5475 days or 15 years of sobriety- January 27, 2013

Today is the anniversary of 15 years of sobriety. It really is just another 24 hours but sometimes these dates can be landmarks that cause one to look back and reflect. I remember the day my "new" life began on January 27 1998. It was a Tuesday and my father had paid me a visit to "talk" about my drinking and his concerns. The days leading up to this day I had tapered it down so I could avoid the withdrawl and the terrible hangovers. I had decided that this was the day I was walking back through the doors of A.A. and I've not looked back. I told my dad this and that I was just heading out to the womens closed group discusssion. 14 years ago he was proudly at my 1 year medallion and that was his last year of life. He died about 5 months later. I know he is happy I found this way of life we discussed it prior to his death.
To spend my day it turned out to be interesting. After my sons hockey game I went to a spirit wellness conference. I ran into so many people that I have not seen in years. One Native man named Rick. 8 or so years ago he spoke at my group and he had this white aura around his head and he came back a year or so later the aura got to be so intense it was like looking through a fog. So weird and I told him about it the second time. Haven't seen him around in many years and very recently I have been wondering what happened to him. I told hy oldest daughter about this oddity and so when I ran into him yesterday she clued right in and said "oh you're the foggy guy" and we all had a good laugh. I probably have 2 weeks before I start at my new job at the shelter in Bowmanville so I will enjoy the down time while I can and keep working a few days a week at the cleaning. Life it good.

Jobs, Birthdays, and living the good life-January 21 2013

We have hit our first cold snap of the winter. It's about minus 8 out today and going down to minus 16 or so tonight and cold like that all week. That's ok, it's Canada and its winter. I'm still job hunting and waiting to hear back from a good job interview I had last week and I'm going to follow up on one I want to get an interview with. The job posting ends on Friday so I'll get hold of them Thursday maybe and try to secure an interview. Other then that I'm working about 3 days with my daughter cleaning and it's hard on the old body but an honest living. My husband starts his new job tomorrow and it is exciting for him to have a new venture. Self employment has its benefits but it can be isolating and a pressure cooker. I am happy for him having this new opportunity. I know he will do exceptional in this role. Right now it's not so challenging since my hours are not excessive and I'm home for Christian much of the time but if I start shift work it may become more problematic. We'll deal with it one day at a time. Speaking of which I have 4 sponsees now. Three of them have mediallions coming up. One this week and one next month, the other has a 20 year next month. My newest is still in treatment. I am leaning so much from them about setting healthy boundaries. I saw my Mom this morning and she looks great. Even better then before she was sick. Still uses the oxygen--but rarely, is being careful about germs, some might say paranoid, but she has good reason to be careful of germs. I look at her life and feel like it's full of fear, fear of getting sick, fear of germs, fear of death. However, I did see another side of her when she told me about the DNR order and she is coming to terms in her own way. I feel free to accept and love her just the way she is now. My son Christian turned 14 on January 19. It's impossible to me that it's been that long but it is. In 5 years we could be empty nesters!!!! We went over to my oldests house to celebrate with his family yesterday. We had so much fun with them. The children are such a joy! My father would have been 84 today had he not died 13 1/2 year ago. He would have loved these little ones. I'm sure he is, just in a different way.

January 5 2013-2 years and 1 day gone by

I just realized that today is January 5 2013. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary that I was "terminated without cause" from my long time job or as I like to refer to it as the unprovoked emotional assault. The big realization for me is that I just remembered it now. I only remembered it due to the fact I was reading from my 24 hour a day book and you read whatever the day was and I had to figure it out.
I guess it's true that grieving takes 2 years to go through. Today I do not have the intense feelings of betrayal and anger for those people, only pity and some disappointment in those I truly thought I had connections with. While I do not expect that I will never feel it again, it's gives me hope that it is possible to recover from such an experience.

Brand New Start-January 1 2013

I love beginnings. Even though it's symbollic it's nice to have a fresh start at something with no mistakes made yet. I had a lovely New Years Eve. First half spent at my Mothers retirement home. They had entertainment and my husband Will, son Christian and Indian daughters Ramya and Anusha came to Nana's home and of course my sister was already there. She is going home day after tomorrow. Tomorrow night I take her to Toronto and she will fly out the morning after. It has been so nice to have her here. It's kind of like the closure to her leaving that we never got. My mother has really enjoyed having her there and she has become a "cruise director" of the retirement home. Everyone there loves her and she enjoys them as well. Mom looked very frail to me yesterday and I worry that she has lost some will to live. There is something in her eyes that has faded this past time.

After the retirement home we went to my A.A. friends home and it was a small lovely gathering that welcomed our new girls into the fold. We counted down the new year and sang happy birthday with our cake to Anusha. Everyone sober and happy. Can't ask for much more.

I have reflected a little today on the past two years and know that 2013 is a year that I will assess and make some subtle and possibly larger changes in my life. I have come to understand that when I live a life that is not authentic I suffer. When I allow words or actions that I do not think are acceptable to continute I am not listening to my intuition and I suffer. Suffering comes in many forms. Sadness, anger, frustration, resentment. I do not want to participate in perpetuating any of this anymore in my life moving forward. I can take no responsiblity for others reactions to this nor can I hold any judgement when others do not understand or want to be part of this journey. Everyone must walk their own path. It is difficult work, changing automatic reactions and challenging those who cause this suffering however, it must be done or I will become someone I am not. I am not making any New Years Resolutions. Instead I will do my very best to be present in each moment and work doing the hard work that needs to be done.