December 14, 2015: ASK, HAVE FAITH, ALLOW

Well the Christmas season is upon us again. There are lots of mixed feelings this year. Our loss of Dare is acutely noted at each function. He always enjoyed these events and was very "present" at them.
Today is my 2nd born child Justins 32nd birthday. He has grown into such an amazing man. I am just bursting with pride at all of my children. Justin has blossomed in the past 5 years into a creative artist in form of video and photography and musically. He is also stepped up to the plate to be a super involved single Dad to his two young children. Also involvement in the social movement to help men suffering abuse and single fathers gain rights and fight the injustices they face.

Justin with youngest brother Christian

Work has been exceptionally busy this year. The rotating shifts always present a challenge however I love the work and right now cannot imagine being anywhere else. There have been some intense cases recently and I am mindful that I need to practice setting healthy boundaries and detaching from these clients who are very sick with mental illness.

This is the first year that I have yet to decorate the house, it's very late for me and I will be doing it over the next few days. I thought I had a "do nothing" kind of week-end ahead but, today we are leaving for my grandsons hockey, then my grandaughters cheerleading showcase. I had tentatively planned to get together with my best friend and go to a meeting however, I need to have some quality time with my partner. I plan to just go with the flow and see how the day and night unfolds.

I have had some clear signs lately that my intuitive senses are coming through stronger and I feel able to just allow it. Sometimes I have such a buoyant response when something happens that validates it. I should not need any validation but, I guess I am still working through that and the "trust" part of my intuitive senses. Even though I am busier this year, I am missing my Mom more then last year. Part of the process I guess. Perhaps because I just finished an intense 6 weeks of a bereavement course that included working through our own grief. I do feel her around me though and that comforts me. 
I am at a bit of a crossroad today. My full time contract ends and I have applied for an outreach contract and the full time front line contract. I have to have faith, trust and allow whatever happens is for my highest good. I may be back in my part time rotation and working more at my other job in mental health. Trust, have faith, allow.

October 14, 2015-Deeper Awareness

Stargazing at Killbear

It is now the end of summer for me...officially. Spent Thanksgiving week-end with my husband Will camping at Killbear Provincial Park. Just the two of us for 5 days. It was so wonderful. I gained insight about where I want to be and what makes me feel peaceful, happy and content. Being submersed in nature, watching the sunset each night, lying on the rocks stargazing, sleeping until my body said it's time to wake up, reading 2 full books just for enjoyment and spending quality time with my life partner--I felt whole again. It's been a year filled with transitions. I am shifting into a new chapter in my life both physically and spiritually and change is never easy. As Will pointed out, during the drive home I appeared melancholy and "like I lost my best friend". I felt that anxiety in my stomach as well so I need to listen to that. Yesterday I worked at a relief job that I don't get to often. I realized that I did not want to be at that particular one anymore for a variety of reasons so, I will not accept shifts there anymore and that decision brings me peace. In fact, I will not do things that I don't feel connected to, I love and  honor myself today. Reminds me I need to do the mirror exercise. I'll update on that next time.

So, I know two things over this past week.
1.  I need to be in nature, in fact I want to be living more in nature.
2. I will not work at a job that doesn't fulfill me and/or I do not feel connected to.

Not sure how I see that all coming together but, it will. I trust in this process and will leave the "how" to the universal love that guides me. Now that I am settled back into my other job that I love and settled home after the week-end, I feel happy again and look forward to what this transition brings next.

With Love and Gratitude.                      

Glorious sunset

Thanksgiving 2015

Ass Kicking Supermoon and Eclipse: September 29, 2015

Wow this week has kicked my ass. I am on day 3 of being completely exhausted-knocked off my feet exhausted. When I was at my naturopath about 6 weeks ago, I found out my ferritin(iron stores) were pretty low but, I have been on liquid iron since. I have a slight nauseous and sleeping 9 hours a night. I got up at 11am today and by 1:30pm was back lying down. I need to stop worrying about when this will end and start focusing on being strong, healthy and joyful. I am finding it challenging as I count on my energy being high.
I started my spiritual living for life part 2 with Olivia and my soul sisters last night. Everyone seems to have had a year of change and what appears to be negative change by most and we are challenged to view it as part of our growth and transformation to become who we were created to be. So it is as I perceive my life as being deeply uncomfortable with many changes in and around me, I know that this is where I will find my greatest growth, if I can sit in it and listen to that deep knowing part of me and not attempt to bring things back to a feeling of comfort and homeostasis because it's easier and I know what to do with it.

September 19, 2015-Growth and Change

The summer days are closing in and today is starting off hot and muggy and any moment the cold front will approach and everything will change. First we will have a big storm which will be loud, scary, exciting and might leave things fresh and alive along with some destruction. Hmmm that sounds like a metaphor for life. This year has been full of change and it continues. I have struggled with low mood off and on most of the year but, have been able to pull myself back to where I need to be without medication and this continues. I am feeling deep stirrings of change on many levels but, it feels right and yes uncomfortable at times but, isn't that how all change happens...Sometimes I feel like an alien on this planet and although I can integrate into the community, I often feel like I'm speaking a foreign language and different values. I do not often feel lonely and have a wide circle of people that I love and love me back. Despite the difficult year I know it is necessary to get me from where I am to where I need to be. Moving forward and listening to that small voice inside me that I know is my truth.

August 30, 2015-Supermoon and change is in the air

The moon is full and beautiful. I feel a strong pull to the moon. When I see her for the first time each night I greet her with "hello my beauty" and my husband laughs and accepts my quirky nature. I feel a relationship to everything. All around me is an energetic being and the moon is as alive as I am.

Work is going well and I have found my "groove" back at work. I feel like I am where I am suppose to be. I have had many great things happen this summer. A wonderful gathering of strong women and watching soccer. Warm nights an good friends and family. We did a camp trip for Racheals 30th birthday. The first girl in the family in many decades and such a joy she is. She is newly single again after 4 years of marriage and it's but another change in the year of 2015. She is doing the best she can and is a brave woman. It was amazing to spend time in nature and unplugged. My husband and I spent a few days alone before the crew came up and it was much needed. We enjoyed it so much we have booked a long week-end in the fall to enjoy the beauty that mother nature provides in the fall. On day 2 we had been on the water in kayaks and my husband flipped out and his boat started to sink. We tried for about half hour or more to get him in and get moving to shore but, eventually I paddled towards a boat and flagged them down. Was a good wake up call that a good time can change to life threatening if safety measure are not observed. It ended well by Gods grace.
I have been thinking about my father more then usual lately and feel his energy around me. I feel both of them around me. I'm not sure what that is about but, if I sit with it, I'll figure it out.
My sister Linda is en route to Regina Saskatchewan and will meet up with my brother Dale there and do a road trip back to Ontario. I'll get to spent a few days with her and she'll fly home again. Terrible wildfires have ravaged the area they live in. I know I could not live with that threat ongoing and they are re-thinking their future. I would love to have my sister closer. She is such an important piece of my life.
I am just trying to stay present in my life and not miss anything, even the times that I am deeply uncomfortable.

Love and Light, Namaste.

kayaking

Strong women get together

Beautiful Paige

Christian and Grampa

View from campground

Moving Forward-July 25, 2015

Well, here we are. Mid summer and a month later. This difficult year continues to bring things to deal with and we are doing the best we can. I went on a trip that has been 5 years in the planning. The Alcoholics Anonymous World Conference. It was in Atlanta Georgia and I ended up on my own. It had been a busy time up to leaving and it was difficult finding the energy and enthusiasm I would normally have. My energy and mood has been much lower during this period but, my husband dropped me off and I had a lovely and quiet night with my sister at a hotel near the airport.

Atlanta had its challenges for sure but, I pushed forward and immersed myself in the experience dragging my tired self back on transit each night to the silence of my small dorm room. No matter how tired, I wrote in my journal and reflected on the day. Many high highs and many low lows during that 6 days. I met people from all over the world and my goal was to be present in every moment and that much I managed to do. The highest high was at the Dome with somewhere around 60,000 people from 96 countries all there to celebrate recovery and hope. The flag ceremony was beautiful and the people who shared were incredible. I sat beside a lovely couple and the woman and I cried and embraced --forever connected by this emotional journey. The lowest low would have been on Saturday July 4, with 60,000 people exiting the Dome and all of Atlanta downtown to celebrate Independence Day, not being able to get anywhere. Transit shut down, wall to wall people and no way to get back to the University Dorm where I was staying. A 10-15 minute commute took over 2 hours and the exhaustion had caught up to me. However, the bus I ended up on, when people started getting frustrated at the traffic that was not moving, everyone started singing the Serenity Prayer and that helped and lightened the mood.

Georgia Dome Opening Night

Georgia Dome last meeting



Signature on Volunteer Banner

Richard, Travis and Jenny from Toronto. Day we flew out we did a bit of sightseeing

Also, on that night unknown to me at the time my son had gotten hit in the head very very hard with a baseball bat. My husband picked him up from the house he was at and took him to the hospital. When I got home 2 days later, it was shocking to see how battered he looked. It has been scary and troubling to deal with this assault and we continue to be vigilant with his safety and overall well-being. It has been difficult. My mood continued to plummet and I became emotionally exhausted from the many traumatic events that happened in a row. I am recovering from this slowly. The past week I have felt myself at work and feel productive and happy while there. Today is the first day that I feel hopeful again while at home. I am protective of what I watch, who I associate with and negative events and information that come to me. Everything we experience has a positive or negative impact and right now, I have to limit the negative information overload. I can detach easily from it at work but, not so easily at home. I am a work in progress.

June 26, 2015 The price of great love is great pain

My heart is heavy as I write this entry. My precious nephew Dare who was only just turned 14 has died suddenly from an aggressive brain infection. How does a family recover from this? I have no idea.
My heart breaks for my sister in law Lisa and brother in law Kirk as well as their daughter Alyssa.
This beautiful young man defied the odds by being born at 23 weeks 5 days. He was an identical twin and while in the womb had a rare condition called twin to twin transfusion syndrome. It occurs when the blood supply of one twin moves to the other the shared placenta. The twin that loses the blood is called the donor twin. The twin that receives the blood is called the recipient twin.
Both infants may have problems depending on how much blood is passed from one to the other. The donor twin may have too little blood, and the other may have too much blood. Dare was the recipient twin and his brother Sage did not survive.
I was with the couple during this time and while the local hospital put her on medications to stop her labour and buy more time. They flew her to a large city hospital and I remember watching the air ambulance fly over my head as I drove the 2-3 hour drive to catch up.

She laboured and they made the decision to resuscitate. Sage was born first and it was very sad however, her husband coached her to push and Dare came out. Very tiny at 1lb 2oz. His eyes were still fused closed. Skin translucent and head the size of an egg. He was moving and fighting though.

I will never forget that time in the delivery room after the birth as they shared the sorrow and hope and allowed me to be part of this intimate time in their lives. I will never forget when I walked to the waiting room and the grandparents, my husband and son and strangers were waiting to find out what was going on. I can vividly remember walking into that room with all these eyes on me and the rush of emotions I had when I blurted out that Dare was alive and both family and strangers wept with me.

Dares journey during that first year was not without bumps in the road. Lisa and Kirk were such a team and although they had to cope with the grief and loss of Sage they put their energy into their family and supporting Dare and each other.

Things did improve and when she came home with Dare he was still on oxygen and immune system weak. There were questions whether he would completely lose his vision. However he continued to do well and make gains.

Despite the fact he lost his vision, he thrived and grew. His parents did not allow his lack of eyesight to prevent him from living life to the fullest. He did martial arts, hiking, camping, swimming, instruments almost everything a sighted child did and were their child's advocate when he faced discrimination due to his loss of eyesight.
Dare was a delight. He almost always had a smile on his face and loved people so much, and people loved him. Although we would only get together a few times a year my husband Will grew close to him as he got older. They were laugh and talk about cars and watches. Will would tease Dare and Dare would love it and be in fits of laughter.
Dares sister Alyssa was born a few years after him, full term. They were as close as two siblings could be. Lisa home schooled them and although they were involved in many community programs, they loved spending time together.

The loss of Dare is almost too much to bear. I know that somehow we will all get through this and Dares life had meaning and although he only had 14 years on earth, he lived more fully then some people who had 80. He is still with us, I can feel him everywhere. Although he shares that he is joyful and it was his time to go- my human mind doesn't want to believe that there is a reason a child has been taken from us so young.

This type of tragedy brings the realization that life can change in a moment regardless of how careful you are and what precautions you take. It makes me question everything. It makes me wish I could get beyond this sorrow and loss faster as, who knows how much time before something changes and I will want these days back. That is the thing about grief, you don't know where it will take your thoughts and heart as it's different for everyone.

The challenge for me and I suspect many is overcoming the fear that each time our child goes out the door, that they will return intact. Monday afternoon I did not do well with this test. When my 16 year old son did not return home after school as usual, I gave him a couple of hours. But, two hours in my heart was pounding, the fear was acute and I was looking for him in my car. As with 16 year olds, he was at a fast food joint with friends and then skateboarding and "forgot". He is dealing with it in his own way too. I let him know that Mom and Dad will be on heightened anxiety so, to just be diligent in letting us know where he is and when he will return. I know for sure that I cannot control destiny and this is just one more challenge that I will need to work through. Life will unfold as it is meant to whether I worry about it or not so, I need to trust in the process. Come back to centre.

My hope is that we can take the love that Dare gave us all and that we have for Dare and share it with each other. My hope is that once we get past the shock and acute sorrow we will remember what legacy Dare would want for us. Difficult time have a way of bringing people together or driving them apart. I have had enough losses to know that together is always better and Dare I'm sure would agree.
   

LEONARD, Darrelle (Dare) Batten Prentice - We are thankful for the gift of over 14 years with our beautiful, joyful boy, and so saddened by his sudden death on Monday, June 22, 2015 from an aggressive infection that affected his brain. Dare will be greatly missed by his Mom and Dad, Lisa (Prentice) and Kirk Leonard, little sister Alyssa. Grandparents: Ken and Anne (Delong) Prentice, Carol Leonard and Jim Newton, and Lyndon Leonard. Great-Grandparents: Beryl Vignale, Don and Betty Delong (deceased), Ed (deceased) and Cathy Prentice. Uncle Will, Aunt Sandy (Batten) and Cousin Christian Prentice. Uncle Shane and Aunt Lisa Leonard. Uncle Mark, Aunt Julie and Cousin Leah Vignale. Uncle Dan, Aunt Anne and Cousin Andrew Delong. Uncle Bob (deceased), Aunt Trish and Cousins Michael, Mary, Anna, Rachael and John Delong. Uncle Jim and Aunt Jean. Uncle Bill and Aunt Jan Prentice. Aunt Cathy and Uncle Bill Mackenzie, Aunt Heather and Uncle Brian Appleby, Aunt Dawn and Uncle Mark Shields, Aunt Doreen and Uncle Grant, many cousins and more family and friends. All are welcome to celebrate his life and give condolences this Saturday, June 27 at the Beth Israel Synagogue/Unitarian Church 775 Weller St., Peterborough. Open visitation 2-4pm. Service 6:30pm. Reception after.

 

Abundance in my life-February 15, 2015

Working with Olivia on the spiritual living for life course for the past 13 weeks has been beautiful. I have become deeply in tune with the spirit world and my own place as a spiritual being living a human experience. During a new years meditation I was provided with a "word" for this year ahead and it is "Abundance". I totally believe that everyone can have what they want in life. Whatever we put energy into, is what comes back to us. So many years ago when I wouldn't want to do something,instead of saying no, I would say I had a sore throat or cold or whatever and I noticed I would actually get sick.

Now if I don't want to do something I don't feel the need to make an excuse, I just say no. 

My life is filled with abundance and everything comes to me that I need. My family is beautiful and thriving, my health is great, I have all the "things" I need to live. Not all the luxuries I think I want but everything I need, I have real and intimate friendships and great work. I have full time contract with the womens shelter. Not sure when it will end. Its been a few months and keeps getting extended but, I'll go back to part time when that ends. I have recently been hired at a mental health agency and start there soon as well. 

Not every day is easy and I know there will be challenges in all the above areas at one time or another but, I know that it's all required for my evolution towards who I am meant to be. 

My vision board has the following. Laughter, healthy, FUN, Purpose, Unconditional Love, Going to India, Gratitude, Yoga, Mindfulness, Meditation, Great Beauty in Nature and Passionate Extraordinary Love! Why not have everything I desire. 

Having all of this is not someplace I go to-like a warm destination. It's something that comes to me where I am. I cannot relocate and find all I desire. I am required to build what I desire with all of the distractions and inconveniences that surround all of us. Truth told I cannot imagine being anywhere else anyhow. My family is in my heart and I LOVE them so much. My wee grandchildren are only a few kilometers away and I love being able to go watch their hockey games and have them drop by for a visit. My family adds such depth and joy to my life. The children remind me not to take myself so seriously and have fun. 

Abundance.....