is done is done, and my husband Will and I made what we felt was the best decision for Andre, as difficult as it was for us. Due to his poor health his blood pressure was very low and the medication took quite a long time to work. It did not pump through his body with much force. He fell into a deep sleep, but kept breathing and his heart beating. They gave him a second injection and eventually had to inject it directly into his heart. He did not move at all for that, and I felt he had left a few minutes before that anyhow. It was really our pain that we were crying for, he was free at last from his old and worn out body. Fortunately is was less then a minute after the injection and he physically passed over.  He has been such a loyal companion to our family. He's been with me longer than my husband or youngest son. He has seen me through divorce, addiction, recovery, stalker who set fire to my house (with him in it), remarriage, birth, death of my father and others, marriages of my children and birth of grandchildren, jobs and job losses. He has been there through the good times and the lowest of low times, always loving me unconditionally. This has been much harder than I expected and I feel such grief. A friend sent me a poem that I will share as I grieve and miss my special friend and loyal companion.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

My first child is 30-June 14, 1982

My first child Shawn was born 30 years ago. It seems impossible to me that it's been that long. He as born at 10:54pm 7lbs 1oz at 40 weeks after about a 7 hour labor, which is not so bad for a first time. Back then they kept you in the hospital for 5 days for an uncomplicated delivery.

I remember how excited I was to become a mother at the tender age of 18. He was and is such a joy to have. He was a happy sweet baby and independant and respectful little boy and has grown into a loving, kind and responsible man and father to his almost 2 children.

I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Friendship with my sister Linda-June 3, 2012

I had to write a short journal entry for a class about an important friendship that I have had, so here it is.

An important friendship in my life is one with my sister Linda. There is an age difference of seven years between the two of us and there was no type of  friendship until we were around 18 and 25 years old. Even then, it was not what I would consider a close relationship.

 My definition of a close friendship with a person is that you are willing to share any problem with them, be completely honest and know that they will not judge you. It is always a reciprocal relationship. Conflicts are discussed openly and resolved without fearing a loss of the friendship. My close friendships are people that accept me the way I am, imperfections and all, and I feel the same way about them.

My definition of a close friendship has changed over the years. 25 years ago, my definition was less intense. I expected less from people, mainly because I was afraid they could not live up to my expectation and I usually got what I expected. I pretended to be something I was not and I never let my guard down. Therefore, I did not attract people that were any different than I acted. I had many superficial friendships and felt that I had such intense feelings that nobody could understand or accept if they ever knew the real me. Thank goodness, I was wrong about that. It was just my stinking thinking once again.

Linda and I kept in touch and were both busy living our "important" lives however; we both hit a wall of crisis within a few years of each other.  About 15 years ago I went through turmoil and change in my life. And, due to the fact I had never allowed people to see the real me, when the "real me" came out, it was surprising, shocking and also mixed with relief.  Working through my program of recovery, I got honest with others, made amends to those that I needed to, which included her and started to live an authentic life. My inner and out self were finally beginning to match. Perhaps it acted as a catharsis for my sister or perhaps it was just her time for change as well. She started to make some meaningful life changes that included removing unhealthy things and people from her life and adding some healthy things. We moved forward together sharing a common goal of healing and healthy living. She threw herself into yoga and meditation and I threw myself into a self-help program. Although it may sound like we were pursuing very different things, it felt common to us. The means may have been different, but the result we were pursuing was similar. We both aspired to have joyful, mindful lives while enjoying superior emotional, mental and physical health. This does not mean that we have always been successful with this. We have experienced some low points, such as the death of our father, divorce and many other things. The difference is we always call each other to share our troubles honestly and often there is no solution, but we know the other is there to listen and be fully present in the moment. She teaches me so much about myself and I hope I am able to do the same for her. She is fearless in her pursuit of her dreams and inspires me with her courage.

My sister and I were finally in a position in our lives to take a trip together last summer. We went to Nelson, British Columbia and spent a week at a fabulous hostel with no plans for the day except waking up and deciding what we wanted to do with the day. Usually it was something we both wanted to do, sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it was different from the other, and always it was ok.  Every night we could be found on the big white porch of the White House backpacker’s hostel drinking peppermint tea and talking and laughing, lots of laughing.

We are very different people Linda and I, but we now accept each other unconditionally and value the differences we have. We have the ability to have a misunderstanding or disagreement, address it, and then move on. Our relationship has gone through so many stages and changes that have tested our patience and commitment. I believe it only makes our relationship special and ultimately stronger in the end.

  Our husbands are supportive and understanding of our independant spirits and we are very lucky to have them in our lives.

We talk about being old women and travelling the world together.

I cannot think of anyone else I would rather do this with than my sister Linda.

Quietly Working Away-June 2, 2012

What a difference a week can make. Last week we were dripping in heat, this week-end it is literally dripping, but with rain...and wind. However, this is a good thing since the plants need a good soaking and it allows me better focus to get some work done. It has been such a crazy busy week. Coming off a long week last week, jumped into another one. Back to my cleaning shifts and we picked up a new job, so Friday night (last night) was a first clean and then volunteering at the women's shelter this morning. I also had a placement interview (my first) at an Aboriginal Women's Shelter yesterday and I'm thrilled to say they offered me a position for placement on the spot. I love many things about this place and think it may be a great fit. I do have two other places I want to interview at, and am now worried a bit that if I get offered other positions, I will want to do them all. It is a great problem to potentially have though. I am looking forward to the rest of the week-end and the week ahead. Some sales/networking Monday and late start Tuesday at school and a normal week ahead. I've got quite a bit of my work done, just lots of readings to do tomorrow and a couple of shorter assignments. Life is good.

Glorious Heat-May 26 2012

I am happy to say everything is hot hot hot! the temperature has risen to the high 20's and 30's in the past week. I am embracing the heat this year...for now I have resisted turning on the A/C in order to feel it all. I feel like every molecule in my body in on heightend awareness, along with embracing sadness, wonder and gratitude at the amazing people out there and the world we have be given to live in.
It is Saturday and I had non violent crisis intervention today at school. It is all about first recogizing the signs that lead to crisis and attempting to avoid it, and then dealing with individuals that are escalating and threatening. It included verbal reasoning and directives, physical protecting and restraining of individuals and self defense. Some interesting stories from some and others seemed to wonder what they were getting themselves into. We have had so much drama at school. A teacher feeling bullied and with some just cause, although she is contributing to the problems. I have calmly voiced myself on a few occasions when I felt it justified. Either supportive and empathetic or requesting that people quit carrying this grudge they seem to have, so we can focus on our studies and not on this drama that most of us know little about due to privacy although we can guess who the instigators are. Most recently our program head came in to address our class, saying that some of the students have complained that they do not feel safe in class. We do have some loud and aggressive people in our class, that for the most part add flavour to discussions, but I can see how some who have little life experience may feel intimidated during some heated discussions they have. The vulgar language and swearing come across as aggressive and these few are very argumentative and stubborn. When they say something that I don't agree with or feel is incorrect, I weigh the decision to jump in with how strongly I feel about the subject and if it will add to the topic or not. I have jumped in when they start talking about alcoholism or something to do with childbirth, some things I am just too passionate about but mostly I'm willing to let the few that enjoy the sparring, fight it out and pick my battles very carefully. Time is too short to be arguing and fighting about nothing important. My friends and I stick together for most of the time and are able to avoid the drama.
Husband Will is in Kingston photographing a wedding today with a former work employee and will be home in the new few hours. We went on a 3-4 hour hike Monday and 5 days later my legs actually stopped hurting today. We have been re-connecting in many ways and enjoying each others company more and more.
We think my new grandchild is a girl, and although there have been complications with the pregnancy she is beginning to feel better now. I babysat my grandson last night and he is such a sweet little boy. Talking lots more now. I feel like a new part of life is beginning to open up and I am excited to move into the second half of my life!

I am now Tweeting!-May 7, 2012

We are now beginning to get serious about growing our commercial cleaning business. SRS commercial cleaning. We are boosting our social media, including Twitter. I feel like I've been in the dark ages, and love to Tweet now! As with all things I need to remember moderation. Working on our facebook fan page and LinkedIn accounts, networking and marketing. A few bumps in the road of life over the week-end, but it's all good! Had a nice although short visit with my sister, and went to bat advocating with my mother, but now she has decided not to pursue. I need to remember that when advocating for someone to only do what THEY want me to do, not what I want, so back off I will do.

 Back to school tomorrow, and I'm mixed about that. Looking forward to it, but know I'm going to be stressed to the max in another few weeks. Moderation moderation moderation. Did I say I need balance in my life? My daughter Samantha took me out for an early mothers day to see the Hunger Games last night. We ate way too much junk food and had a good time.

Beginnings and Endings-April 30, 2012

It is the last day of April. I will be happy and relieved to say good-bye to the past month. It has been incredibly stressful and painful, but also provided me with the opportunity to grow and change. I have been finished school for over a week now, finished with a 94% average  but spent most of that week feeling ill. Short of breath and coughing, slightly feverish. I believe that the body fights things off as needed, but eventually it needs to surrender and once I finished everything I needed to do, it said "enough" I need a rest! So today I woke up without a headache and feel pretty good...hurray! I am working again today with a new person that has 2 months sobriety, and going through the steps with her, helps me grow as well.  My relationship with my husband is hitting a whole new level of intimacy, and although fulfilling, it also can be so hard at times. "they never said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it", whoever "they" are, better be right! Sometimes things need to change in order to get better, and that is where we are at. We've been through alot together in the past year and a half, so change has been non-stop and at times we have been as well. This is an opportunity for us to redefine our needs and dreams while we move to a whole other level and I am ready for it. My son sold and bought a new house in the last week. I have one more week before I start back and I plan to enjoy it. The weather is suppose to be great this week, and I'm going to spend some time with my grandson, and maybe get a haircut, a pedicure and I have coupon for a 30 minute massage I am going to attempt to use. My sister is coming in at the end of the week, so I am looking forward to seeing her. She is going to be moving far away soon, and I want to hold onto these precious visits.  Last week was all about other people and healing and this week is all about taking care of me and empowering myself further. Hello May!

Gathering Strength-April 17, 2012

It has been an incredibly busy and draining couple of weeks, but I'm gettting a break very soon. An exam tomorrow, and two on Thursday, then a couple of final workshops on Friday and the semester is done! 2 weeks off and then back to it. The flowers are starting to bloom and my beautiful flowering bush should be opening up in another few days or a week. Change is in the air. I am struggling with a few emotional things that are quite heartbreaking, but I know if I stay true to myself and do the next right thing, it will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. I'm glad I have lots of good people to share with that I trust. I have many things to be grateful for. So I am going to take my time and be kind and patient with myself and others right now, and trust that I will know what I need to do.

Just plain tired-April 1, 2012

Relationships have been very draining this week-end, more an accumulation of relationships that has caught up to me this week-end. I'm tired of working so hard at it, on top of it, something from someone revealed a burden that was placed on my heart. I understand why this person needed to talk, I just don't think maybe I should have been the receiving end of it, it's just too much for me. It may send me into therapy. I'm just plain tired. Glad to be back to school and routine tomorrow.
In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you love? How deeply did you learn to let go?
~The Buddha

Peace, Serenity and Joy-March 28, 2012

Coming to the end of the semester and I feel comfortable with where I am at. I have worked hard and gotten good marks so far and feel well prepared going into the last few weeks. I have also been doing quite a bit of service work in my 12 step program, it is bringing me contentment in my own recovery as well. "You have to give it away to keep it" is a true statement if I ever heard one. I am also back to exercising. Getting to the gym 4-5 days a week, and I feel great. I feel like I am caring for mind body and soul right now. Not everything in life is perfect by any stretch, attempting to stay positive about finances, or lack of them. I know it will all fall into place as it needs to. I am so blessed with abundance in many ways. I have an amazing family although it is difficult to maintain strong relationships in the midst of constant stress and not everyone around me has a program of recovery to work with. I am learning and growing every day, and I know that I can only control one person, just me.

Spring beautiful spring-March 16, 2012

My goodness, it is such a beautiful spring day, although spring is officially a few days away yet we have enjoyed temperatures in the high teens and 20's this week and for the week ahead as well. I was out for a bike ride today. I am working on a self care plan. It has been a difficult few months, I have struggled with a heavy, unmotivated, depressed kind of feeling off and on for a few months. It was worst about six weeks ago, and it's slowly lifted and I feel much more like my old self the past few weeks. I have decided I need to get healthier. Including eating better and exercising regularily, additionally getting more involved in my 12 step program and the people in it.

School is going well, and my new goal is to finish with a 90% overall average. A high goal to be sure, but I can do it. I have Tuesday's off now and most Friday's so it's been more managable lately. It is the March Break and hubby Will and Christian are at the sportsmans show today. I do love my solitude, it feels like the house always has someone in it, that I'm savouring the alone time. Not that I don't love spending time with my family. I just need the solitude to recharge my battery sometimes. It's been a tough year in many ways and just because we get older, doesn't mean everything gets easy with relationships. It's still constant work and some day's I am up for the challenge more than other days. Today is ok though. I am going to the A.A. Ontario conference with some dear friends and I am looking forward to a few days of fellowship and connecting with people who are just like me. I am looking forward to watching the blooms open up and seeing life growing outside my window. Speaking of which I am to be a Grammy again in October and I am thrilled.  My son came over with my grandson last week-end, since the Momma to be is quite sick with morning sickness and mentioned me being the doula. My heart is full.  I got the pleasure of picking up Jack last week to have over for the afternoon. He is so much fun! Picture of my youngest grandson Jack. 15 months.

Family Day Week-end-February 18, 2012

Our first real snowfall of the season in Whitby. I think we may have gotten close to 5 cm finally. I know--hard to believe here in Canada our first "amount" of snow is end of February. I'm really buried in school work. I got 14.5/15 on my first assignment, which is encouraging, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with the amount of work. I have 2 midterms next week and as4 signments more to do, and I've finished 1 already, and started 2, and there are 2 I haven't started yet. Forget the readings. Thankfully after next week, it's reading week, and I'm confident I will be doing work all week. Group projects out the yingyang, at least my groups are pretty terrific. Great people, no drama. Getting over my winters blahs at least. About 6 weeks worth of as close to feeling depressed as I hope to ever feel, and it seems that many are stuck in it this year. Biggest complaint right now it my back and neck. I think it's probably from my backpack, but a few weeks worth of pain and tension has me ready for a massage.

Snowed in-January 19, 2012

Well my first official "snow day" in Peterborough. It happens to be my youngest childs 13th birthday today, so I really wanted to be home, but my plans and the overall universe plan, are not always the same I have come to realize. We got about 6 inches of snow in about 3 or 4 hours. It just came down like crazy, and I started out to attempt to drive, but the white outs and snow covered roads convinced me to stay. So I'm tucked in my home away from home, with an egg salad sub, and a new book. I am not even going to study tonight. My stomach felt a bit "off" all day, but it seems to have recovered nicely now and I felt like I was running a fever, but that too seems to have gone. Other than the loud noises coming from my stomach, everything seems to ok. Hopefully whatever was bugging me has come and gone. I am glad I woke Christian up at his official birth time of 5:59am this morning to wish him a happy birthday. His two sisters are taking him out for a birthday dinner, and we'll have ours with him and the brothers and grandparents on Saturday evening. All is well with the world.

First Week-Second Semester-January 15 2012

Well, first week down, 14 to go this semester. Getting involved in some student leadership now. Did new student orientation, we had about 700 new students come in last week. I'm also put in to do peer tutoring, and within a few hours had a request for 2 regular jobs. It is going to be a busy semester, and I love my sign language course. I hope to continue it and be able to develop that skill. My 1 year of termination past 11 days ago. It was a tough day to get through actually. I still have some residual feelings that come up from time to time. The more I understand and reflect, the more I am in disbelief about that place and most of the people. Mostly I am just grateful to be free of that bondage and be moving forward.
It is extremely cold right now, but we have had an amazing winter so far. The first real snow of the year is finally on the ground. This past week, I stayed in Peterborough Wednesday night, due to freezing rain and snow. I had to miss a 1 year medallion at my group and the business meeting, which I hate to do since I'm the secretary, however "first things first". Then Friday I started out and got about 20 minutes in and turned around due to the treacherous road conditions.
I think today is a "home" work day. The house is a mess, so cleaning house and maybe a work out are in order. My friend at school Kathy was away last week, and I will be so glad to have her back tomorrow. We had adjusted our schedules so we are in every class together. She is a straight shooter and hard worker, and we have lots of laughs together.

1 year past-January 5 2012

365 days into my new life now. It is 1 year and 1 day since I was terminated without cause. The only regrets I have are some of the people that I thought were friends turned out to be the opposite of friends, and that continues to cause me some occassional sadness and disappointment, but I will keep healing and time will help with that. I am on my true path today and  I am happy joyous and free!

Welcome 2012-January 2, 2012

We had a great ushering in of the New Year at my sisters place. It was a great year of change for everyone, and the company was wonderful to spend time with. A childhood friend, more of my sisters, but fantastic person, Lee and her husband Ron, my sister Linda and brother in law Michael, my nephew Derek and niece Jenna and their child Laurel who I absolutely adore. She is such a joy in my life. Also my husband Will and son Christian. Also the 3 canine girls of the house, Lilly, Rosie and Georgia. All but the 3 girls made it up to midnight for a change! Linda, Derek and Laurel were battling colds, but hung in there. Played some Monopoly and a thinking/feeling/talking game and ate way too much. Hated to leave, but started my workout "resolution" today. Very cold tonight, feel worried about the homeless tonight.