But for the grace of dogs-June 26, 2013

One of my A.A. friends has an issue with God in A.A. I shared that it is a spiritual program and that one only needs to find a power greater then themselves. A rock, the wind, the group or God spelled backwards is Dog. So tonight after the slogans I pointed and said, "but for the Grace of Dogs" we had a smile together. There is a feel of Christianity to the program although it's not suppose to be about that and some people are offended by this and do not stay. Instead of walking away from something that is life changing, it's better to adapt it so it adheres to the program and works for you.
Powerful speaker tonight in the 30 degree+++weather,  that reminded me how many face discrimination over many things. Race, sexual orientation, gender, disability and so on. We have some distance to go before we are truly an inclusive society.
I got my new car yesterday and I'm loving it. It's so zippy and hugs the corners, is clean and reliable. After group I took a couple of friends for a quick ride while my friend I drive home was having a cigarette. I wanted to show them how zippy it is so we peeled out of the parking lot and up the road. One wanted to show me where she lived since I am going to do some work with her tomorrow and I thought it was just around the corner but, it was a wee way up the road. My other friend was thinking I forgot all about her. It was fun though and very HOT! Very grateful to be here today.

Grieving is a journey, not a destination-June 19 2013

I had a reasonably good day. Worked with my daughter, came home and spent some time cleaning my own place, spent some time outside. Few snags with the redoing the mortgage and such, to do with changing the amortization but nothing crazy and unmanageable. Had to pay a very large water bill that I hadn't planned on but, such is life. Went to my friends for a short visit before going to my home group A.A. meeting. Great meeting, stopped at Wal Mart, picked up a few things and made my way home. Stopped at the red light where my Mom's place was and just felt this stabbing loss and a sense of disbelief that my Mother is gone. I know she is gone, but at times it just comes out of nowhere and I feel it acutely and with such sorrow. So sitting at that red light crying and as I thought about it, today it is exactly 2 months since my brother and sister and I celebrated her 77 birthday. I also think my youngest son's grade 8 graduation is tomorrow and that is another big thing that she will no be at and maybe it's just a combination of things that have me at loose ends tonight. I have such a clear memory of her last days and they both comfort me when I feel the loss and add to the feelings of loss. I remember she kissed me on the mouth that last week, and I had begun calling her "my Little Mommy" an endearment that she seemed to like. Many things are going well, my work is progressing and I'm getting lots of hours, my gardens are beautiful and I love it, spending time with family and friends I enjoy but there is such heartbreak at moments like this that it is hard to breath and I just don't have the privacy I need sometimes when these moments come.  Thankfully it does not last long and I am back in my happy and grateful place but, right now, in this moment, I am angry and sad  that my parents were both taken too soon, that my youngest will not have the same experiences that he deserves and that selfishly I just want my Mother here to be that rock for me. Someone just to care about me and my day. I am so grateful for those last few months as difficult as they were, that allowed me to understand my Mother better as a person who had a difficult journey and did the best she could with what she had. I guess I just need to understand that there will be days like this and I have to expect it. Tomorrow will be a joyous day. My son Christian will be dressed in his finest, although the same suit we got him for the funeral, nonetheless, he will be so excited and nervous. It will be a wonderful time and I will be so happy for my son.

Graduation, and the HAWK-June 15, 2013

Graduation was June 13 and went off without a hitch. On the drive up I started thinking about Mom how, she should be here. Even at this age it feels like my parents should be at my convocation but, I was very fortunate to have my husband Will, daughter Racheal, son Christian, father-in-law Ken, daughter-in-law Michelle and my two youngest grandchildren Jack and Lydia there to cheer for me. Jack was so cute. When our line had to file up to the stage I passed by them and Jack gave me a high five. However nothing was cuter then when he said, "I'm so proud of you Grammy" in that sing son 2 year old voice. We had to get back for Christians soccer and I ended up getting a call to take a midnight shift so no time for celebration. I got to see my very dear friend Kathy and also Katie who was a special friend that I will always stay in touch with. A few of my professors also. Today I spent my day in the garden. I worked furiously to get the herbs planted, that summer savory that Mom wanted to ensure was ready for Christmas dinner and I weeded and put more mulch down. I also planted a beautiful flower in memory of my Aunt and Mom who died one week apart. It sits beside a statue that I either got from my Moms or I bought from my sister of two angels in my front garden. It was a day made for gardening and I made the most of it. I am feeling a bit reclusive today. I felt creative and was trying this and that, experimenting with what I could make from nothing. I have Moms dresser in the shed with my gardening supplies on it. Atop the dresser sits the large picture of Mom that she used to keep in her bedroom. I propped it back up straight and asked a few questions to her about what I should do. While I was in the backyard gardening I happen to look up and there was the Hawk. A lone hawk though, Mom did tell me she would appear as a Hawk, when I saw two I would know here and Dad are back together. This Hawk circled up in the air fairly low, glided off, came back and stayed overhead for some time, and then went higher and higher so high I couldn`t believe it. It made me happy but, puzzled. Where was the other Hawk? I looked and looked but, did not seeing anything and it came to my head. The harder you look, the more elusive it it so, I went about my gardening. I looked up a little while later and there was the Hawk again, and suddenly I saw another one come in, and then there were six more. Now I know that is unusual behavior for Hawks but, there were eight Hawks that flew closer and then seven of them left. I watched for the signs that they may be another bird but, they were steady, no warbling and Hawks. I called Christian out to see and he did not seem as excited as me and by the time I located a camera there was not a Hawk to be seen. So I finished up my day and took a bath and here I sit.. My son Shawn turned 31 yesterday. He is at his in laws cottage so hopefully tomorrow I can have a little visit with him. Life is good.

Me and Katie

Kathy and I

Flower planted with angel statue in honour of Mom and her sister Anita

Do what you love-love what you do-June 7 2013

Got another shift today that turned into a longer shift. It's great to be working back to back days so I can get a feel for the work. I found out when I got there I had to run a group session tonight. I had about 15 minutes to prepare and I really enjoy group counselling. I am tired tonight but not quite ready to turn in. Again, instant reaction on the way home from work while I was driving, was to wonder if Mom was worried why I have been away so much and that it was too late to call her. Only a split second but then of course I was back in the moment. I found myself a wee bit teary this morning, thinking about missing Mom, I'm not sure why. I worked a late shift last night and rushing about have a few home stresses on the go so I was pretty tired feeling so I'll just put it down to that. It passed as the day progressed and I had a great night at work, super super busy but great. I realize that I have gone into the right area and I am living my authentic self, doing work that is meaningful and hopefully helps those I'm doing the work with. The one thing that has come to me today is as long as you're breathing it really is not too late for anyone to do anything or change anything in their life. I have an overnight this week-end so as challenging as it is for me to stay up the nights, I'm ok with it as well. Here's to IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN.

Working Days and Upcoming Commencement: June 6, 2013

Just got home after working a 14 hour day. First 1/3 spent with Racheal cleaning. It was good to catch up with her. I haven't really talked with her since she moved into her new house last Friday and here it is in the wee hours of Thursday morning. I got a call to cover a shift from 3-11:30 so I threw some veggie lasagna I had left over, changed my clothes and zipped over to the shelter. Love my job and the people there. I have an overnight coming up in a few days so I'm working my way up to staying up all night again but, right now I'm getting tired. I have my college graduation coming up in 1 week from today. I had been so excited about it when I finished but, the past few days I have become acutely aware that my Mom is gone. There have been a few stabbing reminders in unexpected ways.  I had considered not even going to it but, that would be the wrong decision so I am going to get dolled up and strut my stuff across that stage! Carpe Diem!

Yoga and a Spiritual Visit from Mom and Dad June 2, 2013

I just got back from Yoga and finally had a visit from my Mother since she has died. I did a vinyasa class and it was awesome so wanted to do the Yin class after. Changed and lay down and almost immediately sensed my Mom and Dad both with me. I could see them in my head. Dad looked younger, like 30's and Mom looked younger but only by about 10 years, somewhere in her 60's and happy. As I understood it from them you work your way down to being in your 30's and it might take her up to a year. She's been busy adjusting, reviewing and learning so that's why I haven't felt her so much.By the time the class started I had happy tears rolling down my face.  They both assured me they would stay with me through the whole class, I could feel them immersed in me and rubbing my neck and feet, just surrounding and immersing me with their love and gratitude. Mom communicated gratitude for my help and I came to understand through them that Dad was there to take Mom and she was pulling at her oxygen subconsciously because she could see him and knew he was there to get her and she knew if she took it off she would get there faster. My father did the same thing with his oxygen and I asked him who came for him and he said his Mom and Dad and someone else, but I wasn't sure who. I thought Bryan but I think what they said was that my brother Bryan( who was older then me and died as a 2 month old infant) wasn't with them but they did not seem sad about that. I wondered if he was an angel or back on earth or something and I didn't get a clear idea about that. All too soon the class had the final resting pose and I had lots of spiritual energy racing through me from them but, then the class ended and they were on their way to wherever they needed to be. When I left the studio the girl at the front said, "you must have had a good class, you look so much more peaceful then when you got here" and I said "it was exactly what I needed".