Happy Easter Week-end-April 23, 2011

It has been an absolutely beautiful day. It started off rainy and grey and around 11:00am the sun came out and the temperature soared up to about 20 degrees. I got some house cleaning done, including some windows and the yard work and gardens. I feel like it was a very productive day. Will was at his friends all day helping him fix his truck, so it was a "me" day, which I really do need once in a while. I know for me, it's important for me to recharge my energy to have days to myself once in a while. I mean it wasn't totally myself. My youngest son was here, but 12 year olds are not too much trouble. My 23 year old son Tyler came in for a visit. It was great to see him, although he looks tired. I went out to the health food store today and got him some multi vitamins today. He doesn't eat well and doesn't take vitamins, drinks and I think he still smokes, so I do worry about him. Nonetheless it was wonderful to spend some time with him today.
Our birds are alive and well around our house this spring and we have some beautiful birds around our house. Yellow finches and cardinals. The birds have found our bird seed in the feeder now, so hopefully we'll get to see a good bird show every morning. I don't know if they have just come to our area or if they've always been here and I've just not noticed. I feel like I am seeing things with new eyes almost now. Mindful living is so much more amazing. School is finished for the semester! I think my final exam went well, I hope so. It will be another week or so I expect before the marks are posted. I start another one in 3 weeks, but I am doing an online one this time, but I think it will be intense, since it's condensed into 6 or 7 weeks instead of 3 months. My nephew and his wife are coming tomorrow for their last doula appointment before they have their baby. It is almost upon us. I hope they don't have it next week-end when I'm throwing a big shower for Racheal's wedding! Oh well if that happens, I'll leave Cindy and Sam in charge. Carpe diem!

Busy and Grateful-April 20, 2011

Wow I am slacking off in my blog. It's been quite a whirlwind lately. Emotions are up and down so much, but the last few days have been extremely stable. Even in light of some nuclear family upset, I feel surprisingly calm and grounded. I have been very busy submitting resumes. I keep sending them off, it feels like to a black hole. I got so excited to get a response from someone that they RECEIVED one. It didn't appear to be an automatic response either. Anyhow designing cover letters and changing up my resume a bit depending on the job, is very time consuming. I have a resume building workshop at the Oshawa career centre this afternoon, so I'm heading out soon. I'm on the hospital job run today. Submitted resumes to Sick Kids and Mount Sinai today. I got accepted at Trent to be a real student!!! YAY! It does feel like some things are falling into place. I started a new cleaning job last week, that is just a monthly one, but better than nothing new. I also gave an estimate a few days ago, and waiting to hear on that job. Final exam tomorrow so I have to crack the books today at some point, and tonight I'll be up doing that. I was away at the yoga show on the week-end with my sister and a new friend of my sister Linda, and now mine Gloria. She's lost much this past year, her mom, her husband and her cat, so a week-end of laughs was just what the doctor ordered for all of us. I ate 1/2 a cake that Linda baked. It was the best cake I have ever eaten, and I ate WAY too much. I am meeting with a friend for coffee before my meeting tonight, I am committed to spending more time with friends from now on. It's great for the spirit!

Attitude of Gratitude-April 9, 2011

It was a beautiful day today, sunny and warm. It felt so energizing to be out in the lovely weather. Our hot water tank-tanked on Thursday, so that was how the day started off. The 2 guys came to put in the new tank. One of them turned out to be Justins friend. Very nice man. Justin's long time partner that he just broke up with in the fall, got remarried in a city hall wedding yesterday, to a guy she's been dating for about a month. Crazy stuff! Justin found out from the father of her first child by a text message. She has not told the children yet. I went to see my wee grandson Jack today. He is such a joy. When I got there he was in his jolly jumper and when I came down the stairs, he just broke into such a spontaneous joyful smile and excited babbling, it warmed my heart. He just makes me feel so happy when I am near him. I need to spend more time with him. It reminds me to hold gratitude close to me when I experience "Jack". Racheal is getting her stomach scoped and biopsied and colonoscopy next Friday. The Dr. seems to think she very well might have Celiac disease. Next week is so busy. I'm in Toronto Monday, Tuesday and Thursday at workshops and working Tuesday morning, Wednesday and Friday, cleaning houses, then off to the Yoga show for the week-end with my sister. I am looking forward to that, take my mat lie in the garden area all day and wait for each new person to show up. I had my last lecture on Thursday, 2 weeks to final exam. I have mixed feelings about it. Some relief that I won't have to keep up with the workload as I balance everything else for a bit, sad as I loved being there, and I really enjoyed spending time with my daughter in class, and happy that I have done so well with such new learning and at such a stressful time in my life. I think I will be doing an online one instead of the socialogy one I've signed up for. I'm still waiting on a few things to line up before I commit to one or the other.
I have been sending out resumes through the week, and it's extremely time-consuming and apparantly useless since I have yet to hear back from anywhere.
 This week I will approach each day as a child. Looking at everything with new eyes, like I'm seeing it for the first time. I will anticipate the great in each day, and be excited. I am looking forward to getting up and travelling with so many other unique people in on the train at rush hour to get to my session time for 9:30am downtown. I will watch for the lessons I need to learn. I am sure patience as always will be near the top of my list. I will commit to being mindful. Practicing mindfulness is becoming so much a part of my life now, and it needs to be. I miss too much joy and beauty when I rush and am not present in every moment. Now I am listening to the children outside playing and laughing.  Their laughter sounds so inviting and contageous. I will enjoy tomorrow, starting with staying in bed until I feel like getting up, then lounging around in my jammies till I feel like getting dressed.  My son Justin is coming over with his two children for a visit. I miss seeing them all, it's been about 2 weeks and I thnk I will go and see my Mom. If the rain holds off, I'm going to ride my bike!

"If my heart can become pure and simple,
like that of a child, I think there probably
can be no greater happiness than this."- Kitaro Nishida

Rough thoughts-must get back to basics-April 4 2011

It is Monday, and raining. My wrists still hurt, I have a couple of zits on my face, my dear friend and sponsor has a "spot"on her lung and my spirits are slightly deflated.I have been thinking more often about trust and how I "have issues" with trust, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I find my thoughts drifting to my so called friends from work and my perception of the betrayal of it all. I worry that justice will never be served, when I know that it is not my place to worry about. I just feel like at times I have such a difficult time letting things go. I think I have let it go, but here I am again with this emotional baggage hanging like a stone around my neck that only has a negative effect on me and serves no purpose in my life. My childlike hurt feelings just pop to the surface without much warning more often lately than a month ago even. I know I know " oh woe is me". I am not going to attend any pity party, just feeling a bit overwhelmed with decisions circumstances and responsibility. I was to my "new" career counsellor today. A program called "the Hidden job market". A table with 5 women around it watching a "taped" session, with a real-a real amazing person running the computer. Lots of great people, but no interaction. I was talking with my counsellor on the phone later, asking her to review a cover letter. As I have to continue to actively "job seek" in order to apply to this second career. She does not seem too be encouraging about pursuing this,almost like it's not available,even though it supposedly is. I was explaining to her that I saw a few interesting jobs, but they were contract work, like 7 months and I didn't want to do something like that short term, as then it would mess up my ability to apply for the second career program. She was all about applying for the job, regardless. What it  felt like she was she was trying to sabotage me. Not a good feeling in a career counsellor. Maybe there is more to it that I'm not aware of. Maybe the program is "unofficially" out of funding? I'm going to ask her about it when I'm in next. I don't want to waste my time waiting for something that will never happen. Then my application at Trent is sitting on a desk somewhere still. I had to ask the academic advisor to look into it. On a good note, I ended up getting a 100% on my second lab, which was completely unexpected in an awesome way. I'm feeling a bit rudderless the last few days. I know I need to get back to basics, back to my yoga practice and meditation and keep a postitive attitude. Knowing it and doing it are two very different things. Tomorrow is a whole new day! That is a beautiful thing.