Belly Button Birthday-October 27 2012

It is my 49 year birthday today and it sounds pretty old but, on the inside I feel very much younger. I am learning and growing in leaps and bounds these days. My placement is going well and my spiritual growth seems to be evolving at a rapid pace these days. I have always been aware of energies around me and have experienced some unusual things however, I had had some pretty intense experiences surrounding spirit lately and have become aware of many things that have previously not been in my conscious level. Nancy at the agency has some psychic ability although I have not talked much with her about that, she has encouraged me and guided me about how to handle things that have come up. From what she says it's not something I can choose not to have so, I need to learn how to understand and use what is shown to me in a positive way. I can reflect on some unusal things that have transpired physically that also relate to my spirit connection. The constant buzzing in my ears, the buzzing in my feet that I got an MRI to check out, and of course nothing wrong, the white flashes of light in my periphial vision that I thought were my retina's detaching. I am going to spend more time in meditation to heighten my awareness and at least relax more.
Last night I feasted my new drum When you make your drum you need to have ceremony performed and "birth" your drum. It involves elders and water and food, prayers and drumming and singing by a circle of people and that is exactly what happened. My husband Will and son Christian came up with our new "adopted" daughter Ramya. We enjoyed a feast after and came home.
This upcoming 50th year of my life I look forward to 15 years of sobriety in January, graduation from my social service work program in June and my 50th birthday in October. I have a feeling this upcoming year is going to be profound on many levels.


I wish I wish I wish



Brand New Grandgirl Lydia Grace DOB Oct 10/12- October 13, 2012

I welcomed my newest grandchild on October 10 2012 at 11:49 PM. Lydia Grace and she was 7lbs 1oz at 21.5 inches long.
I was called around 4 pm at my placement in Peterough and went straight to their house. She decided shortly after she preferred to be in the place she would eventually give birth and not make the very rough transfer like last time at 8cm. It was also a VBAC so she was required to stay on continuous EFM to monitor the baby. She had severe back labour due to the baby being in OP position. I did the double hip squeeze for hours as it seemed to be what helped, with warm packs. Her Mom and Sister and my Son were also there. She requested pain meds after a few hours of coping with intense back labour and had an epidural around 9:00PM. Based on how hard she was working with her contractions I thought she might be further then the 3-4cm she had been a couple of hours earlier. She had one on top of the other and sometimes no break in between. The nurse although quite competant at her medical skills lacked in the emotional end of providing nursing care. She snapped that it would not make any difference. Her mother also mentioned it and got the same response. She had the epidural and got excellent pain relief and when they allowed us back in the room we found out she was fully dilated and they ruptured her membranes. She felt much better and had the pressure with contractions without the pain. Since she was not feeling the urge to push yet, and the baby was not that low yet they let her "labour down" which means the uterus continues to contract and push the baby down lower on it's own. I was glad they suggested that since she had no urge to push and would be on "the clock" once she started pushing. She stayed this way for about 90 minutes and it worked great to bring the baby down much lower. Some of the side effects of the epidural were all over trembling and she developed a fever. Due to the fever the baby experienced an increase in her heart rate. This happened about 45 minutes before delivery. They indicated that the RT person would be at the birth because of the increase in heart rate. She began to push and initially it seemed a bit slow and the nurse made an offhand comment about the baby being OP still and I questioned her a bit after seeing the look of worry on my daughter in laws face and she confirmed that she would be "pushing" this baby out in whatever position she was in she was low enough. When she realized that she would be having a vaginal birth her face had this look of joy and peace and she had tears streaming down her face. I knew how much that this meant to her, and many people have difficulty understanding it, but I absolutely understood and it moved me to tears as well. She had great success pushing the baby down and within about 30-40 minutes I could see the baby's hair sticking out. The doctor asked about doing a "little cut" and she shook her head no. I was wishing he supported all around a bit better as she crowned and she did tear up the front a bit. The baby came out quickly and she strained to see her but the bed was set so low at the foot she could not see. The doctor quickly handed the baby off and the RT could not get the baby to breath and they quickly called a code pink. I could hear the hospital speakers announcing a code pink in the birthing suite of our room and it seemed like a surreal experience. A team of people were in the room immediately and surrounded the baby. I felt so helpless at that moment, all I could say to them was "she is having some trouble transitioning" and "they are doing what they need to do" after several minutes and no response I actually had a thought that she might not make it and how would I be able to help them get through this. I heard them say something about no breath sounds. I started to feel light headed myself and very nauseaous to the point I actually thought I might throw up. I knew intellectually that these were signs that I might faint and knew that was the last thing that this situation needed. I quietly slipped out and the nurses station was right there so I asked them for some juice and sat in a chair for a minute and a few sips of juice and I felt fine again. I had not had any food since lunch time and it was nearly midnight so maybe the shock with low blood sugar. I knew I had to get back in there and see what was going on. They were taking the baby to NICU and they had gotten her breathing established and I did not see but was told mom got to have a quick hold and kiss her first. They passed by me in the bassinet incubator and her little fist waved at me as she passed. My son went with her and we all stayed to comfort my daughter in law. She was upset and we tried to reassure her and allow her to express however she needed to. Her mom had experienced the same physical reaction as I had and was trapped in the corner behind my son, so she made sure she was out of sight of her daughter and sat on the floor. Emotional shock causes a sudden change to the nervous system when the blood pressure and heart rate drop suddenly and the blood doesn't pump blood back to the brain fast enough. The pediatrician came in and said the baby had a hard time transitioning and she was fine now and there was no reason to think any problems would come as a result of it. She would be observed and brought in likely within a few hours. We all got to go in to see her before we left and she looked wonderful.

Lydia 1 hour old in NICU

(Picture in NICU an hour old)

In the end the baby was fine, observed for about 5 hours and brought back to Mom and Dad and they brought her home the next day. I continued to relive this scene in my head the day after and when I held her the next day I was moved to tears with gratitude that she was ok. I am not sure how this affects my feelings about hospitals and home births. On one hand I am so grateful that this team responded to make sure all turned out well but on the other the problems were likely cause by a side effect of the epidural, but what if they were not and this happened at home. That is the question that haunts me and I wonder how this will affect my confidence in home birth moving forward. I also found myself angry with God. They had such a difficult first delivery, difficult second pregnancy, they are such kind loving people and parents and deserved a break and this happened, for what purpose? Maybe to remind us of the fragility of life? I don't know but I reflect on how things can change in an instant and how we need to embrace every moment we have with our loved ones and have no regrets because you might not have a second chance. I am filled with gratitude for the blessing of this little girl and their inclusion of me in this special time of their lives.

Feeling overwhelming gratitude for Lydia

My son Shawn and I with Lydia