Christmas Vacation-December 27, 2011

Another year is coming to a close. It's mind boggling to me that only a year ago our lives were in complete turmoil and it felt as though everything was slipping away. Now a year later my husband is running his own business, and doing quite well, and I've just finished my first semester as a full time student with a 91.3% average. Yes I did work very hard for those marks, it did not come easy, but it was rewarding for sure. I've made some new friends, and learned who my true friends are. There was some disappointment in those I thought were real friendships and learned otherwise, but I'm ok to release those now, and know that some people are only in our lives for a specific reason and timeframe and it's ok to move on from them. There has been way more good than bad that this past year has revealed to me, even though I would never have believed that 11 months ago, it is so. I am exactly where I suppose to be and it feels great. Christmas was wonderful, probably the best I can remember. I had a full week off prior to Christmas, and this week right after Christmas off, and then another week! I have volunteered to help with new student orientation for the January starters, so I go in for training a week from Thursday and I think I'll be ready for it then. Our commerical business is doing well, we've gotten a new client and another one lined up that seems promising, and our schedule is pretty good now, we work 4 weeks on a rotating schedule and then get 2 weeks off. We will be going out to my sister and brother in laws Linda and Mikes place for New Years Eve. I am really looking forward to spending some time there. I miss spending time with my sister, and her son and daughter in law with my 7 month old great niece Laurel (from birth story in May) will be there. I just love her so much, and feel a real connection to her. Much like her father, my nephew Derek. He was always special to me and has an aura about him that draws people to him and she has the same thing. My daughter told me tonight she's looking at doing an international exchange during her 4th year of university, which is about 18 months away, which will be an excellent experience for her. Well more relaxation for me. Worked tonight, but tomorrow I have nothing booked, except maybe reading and movie watching. Life is good...no great!

Week 13-November 28, 2011

Heading into week 13 now. Had over 20 assignments and group projects due, and down to 2! One is pretty much done, few things to do and just waiting for the day to arrive to present to class, and one I've started and will take me most of the week or week-end to finish up, then finals and done. All is going pretty awesome for the most part. Made 1 really good friend that I plan to keep up with and hopefully will settle in with a few more. I am staying in Peterborough tonight at my room rental place. That has worked out pretty well. Only 5 minutes from school and clean and quiet. Prefer when he's on afternoon shift, then I have the place to myself at night, and usually out in the morning before he surfaces. Tonight he has company of some sort, I didn't interupt, as they are watching Toy Story movie I believe, but he'll be long gone when I get up in the morning, so I'll have the place to myself to get ready. Started volunteer at The Denise House, and I love it. Such interesting people. Life is a blessing, I feel so grateful to be where I am in life.

Winds of Change-November 12 2011

I felt the inclination to write a poem about my evolution, so that's my post for now.

Winds of Change

Winds of change

 Blowing in

Changing my thoughts

Leaving me breathless

Hungry for justice

The wind is wild

Stinging my face

Knocking me down

Changing me

With every gust

The wind is calm

The world has changed

In my mind

I walk away

Changed

But still the same

How is the change

Invisible to everyone else

I walk forward

Knowing

That more winds are coming

The change has only

Just begun

Reading week-October 23 2011

Wow 1/2 way through first semester already. It is going so fast, I can hardly believe it. I'm still loving it. I hit a bit of a wall last week, during midterms. I had assignments due, 5 midterms to study for, coming down with a cold, and working the cleaning jobs with Racheal. I am a perfectionist, I'm first to admit it, however I'm also quick to defend it. It's important with any job to leave it the best you can, however I can also admit, I'm a bit tactless sometimes. In my effort to be efficient I think, I get right to the point and sometimes what I mean to say, doesn't come out the same way, and I thinking my hard working daughter was also overtired and senstive that night, but anyhow she felt like I was implying she doesn't know what she's doing and snapped at me while I was trying to see if the streak on the door was on my side that I'd cleaned or her side she was wiping. Anyhow, she knew in the morning she overreacted and apologized, but I cried all the way home, and then even the next day I was weepy over the slightest thing. I think I've had so many people I've trusted turn on me in the past year, that it felt like one of the few I have left, turned also, and I know that isn't the case, but in all my stress and exhaustion I was a mess! You know how that one thing that is the last straw that pushes you ALL the way over the edge.
Anyhow, the week went fine, my midterms good. My one I was worried about, Social Welfare I got 80% on, and Aboriginal History, which I figured I did well on I got 96% on, and the others I haven't heard yet, but it should be fine. My computer one I think was 86%, waiting on a few assignments and test marks still. Going to get a few assignments started and hopefully finished this week while I'm off and take some down time as well, to refresh and recharge for the next 7 weeks. I've started volunteer work at Denise House, the women's shelter, still in training but very excited to start. Everyone seems good. I had Justin and the kids in today, and Racheal and Brian in for a bit, Tyler is here now, he comes by every Sunday to watch Dexter, which I love. Sam has her internist appointment on Tuesday, so we'll see where that is at, but she is feeling a bit better. She had a "booster" for her immune system at the naturopath yesterday and seems dedicated to eating healthy and taking her vitamins, working out. Tyler's stitches seem to be healing from his unfortunate toilet bowl shard in the foot8 stitches later injury. As I inch toward my 50's I'm hoping my life will be settled by then and I'll be living the passion job.

Super Sunday-October 2, 2011

October is here! This month brings cold weather and beautiful colours, Hallowe'en, the time change and my birthday, I will be 48. Funny inside I still feel 20. Sometimes it surprises me that someone thinks I'm faculty at college. I'm thinking I'm actually "one of the kids". Got 100% on my counselling skills test and 100% on my power privledge and oppression pop quiz this week. I've been put into groups projects and I have 2 groups I'm a bit worried about working in, one is all guys and I'm already feeling like I'm running the show, doing the work. The other has a very immature young lady in it that from what I've seen is not loving the academic side of school. However I suppose it's all part of the experience, learning how to work with all kinds. I spent about 10 hours doing school work yesterday, and today I will be getting back to it, but for now, I'm sitting in front of the fire, having a coffee and relaxing for now.

Living the Dream-September 25, 2011

Wow how is it possible that a month has gone by? It's been pretty hectic, but I have to say I am love love loving it! I feel like I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be finally! I've heard it said that when you're living your authentic life you know it, and now I know how that feels. The strike came and went and for 2 weeks it was a bit inconvenient, hiking over 1 km to school with 40lbs on my back, or getting up at 5 to go to school to beat the picket line, but it never bothered me to the point that I felt anything but gratitude to be there. Now the strike is settled and I've got my first 2 assignments done, a quiz done and a test this week. So much work, way more than I expected, but I'm going to plow through it. I've signed up for every organization tool I can and I'm expecting big things from myself, I hope I don't disappoint me! I am going to start volunteering at Denise House in Oshawa. A shelter for abused women. Kids are doing well for the most part, and Racheal, Sammi and I are moving ahead with our business. Racheal and I are doing sales every other Thursday and I'm keeping Angelas cleaning for the off Thursdays, and I'm trying to do my monthly cleaning job, but move it to a Saturday, since I don't have any days left. My son Tyler (23) is in school doing his trade schooling right now, and I think it's a bit of a haul driving into Toronto, with the rush hour traffic, but I'm happy he's pursuing something he's interested in. Justin is back in his house now for nearly 2 months, and the kids seem so much better, much more relaxed and well adjusted. He's taught himself guitar, and piano again, and has his place cleaned and painted. The others are just busy with school and work. Samantha has been struggling with this illness for a while. She's had the fatigue for 2 years now, and they found that she does have Epstein Barr virus, which is a mono type virus responsible for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and her bloodwork is a bit wonky, so she has to see an internist and we'll continue with the naturopath. Just waiting on the allergy tests to come back now, and a few prayers as well. She's had a rough time of it lately. Had a visit with Mom today and she seems ok, no worse at least. We had a nice visit anyhow. I am making an effort to live in the moment, each day. I know this time will fly by.

Passion found and real-August 22, 2011

Well I got the word today that I was approved for funding and am going to be attending Fleming College as a full time student this Sept, like 2 weeks! Isn't it amazing how things work out. From the early blogs I had not a clue what I was going to do, and now to be standing at this what feels like a whole new life, is so amazing to me. I am so grateful that God knows what I need, better than I know, otherwise I'd be still at the same place, being stressed and absent and not feeling like I was either valued for what I did or that I was adding value to the bigger world as much as I desire. I will continue to blog through my journey, however I may change the name of my blog, and possibly let me family(other than my sister and a chosen trusted few that I thought needed to read something specific) in on it. My heart feels so full today, and I hope that I can go on to use this opportunity to give back and be a change maker.

Future and Past-August 19, 2011

Back from my trip to Nelson, struggling with the time zone difference, seeing as it's 11:00 and I've not yet gotten OUT of bed. I was also up much earlier with some stomach troubles, and went back to sleep, not to awaken until almost 10, and am going to take it easy today. I talked with someone from second career yesterday and she asked me lots of questions and tentatively booked me an appointment, will have the decision in a few days, said it looked "promising". Dare I hope? I am actually afraid to get too much hope up for this, to avoid crushing disappointment, but I am going to be optimistic and keep positive energy around this. On the flip side, my old "work" is now training for fall, and I saw their hiring ad in the paper and the person who took over my position has "officially" been put in my old position. I have come to realize that he was likely gunning for my job the whole time, and it's been a tough one for me to swallow. I'm still confused with the lack of any communication from any of those people who were suppose to be my friends and that I helped both professionally a!nd personally throughout over the decade I was there. I continue to piece more of the ugly background together as time moves on, and I am not doubting that I am happy to be released from that bondage, the relationships that at one time were as close as any I've known, or so I thought, continue to plague me on occassion. Sometimes it's here and sometimes its non-existent. I think because of the time of year, it's here. I've had a few dreams recently about it, and them. However I know that I'm on the path I'm meant to be on, and am so very grateful for the opportunities I've had. Carpe Diem!

Chillaxing in Nelson Day 5-August 14, 2011

Well, my sister Linda and I have been here since last Wednesday and it's Sunday now. We've done lots of touring around, and have witnessed the most beautiful scenery that one can see. It's been a wonderful time and we are very compatible travellers. If one of us wants to do something the other doesn't, so what? Nobody has to do anything. We've had lots of laughs together and travel great together. We have met such interesting characters staying at the hostel, young and old. It makes me happy that I feel in a place of peace and serenity most of my hours now. The past few days we've covered lots of ground, and today we've just crashed on the "Big White Porch". This is where everything happens, usually from about 6:00pm onwards. Lots of dynamics going on. Usually the very young ones on the front lawn, and sometimes the twentysomethings on the far end of the porch, and the older ones down by the doors and table, and a mixed bunch in the middle, which is usually where we fall. We went downtown for breakfast, a coffee house that is a happening spot, and went for a little walk and Linda got lunch, but I'm not too hungry. We're both completely in relax mode today. Our energy levels are very low despite a good night sleep, so we're just hanging out on the big white porch and see what unfolds. Only 2 more days before we have to say goodbye to Nelson again.

Feeling Good-August 8, 2011

It is my nephew's 31st birthday today. He lives in Portland, where my sister is actually visiting until tomorrow when she flys back and we go to NELSON together. I think I'm ready. Bag is packed pretty much, taking Sam to get her bloodwork shortly, and then my Mom's breathing test tomorrow and Sam's eye check up tomorrow, I've submitted my Second Career Application, done all I can for Services Canada, Called for a naturopath appointment for Sam when I get back. She can use her $300 per year from year just ended and start new year Sept 1, so that is great! Got Christians hockey paid for, Sam's tuiton done, have to sort mine out a bit still, hope to get it done today or tomorrow sometime. My Yoga mat is cleaned and outside drying. Had a good night sleep.

Sjorgens Syndrome???August 4, 2011

My daughter Sam that we thought might have mono or the mumps a month ago came to me a few nights ago telling me that her glands were still swollen, and I checked and indeed she is, and she tells me she is having trouble swallowing, her taste has really disappeared and her mouth is so dry, she sometimes is woken up by it. Drinks all day long too, so in addition to her much worsen fatigue, which has gotten increasingly worse in the past 18 months, I knew it was time to get her into a doctor and really get this looked into. She has dark circles under her eyes as well daily now. Her sister and her joke about her "black eyes", it's so prominent most days. She has had this fatigue and tireness despite lots of sleep since grade 12, and she's in 2nd year of university now. Her boyfriend who she hasn't seen for 2 months due to his attendance at a U.S. university came home last week and she couldn't even stay up to visit with him, she told him she had to sleep(at 10:00pm) and lay down on the couch and went to sleep. We've had physical's and bloodwork and they always come out fine. The doctor seems to think it could be sjorgens syndrome, which is an autoimmune disorder that attacks the exocrine glands and potentially other organs. Her hands hurt daily as well, when she's doing stuff. When I look at the description I just want to cry. She's so young and so ambitious and hardworking and kind. It breaks my heart to think that my child will have to suffer a life long struggle with this. I pray it's mono or a virus that may go away. At least the Dr. doesn't think it's lymphoma since she "has glands all over her body affected" and typically he said lymphoma one gland system is affected. Although if she does have this, the odds of her eventually getting lymphoma or non-hodgkins lymphoma are increase dramatically. She had to make an appointment for bloodwork on Monday morning and an eye doctor Tuesday morning. It's a difficult thing to diagnose if it's autoimmunce. I need to breathe and gather my strength so I don't get myself worked up over what may be nothing, and if it is anything I will have what I need to help her. Right now I am grateful she's at Racheal's for the night, because I feel like I might need to fall apart a bit tonight and get it out of my system. Easy does it.

Arrowhead Camping-August 2, 2011

How is it possible that we're into August already? We had a wonderful time camping. It took a bit of patience while I adjusted to camping with a group of 26 that included lots of kids and routines that we're different than mine. We all took a turn at cooking a meal so we only had to cook 1 large meal(for 25) and the rest of the week I just took my plate, fork and lawn chair to a site to eat. However dinner wasn't till after 9:00pm, which is fine, but I wish I'd known that ahead of time the first night or two. Their schedules and pace were way different from ours. When they decide to do something, it takes what seems to us like forever to get moving, I felt like I spent so much time waiting around the first 2 days, and then I just thought, I'm the one letting it frustrate me, so I just decided to do my own thing and if it meshed, fine, if not, that's fine too. They all stayed at the campsite more than I like to do, sitting around drinking and I spent time reading and watching the kids swim, and reflecting that even though I do feel like an outsider often at these types of things, I am exactly where I want to be. I don't want to be like that. They are wonderful parents, and better than most out there, however I saw things that I indicate it subtly affects the children. One morning one of the boys playing games with Christian at our site saw his mom for the first time that day, and she drove by our site without stopping to say hi to him and he said "my mom is going to get more wine", and he sounded sad. All week the kids, some of them teenagers would be swimming at the lake, and I would be the only parent down there. I know they aren't reckless parents at all, very safety minded, but alcohol does cloud judgement. Anyhow it's another beautiful week setting up, and I've got some tasks to do this week before I leave for a week to B.C. with my sister.

Beautiful Summer-July 26, 2011

Had a great time camping at Sibbald Point, and the boys soccer team won the whole tournament. We are leaving again tomorrow for 5 nights to Arrowhead Provincial Park with about 5 other families. Each family takes a turn at a supper, so we have to cook for 26 for 1 night(kids and adults) so otherwise we just cruise from campsite to campsite and enjoy. Hopefully the weather holds out and stays hot and beautiful like its been, but we'll enjoy it either way. Today I'm getting my hair done and I will stop for a pedicure. My feet are in rough shape. I am feeling positive and attempting to keep away from negative energy. I find I'm really noticing those who are draining me. I am able to let most things roll off me, and don't understand those who get so worked up over unimportant things and focus on control, however I know I can't control that so instead I just stay away best I can from that energy. I'm not sure why many people seem a bit grumpy lately, maybe the intense heat is getting to them. Me? for the first time I feel free and relaxed. I have not had this lack I responsibility or committments for as long as I can remember, and it's only a couple of weeks I'm in this space, but I'm sure enjoying the ride. I know I have a 3 week maximum on "doing nothing", so I'm enjoying each stage as I'm in it, and finding all my passions!  I had Jenna (niece) in with my great niece Laurel last week for a few hours and just love their energy! She is an amazing mother, and meets all of Laurels needs so beautifully and Laurel is such a beautiful peaceful baby. Smiles and coos now. I am truly blessed.

HOT HOT HOT-July 21, 2011

Summer heat is on. I believe we hit 38 degrees around 50 with the humidex. It is steamy out there. I don't remember a hotter summer before. I don't remember the last rain we had. I think I may have come crazy close to "finding my passion". In the past month, I've discovered I want to attend community college to pursue social service worker. It's a 2 year program, which is a huge committment, especially since the local college is full till next year, I will have to drive to Peterborough, if I'm lucky. I handed in my application to the local office today for second career. The lady who is my counsellor has a week to review it and then I'll make any adjustments and we'll submit it.Then it's out of my hands if it will be accepted. I know I meet all the criteria and I've done my homework with the application. It's been like a full time job. Had to do a budget for household and a projection for next 2 years. Call around doing labour market research, interview 3 schools and get information and an acceptance letter from the one I decided on, various reports I had to include and job postings. In doing my labour market research it became obvious that employers prefer to hire from community colleges over private, which is a bit of a drag since the private college is local and only 1 year over 2, but if I'm going to do this, I might as well do it right. Fingers and toes crossed, and I will not allow any other thought besides I will get in to the program! I had Jenna and baby Laurel over today. She is such a sweet and beautiful baby. So relaxed and happy. She was smiling and cooing, and just so pleasant. They have been so fortunate right through the pregnancy birth and beyond. She stayed for about 3 or 4 hours, which was lovely to have her visit. It was like grand central here today. I had Tyler come in while they were here, then Sam came home and later Brian dropped in to get Sam, the phone was ringing lots which rarely happens. Anyhow it's pretty quiet now, I'm baking cupcakes and muffins to take away. We're heading to a soccer tournament tomorrow and camping for 4 days, and we're having a team pot luck and I'm bringing dessert. Got to clean tomorrow, then pack up and head out hopefully in good time. We're back for 1 day then camping again for 6 days with some friends and their families, then when I get back it's only 1 week and my sister Linda and I are off to Nelson. When that is all said and done, it will be middle of August. I'll just enjoy today for now. One day at a time.

Canada Day...almost. June 30, 2011

Canada Day is a significant day for me. It is of course the birthday of our country. My husband and I got married 11 years ago tomorrow on Canada Day, my nephew's birthday is July 1, and my father passed away 12 years ago tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like yesterday that Dad died, and in other ways it seems like a lifetime. So much has happened that he hasn't physically been here for. He missed his last grandsons first steps, first hockey game, first day of school, 11 Christmas' mornings, his grandchildrens weddings, births of their children, my great rise and fall in the business world, growing old with my Mother, having his son live close to home for the first time in his adult life, to see his daughter who struggled with academics all through grade school go on to University and hopefully College, to see his other daughter travel the world so fearlessly. He would have loved to see how close our family is, that I was with Derek and Jenna when Laurel was born, that his daughters are taking a trip together and how close and dedicated the kids are to each other and to me. All the growing and changing that has gone on for the past 12 years has been so great in our family. I know he's been with us, but feeling him just isn't the same as seeing him, talking to him. He was the one person that I really felt looked at the world with objective eyes, at least the last few years of his life. Those were our best years with him for sure. I know he would be the voice of reason when I'm at loose ends, or even when I'm looking to bounce something off someone who just had the gift of listening. My husband reminds me a bit of him, he's got alot of patience at his disposal and I give him a run for his money sometimes, but he rarely loses patience with me, and is a good listener. Tomorrow I will know that the breeze hitting my face is my Dad coming by to say "I'm right here, just like I always have been" and I will enjoy my day celebrating this glorious country we have the privledge to live in, feeling gratitude for this beautiful life with all it's pain and joy, it's abundance and choice, and the gift of family and friends that I am blessed to have. Knowing that everything is exactly as it is suppose to be, just like it always has been. I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I need.

Monday June 20, 2011-School, Wedding and Life-Oh My!



Me with my 6 amazing Kids, Samantha 19, Shawn 28, Christian 12, Racheal 25, Justin 27, Me an Tyler 23



The wedding was awesome! Everything went so well. Racheal looked beautiful, and everyone was healthy and happy! Danced till it ended. They went off to the Pocono's for their honeymoon. She had a weird dream about my Dad-her Popa on June 19 that was mostly positive, but also said that something was going to happen in 60 days and that she should not "go crazy". Turns out 60 days hits right on her birthday! Finished up school the following Friday June 17 with my final exam, which I think went well, haven't gotten any marks back yet, and I've registered for Philosophy and Business for fall. I was at my sisters for a girls week-end and just got back yesterday. The weather was amazing, although I felt stuffed up all week-end and slept just awful, even for me, but the company and surroundings were as wonderful as always so it's all good. On Saturday we went to Bloomfield and were sitting at a cafe for lunch when a man started choking behind us. To me he appeared to have a completely blocked airway, I didn't hear him talk or cough. His eyes had that crazed look of panic. Whoever was with him asked him if he could talk and he shook his head and indicated with his hands around his neck, so she went behind him and tried to do the Hemlich manoever but I've taken the rescue training several times and knew she had her hand placement all wrong, way too low, so after she did two pumps and he was still no better I told her she needed to put her hands higher, so she asked me if I knew how to do it and I said yes. I found the spot and gave him one hard pump(he was a slightly round firm bellied man) and I'm not sure if it went down or came out, but he immediately coughed a few times and seemed fine. I'm not sure if I helped or not but I'm glad he's ok.My arms were pretty sore from the effort and I felt a bit shakey right after, but everyone seemed to want to get back to "normal" and I just kept how I was feeling to myself. My mother went to see her breathing doctor and her lung function has gotten worse, not a surprise to us that know her, but I believe it was 27% worse than it was 3 years ago. I am to take her to get some tests done at the Hospital on August 9, the day before my sister and I fly to Nelson B.C. for a week. I am so looking forward to that trip! For this week, my clean for tomorrow got rescheduled to Thursday, so I'm doing 2 cleans on Thursday instead of 1 tomorrow and 1 Friday. That gives me 3 days to recover my strength, which is much better. Then Friday I have a workshop all day. Christians birthday party on Saturday, when his birthday was in January, so I'm a little behind but I'm getting there!

Day before the Wedding-June 10, 2011

It has been a hectic crazy fun filled few weeks. My course if coming to the end, that has been intense so I am happy to be near the end. In 6 weeks there will have been 12 lectures, 2 labs, 10 quizzes, 10 discussions to post, 11 assignments to hand in, and 2 exams. I honestly have gone out to clean most days and come straight back to the computer and been here till bedtime, all the while of course juggling wedding plans. The wedding, WOW the neverending wedding is here tomorrow! We had the rehearsal last night, at the church and back to the grooms parents. It was a lovely party. The parties have gradually been getting taming. The bachelorette was a 10+ crazy, the Jack and Jill alst week-end was a bit crazy, but lots of fun, and it raised $2200. for Racheal and Brian, which was awesome, and the party last night was just relaxing and low key, lots of great food and company. They gave out their gifts and Racheal had jewelry made for all the women. All custom made purple amethyst. I love mine, feels so personal. They gave the dads a golf storage beautiful wood unit, with engraved plaques. Will loves his, and is going to use it to store his camera equiment. Today is pedicures, I need to clean to house some, and it's not 8am and I've got my first back of cookies of the day for the wedding cookie table. Lots of people have dropped trays off here last night, and I've got about 6 batches to go here. Then tonight I think Cindy(Ken's sister who is a bridesmaid) and Sam and Racheal and Cassy(my grandaughter, the flowergirl) will watch chick flicks and hang out here. We went back to Kens(Racheal's dad and stepmom Pam's) house after to load up all the decorations in a U-haul and home around 11:00pm, then I had to finish studying for a test, and do the quiz online.  The weather has been so hot and muggy all week, but really chilly this morning. Calling for showers tomorrow, however we can't control the weather, so whatever it is will be great. Found out they fired another 2 people from my former company. A salesperson who has been with us for a few years, and is the one person that I thought had no agenda with others. She is a single mom of 4 girls, pretty quiet person normally, but seems like if you want to keep your job there, you need to be willing to be ruthless, loud and willing to sell your soul, so I'm glad she's out of there. Also a photographer who has been with us for a few years, thought she did a good job, got fired over an email. Too much. However onward and upward for me. I'm going to relax a good part of this day, get my toes polished up and enjoy my family.Blessing about!

Last Day of May-May 31, 2011

Wow tomorrow is June 1 and 10 days till the wedding! Things are getting hairy now, the Jack and Jill in 3 days, and Racheal finalizing her table seating and those last minute details that we've been waiting so long to finally deal with...are here! I got 86% on my midterm and 88% on my 1st lab, which I am thrilled with! Only 2 1/2 weeks to final exam and another lab due next week, 3 more discussion, and another 5 or so assignments. ahhhhh. I cleaned at a new house today, a bit stressful, the man brought home his wife and NEW baby they had last night while I was there! It's just twice I'm going there in June, then they are moving. Nice couple, although finding mickey bottles stuffed in the sofa makes me sad for them. Racheal and Sam cleared about 7 or 8 out of it last week. I have another new one I'm starting tomorrow for a teacher, so it's just June for now, but that is ok, I'm ready for a bit of down time. Came home today and literally at my computer, typed out 21 pages for this chapter of my course, and submitted another discussion. Had Racheal in working out the seating and printing up her programs. She is slowly hauling stuff over her that she will need for wedding day, so the house is filling up. It's so close to the hall, it make sense to keep some of the items here. Found out yesterday that 2 more people got fired from my former office, 2 good people. I have no idea what is going on in that place, but heartless leadership..if you can call it that, however onward and upward, I offered a reference if they need one. Hot Hot Day today! First sweltering day of the year, I loved it though, but I'll admit my air is on for me to sleep. We had a june bug just escape in the house, and I am not a lover of the june bug, so I called for Will and asked him not to kill it, to let it back out. It was flying around and I'm hiding behind the curtain and, he caught is and is now outside taking pictures of it.(lol of course) before he sets it free. Still a bit left over tireness from the bachelorette party, 1 hour 54 minutes of sleep, that I have not completely replaced my sleep debt, and plan to tonight-God willing. Clean and study tomorrow, Thursday is a test and I need to submit an assignment and I have to go see Shanti in the afternoon, and Friday I'm getting my hair done """""yaahooo''''!!!!and than going to help set up the Jack and Jill. Ate our dinner at 9:00 tonight, but at least together. Namaste I am in my happy place.

Finding time to find my passion-May 28, 2011

I think I may need to redo the name of my blog. I just finished my midterm and thankfully finished it with an 87%, so I'm in ok shape with the course for now. It's been NUTS! 4 day week and I cleaned 2 of the days, went to Toronto for a workshop, and had 2 quizzes, 1 lab, 1 discussion and 1 assignment due, AND the midterm. Oh yes not to forget Racheal my lovely daughters Bachelorette party . which is.now today. I didn't finish my midterm up until after midnight and I'm still to hyper to sleep, so I'm getting caught up. I watched Oprah's last show Wednesday or Thursday and on it she said, we are all called, and it made me feel sad, because I just don't know what I'm called to do? The lady at the yoga show said I knew, but I don't feel like I do. Guess the jokes on me, everyone but I know what I'm called to do. Hope sometimes lets me in on it soon. I now have crazy stuff going on in my right eye. Flashing white arc of light and lots of floaters. What the heck? Once this course and wedding finish up.....which will be within a week of each other...I'm doing some down down down time. I might become a meditative slug! I can't complain, I have a wonderful life with a wonderful family and friends. What more could a little Dottie Mommy want?

Miracle of Birth-May 20, 2011

What a week! The May long week-end is upon us now. My last week-end that is not crazy busy until after the wedding. I've been working so hard, and this psyc course is so demanding, I've feeling a bit overwhelmed today. I picked my Grandchild Cassandra up at school sick yesterday, and I thought I was going to have the house to myself to get all this school work done, but it's been one interuption after another. 2 guys at the door trying to sell both lawn care and driveway sealing, and they both had trouble with their speech. I daresay they might have had some trouble with their frontal lobe, in Broca's area which plays an important role in the production of speech. I know...too much studying. However I'm doing pretty well. My first quiz did not go well, only 66% and then a 76% and yesterday a 91%, but I think there is a glitch in their system, as my second one said I got 3 wrong and when I looked back over the answers that it said I put....no way, so I took pictures of my last quiz..lol...I know pretty sad, but I don't mind taking a poor mark when I am not prepared or don't know the material, but my 76% should have been a 91%, but I'll accept it, and continue to take snapshots of my work! I've had phone calls coming in, and my husband was suppose to be gone for the day and he was back at 11, then my son home for lunch, it just seems like I am not suppose to be sitting working maybe?My girls are off for the week-end and my husband and son are going to Peterborough tomorrow, so I was so looking forward to having the house to myself for the day, maybe do some cleaning and my son called in a bind for childcare for my 3 year old grandson. I really at first felt like "are you kidding me?" I am feeling a bit stretched right now, and I know I was free to say no, but he's got lots on his plate and I do want to help, so I need to look at this as an opportunity to look at the day with a child's eyes and get outside and enjoy the day! The best thing that happened this week was my neice and nephew had their baby and I had the great honour of being their doula. It was such an amazing experience and it is how I envision the "perfect" birth to be, if there is such a thing. It did make me reflect and feel a bit sad for my daughter in law, who wanted to have such a birth and got right to the end of a difficult labour with no medication and on her terms, but for reasons beyond her control ended up having a C-section after pushing for 2 hours. She is such a strong women, very much like Jenna. I hope that if they have another child, that she feels she has an option for a VBAC and it would be such an honour to be present, however I will respect whatever choice she makes, she is amazing. However I am going to post Derek and Jenna's birth story I wrote the night I got home from the birth that I presented to the couple. It tells it much better than I can explain 2 days after the fact.

Derek and Jenna’s Birth Story-Laurel Abigail-May 18, 2011-1:59pm

When I got the call from Derek on the morning of Wednesday May 18, 2011, I was excited that things were happening for you both. Jenna, you had lost your mucous plug the day before, but knowing that can happen well before labour, I was pleasantly surprised that was not the case for you. So when I spoke with him around 7:00am as I was heading out the door, he said the midwife had just checked you, and you were 3cm dilated and 40% effaced and -2 station, which was a good start. Derek said that it could be 6-12 hours and not to come until maybe early afternoon. I was not comfortable leaving it that long, so we decided after rush hour I would head in. So just after 9:00am I left, and of course traffic was still pretty stacked up, so I arrived around 10:30am and you were already in the water. The midwife said you had gotten quite active and were 5cm, which was wonderful news. She did mention that the baby was OP and although you weren’t having terrible back pain like many people do, you were having a strong urge to push. You were working very hard with your contractions, and Derek and I focused on keeping you from pushing.  You blew and panted and occasionally pushed/grunted and we pulled you back to blowing. The midwife checked you around 11:15 and you were 6cm. So you went in the birth pool for a bit, and the premature urge to push was very challenging for you, but you worked through it. Changing your slow deep breathing and blowing out, to a faster patterned breathing and blowing which seemed to work better for you.  Your midwife discussed the saline injection, and you decided to try it. It would have involved 4 needles into your back of sterile water. I had not heard of it before, and I just asked her about side effects and benefits, and it seemed to be a safe, non-invasive option for you to try. Trying not to push when you have the urge is almost unbearable, but you worked so hard. She warned you that they sting, like bee stings going in, and the pain of that continues for a few minutes. She was right, it really stung, and after 2 of them, you said “enough already”! You got out of the tub and did some standing with your leg up on the sofa, in an attempt to get Laurel turned. This was pretty uncomfortable and it was about 10-15 minutes before you were back in the tub. It seemed to be the place you were most comfortable. You liked to be on your knees in a wide stance, leaning on the tub wall, even though your hips started to really ache. You really listened to your body and rocked back and forth naturally, helping the baby to turn. Your midwife was so helpful in getting you to change positions regularly. The urge to push continued and intensified. Derek had gone briefly to buy some Gatorade for you. There was a moment that you seemed to be overwhelmed, wondering if you could do this, and I had started suspecting you were further along than what would have been expected for a first time mother.  I took you by the shoulders and asked you to look at me. I told you that you were strong, a warrior. That most women don’t do this, because they don’t have the inner strength that you do. That you were almost there, and we were all there and were going to help you through this, and Derek had just come back, and reinforced this. Your moment of doubt passed so quickly as you refocused your efforts to get through one contraction at a time. Some contractions were coming one on top of the other, and then you would get the odd one that would be 4 or 5 minutes. Derek kept speaking to you about how far you’ve come and how strong you’ve been and encouraging you, and was so attentive to your needs both emotionally and physically. As you continued to fight the urge to push your midwife suggested she might be able to manually rotate the baby’s head into an anterior position. She talked to me about using Olive Oil on your back and encouraging the rotating from the outside while she tried to do this internally.  I was hopeful that you would be much further along at this exam, even though it had been less than 1 hour since you had last been checked. Your contractions were very close together, and the urge to push so strong, I felt certain that you were in transition. When she checked you, as soon as I saw the look on her face, I knew you were close, but this even exceeded my hopes! You only had an anterior rim. So she asked you about pushing the lip of cervix over the baby’s head with the next contraction, and you agreed and it was successful!  Back to the water for you! There was some discussion about towels and blankets for the baby, and when you were talking to Derek and called him “sweet pea” I had to smile. I commented that I had heard many women call their husbands names during labour, but nothing as nice as that before. You had a renewed sense of purpose now, knowing that you were on the home stretch and it seemed much better for you after that, you worked so hard with the contractions pushing. You pushed for 2 hours and went from knees to seated position for a bit. I told you if you wanted to reach down and feel the baby’s head and you wanted to. It seemed to really help you focus your pushing to feel it.  After about 90 minutes you were feeling that you weren’t making progress, you couldn’t feel her moving. Your midwife reinforced that it was a gradual process, that you were making progress. Derek kept encouraging you, and cheering you on which you responded to so well. She suggested the birthing stool in the water, and although you didn’t seem too keen at first to try it, once you were on it, you loved it. You really made great progress with it, and brought the edge of the baby’s head out, and used a mirror to see.  It was suggested that you go back into the water, since you were on the verge of giving birth the baby would need to be kept warm, submersed in the water, so you agreed and went off the stool into the water and in the next few contractions your midwife asked you to go to hands and knees, which I asked her about later and she said that if there were any problems getting the baby’s shoulders out, you would already be in position. So within the next few contractions you pushed the baby’s head out, and then her shoulders and the rest of her body slid out easily. You immediately turned over and took your baby in your arms and the joy and relief were easily read on your face. Both you and Derek were emotionally overcome with the joy and relief, and I’m sure there was not a dry eye in the house as we witnessed the birth of a family surrounded with love and peace. Laurel had a rather short umbilical cord and when ready Derek cut it and released her from the place she had been attached to you for the past 9 months. The placenta took another 10 minutes or so to come out, and you pushed it out smoothly. You stayed in the water for a while, and eventually the midwife asked if you would be ok to go to the sofa, so she could access your rate of bleeding. It didn’t seem like you were bleeding much, however after 20 or 30 minutes you mentioned the blood flow, and when checked you had a fair amount, and a large clot. It seemed to be a bit more then I was totally comfortable seeing and the midwife talked to you about an oxytocin injection, and you didn’t answer right away. I told you if you were my daughter I would want you to have it, and that I would not want to see you have to go to the hospital. To me it seemed like such a small intervention and it was after the birth, I was very relieved that you agreed you wanted to have it. It made you crampy and Derek took Laurel and sat in the rocking chair with some skin to skin contact, and bonded with his daughter while you squeezed my hand during the very painful massage they had to do on your uterus to try and work a blood clot out that she suspected was in there and causing you some trouble. It was successful and after you passed another large clot your bleeding got much lighter. Your midwife was so respectful and consultative throughout the entire labour and birth process. Always explaining and asking permission before proceeding with anything, it was such an atmosphere of empowerment and support that she provided. I am so impressed with the level of care and caring that I saw. What a great decision it was to have them as your caregiver, and possibly a stroke of luck that you got this one for your birth. After sharing this experience I do feel like you are like a daughter and Derek has always been more like a son than a nephew for me.  I am so proud of you and Derek. The level of commitment you both showed and Derek’s emotional support in the process were huge factors in the birth experience you had. Allowing me to be with you is such a gift. You have given me far more from this experience then I have given you. The trust it takes to allow someone to share in such a personal and life changing moment like this, is huge, and I don’t take that lightly.  I am so honoured to have been given your trust with this role and privileged to be a part of this time in your life. Sometimes in this life things are presented to us as a gift, a gift we didn’t even know we were missing until we received it. Thank you for your gift, my life is forever changed for the better because of you both.

Love (Aunty) Sandy

Deep into Psych 1020- online May 16, 2011

There are some things that shoud never be done when you have distractions. My online psych course is one of them. Condensed from 3 months to 6 weeks, but assisnments and discissions on top of the labs and quizzes are TOO MUCH! I love challenge, but why do I consistenly give myself nearly unreachable goals and kill myself to reach them I've worked about as far as I can I think...just in case my doula services are called upon suddenly. Working a new cleaning job with Racheal tomorrow, a temporary one, but it's going to be good while it's lasts. Got to see Shanti on Wednesday, then I am home to study and prepare for Thursdays quiz, of course depending on the upcoming birth. Anyhow getting tired, hope to finally touch base with one of my good friends from Edmonton that has been trying to call the past few nights and I keep missing him. Going to sleep now, I need some of my neurons function at full capacity for tomorrow.

Mothers Day 2011-May 8 2011

Jam packed week-end. Saturday was busy, had my nephews baby shower all afternoon, and then went to dinner with my brother and sister and their spouses with my Mom and Will of course for dinner. I was so tired yesterday, just couldn't get it in gear. Today was a beautiful warm spring day. I got all my gardens weeded and edged out, and Will got the grass cut. I have never had my gardens looking this good in the spring. I have never noticed how beautiful the flowers and trees are before this year, and how sad is that? I went over to my moms tonight and she has so many birds around her place, I think I'm in danger of becoming that crazy bird lady! I had all of my kids in at one point this afternoon. Shawn and Jack were in, and Racheal and Brian, Tyler, Sam of course, and Justin and his buddy Mike came in. Mike is a childhood friend who has struggled with many things. His Dad leaving when he was a child, his Mom was an alcoholic, and she died of cancer about 2-3 years ago and he's only 28 years old. Awhile after his Mom died he quit his job and has been pretty much drinking ever since. So for the past 18 months that's been his life. He hadn't been to the gravesite since his Mom died, so Justin called him up today and said it's time and picked him up and took him.to the cemetary.By the time he arrived here he had somewhere around 16 drinks he said. He had mentioned he'd been mandated to go to A.A. last year for a DUI charge, and how he couldn't related to them at all and this guy talked about his drug use, which they shouldn't have done. He said he'd had 3 beers before the meeting and so his mind was not on recovery, just avoid jail time. So I just talked to him about how that was probably just not a great meeting and that sometimes happens, and talked a bit about the young persons meeting that is on now. I didn't harp on him at all, but let him know if he wanted to ever talk or know more, I'm here. Gave him a big hug and told him to come back again, so hopefully he makes it and doesn't become a statistic. Justin has some big challenges ahead I think now. He's come so far, but his ex partner is sure not in a good place, and her bipolar disorder makes it very challenging to deal with her.
Tomorrow is cleaning in Whitby, then into Toronto for workshop Tuesday. My niece Jenna is 38 weeks now and due anytime, so I'm on call for the now home birth! Can't wait!

Spring has sprung-May 5, 2011

How is it possible that I've not posted a single entry since April 23? So much going on, but instead of writing I'm finding no time to, so that will change starting NOW. Racheal's shower went wonderfully. I am so grateful that my former husbands family and mine all gets along so well. Not that it happens all by itself. I have made it a priortiy, knowing how important it would be for the children and family, I've done all I can to ensure that our relationships have been maintained in a postive way, despite the divorce. As well they are all wonderful people that have done the same. There was somewhere around 40 or more people here I think, that included my family, my former husbands family, my present husbands family and some friends of Racheal's. 37 days to the wedding now. I got my marks back and I got 86 percent as a final mark. 98 percent on my final exam. I could not believe it. Somewhere deep inside I still felt like that little girl who couldn't concentrate to save her ass, never did great in school, and always felt inadequate because her brain just wasn't wired the same way as everyone elses. I can't believe how many new things I've been able to learn in a few short months. I have been accepted as a "regular" student at the University, and that is something years ago I could only dream about. I'm starting my next course now, it's an online one. Very intensive, as it's shortened from 3 months to 6 weeks, so it's twice as much, but I think I'm going to enjoy it! My nephew and his wife are expecting in 2 weeks now, and I'm their doula. They are having a home birth, and I was on my way home from a meeting with Shanti yesterday and thought "OMG what if they've been trying to get hold of me." I have no cell phone anymore, and I've been gone for 4 hours. So I went out and got a pay as you go phone yesterday, so I've got something for them and to leave on my resume. I've got to get back in shape. I'm making a committment to that starting today as well. I went for a run tonight...darn near killed me. My chest was hurting, and I had to take an inhaler.....I know crazy. I'm going to a hot yoga class tomorrow. Namaste.

Happy Easter Week-end-April 23, 2011

It has been an absolutely beautiful day. It started off rainy and grey and around 11:00am the sun came out and the temperature soared up to about 20 degrees. I got some house cleaning done, including some windows and the yard work and gardens. I feel like it was a very productive day. Will was at his friends all day helping him fix his truck, so it was a "me" day, which I really do need once in a while. I know for me, it's important for me to recharge my energy to have days to myself once in a while. I mean it wasn't totally myself. My youngest son was here, but 12 year olds are not too much trouble. My 23 year old son Tyler came in for a visit. It was great to see him, although he looks tired. I went out to the health food store today and got him some multi vitamins today. He doesn't eat well and doesn't take vitamins, drinks and I think he still smokes, so I do worry about him. Nonetheless it was wonderful to spend some time with him today.
Our birds are alive and well around our house this spring and we have some beautiful birds around our house. Yellow finches and cardinals. The birds have found our bird seed in the feeder now, so hopefully we'll get to see a good bird show every morning. I don't know if they have just come to our area or if they've always been here and I've just not noticed. I feel like I am seeing things with new eyes almost now. Mindful living is so much more amazing. School is finished for the semester! I think my final exam went well, I hope so. It will be another week or so I expect before the marks are posted. I start another one in 3 weeks, but I am doing an online one this time, but I think it will be intense, since it's condensed into 6 or 7 weeks instead of 3 months. My nephew and his wife are coming tomorrow for their last doula appointment before they have their baby. It is almost upon us. I hope they don't have it next week-end when I'm throwing a big shower for Racheal's wedding! Oh well if that happens, I'll leave Cindy and Sam in charge. Carpe diem!

Busy and Grateful-April 20, 2011

Wow I am slacking off in my blog. It's been quite a whirlwind lately. Emotions are up and down so much, but the last few days have been extremely stable. Even in light of some nuclear family upset, I feel surprisingly calm and grounded. I have been very busy submitting resumes. I keep sending them off, it feels like to a black hole. I got so excited to get a response from someone that they RECEIVED one. It didn't appear to be an automatic response either. Anyhow designing cover letters and changing up my resume a bit depending on the job, is very time consuming. I have a resume building workshop at the Oshawa career centre this afternoon, so I'm heading out soon. I'm on the hospital job run today. Submitted resumes to Sick Kids and Mount Sinai today. I got accepted at Trent to be a real student!!! YAY! It does feel like some things are falling into place. I started a new cleaning job last week, that is just a monthly one, but better than nothing new. I also gave an estimate a few days ago, and waiting to hear on that job. Final exam tomorrow so I have to crack the books today at some point, and tonight I'll be up doing that. I was away at the yoga show on the week-end with my sister and a new friend of my sister Linda, and now mine Gloria. She's lost much this past year, her mom, her husband and her cat, so a week-end of laughs was just what the doctor ordered for all of us. I ate 1/2 a cake that Linda baked. It was the best cake I have ever eaten, and I ate WAY too much. I am meeting with a friend for coffee before my meeting tonight, I am committed to spending more time with friends from now on. It's great for the spirit!

Attitude of Gratitude-April 9, 2011

It was a beautiful day today, sunny and warm. It felt so energizing to be out in the lovely weather. Our hot water tank-tanked on Thursday, so that was how the day started off. The 2 guys came to put in the new tank. One of them turned out to be Justins friend. Very nice man. Justin's long time partner that he just broke up with in the fall, got remarried in a city hall wedding yesterday, to a guy she's been dating for about a month. Crazy stuff! Justin found out from the father of her first child by a text message. She has not told the children yet. I went to see my wee grandson Jack today. He is such a joy. When I got there he was in his jolly jumper and when I came down the stairs, he just broke into such a spontaneous joyful smile and excited babbling, it warmed my heart. He just makes me feel so happy when I am near him. I need to spend more time with him. It reminds me to hold gratitude close to me when I experience "Jack". Racheal is getting her stomach scoped and biopsied and colonoscopy next Friday. The Dr. seems to think she very well might have Celiac disease. Next week is so busy. I'm in Toronto Monday, Tuesday and Thursday at workshops and working Tuesday morning, Wednesday and Friday, cleaning houses, then off to the Yoga show for the week-end with my sister. I am looking forward to that, take my mat lie in the garden area all day and wait for each new person to show up. I had my last lecture on Thursday, 2 weeks to final exam. I have mixed feelings about it. Some relief that I won't have to keep up with the workload as I balance everything else for a bit, sad as I loved being there, and I really enjoyed spending time with my daughter in class, and happy that I have done so well with such new learning and at such a stressful time in my life. I think I will be doing an online one instead of the socialogy one I've signed up for. I'm still waiting on a few things to line up before I commit to one or the other.
I have been sending out resumes through the week, and it's extremely time-consuming and apparantly useless since I have yet to hear back from anywhere.
 This week I will approach each day as a child. Looking at everything with new eyes, like I'm seeing it for the first time. I will anticipate the great in each day, and be excited. I am looking forward to getting up and travelling with so many other unique people in on the train at rush hour to get to my session time for 9:30am downtown. I will watch for the lessons I need to learn. I am sure patience as always will be near the top of my list. I will commit to being mindful. Practicing mindfulness is becoming so much a part of my life now, and it needs to be. I miss too much joy and beauty when I rush and am not present in every moment. Now I am listening to the children outside playing and laughing.  Their laughter sounds so inviting and contageous. I will enjoy tomorrow, starting with staying in bed until I feel like getting up, then lounging around in my jammies till I feel like getting dressed.  My son Justin is coming over with his two children for a visit. I miss seeing them all, it's been about 2 weeks and I thnk I will go and see my Mom. If the rain holds off, I'm going to ride my bike!

"If my heart can become pure and simple,
like that of a child, I think there probably
can be no greater happiness than this."- Kitaro Nishida

Rough thoughts-must get back to basics-April 4 2011

It is Monday, and raining. My wrists still hurt, I have a couple of zits on my face, my dear friend and sponsor has a "spot"on her lung and my spirits are slightly deflated.I have been thinking more often about trust and how I "have issues" with trust, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I find my thoughts drifting to my so called friends from work and my perception of the betrayal of it all. I worry that justice will never be served, when I know that it is not my place to worry about. I just feel like at times I have such a difficult time letting things go. I think I have let it go, but here I am again with this emotional baggage hanging like a stone around my neck that only has a negative effect on me and serves no purpose in my life. My childlike hurt feelings just pop to the surface without much warning more often lately than a month ago even. I know I know " oh woe is me". I am not going to attend any pity party, just feeling a bit overwhelmed with decisions circumstances and responsibility. I was to my "new" career counsellor today. A program called "the Hidden job market". A table with 5 women around it watching a "taped" session, with a real-a real amazing person running the computer. Lots of great people, but no interaction. I was talking with my counsellor on the phone later, asking her to review a cover letter. As I have to continue to actively "job seek" in order to apply to this second career. She does not seem too be encouraging about pursuing this,almost like it's not available,even though it supposedly is. I was explaining to her that I saw a few interesting jobs, but they were contract work, like 7 months and I didn't want to do something like that short term, as then it would mess up my ability to apply for the second career program. She was all about applying for the job, regardless. What it  felt like she was she was trying to sabotage me. Not a good feeling in a career counsellor. Maybe there is more to it that I'm not aware of. Maybe the program is "unofficially" out of funding? I'm going to ask her about it when I'm in next. I don't want to waste my time waiting for something that will never happen. Then my application at Trent is sitting on a desk somewhere still. I had to ask the academic advisor to look into it. On a good note, I ended up getting a 100% on my second lab, which was completely unexpected in an awesome way. I'm feeling a bit rudderless the last few days. I know I need to get back to basics, back to my yoga practice and meditation and keep a postitive attitude. Knowing it and doing it are two very different things. Tomorrow is a whole new day! That is a beautiful thing.

30 year medalion-special night

I had the great honour of being asked to participate in someones 30 year medalion. How's does one get 30 years of continuous sobriety? One day at a time, same as the person who has 1 day of sobriety.
I went to VPI today(thats my new acronym to add to my vocabulary) they are the government funded counterpart of KWA (one my former company set up). So I wanted to find out about this program called 2nd career, where they help with people who have been laid off, and meet criteria to retrain "ie go back to school" You have to have 16 points to be considered a "supported" application, and I have 15. I can get 16-17 by being unemployed for 3 more months! They don't do "degrees" but will help with retraining in a college area with tuition and EI for the 2 years( I think). So now my brain going 100 miles per hour is thinking 3 months from now is 1st of July. So instead of not qualifying, my thoughts are to put in a supported applicaction in July and hope for the best. So now I have to decide am I going to contine to take a university course over the summer? This place has a whole bunch of workshops to attend about finding employment. Met an inspirational women there today working .She found herself owning her business married one day and the next pennliness and in a shelter. She fought back and she eventually went to retrain and just started at the career place a few months ago and she is 61! Such a lovely woman too! I am feeling slightly overwhelmed with the many decisions I  have. I am also concerned now that my trip to India with my daughter may not happen if I do get into this second career. I need to meditate, breathe deep and know that everything is as it should be and will work out as it should, as long I do the next right thing each time with what is in front of me.

Death is nothing at all.

I found out today that a dear friend of mine has recently lost her father, and I am dedicating this poem I love~ and has brought me comfort~ to her beautiful Dad.

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

Beginnings and Endings-March 27, 2011

It is the end of the week-end and the end of hockey season 2010-11. Christian had his last game today, and his team lost in the shoot out. Oh well, they have to learn to be good losers as well as good winners. Christian won the team medal for most dedicated player. He sure deserved that! I'm so proud of him. Shawn came to watch him today, as well as Will's Dad, so it was a full house.
It is also the beginning of a new week. It's my cleaning week, so it will be jam packed for sure.I had to find a job I liked and draft a cover letter for it, for Shanti.  I've actually applied to a job at a local Violence Prevention place for a very part time position, like 10-15 hours. Not sure if they'll call, or if it will work with my life but you never know
It would be great experience. I do know that I won't be able to clean forever. I am now wearing braces on both wrists. They started getting sore a month or so ago, and it must be from all the scrubbing with cleaning, and once they started hurting, everything like throwing my backpack over my shoulder, putting my seat belt on....everything was making it "tweak". I can't seem to keep it straight on my own, so I've got a wrist support on them now. I have a slightly more supportive one on the right, since it's more inflamed. We'll see after a week of work, how they feel. You know you're getting too old when you're walking around with 2 wounded paws!
 I have Racheals wedding shower invitations in the mail now, and organized my Avon stuff over the week-end. I dropped by and saw Mom today, and she looked a bit better. Still a bit shaky, but less breathless. Racheal was just in tonight and we were sitting near the fireplace as usual and she must have gotten too close to the glass(gas fireplace) so the next thing I hear, is her yell "I'm on fire", but not screaming like she WAS on fire. She leaned onto the glass with her puffy winter vest, and it melted onto the glass. So she must have felt the heat and smelled the burn, and gotten away before she really got burned. Jeepers, never a dull moment. Then Will and Christian and I played an hour of Rumoli, which I lost badly, and I'm watching the Celebrity Apprentice now, then off to sleep for me.
There is no telling how many miles you will have to run while chasing a dream.  ~Author Unknown

Wild week. Deep girl talk-Hospital life and Life!-March 26, 2011

Officially it is spring, however this week we have seen snow and very cold temperatures. It looks like it might get closer to "average" temperatures in a week. We are moving full stam ahead with my daughter Racheals wedding, and I am planning a shower for May. My mother was in the hospital for a week. I went to watch American Idol with her a week ago and at the end she asked me to call 911. Her COPD was in a bad way again and she was really struggling to breathe. I brought her home Thursday this week, and she didn't look any better to me. Still breathless, and the bruising on her body was heartbreaking. She seemed like a broken little bird and I just wanted to wrap her up and rock her like a child to comfort her. I got her settled and filled all her prescriptions, and talked a while with her. I hope after a few nights of sleeping in her own bed she will feel better.
Last week my sister came for a night and we had such a great time. Racheal and Sam and I sat around the fire and spoke of many things. Deep things in lfe that many people don't touch on out of fear. We talked about my Mothers past, and the abuse she suffered as well as my Father when they were still children, and my sister shared more about her sexual abuse she suffered from my Uncle when she was a child. She is very open about it so I don't think she would mind me mentioning it. It's so important to share our suffering and recovery from our life experience. That saying |"secrets keep us sick" is so true. Back 20 and 30 years ago, I tried to keep up the illusion that my marriage was the "perfect" marriage and I was the perfect mother. It was always about what it looked like from the outside. It was how we grew up, and it was a learned behaviour I had to change, and my sister had to change, to break the cycle. The truth was I was so busy the first 8 years with having children and running to every event and function keeping up the illusion of the "perfect marriage" I didn't even realize that I wasn't happy until I slowed down a bit, by then I felt trapped by my circumstances, and obligated to "save face" and shut up and smile. It appeared to work for a bit, at least alcohol seemed to make me forget how I felt..for a few minutes. In fact it seemed to be my best friend, but we all know how that goes. It ended up taking everything of value from me. Self respect, self love, ambition, honesty, and all the good stuff that makes one truly happy. So through recovery I have learned to talk about the hard stuff, and that secrets absolutely keep us sick.I also learned that I must give away what I have, in order to keep it. So I gratefully help others who want sobriety to find it. I also learned that there is no "trapped by circumstances". If you don't like your situation, change it, and what is most important about what I've learned is that it doesn't matter AT ALL what it looks like to anyone from the outside. Is it authentic? Do your words and actions line up? Are you honest and extend help to others, and take a good look at yourself every day to see if there is anything you need to learn from or maybe make amends about? One of my biggest pet peeves is the people who act in a way that is not "Christian" from Monday to Saturday and think if they go to church on Sunday, they are upstanding citizens.
One other thing that came up in our girls discussion was that I have issues with trust. That is absolutely true. My interpretation is that most of my life when I let people get close to me, they disappoint me, often betray me, and the pain of that is so emotionally wounding, that leaves me feeling like there is an open raw wound on my soul that has just been ripped open again. Then I feel the need to not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have hurt me, since I assume that since they know I will find out about the betrayal, they must have known that it would cause me sorrow and obviously just didn't care enough in the first place.I know the fact that loyalty and trust is such an important value to me, and others I suppose do not feel the same way. Knowing that logicially and having to walk through the pain are two very different things. Therefore I have surrounded myself somewhat with a protective shell, trusting a few people, but very cautious to let new ones in. I know it's sometimes not about me when people are like that, but it does affect me. So that is just something I am more aware of and need to work on. It's funny, my husband sometimes calls me the ice queen, only because I don't cry easily. At sad movies he's the one crying and me passing the tissues...but as I tell him, just because I don't have my feelings spilling down my face, doesn't mean I don't feel them.

Anyway-March 20, 2011

Anyway

Accept
that some people are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.


Accept
that when you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway

Accept
that when you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway

Accept
that although you are honest and frank, people are going to try and  cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

Accept
That something you spend years building, may be destroyed overnight;
Build anyway

Accept
That when you are serene and happy some people will be jealous;
Be serene and happy anyway

Accept
That much of the good you do today, will be forgotten tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Accept
That as you give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

Because in the final analysis, all this is totally between you and the God of your understanding.
It never is nor was between you and the people places and things of the world anyway.

Supermoon? Enough already!--March 19, 2011

Ok, I like to think I am a pretty optimistic person, but enough already! First things first, it's my lovely husbands 41st birthday today, and my first order of the day was to make him a card and I wrote him a poem. Got him coffee in bed and gave him his gift and card. Doing cake tomorrow with the kids, so that is it for the birthday today.So my mom is in the hospital still, with her COPD and I decided that I was going to clean her place, get rid of all the dust from under the bed and such. My daughter Racheal and I did that today. Took us a few hours, for such a small place,that is quite long for 2 people, but we pulled all the furniture out and all the cushions off the sofa and chairs, it was pretty dirty for a place that gets cleaned once a week. We never know what to get her for her birthday, so that will be her birthday present. So that is fine, did that, then we planned to go to the hall where Racheal is getting married, since there was a wedding there today, we wanted to see how the people set up and finalize the plans for the hall and decorations. Did that. I had Sams car due to the fact my brakes were still being worked on. So, since I could not find the receipt for Sam's laptop I spilled pop inside, and it needed to be serviced, I took it to Future shop. I had to get a receipt looked up a different time and they were able to do it if they had the credit card and date purchased. There was a laptop there that I had hoped to purchase as well. I use a netbook and it doesn't have all the functionality of a laptop, and I am finding it challenging so I saw this deal and thought, YES finally. So after I waited in line for a bit, they re-directed me to customer service, where a young lady who did not seem to fancy the idea of having to dig up a customer receipt, greeted me with a sour face and no eye contact. She said "in a few minutes" and proceeded to do inventory and walk outside to get a cart to put near her inventory. I waited patiently for about 10 minutes and she got to me. She searched and the stores computers were down, not today was the answer. So then she said they wouldn't even hold the computer in the store while they searched for it tomorrow. I would have to drive back down to the south end to go through this again. I couldn't understand why any of this was a problem. Even though it's only 3 months old, I know that warrantly doesn't not cover me spilling pop in it, so I am fully prepared to pay for it to be serviced. However nothing is as easy as it should be. Finally the technical "manager" said that is was no problem to store the computer and ship it out when they found the bill. YES! Go on the hunt for the laptop and of course it's sold out everywhere in the GTA. Onward and upward. Decide I'm going to stop at Value village to see if they have any scrubs for cleaning. I have 1 pair of pants Racheal gave me, and I have to wash them when I've done a house, and it's such a waste to wash 1 pair of pants! So I pull into my spot, lots of room on either side of the car...Sams car. All of a sudden WHACK, a door slams into the drivers door. I couldn't believe it, since there was so much room, I am even surprised that it reached. A 2 door yellow sporty car. I open the door and a girl about 19 or 20, won't make eye contact(look at peopleL) I asked her, did it leave any marks?She says, there is a bit there. So I looked at it, and a yellow smudge and I didn't really see any dent. I was very surprised since it was such a WHACK. ARE YOUR KIDDING ME SUPER MOON? She doesn't say "sorry"..and sure didn't seem sorry. I said "It doesn't look too bad, I think it can be polished out, it's my daughters car, and her dad has a collison centre, so I'm sure it can be buffed out, but I should probably get your name and number just in case". She mutters, "well I have to wait for HER to get out". Some older woman they had put in the back of the car (young guy looking pissed driving), so I said," of course, I didn't see her with the dark windows". Then she doesn't have a pen, then she doesn't have any paper. Never does show any remorse or apologize. I know it's my "expectations", but I am sorry, I do expect people to attempt to be courteous to each other. I never lost my temper with her, and before she gave me her number I thought, she's probably young and now worried about what she has done, so I reassured her again, that she should not worry, I'm sure it's nothing.
So I took down the info and licence plate number and moved on. I did find 2 sets of scrubs for next to nothing and they washed up just fine. Came home and planned on cleaning my place finally, and it's about 5 by then. I had a message from mom from earlier saying that there was a bed in a neighbouring town,that had a bed available but she wanted to talk to me first. To call her. She doesn't have a phone, so I called the nurses station and she was talking to my brother who lives 4 hours away, so by the time I talked with her she had decided she was going to Bowmanville to get a regular bed(with a T.V. I suspect) However since I'm the only one close enough to drop and see her without a special visit of several hours driving, it sure makes it more challenging for me. I am completely stretched to the limit as it is now, so I just don't see how I'm going to do that one. Instead of a 10-15 minute drive, it's about 30 minutes. She had left me a message about bringing her curling iron and butane refills to her, and I told her that I would bring them Sunday, however between Christians hockey game and the kids coming for cake at 1:00, I just don't see how I'm going to swing it. So I told her I would likely not be over until they release her, since she's coming home in a few days, and I'm going to Toronto Monday. So I arranged for Racheal to take the curling iron since she lives in the same town as the new hospital. So I decided I was attacking this dirt and grime, and low and behold, Racheal ended up with my cleaning caddy, with all of my stuff, and the end of vacumn I needed. Then Sam's not feeling well, and was upset over all the things going wrong this week. I could feel the tears welling up today, started feeling a bit sorry for myself. It feels like so much this week has cropped up, and I know things could be worse for sure, but I am just ready for things to start falling into place with a little more ease. Will put his arms around me and I said " I'm a pretty optimistic person, but enough already". It's good to have someone who cares so much. I went and picked up my cleaning supplies from Racheals car, came home and cleaned, then did homework for about 2 or 3 hours. So it started out good, got a bit rocky in the middle and then ended pretty well. Guess I just need to remember that I have everything I really need, and be grateful. Tomorrow is another day! My quote for today is "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”  So I have my health, my family, a roof over my head, food in the pantry, brakes on my car now. With my head full of brains and my shoes full of feet, I'm too smart to go down any-not-so- good street.NIGHTY NIGHT!

Grateful to be healthy-March 18 2011

It has been a whirlwind week for sure. Busy with cleaning this week, all went well. Did lots of work for my lab and study notes. While we were in class yesterday, I was sitting beside my daughter and I reached for something and did not notice that she had an open bottle of pop sitting right beside me(and her computer) and yikes...the computer went for a swim! Funny the reactions. Me? I said "Samantha" and ripped my shirt off(yes I had a T shirt on underneath) and started mopping up the wet(it was only a bit of pop, as I grabbed it quickly, but even a "liitle" is too much). Her friend Anne on the other side of her jumped up to get some napkins, and Sam just sat there and stared at the computer. So her mouse stopped working, and she left it for a few hours, and a few more...we came home and were able to save her work to hotmail, and Will took it apart and lost a piece he needed and now it won't work at all. So he's got to back it up and I'll take it to Future Shop where I bought it(for Christmas for her) to get it fixed up. I have had some car troubles lately, my brake light, my seat belt light, engine light are on all the time, my ABS and washer fluid light go on and off, so clearly I have issues. So Will finally got some time to work on my car, as I had the parts already bought. At the end of yesterday he pronouced it unsafe to drive. It needs more brake parts and work, to the tune of another few hundred dollars I'm sure. So then yesterday I went to see Mom and watch American Idol with her, and she was pretty wheezy and chest rattling when she breaths. So we talked about her going to the doctor some, but I was not about to tell her what to do. I feel it's her responsibilty to tell me what she needs, so after the vote off ,she told me to call 911!  She has COPD and has had trouble for years. I know that she is fearful of dying. "A man who lives fully, is prepared to die at any time" Mark Twain. I do not believe my Mom has lived fully. She is not prepared to do the deep work it takes to be honest with herself and anyone else. Yes is is uncomfortable, painful to walk through your past, especially when it has been littered with any kind of abuse or trauma, and sadness. However if one can take that walk, the rewards are a life that is happy joyous and free. I do not want to die tomorrow. I know it would be very hard on my children, husband and family, but I know in death there is only something more and I will be fine, but the ones I leave behind will be left in sorrow. However I am not really scared to die, maybe that is weird, but that is how I feel. I don't think it's pending, as I believe I have much work to yet do here, but if it did I would be ok with it. Anyhow, I went to see Mom today, I thought I was way ahead of the game, and was quickly packing up everything I thought she might need if she stayed, as the sirens grew closer and then the lights, I'm running out to show her her toiletry bag and ask her to take out what she needs. Getting anything I know that I'll be coming back to get, I left her to go in the ambulance, and stayed back to pack the back. I had everything I thoughts she could possibly want. So I left her there last night, once I knew she was stable and staying. I had to work today cleaning and needed to get some rest, then found out later today she was to stay in the hospital for a few days. There is a message on machine to bring her some items that of course I'd packed, but also her walker, stayfree pads and kleenex box. So I parked across the baseball field, maybe almost a km away and wheeled the walker!No heart failure or attacks this time, no pneumonia, just a flare up of her COPD that would need some IV steriods and rest. I stayed for a couple of hours to visit with her, but I hadn't been home other than a bit to wash up after work, so I needed to make the long trek back to my car before it got dark. I will not be able to get back to the hospital tomorrow.I am going to get my 2 girls to go over to her apartment and give it a good dust and vacumn with the Dyson. She's never had under her bed or couch done, and do a good dust. She was talking about hiring Racheal, but The 3 of us can do it in about 20-30 minutes. Our birthday gift to her! We'll be careful to use non-scented, green cleaners so it doesn't set her off. Going to look a the wedding hall while there is a wedding set up there, and it's Will's 41st birthday. Have to get a cake and celebrate my hunny. I have to clean my house and work on that lab too. Due next week. Anyhow...hi ho it's off to bed I go