Closure, Tears and Yoga-May 25, 2013

Today was unseasonably cold so the garden was out and the inevitable last time at Moms place was in. First I went up to the Hot Yoga studio and got an unlimited 3 month pass and did groceries then on to Moms. I had done most of the cleaning out but, found I always left a reason to go back. I'm not sure why but, I feel like I have the best chance of connecting with my Mom at her place. I can still feel my Father around but not so much my Mom. It was very emotional for me but, I packed up the remaining items and turned my key and fob into the managment. I walked around to the south side of the building where my Mom and I went 4 weeks ago today to look at the rose bush I have given her a few years ago. I sat on the bench and watched the birds come and go and enjoyed the warm sun. A little red bird was flitting in and out, bossing the robin around. It may have been a young cardinal, I'm not sure it didn't really look like a cardinal but, I couldn't get a really good look. Eventually I knew it was time to close this chapter and walk away. I may go back to see the roses and the birds one day.

Long week-end, gardening and 3 weeks since Mom's last night-May 21, 2013

I have been going crazy in the garden over the past 5 days or so. My dear friend Gail got bitten by the gardening bug when her brother died 11 years ago and my Mother also fell into this form of therapy when my Dad died and now I find I am becoming healed by creating in the earth. Gail has a gift of vision with the gardens and she has helped me a great deal. Not only in the earth but painting furniture and other items "refurbished" into useful items. We had lots of laughs in addition, screaming muscles. My foot that has been sore since Christmas is killing now based on how much I'm on it.

All in all a great long week-end. I worked a shift, spent lots of time with Gail and my family and the weather was spectacular all week-end.

My oldest son Shawn with his son Jack visiting before Mom died.



Son Justin with his neice and my granddaughter and my Mom's youngetst great grandchild who was one of her last meaningful contacts. She thanks Michelle (background) for bringing the kids and reached out and touched Lydia and said good-bye.



Today I went to see a grief cousellor to talk about one-on-one sessions. I feel like I am working through my grief in a healthy way just sometimes it hits me and I feel such sorrow. I had to "tell my story" to the counsellor today so, that brought up some memories about that last few weeks of Moms life. I find I am going to call her sometimes or when a commerical about Hell's Kitchen show came on I laughed with my daughter. During the last few days of her life my daughter Racheal and Sam were with me at the hospital with her and Racheal had her Ipad and was looking for some show Mom wanted called "Best Recipes Ever" and she had Racheal searching all over, she searched and searched "Chex" and every other place and after much agony looking she found it and told Mom she found "Best Recipes Ever" and Mom say's ' What's that' I've never heard of it" and then Racheal say's what about "hells kitchen" and Mom says. "What? that's the worst show on T.V.". "We laughed so hard about that we nearly cried"

 So, these little things are popping up that give me pause to remember and today I'm on the down side of the roller coaster. I am just missing my Mom today.


 





My Garden









Notice the pink crocs are back









Better Days Ahead-May 13, 2013

Today was a better day then the past few. I spent most of the day cleaning and purging. My washroom and bedroom today. After the past few days I became concerned that I might become stuck and even though I had a good day today I called the local hospice and palliative care place that I just finished my volunteer training with. I know they have grief counselling and groups for people who have experienced loss. No group starting up until September so they suggested I do an intake and talk to the counsellor to see if I feel the need to do some one-on-one sessons with people that are volunteers that have a similar experience. I am not sure that I want to follow that path but, if I put it in place now, if I do find I need more support it will be in place. I am impatient about getting back to where I want to be in my career and life but, nothing is the same and I need to find some balance and clarity. It will come. I need to remind myself that it is only 11 days in. If it was 3 months in and I was feeling unable to function fully I would be more concerned. I also have been talking about getting back to my Yoga practice for a while. It's been over a year since I've done a class and so I booked into a class tonight. I do not think it's the place I want to pursue my practice but, it got me out and moving and moving forward.

Life goes on-May 11, 2013

I am tired, not just tired, had a long day tired. Exhausted, don't want to get out of bed tired. Lifetime of tired. I am weepy and grief stricken and not sure what to do with it all. I assume it is all part of the process. I have have invites to go out for coffee today, just don't want to go out.
I did go out for a bit and took a car for a test drive. A red Yaris, seemed like a great little car. Was told by people who know more then I do about cars it was too much for that car. Dropped it back and crawled back in bed. I have cleaned up a few things, vacummed and back in bed.
My friend asked me about going to a medallion tonight. I'll see how the evening falls into place. Tomorrow is Mothers Day. I am going to do my best to face it with courage and joy. My sponsor and her husband are taking my two youngest kids (14 and 21) and my husband and I for breakfast so I am hopeful that when I wake up tomorrow I will feel the joy of the day.

Good-Bye to Mom-May 5, 2013

Today was my Mothers visitation, service and burial. It went beautifully. All of the grandchildren were here. Three flew in from Western Canada and U.S. and it is as always, like they have never been away. I have always been close to my nephews whether they live close by or far from home. My nephew Derek(sisters son) did the eulogy then my nephew Mark(brothers son) shared memories, then my son Justin shared his memories, then my brother Dale shared, my sister Linda shared some of my Mothers volunteer and community service, I shared a poem that my Mother (I had forgotten she asked me to do this about 14 years ago) asked me to write, then my daughter read the poem Footprints and closed with the Lords Prayer. My sister in law Sherry was the M.C. and did a fabulous job. Everyone that got up spoke with such love, confidence and thoughtfulness. So many people came through and I was cocooned with support and love. People from my family, my A.A. group, former neighbours, school friends it was just overwhelming how many people showed up and expressed their care. My former mother in law hugged me and it just felt wonderful.We have been through so much together. Her husbands death, family trauma, death, birth, she was there when my youngest daughter was born and she is such an incredible woman. I have always considered her an important part of my life despite the fact the marriage did not survive all of the relationships did even with my former husband. He is a an important part of my life. I am truly blessed to have family from all around me, past and present. After the service we started making our way to Warsaw. My sister from B.C. was on her own in a teeny rental car that could not hold much so I travelled with her as it was about a 90 minute drive. We had extra time so several of us gathered at the Warsaw lunch for a cold drink and some food. The cemetery service was short and her 6 oldest grandsons were palbearers. We went back to the family cabin for the gathering of family and friends after. The greatgrandchildren all cousins played and we told stories and laughed, it was the perfect end to a beautiful good-bye. My Mother would have been so very proud and happy. I should say she is very happy with what she saw today. here is the poem that I wrote yesterday for my beautiful Mother. You are free now Mom.

Courage to Change

You may not stand in front of me

With words that I can hear

But, when the wind blows on my face

I know that you are near

The time had come to leave us

Your struggle was too great

Your other half reached out his hand

No longer would you wait

Out of sight, not out of mind

And those who know you well

Understand that you live on

With each story that they tell

Remember me, love me

Let me go

Your own stories still to make

Take me with you

I’m everywhere

My love is yours to take

My legacy is in this room

Don’t long for what is not

Let go of hurts

Reach out your hand

The best cannot be bought

My struggle done

My life complete

Rejoice! Do not despair

I’m with my love, just look above

For two hawks in the air.

Grandchildren May 5, 2013

My Mother is released from this Life: May 1, 2013

At 8:50pm tonight my mother took her last breath. Her last breaths were the most peaceful ones I have heard her have in the past long while. During this day I had prepared to be staying there day and night for a while. Brought in pillows/blankets/clothes and such but when I got there I knew that she looked different. She told me that if anyone wanted to have visit with her they better get here soon. I called my brother and sister and while I couldn't get hold of my brother I followed the steps he told me to follow if I needed him to come and he would be there just as soon as he could. My sister immediately booked a flight from B.C. and was almost immediately in the air. I whispered to my Mom that Linda heard you would like her to come and she just jumped on a plane and is on the way. Through the day there were many visitors. Her brother in law and sister in law came in, her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren came in, no shortage of people. They came and went spending time with her but giving her time to rest and be quiet. Her grandchildren that lived far away called and spoke with her and during a stopover I encourage my sister to talk with her, just in case she did not make it. Same with my brother, I wanted them to have a sense of being connected to the day she died, being mindful that of course they are alway connected just because she is intensely connected to them. My youngest child Christian is just 14 and not prepared for this situation and decided to stay at home with Ramya and Anusha however he talked to Mom after school that day, and they each expressed their love to each other and said good-bye over the phone. He had been in to see Mom the day before so this was good closure for them both. My five oldest children and two grandchildren were there and Moms real last words were to my eldest son Shawn and the youngest grandchild Lydia, she reached out and touched Lydia (6 months) little hand and said good-bye, and thanked my daughter in law for bringing the children and she said good-bye to Shawn, and he replied he was just walking the children and Michelle out, he'd be back. She never really spoke coherently after that, she could hear and was in and out but mostly restless movements. I was in awe of my children, I thought they would come to say good-bye but they stayed, all of them in quiet support. Even Tyler who is not always at all events, he's a young 25 year old who has a busy social life, he sat by my side and I felt his love and support. Shawn always strong, dependable and real, Justin just makes me feel better and says the right thing, Racheal is just made for this type of situation, thoughtful of everyone and so giving and compassionate intuitive and Samantha who is a young 21 was able to be there for me over the days and during Moms death with the maturity of someone far beyond her years. She tended to Moms needs and helped other people. They can never know how much that meant to me and I am forever grateful. My nephew Derek had been there all day, and I love him like he is just like one of my own. He tended to my needs while I tended to Moms. Late afternoon she began to get restless and agitated, she just couldn't stay still, she moaned and asked for something to help her with the agitation. I had my daughter check on my brothers timing since we sensed she might be "holding on" and found he was about two hours away still. So he talked with her and told her it was alright if she was too tired and I think this gave her permission to go if she wanted. At about 8:30pm we thought she was looking a bit better and said "I think she'll make it" within 10 minutes we noticed her breathing getting quieter and about 5 minutes later she was definitely slowing down and I sensed she was dying soon. I had the ones sitting there go get the ones that were in the quiet room and everyone sat around and talked to nana about being there, helping her through this and loving her. It was a beaufitul and peaceful end to a very difficult last few years. I layed my head beside hers and put my hand over her heart for about 10 minutes while she took her last breaths. She was in my arms and surrounded and grounded in love and support by six of her grandchildren and son-in-law my husband Will. The staff came in about 20 minutes after she died and did what they needed to do to pronounce her death legal and then brought in tea and were had tea and told Nana stories until my sister and brother arrived. Initially I did feel a bit defeated like I couldn't keep her alive until everyone was there but, my nephew Derek really assured me that I did everything I could and intellectually I know I cannot control death but I felt bad for my siblings. As they said they have had lots of time with her lately and they did get to speak with her earlier and did all they could to get there, it was only one moment in a very long life.  Every single one of my family waited until I was ready to leave. It was so hard leaving Mom there, I felt like it's been my responsibility to watch over her for so long, to leave her there felt wrong. They waited in the hall for me and we all left together. In the hall they had lit a candle in honour of Moms life. It's been a long day, going to bed.