I worked another midnight shift and recovered from it much better. The whole light and dark with circadian rhythms is making sense to me and I'm working with it. I went to yoga last night and had a great class with a great shavasana at the end. At first I was struggling and then I remembered what I needed to do was to think of nothing, quit trying. Within a few minutes I felt Mom come to me and she DID feel lighter like the tea leaf psychic said. She looked younger and lighter. Probably between 40-50 years old and really peaceful. She told me that it was right that she had trouble expressing herself and she did not learn that on her earth journey this time. She is trying to clear herself more quickly right now because she realizes that she needs to come back and work on that. She hopes to be able to come back soon and possibly in my oldest daughters life in her child girl or boy but, I think it will be a girl. Now, my daughter is not pregnant or trying but, that is what I got. Might be a few years still I think but, since my daughter is super expressive she will be the greatest teacher. She was very proud of how much she has cleared already over there and wanted to show me what she learned. She opened my fingers and held my hand and I could feel her doing it. So cool. It felt like I had only been lying there for five minutes and I heard the studio door open and the lights came on. I finished my practice and went into the dressing room and it was empty and I had been in there for 20 minutes. Everyone was gone and they wanted to clean and close the studio for the night. I wonder what it is I need to work on and learn here. Patience keeps coming up for me but, I think it's more. I also think my brother Bryan is back on earth already and I wonder if he is in our family still. I can't get an answer on that one. I'll keep asking.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
July 26, 2013-Tea Leaves, Travel and Life's Path
It has been a roller coaster during the past few weeks. The shift work has really messed with my sleep schedule and I have been awake most nights till the wee hours. 2:30am, 3:00am, 4:30am and 630am. Only sleeping 4 hours or so at night and get up and repeat it again. Been going to hot yoga and continued that, I got some melatonin and B12, began to reduce "screen time" of computers and T.V. till finally I had a few nights of sleep, not in a row at first but, then Tuesday I went to my brothers for a visit in Pembroke and slept, now it has been 3 nights in a row. It was a great visit and all I can say is I felt a pull to go to see him. My Mother whispering in my ear and an instinctive pull so, I followed it. We had a lovely time. My 14 year old son came as well and he was a great traveller and company. It was good for him as well. Family is so important and as we age it's even more important to keep lines of communication open, accept and love each other unconditionally. As long as we maintain a mutual respect of the others view and stay off politics and causes of poverty and marginalized groups, I think we will be good, I love my siblings very much and want to enjoy the time we get with each other.
Yesterday was a blow with my career plans. A contract position for up to 3 years a M-F, days only collaborative coordinator position that appeared to be a perfect fit for me. I made it through from 150+ applicants to 8 interviews to only 2 of us, me and one other for second interview to find out that I was not selected for the position. It was both disappointing and knocked me off balance once again. I had allowed myself to really believe and hope that I would be selected however, once again my plans and the "grand" plan of the universe were not in sync. I found out yesterday after interviewing for several months and it was crushing disappointment. I did not realize how much I counted on getting it until I didn't. However, life goes on and so must I. I am starting to feel like I am somehow off direction and looking for the wrong thing. My sister and I are talking about doing a trip to an Ashram in Northern India in the next year in addition to a trip to B.C. to visit my sister in the next 2 months. I hope to gain some insight regarding my direction and my destiny.
Last night my oldest daughter and I went to a tea party that had tea leaf/psychic parties and it was quite amazing. Some of what she said:
I would come into some money. The pictures she saw were someone on stilts juggling. My balance is precarious every second and that is how I have felt and if caught off balance always at risk of toppling he said I have been juggling for a long time and my inner strength has served me well and I should trust it and I should celebrate that but I wish is could be used in other things, and I will not always be on stilts and I can probably now come down off the stilts whenever I choose. I take on everybody elses baggage and burdens. I am off my path or want to know what my path is. That I want some direction, a clearer path but being on the stilts can keep me from being on my path. She also saw a butterfly, indicating a period of transition, it's a time to spread my wings and do things that I always wanted to do but did not have time, was not able to and to trust it and I will find my wings, very beautiful, very nice energy, can be scary but will be worth it but something beautiful will emerge from this period. She reflected on the transitions both in the physical world and spiritually and said I feel a restlessness and need to change. I should move with them instead of resisting them. Some of the transitions are being "put upon me" they weren't my choice but if I can move with them, it will be much easier and less of a "headache". Also, she saw a hummingbird indicating truth and trust. Trust, not so easy for me. Trusting myself and my instincts, trusting when not to trust other people. Always want to think the best of other people, and I do not have to be friends with everybody and to trust that. Be around people who I feel really good around. When we can hear and absorb the trust it can set us free. Creative person and she wants to see me with a creative outlet and wants to see me doing energy work or reiki, good psychically as well, good path to pursue. She talked about Mom, she did not get that we were that close. She described her as rough and she did not have an easy life, she is starting to smooth out. She wants me to be in a good place and not follow in her footsteps. She has things that she wants to make up for that she adored me even if it did not always seem that way. She has things she would do differently and would like to make up for one thing is to let me know how much she loved me but did not express it, but also how much she appreciated me being there in the last few years but did not express it. She was not an expressive woman, but she was a woman of the heart but had a hard time expressing it. She is at peace, she is clearing some regrets but is at peace. She is saying something like "don't forget the bacon" what she means is to remember the rich good parts of life- to live the good life, don't always live lean, indulge and treat yourself. Thats her message to me to not follow in her footsteps and live the good life. After that we talked about my communication with Mom and reminded me that she told me to "trust" myself and that I was good psychically. She confirmed that the other side was pretty much all I have experienced, she has "work" to do over there. Clearing regrets, and she would start to feel lighter when she comes to me as she is clearing.
Yesterday was a blow with my career plans. A contract position for up to 3 years a M-F, days only collaborative coordinator position that appeared to be a perfect fit for me. I made it through from 150+ applicants to 8 interviews to only 2 of us, me and one other for second interview to find out that I was not selected for the position. It was both disappointing and knocked me off balance once again. I had allowed myself to really believe and hope that I would be selected however, once again my plans and the "grand" plan of the universe were not in sync. I found out yesterday after interviewing for several months and it was crushing disappointment. I did not realize how much I counted on getting it until I didn't. However, life goes on and so must I. I am starting to feel like I am somehow off direction and looking for the wrong thing. My sister and I are talking about doing a trip to an Ashram in Northern India in the next year in addition to a trip to B.C. to visit my sister in the next 2 months. I hope to gain some insight regarding my direction and my destiny.
Last night my oldest daughter and I went to a tea party that had tea leaf/psychic parties and it was quite amazing. Some of what she said:
I would come into some money. The pictures she saw were someone on stilts juggling. My balance is precarious every second and that is how I have felt and if caught off balance always at risk of toppling he said I have been juggling for a long time and my inner strength has served me well and I should trust it and I should celebrate that but I wish is could be used in other things, and I will not always be on stilts and I can probably now come down off the stilts whenever I choose. I take on everybody elses baggage and burdens. I am off my path or want to know what my path is. That I want some direction, a clearer path but being on the stilts can keep me from being on my path. She also saw a butterfly, indicating a period of transition, it's a time to spread my wings and do things that I always wanted to do but did not have time, was not able to and to trust it and I will find my wings, very beautiful, very nice energy, can be scary but will be worth it but something beautiful will emerge from this period. She reflected on the transitions both in the physical world and spiritually and said I feel a restlessness and need to change. I should move with them instead of resisting them. Some of the transitions are being "put upon me" they weren't my choice but if I can move with them, it will be much easier and less of a "headache". Also, she saw a hummingbird indicating truth and trust. Trust, not so easy for me. Trusting myself and my instincts, trusting when not to trust other people. Always want to think the best of other people, and I do not have to be friends with everybody and to trust that. Be around people who I feel really good around. When we can hear and absorb the trust it can set us free. Creative person and she wants to see me with a creative outlet and wants to see me doing energy work or reiki, good psychically as well, good path to pursue. She talked about Mom, she did not get that we were that close. She described her as rough and she did not have an easy life, she is starting to smooth out. She wants me to be in a good place and not follow in her footsteps. She has things that she wants to make up for that she adored me even if it did not always seem that way. She has things she would do differently and would like to make up for one thing is to let me know how much she loved me but did not express it, but also how much she appreciated me being there in the last few years but did not express it. She was not an expressive woman, but she was a woman of the heart but had a hard time expressing it. She is at peace, she is clearing some regrets but is at peace. She is saying something like "don't forget the bacon" what she means is to remember the rich good parts of life- to live the good life, don't always live lean, indulge and treat yourself. Thats her message to me to not follow in her footsteps and live the good life. After that we talked about my communication with Mom and reminded me that she told me to "trust" myself and that I was good psychically. She confirmed that the other side was pretty much all I have experienced, she has "work" to do over there. Clearing regrets, and she would start to feel lighter when she comes to me as she is clearing.
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| My Brother at the Blueberry Farm |
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| My brother and I relaxing between stops. We do not share physical similarities for sure. |
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| My son and brother at the Military Museum |
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Committment and Forgiveness: July 10,2013
I have been struggling with my sleeping since my overnight shift on Sunday night-Monday morning. I came home and slept until 2:15pm, felt great, went to a yoga class that night, stayed up until 1:00am thought I would be able to sleep. After all, I reasoned I only got 6 hours instead of 8. I tossed and turned and read, watched T.V. and did not sleep until 6:30am, woke up yesterday at 12:30pm. Last night similar, tossed and turned until 3:30am, woke up and got up at 10:30am. Hopefully I'll do ok with sleep tonight. I got a call back to go for a second interview with the place I interviewed yesterday, next week. My sponsor says "what's meant for you, won't go by you" so this helps me stay in the moment a bit better. I had some news from my sister yesterday and she is upset by it, which is understandable. I find myself feeling overwhelmed with it and find my thoughts racing, so I need to just take a deep breath and know that everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, it's not the end. I think I am just feeling a bit at loose ends and wish she was closer to me in proximity and feel a bit helpless to be supportive.
So, I went to yoga today when I got up and thought I would leave it on the mat. Usually at the start of practice one sets a san culpa or "intention". Today the yoga instructor suggested we bring some level of committment into our san culpa, she said we had made our way to our mats today and that shows a committement to practice. So towards the end of our practice she brought us back to our san culpa. She said " what things have you perhaps committed to the first half of this year that you were not as successful as you wanted to be, and she had us visualize our Root Chakra, with red and letting go of that, forgiving ourselves for it. She reminded the class that when something is meant to happened, you cannot stop it from happening. As I surrendered in childs pose I had the overwhelming feeling that I had taken it upon myself to care for my mother which I felt good about but, as I continued to explore this I had also committed to supporting her through her death and ensure her wishes were carried out. As I continued to delve deeper into this thought I recognized that I had unconsciously had committed to keeping her alive until everyone could be there. After all, we had managed to do this with my Father and it worked out well-time wise. So when she died a few hours before my siblings could get there I absolutely took that as a failure to keep my committment. I still feel the sorrow of that and I went through this on the mat. When I came to my savasana-my final resting pose. I asked for some help from my Mother, she did not disappoint. Let me start by saying she looks much younger then the last time I saw her. Her hair still is in an older style but her face is smooth and younger. She provided the information to me that she needed to go when she did. She again showed me how my father lifted her up and told me that she wanted to go with him for hours before she did but, hung on for us. She got the permission she needed and could not hold on any longer. She showed me how her and my dad and others were with us as I held her on the bed and my family surrounded her. They knew that we had to go through this in our human form and it's part of the journey. She told me it was not my job to keep her here and intellectually I know this of course I don't have that kind of power but, I cannot change how I feel.
She let me know that everything, all the confusing feelings I'm going through are part of my human journey. She held my face in her hands and I told her I needed to "feel" her, of course I want to feel what makes sense to me, but her "touch" is different now so I tried to get out of what I "expected" her touch to feel like and instead felt tingles and static along my face. She told me that I am perfectly imperfect as a human and it's part of the journey to go through theses ups and downs and learn from them. I am here to give and receive love in all kinds of ways. I need to be open to this and stop distracting myself with things that are..well distracting.
I have a work party coming here Friday night and the theme is a Psychic from Toronto is coming in. Can't wait to see what happens.
So, I went to yoga today when I got up and thought I would leave it on the mat. Usually at the start of practice one sets a san culpa or "intention". Today the yoga instructor suggested we bring some level of committment into our san culpa, she said we had made our way to our mats today and that shows a committement to practice. So towards the end of our practice she brought us back to our san culpa. She said " what things have you perhaps committed to the first half of this year that you were not as successful as you wanted to be, and she had us visualize our Root Chakra, with red and letting go of that, forgiving ourselves for it. She reminded the class that when something is meant to happened, you cannot stop it from happening. As I surrendered in childs pose I had the overwhelming feeling that I had taken it upon myself to care for my mother which I felt good about but, as I continued to explore this I had also committed to supporting her through her death and ensure her wishes were carried out. As I continued to delve deeper into this thought I recognized that I had unconsciously had committed to keeping her alive until everyone could be there. After all, we had managed to do this with my Father and it worked out well-time wise. So when she died a few hours before my siblings could get there I absolutely took that as a failure to keep my committment. I still feel the sorrow of that and I went through this on the mat. When I came to my savasana-my final resting pose. I asked for some help from my Mother, she did not disappoint. Let me start by saying she looks much younger then the last time I saw her. Her hair still is in an older style but her face is smooth and younger. She provided the information to me that she needed to go when she did. She again showed me how my father lifted her up and told me that she wanted to go with him for hours before she did but, hung on for us. She got the permission she needed and could not hold on any longer. She showed me how her and my dad and others were with us as I held her on the bed and my family surrounded her. They knew that we had to go through this in our human form and it's part of the journey. She told me it was not my job to keep her here and intellectually I know this of course I don't have that kind of power but, I cannot change how I feel.
She let me know that everything, all the confusing feelings I'm going through are part of my human journey. She held my face in her hands and I told her I needed to "feel" her, of course I want to feel what makes sense to me, but her "touch" is different now so I tried to get out of what I "expected" her touch to feel like and instead felt tingles and static along my face. She told me that I am perfectly imperfect as a human and it's part of the journey to go through theses ups and downs and learn from them. I am here to give and receive love in all kinds of ways. I need to be open to this and stop distracting myself with things that are..well distracting.
I have a work party coming here Friday night and the theme is a Psychic from Toronto is coming in. Can't wait to see what happens.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
More Questions then Answers: July 7 2013
When will I find "permanent" regular work? When will I stop going to phone my mother? When will it stop raining? Why is it so freaking hot? When will I be able to get the junk cleared out of my house? Why do I keep rewinding the last few days of my Mothers life? When do I will I be able to think of my loss and not feel overwhelmed with sudden sadness.When will I feel completely like my "old" self? When will I stop asking so many questions?
I am going through some real inner questioning-not all the time, but it is there. I feel like everything has changed all around me and so it is not surprising that I have to re-adjust and review things. Maybe because I am approaching a big birthday, it's a time of life review. I have started more regular meditation and still doing yoga-not as often when I work crazy shifts but, I am finding the time that I can for that. I am enjoying more friendships in my life and that is a beautiful thing. Letting people in, being vunerable that people may betray or hurt you is a risk for me but, not doing this does not open you up for the intimate friendships that I now have in my life. Unconditional love is what we all strive for and I am very fortunate to have this all around me. At home I have this with a partner who allows me the freedom to explore who I am without judgement and I feel I do the same with him. Last night I went to a meeting that was both fun and good medicine for my program. There was a diverse group in the room. Many new people from a treatment facility, and I sat beside a beautiful woman I admire so much that is soon to celebrate 56 years of sobriety and is in her mid 90's. Still vital and active in the program, I talked with her for a while after the meeting and am in awe of her passion still for helping the new person. Then I was able to sit down and have tea with a new and young member of our group. We talked about the soul sickness of this program and recovery and it's challenges. Carrying the message to still suffering alcoholics is our primary purpose and the only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking. You don't even need to be "dry" or pay money, just show up. I was able to present this young man a 24 hour chip to a few months ago and it is such a joy to see the growth in individuals when they start to heal and rebuild their life. I have never found a place that is based on equality and unconditional acceptance and love of fellow humans-like I have found in the rooms of A.A. Where else can you go that you can sit between 2 people with a 60 or 70 year difference in age and of different genders but be able to connect and understand equally? That is question that doesn't cause me to do anything but feel gratitude. It also reminds me that I need to get out of my head sometimes and stop worrying about the questions, just do the work and things will fall into place as they are suppose to.
After that I went over to one of best friends house and another one of our members was there. So there we sat -three sober women from different walks of life sharing, laughing and connecting around a bonfire. It was such a beautiful time that before we knew it, it was 2:00am and my poor husband called to see if I was still alive. We couldn't believe how late it was and how fast the night flew. My dear friend shared from the front of the room last night that we only have three things we really have to do each day. Come to meetings to get the program, connect with a higher power, and give back through service. Keeping it simple in a complicated world is not always easy but, that's why I need to continue to learn from others.
I have to work an overnight shift tonight but, staying up late and sleeping late today should set me up for a decent nights work. As of this moment I can let the questions go, and live in the moment. All is well.
I get literature emailed each day from a member of the program who does mass emails to people who request it. I loved todays and I've just read it an hour after I wrote but, it seems relevant so, I'm inserting it below.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
I am going through some real inner questioning-not all the time, but it is there. I feel like everything has changed all around me and so it is not surprising that I have to re-adjust and review things. Maybe because I am approaching a big birthday, it's a time of life review. I have started more regular meditation and still doing yoga-not as often when I work crazy shifts but, I am finding the time that I can for that. I am enjoying more friendships in my life and that is a beautiful thing. Letting people in, being vunerable that people may betray or hurt you is a risk for me but, not doing this does not open you up for the intimate friendships that I now have in my life. Unconditional love is what we all strive for and I am very fortunate to have this all around me. At home I have this with a partner who allows me the freedom to explore who I am without judgement and I feel I do the same with him. Last night I went to a meeting that was both fun and good medicine for my program. There was a diverse group in the room. Many new people from a treatment facility, and I sat beside a beautiful woman I admire so much that is soon to celebrate 56 years of sobriety and is in her mid 90's. Still vital and active in the program, I talked with her for a while after the meeting and am in awe of her passion still for helping the new person. Then I was able to sit down and have tea with a new and young member of our group. We talked about the soul sickness of this program and recovery and it's challenges. Carrying the message to still suffering alcoholics is our primary purpose and the only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking. You don't even need to be "dry" or pay money, just show up. I was able to present this young man a 24 hour chip to a few months ago and it is such a joy to see the growth in individuals when they start to heal and rebuild their life. I have never found a place that is based on equality and unconditional acceptance and love of fellow humans-like I have found in the rooms of A.A. Where else can you go that you can sit between 2 people with a 60 or 70 year difference in age and of different genders but be able to connect and understand equally? That is question that doesn't cause me to do anything but feel gratitude. It also reminds me that I need to get out of my head sometimes and stop worrying about the questions, just do the work and things will fall into place as they are suppose to.
After that I went over to one of best friends house and another one of our members was there. So there we sat -three sober women from different walks of life sharing, laughing and connecting around a bonfire. It was such a beautiful time that before we knew it, it was 2:00am and my poor husband called to see if I was still alive. We couldn't believe how late it was and how fast the night flew. My dear friend shared from the front of the room last night that we only have three things we really have to do each day. Come to meetings to get the program, connect with a higher power, and give back through service. Keeping it simple in a complicated world is not always easy but, that's why I need to continue to learn from others.
I have to work an overnight shift tonight but, staying up late and sleeping late today should set me up for a decent nights work. As of this moment I can let the questions go, and live in the moment. All is well.
I get literature emailed each day from a member of the program who does mass emails to people who request it. I loved todays and I've just read it an hour after I wrote but, it seems relevant so, I'm inserting it below.
Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it’s not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn’t need to complain.
What does that mean? We won’t have feelings? We won’t feel overwhelmed? We won’t need to blow off steam or work through some not-so-pleasant, not-so-perfect, and not-so-pretty parts of life?
We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable with others. We don’t have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.
Getting it all out doesn’t mean we need to be victims. It doesn’t mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn’t mean we won’t go on to set boundaries. It doesn’t mean we won’t take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.
Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side—the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.
We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. “Together” people have their not-so-together moments. Sometimes, falling apart—getting it all out—is how we get put back together.
Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
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