30 year medalion-special night

I had the great honour of being asked to participate in someones 30 year medalion. How's does one get 30 years of continuous sobriety? One day at a time, same as the person who has 1 day of sobriety.
I went to VPI today(thats my new acronym to add to my vocabulary) they are the government funded counterpart of KWA (one my former company set up). So I wanted to find out about this program called 2nd career, where they help with people who have been laid off, and meet criteria to retrain "ie go back to school" You have to have 16 points to be considered a "supported" application, and I have 15. I can get 16-17 by being unemployed for 3 more months! They don't do "degrees" but will help with retraining in a college area with tuition and EI for the 2 years( I think). So now my brain going 100 miles per hour is thinking 3 months from now is 1st of July. So instead of not qualifying, my thoughts are to put in a supported applicaction in July and hope for the best. So now I have to decide am I going to contine to take a university course over the summer? This place has a whole bunch of workshops to attend about finding employment. Met an inspirational women there today working .She found herself owning her business married one day and the next pennliness and in a shelter. She fought back and she eventually went to retrain and just started at the career place a few months ago and she is 61! Such a lovely woman too! I am feeling slightly overwhelmed with the many decisions I  have. I am also concerned now that my trip to India with my daughter may not happen if I do get into this second career. I need to meditate, breathe deep and know that everything is as it should be and will work out as it should, as long I do the next right thing each time with what is in front of me.

Death is nothing at all.

I found out today that a dear friend of mine has recently lost her father, and I am dedicating this poem I love~ and has brought me comfort~ to her beautiful Dad.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

Beginnings and Endings-March 27, 2011

It is the end of the week-end and the end of hockey season 2010-11. Christian had his last game today, and his team lost in the shoot out. Oh well, they have to learn to be good losers as well as good winners. Christian won the team medal for most dedicated player. He sure deserved that! I'm so proud of him. Shawn came to watch him today, as well as Will's Dad, so it was a full house.
It is also the beginning of a new week. It's my cleaning week, so it will be jam packed for sure.I had to find a job I liked and draft a cover letter for it, for Shanti.  I've actually applied to a job at a local Violence Prevention place for a very part time position, like 10-15 hours. Not sure if they'll call, or if it will work with my life but you never know
It would be great experience. I do know that I won't be able to clean forever. I am now wearing braces on both wrists. They started getting sore a month or so ago, and it must be from all the scrubbing with cleaning, and once they started hurting, everything like throwing my backpack over my shoulder, putting my seat belt on....everything was making it "tweak". I can't seem to keep it straight on my own, so I've got a wrist support on them now. I have a slightly more supportive one on the right, since it's more inflamed. We'll see after a week of work, how they feel. You know you're getting too old when you're walking around with 2 wounded paws!
 I have Racheals wedding shower invitations in the mail now, and organized my Avon stuff over the week-end. I dropped by and saw Mom today, and she looked a bit better. Still a bit shaky, but less breathless. Racheal was just in tonight and we were sitting near the fireplace as usual and she must have gotten too close to the glass(gas fireplace) so the next thing I hear, is her yell "I'm on fire", but not screaming like she WAS on fire. She leaned onto the glass with her puffy winter vest, and it melted onto the glass. So she must have felt the heat and smelled the burn, and gotten away before she really got burned. Jeepers, never a dull moment. Then Will and Christian and I played an hour of Rumoli, which I lost badly, and I'm watching the Celebrity Apprentice now, then off to sleep for me.
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.  ~Author Unknown

Wild week. Deep girl talk-Hospital life and Life!-March 26, 2011

Officially it is spring, however this week we have seen snow and very cold temperatures. It looks like it might get closer to "average" temperatures in a week. We are moving full stam ahead with my daughter Racheals wedding, and I am planning a shower for May. My mother was in the hospital for a week. I went to watch American Idol with her a week ago and at the end she asked me to call 911. Her COPD was in a bad way again and she was really struggling to breathe. I brought her home Thursday this week, and she didn't look any better to me. Still breathless, and the bruising on her body was heartbreaking. She seemed like a broken little bird and I just wanted to wrap her up and rock her like a child to comfort her. I got her settled and filled all her prescriptions, and talked a while with her. I hope after a few nights of sleeping in her own bed she will feel better.
Last week my sister came for a night and we had such a great time. Racheal and Sam and I sat around the fire and spoke of many things. Deep things in lfe that many people don't touch on out of fear. We talked about my Mothers past, and the abuse she suffered as well as my Father when they were still children, and my sister shared more about her sexual abuse she suffered from my Uncle when she was a child. She is very open about it so I don't think she would mind me mentioning it. It's so important to share our suffering and recovery from our life experience. That saying |"secrets keep us sick" is so true. Back 20 and 30 years ago, I tried to keep up the illusion that my marriage was the "perfect" marriage and I was the perfect mother. It was always about what it looked like from the outside. It was how we grew up, and it was a learned behaviour I had to change, and my sister had to change, to break the cycle. The truth was I was so busy the first 8 years with having children and running to every event and function keeping up the illusion of the "perfect marriage" I didn't even realize that I wasn't happy until I slowed down a bit, by then I felt trapped by my circumstances, and obligated to "save face" and shut up and smile. It appeared to work for a bit, at least alcohol seemed to make me forget how I felt..for a few minutes. In fact it seemed to be my best friend, but we all know how that goes. It ended up taking everything of value from me. Self respect, self love, ambition, honesty, and all the good stuff that makes one truly happy. So through recovery I have learned to talk about the hard stuff, and that secrets absolutely keep us sick.I also learned that I must give away what I have, in order to keep it. So I gratefully help others who want sobriety to find it. I also learned that there is no "trapped by circumstances". If you don't like your situation, change it, and what is most important about what I've learned is that it doesn't matter AT ALL what it looks like to anyone from the outside. Is it authentic? Do your words and actions line up? Are you honest and extend help to others, and take a good look at yourself every day to see if there is anything you need to learn from or maybe make amends about? One of my biggest pet peeves is the people who act in a way that is not "Christian" from Monday to Saturday and think if they go to church on Sunday, they are upstanding citizens.
One other thing that came up in our girls discussion was that I have issues with trust. That is absolutely true. My interpretation is that most of my life when I let people get close to me, they disappoint me, often betray me, and the pain of that is so emotionally wounding, that leaves me feeling like there is an open raw wound on my soul that has just been ripped open again. Then I feel the need to not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have hurt me, since I assume that since they know I will find out about the betrayal, they must have known that it would cause me sorrow and obviously just didn't care enough in the first place.I know the fact that loyalty and trust is such an important value to me, and others I suppose do not feel the same way. Knowing that logicially and having to walk through the pain are two very different things. Therefore I have surrounded myself somewhat with a protective shell, trusting a few people, but very cautious to let new ones in. I know it's sometimes not about me when people are like that, but it does affect me. So that is just something I am more aware of and need to work on. It's funny, my husband sometimes calls me the ice queen, only because I don't cry easily. At sad movies he's the one crying and me passing the tissues...but as I tell him, just because I don't have my feelings spilling down my face, doesn't mean I don't feel them.

Anyway-March 20, 2011

Anyway

Accept
that some people are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.


Accept
that when you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway

Accept
that when you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway

Accept
that although you are honest and frank, people are going to try and  cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

Accept
That something you spend years building, may be destroyed overnight;
Build anyway

Accept
That when you are serene and happy some people will be jealous;
Be serene and happy anyway

Accept
That much of the good you do today, will be forgotten tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Accept
That as you give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Because in the final analysis, all this is totally between you and the God of your understanding.
It never is nor was between you and the people places and things of the world anyway.

Supermoon? Enough already!--March 19, 2011

Ok, I like to think I am a pretty optimistic person, but enough already! First things first, it's my lovely husbands 41st birthday today, and my first order of the day was to make him a card and I wrote him a poem. Got him coffee in bed and gave him his gift and card. Doing cake tomorrow with the kids, so that is it for the birthday today.So my mom is in the hospital still, with her COPD and I decided that I was going to clean her place, get rid of all the dust from under the bed and such. My daughter Racheal and I did that today. Took us a few hours, for such a small place,that is quite long for 2 people, but we pulled all the furniture out and all the cushions off the sofa and chairs, it was pretty dirty for a place that gets cleaned once a week. We never know what to get her for her birthday, so that will be her birthday present. So that is fine, did that, then we planned to go to the hall where Racheal is getting married, since there was a wedding there today, we wanted to see how the people set up and finalize the plans for the hall and decorations. Did that. I had Sams car due to the fact my brakes were still being worked on. So, since I could not find the receipt for Sam's laptop I spilled pop inside, and it needed to be serviced, I took it to Future shop. I had to get a receipt looked up a different time and they were able to do it if they had the credit card and date purchased. There was a laptop there that I had hoped to purchase as well. I use a netbook and it doesn't have all the functionality of a laptop, and I am finding it challenging so I saw this deal and thought, YES finally. So after I waited in line for a bit, they re-directed me to customer service, where a young lady who did not seem to fancy the idea of having to dig up a customer receipt, greeted me with a sour face and no eye contact. She said "in a few minutes" and proceeded to do inventory and walk outside to get a cart to put near her inventory. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes and she got to me. She searched and the stores computers were down, not today was the answer. So then she said they wouldn't even hold the computer in the store while they searched for it tomorrow. I would have to drive back down to the south end to go through this again. I couldn't understand why any of this was a problem. Even though it's only 3 months old, I know that warrantly doesn't not cover me spilling pop in it, so I am fully prepared to pay for it to be serviced. However nothing is as easy as it should be. Finally the technical "manager" said that is was no problem to store the computer and ship it out when they found the bill. YES! Go on the hunt for the laptop and of course it's sold out everywhere in the GTA. Onward and upward. Decide I'm going to stop at Value village to see if they have any scrubs for cleaning. I have 1 pair of pants Racheal gave me, and I have to wash them when I've done a house, and it's such a waste to wash 1 pair of pants! So I pull into my spot, lots of room on either side of the car...Sams car. All of a sudden WHACK, a door slams into the drivers door. I couldn't believe it, since there was so much room, I am even surprised that it reached. A 2 door yellow sporty car. I open the door and a girl about 19 or 20, won't make eye contact(look at peopleL) I asked her, did it leave any marks?She says, there is a bit there. So I looked at it, and a yellow smudge and I didn't really see any dent. I was very surprised since it was such a WHACK. ARE YOUR KIDDING ME SUPER MOON? She doesn't say "sorry"..and sure didn't seem sorry. I said "It doesn't look too bad, I think it can be polished out, it's my daughters car, and her dad has a collison centre, so I'm sure it can be buffed out, but I should probably get your name and number just in case". She mutters, "well I have to wait for HER to get out". Some older woman they had put in the back of the car (young guy looking pissed driving), so I said," of course, I didn't see her with the dark windows". Then she doesn't have a pen, then she doesn't have any paper. Never does show any remorse or apologize. I know it's my "expectations", but I am sorry, I do expect people to attempt to be courteous to each other. I never lost my temper with her, and before she gave me her number I thought, she's probably young and now worried about what she has done, so I reassured her again, that she should not worry, I'm sure it's nothing.
So I took down the info and licence plate number and moved on. I did find 2 sets of scrubs for next to nothing and they washed up just fine. Came home and planned on cleaning my place finally, and it's about 5 by then. I had a message from mom from earlier saying that there was a bed in a neighbouring town,that had a bed available but she wanted to talk to me first. To call her. She doesn't have a phone, so I called the nurses station and she was talking to my brother who lives 4 hours away, so by the time I talked with her she had decided she was going to Bowmanville to get a regular bed(with a T.V. I suspect) However since I'm the only one close enough to drop and see her without a special visit of several hours driving, it sure makes it more challenging for me. I am completely stretched to the limit as it is now, so I just don't see how I'm going to do that one. Instead of a 10-15 minute drive, it's about 30 minutes. She had left me a message about bringing her curling iron and butane refills to her, and I told her that I would bring them Sunday, however between Christians hockey game and the kids coming for cake at 1:00, I just don't see how I'm going to swing it. So I told her I would likely not be over until they release her, since she's coming home in a few days, and I'm going to Toronto Monday. So I arranged for Racheal to take the curling iron since she lives in the same town as the new hospital. So I decided I was attacking this dirt and grime, and low and behold, Racheal ended up with my cleaning caddy, with all of my stuff, and the end of vacumn I needed. Then Sam's not feeling well, and was upset over all the things going wrong this week. I could feel the tears welling up today, started feeling a bit sorry for myself. It feels like so much this week has cropped up, and I know things could be worse for sure, but I am just ready for things to start falling into place with a little more ease. Will put his arms around me and I said " I'm a pretty optimistic person, but enough already". It's good to have someone who cares so much. I went and picked up my cleaning supplies from Racheals car, came home and cleaned, then did homework for about 2 or 3 hours. So it started out good, got a bit rocky in the middle and then ended pretty well. Guess I just need to remember that I have everything I really need, and be grateful. Tomorrow is another day! My quote for today is "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”  So I have my health, my family, a roof over my head, food in the pantry, brakes on my car now. With my head full of brains and my shoes full of feet, I'm too smart to go down any-not-so- good street.NIGHTY NIGHT!

Grateful to be healthy-March 18 2011

It has been a whirlwind week for sure. Busy with cleaning this week, all went well. Did lots of work for my lab and study notes. While we were in class yesterday, I was sitting beside my daughter and I reached for something and did not notice that she had an open bottle of pop sitting right beside me(and her computer) and yikes...the computer went for a swim! Funny the reactions. Me? I said "Samantha" and ripped my shirt off(yes I had a T shirt on underneath) and started mopping up the wet(it was only a bit of pop, as I grabbed it quickly, but even a "liitle" is too much). Her friend Anne on the other side of her jumped up to get some napkins, and Sam just sat there and stared at the computer. So her mouse stopped working, and she left it for a few hours, and a few more...we came home and were able to save her work to hotmail, and Will took it apart and lost a piece he needed and now it won't work at all. So he's got to back it up and I'll take it to Future Shop where I bought it(for Christmas for her) to get it fixed up. I have had some car troubles lately, my brake light, my seat belt light, engine light are on all the time, my ABS and washer fluid light go on and off, so clearly I have issues. So Will finally got some time to work on my car, as I had the parts already bought. At the end of yesterday he pronouced it unsafe to drive. It needs more brake parts and work, to the tune of another few hundred dollars I'm sure. So then yesterday I went to see Mom and watch American Idol with her, and she was pretty wheezy and chest rattling when she breaths. So we talked about her going to the doctor some, but I was not about to tell her what to do. I feel it's her responsibilty to tell me what she needs, so after the vote off ,she told me to call 911!  She has COPD and has had trouble for years. I know that she is fearful of dying. "A man who lives fully, is prepared to die at any time" Mark Twain. I do not believe my Mom has lived fully. She is not prepared to do the deep work it takes to be honest with herself and anyone else. Yes is is uncomfortable, painful to walk through your past, especially when it has been littered with any kind of abuse or trauma, and sadness. However if one can take that walk, the rewards are a life that is happy joyous and free. I do not want to die tomorrow. I know it would be very hard on my children, husband and family, but I know in death there is only something more and I will be fine, but the ones I leave behind will be left in sorrow. However I am not really scared to die, maybe that is weird, but that is how I feel. I don't think it's pending, as I believe I have much work to yet do here, but if it did I would be ok with it. Anyhow, I went to see Mom today, I thought I was way ahead of the game, and was quickly packing up everything I thought she might need if she stayed, as the sirens grew closer and then the lights, I'm running out to show her her toiletry bag and ask her to take out what she needs. Getting anything I know that I'll be coming back to get, I left her to go in the ambulance, and stayed back to pack the back. I had everything I thoughts she could possibly want. So I left her there last night, once I knew she was stable and staying. I had to work today cleaning and needed to get some rest, then found out later today she was to stay in the hospital for a few days. There is a message on machine to bring her some items that of course I'd packed, but also her walker, stayfree pads and kleenex box. So I parked across the baseball field, maybe almost a km away and wheeled the walker!No heart failure or attacks this time, no pneumonia, just a flare up of her COPD that would need some IV steriods and rest. I stayed for a couple of hours to visit with her, but I hadn't been home other than a bit to wash up after work, so I needed to make the long trek back to my car before it got dark. I will not be able to get back to the hospital tomorrow.I am going to get my 2 girls to go over to her apartment and give it a good dust and vacumn with the Dyson. She's never had under her bed or couch done, and do a good dust. She was talking about hiring Racheal, but The 3 of us can do it in about 20-30 minutes. Our birthday gift to her! We'll be careful to use non-scented, green cleaners so it doesn't set her off. Going to look a the wedding hall while there is a wedding set up there, and it's Will's 41st birthday. Have to get a cake and celebrate my hunny. I have to clean my house and work on that lab too. Due next week. Anyhow...hi ho it's off to bed I go

Another Hump Day-March 16, 2010

It is a beautiful warm day out, a bit rainy, but we need that for the grass and flowers to grow. So much going on, but I feel the need to write, so write I will then on with the day.
Cleaning is going well, except for the bruises all over my legs. I am banging into stuff, and my knees from scrubbing are all bruised up. Cuts all over my hands..lol...Just 1 left on Friday this week. School tomorrow. I still have to read a chapter and work more on my lab today. I've decided if I am accepted at Trent I will take Sociology which is a full credit and Philosophy which is a 1/2 credit course. The full credit runs May 9-August 3 twice a week and 1/2 credit is done end of June.My sister got back from India and had such a unique experience. It was somewhat overwhelming for her with the constant noise and stimulation. She didn't get great sleep, horns honking all night. Makes you wonder why people are up all night honking horns? She had a wonderful experience at the meditation centre in the mountains and met many beautiful people. The message she seemed to bring back was that she is so grateful for her life, that we have too much. I would have to agree. I posted on her blog that "spiritual growth slows when money flows" and I personally have found that to be true.When I was going through very difficult times at the beginning of my recovery and during the time of my divorce, then I became pregnant, I had to have so much faith that things would work out. When I started to rebuild and gain some success-(which I could have only done by working my 12 steps that helped me to become the person I always wanted to be) it seemed that I was more in control and I wasn't relying on my faith as much. I became busier and busier and spiritual matters seemed to take a back seat at that time. So funny though is that I knew that was happening and I kept thinking I needed to get back to basics, but it's almost like financial success is incompatible with spirituality if that makes any sense? In the back corners of my mind I knew that the time was coming, and I whispered out loud once a year or 2 ago, "God I am grateful for my life, please don't show me that I needed to be humbled", however since my words and actions were not congruent, the time came! I am relying on my faith once again. Kind of like that Carrie Underwood song "Jesus take the wheel". All about surrendering control to your higher power because in the end we really aren't in charge.
So speaking of my "fall from grace" I have heard from many different people in ours and other offices, in the last week that there has been much talk about what has been going on at the place I used to be and nobody is really talking about why my husband and I were both let go within 3 weeks of each other. When questioned by some of our former collegues, the higher ups shut down and refuse to talk about it. There was also much discussion about a collegue from my office who had a relationship with another from another office(they are both married) and I had heard about that while I was there and discussed with my employee, whether true or not I was getting calls my collegues and my boss about it, so I wanted this person to know if was not professional and could damage their reputation if it were true, and if not then what behaviour had caused so much drama? So I can't control what people do in their personal lives, I did not pursue it any further. So 5 or 6 people have gone out of their way to contact me and have mentioned this in the past week, and in addition they "heard" that this "relationship" between the 2 people ended because one of them became involved with a senior manager, which would have been my boss. So they are saying that my employee and my boss were possibly having an intimate-and adulterous relationship. I don't have any proof of this of course, but now as I process this, I can think of many things that have happened in the past year that now I'm going "huh" "is this the reason that he/she asked me this, or responded this way".Things are starting make sense. Additionally why my boss underminded me with my team at every opportunity so this was no last minute decision. As I trained my replacement for "work at another position when it opened" I said a few times I was training my replacment. There was a nice little pact arranged ahead of time which included many people that I put my trust in.  Also my employee that allegedly was involved with the higher up would have been very happy to get Will out of the way, and before everything blew up, Will told me this person was overheard tell another employee that "there are going to be lots of changes here before the year ends" and one of them told Will after he was let go, but before I was, they got rid of him to get rid of me. Which to me made/makes no sense since they didn't need to get rid of him to get rid of me, but how would this person know this? When Will told me this, I said that is ridiculous, why would they need to get rid of you first, but when it all happened it's hard to ignore that. I don't have any facts of course, but some things certainly lead me to believe that it's very possible, and honestly what I feel when I think that it's true is disappointment. If it's true and people are telling me what's circulating in the water cooler discussion, I am sure that there is some soap opera drama and way more to what I would know. I`ve never been willing to play the games and compromise my beliefs including looking the other way. Maybe I was a ``complication`` as I would have not thought twice to report anything I knew about, so perhaps it was easiest to get rid of the ``complication``before I became a problem. I think it's possible that they let me go because of my husband. What I really thinking is they had a plan all along, and we made it more difficult then they thought because we adhered to their regulations so diligently . I`ll have to read back through my journaling to see what I`ve written in the months leading up to the termination. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before it's address if not already. I am happy to be away from all that drama, and justice will surely be served by the Universe. I need to think about the next right thing I need to do and do it! Peace.

showcasing my hubby-March 15 2011

He has worked so hard to build his photo business. Amazing website, studio set up, marketing, operatons, and of course SALES! He is a brilliant man and makes me proud. Here is a picture he took of my daughter Samantha to showcares some lighting technique. Go Will Go!
http://www.captura.ca/

More meditation,closer to my true self one day at a time-March 13, 2011

I had a great night at a meditation night with Sanjay. A man who is from India and a student at Durham College, who put on a free night at a local studio. We did vibrating for 15 minutes, and dancing for 15 minutes then seated and lying down meditation each 15 minutes. Then a break time where we all talked and had some yummy gluten free treats from a local bakery. Then back in, we did some humming, which was intense. Each "thing" we did was for about 15 minutes each, so we sat cross legged and breath in and hum out. He had music playing as well, and after a few minutes my legs were so sore, and I remembered my class from yesterday and just accepted the discomfort and made an adjustment or two and then I noticed on my exhale hums I could feel a vibration, like my hum was hitting the "correct frequency" if that makes sense. I'm not sure how to describe it other then that, but I knew I wanted more. I noticed that some exhales I "hit" it and it felt so good, I tried to lengthen the breath to keep where I was. Then we went on to some energy work, releasing our energy to the universe, and then bring the energy to self. we then finished it off with a silent meditation. Questions and answer time after was very interesting. Sanjay is such a wise young man, with wisdom way beyond his years. It sounds like they are going to be continuing on with these teachings and I look forward to it. Namaste.

Meditation Temple-March 12,2011

It is time for me to get back to explore my spirtitual side further. Racheal and I are attended a meditation workshop in Toronto at the World meditation centre/temple. Led by a Buddist monk, it was very interesting and so much of it made sense. Being happy has nothing to do with anything outside of ourselves. True happiness can only come from within. I totally believe in that. I did not seem to have too much trouble going into the meditations that we did, which kind of surprised me. We spoke the monk after and he felt that my experience of having thoughts that I could not remember(like a dream that you knew you had thoughts, but couldn't remember any specifics) was encouraging. Perhaps my spiritual side is not so underdeveloped as I thought. So much makes sense, the non attachment to anything. Emotions, items, situations.... That anything that brings pleasure can also bring suffering. So true....Holding virtuous thoughts in meditation, and developing our spirit. The 10 day challenge is upon us. A breathing meditation each day for 10 days, and he guaranteed that our life would be better. So I will check in on March 22 to see how that is going. Some of what he talked about I'm not so sure I agree or believe in. If your spirit is not developed that you may be reincarnated in an animal(maybe mouse) form. He spoke with such certainty about death and the level of awareness during death and that there is a hell, that you can get out of, but it will be unpleasant while you're there. Not sure how he can be so sure that is exactly how it happens, and I am no sure I believe in reincarnation or hell as such. My 12 step program and my experience tells me there is a God...or higher power, whatever you choose to call it, and my God is a loving God. So I can take what I want from each teaching and meditate on the rest, perhaps leave what does not fit into my life. What I am taking away from this is making meditating a part of my day, to develope my spirtual side further. To love everyone, and not be attached to anything. If I am feeling stressed or aggitated about anything, however small I need to look inward and let go. As long as I keep a calm and peaceful mind , whatever circumstance presents itself it will not be a problem for me. Easier said than done I know, but that is why it is called a mediation "practice" not meditation "perfect".

Another Birthday Party Day-March 10, 2011

Today was Samantha's 19th birthday. My 5th chlid. Thinking back 19 years now, she was 8lbs 7oz born at 11:59pm, so she's as late in the day as possible, and all of our children and my mother in law were at the birth. Although it was really only a few hours of real labour she was a posterior presentation so she was really bruised up by my pelvic bones. I didn't even notice that when she was born, it was only when my doctor mentioned it, and then I looked at pictures later I could see how bruised up her little face was. She was so beautiful even with the bruising. It was such a joyous occassion. I took her into a jacuzzi for her first bath a few hours after she was born and was home the next morning. Anyhow, we had a bunch of her friends over and her boyfriends mother(her boyfriend is away in U.S. at school on a baseball scholarship), her brothers and sisters and nephew and niece and even her father came. We've been apart for about 14 or 15 years now, and just in the past year we've been able to attend functions at each others place. I've invited him over the years, but it just didn't happen, and I had never been asked to his place. I could never understand why divorced people couldn't still be part of each others family. When there are children involved you are always going to be joined in some way, and we have 5 together. If there was once enough love to bring 5 children into the world together, then we should be able to see past any past problems and focus on the good and the children. So it's just wonderful that he came up here and it seems like he fits right in to me. I am not sure how my husband feels about it, but I think he is fine with it. If he's not, he would never say otherwise, as he knows how important it is to the children to have their father here and part of the family. He's such a great man. We've been to his place over the past few months as well.
I've made an appointment with a goverment office to find out about a program called sceond career. For people in career transition the govenment helps with retraining. School was good today, the quiz went ok I think.

23 Years ago-March 7 2011

23 Years ago I was minutes from pushing my 4th child and 3rd son into the world. Tyler is 23 at 5:13pm and it shows as 5:09pm on my clock now. He's trying to figure out his life now as well. I've decided I'm going to continue with my schooling part time while I figure it all out. Ideally what I would like to do is find a job that I enjoy or continue to do the cleaning if I can make enough money(and a new back) and do school part time. Maybe 2 or 3 credits in the summer and winter, and perhaps take the fall semester off to concentrate on other things....or whatever works around what I find to do. It is great to be able to be so flexible. I went into see the T.A. today and they really liked my lab, where I lost points is easily fixed. They are all so nice and helpful too. I got some info about the new lab, so hopefully I'll get a better mark on it. Keeps the old neurons active!

Decisions Decisions....March 3 2011

So my appointment with the academic advisor went well. He got his degree later in life....not quite as late as me. He was in his mid 30's. I can go back full, part, take a semester or 2 off, just after 12 months I have to let them know what I'm doing.....If money were not an object and I could "follow my passion" what would I do? I would continue on with my education. Wow did I just have an epiphany? Unfortunately money is an object....so now I have 3 houses I'm cleaning every 2 weeks, and if my husbands business grows fast enough can he take care of the bills for the next 5 years? Hey that is only 1/2 the time I took care of them. He's smart and talented! It would be great to find a job that I enjoyed that would allow me to continue school. I need to give this a bit more thought. I'm going to "sleep on it". As the great psychology therorists would say, dreams will tell us what to do. My unconcious knows what to do, it just needs to tell my conscious!

little downer day-March 2,2011

Feeling a bit discouraged today. Once again when talking with my mother I got the message"you're too old" to go school. Just once I would really appreicate her feeling excited and say" you can do anything you set your mind to-just go for it" Find something that you love, even if it takes time. It's worth working on. I'm tired though so going to bed now.

Up and running again-March 1 2011

Internet finally back up and running. Almost a week it's been down.Will March come in like a lamb-go out like a lion? Only time will tell. Cleaning house for first time alone today, and was top notch job if I do say myself. Wish my house looked that good right now! I think I am too much of a perfectionist for this job. Took me 5 hours and it's a townhouse. I am sure I'll get faster, and hopefully a bit less fussy. I just want everything I do to be the very best. It doesn't matter if I'm running a muliti  million dollar business or cleaning a house, I want anything my name is associated with to be the best it can be. However my back is pretty sore, I came home from that and did 2 yoga classes back to back. A vigorous hot yoga vinyasa flow and then a restorative yin class. I'll see how the old body is in the morning.
Perfection aside my lab mark was posted and I only got a 60.5%. Boohoo for me. All that excitement from my 85% on my midterm was blown to bits with this developement. I'll get the paper back Thursday to see where I lost marks. I know that math-no extreme math-is not my thing, but I've got one more lab to get through, and I need to do better this time, so I'll seek the advise of the Teaching Assistant this time. I have way too much going on, had to cancel my appointment with Shanti tomorrow. I just didn't think that what we had to cover, justified me driving all the way in to see her. Especially with gas rates so high. I can do some more work on my resume and go see her next week. Had my 3 month old grandsome Jack over this past Saturday, and my hubby and I got some great photo's. I have posted 1. Enjoy!