And so on....February 22, 2016

Lots of things on the go lately. Working many hours at both jobs. Painting Art, Writing, and still trying to figure my life out. Did a road trip on Sunday to an A.A. group in Toronto to carry the message. As much as I am never "thrilled" to speak in front of a group, I feel it's important to give back what I was so freely given. My friend Gail and some other group members were there plus my dear friend Richard and his partner Travis. Gail and I are joined at the heart and I have such respect and love for her.
Also, I have such a cool connection with Richard that can only be explained as a soul family member. I feel like I know him deeply and I feel love that can only be explained by knowing him in another lifetime...at least that is how I feel it. He and Travis travel so much for A.A. and their excitement is contagious so I'm going to look at doing more of it.
Last night we wrapped up our last class for spiritual living for life II. It was such a powerful experience and I am finding that many things are just natural for me now. We were directed to create a vision board of how we see our "essence" and I painted what I "felt". Underneath the light and colourful paint is actually lots of black and dark. I embrace the dark now, and know that it's where I find the magic and it's where I discover more about my soul purpose. If we are too comfortable in our life, we are not growing. Based on this, I feel like I must be growing in leaps and bounds. This picture is of my beautiful friends in this class and our vision boards.

Family Day-February 15, 2016

Today is a relatively new statutory holiday in Canada. It is Family Day and I am so blessed to have an amazing family that I am related to in blood and spirit.
I have such abundance in my life. True friendship and co-workers that are also dear friends. My family has expanded beyond blood relations and I realize how interconnected we all our.
My life partner and I have been together nearly 18 years and we've had wonderful and not so wonderful times. Lately we've been in a weird place but, we are doing some intense work on our own healing and as a couple. I have come to know that I will never be satisfied with ordinary love. I want it all. I deserve it all. Everyone does.  I see so many partners go through their lives together on auto pilot. They have friendship but, not intimacy. They have great passion but, no common ground outside the bedroom. Sometimes they are "comfortable" and don't want to start over. Or, they have so much fear of the unknown they prefer to stay with what they know, even if it's mediocre. They feel safe and in "control". What an illusion. Nothing is under control, we do things to make us feel like it is but, the only thing within our control is ourselves and even that, is questionable.

I want friendship, trust, respect, deep love, intense passion, adventure and intimacy. I want to have a partner who supports my individual dreams and goals and I want to support theirs. And, if they are not the same dreams, that's ok. We are individuals. I want to be able to talk about anything and have the uncomfortable discussions because we know it's safe to do so. I do not want any games in my relationships, I want real...even when it's ugly. I would rather have to endure some ugly in order to get it all or I would rather be on my own, it have come to love my own company.
I cannot do anything halfway or not authentically. So, it's a crossroads of working through some long standing issues to see if we can cross over to having it all. It takes work, commitment and patience. It takes people giving 100% every day not 50-50 when they feel like it. It's not easy to change how you have been doing something, even if it's unhealthy. It's not easy to get out of your ego and admit and own your part in problems. The program of recovery has helped me so much with being open minded and this has allowed me to have moments of insight regularly. I know that I will never stop learning and growing. Just when I think I have it figured out, something comes at me that shakes my world up and I believe it's necessary to have it shaken up to continue to grow and become who I was created to be.
I know it's not realistic to "have it all" every moment of every day but, I believe it is attainable to have it "all" most of the time, even when that includes some "ugly" and I will never, ever settle for mediocre.

Knowing -February 13, 2016

Today I felt compelled to write a poem and I spent about 30 minutes with this.
I am feeling heightened creativity in this period of my life. I am listening to what I need now.

Knowing

The journey of each soul

Seeking truth

Longing for understanding

Human connection

So imperfect in human love

Yet, memory of unconditional love

Haunts me

I search for meaning

Trying to fill the void that exists

Deep within

Pouring myself with pain

To escape the lonely human experience

Even for a moment

To feel the peace I long for

In anguish I cry out

It is always there yet,

I question

My purpose in this life

Unconditional love

Divine Love

Every wound healed

My soul rejoices with a

Knowing

If I let that divine love enter my wounds

It will fill the void

I will feel the peace

Healing my heart

Connecting me to everything and everyone

Releasing deep rooted negative energy-February 8, 2016

Had a great day at work today. Went to Olivias spiritual living for life class tonight. We talked about deep seated negative energy being in the body and how the same lessons continue to show up in our lives, disguised as the same lesson. We first meditated and connected with breath, then we connected with Creator and were directed to feel the pain of whatever we think it is we keep having issues with. As I thought about my past traumas and recent upset that common thread appeared to be losing any control and being vulnerable. Once I went into the meditation, it became apparent that my issue was feelings of being not good enough. We went into a deep meditation and connected with the divine universal energy and moved it through the chakras and removed much of the negative energy, with the help of Creator and infused lots of positive love. Through childhood issues, always the feeling of not measuring up, not being "good enough". Through my job loss, I know know the anxiety that came up was I thought I was not good enough and again....I know that I am good enough, and I always have been perfect in my creation.

It was described as the deep seated issue like a wart that has roots. You may appear to have gotten rid of it but, if you don't work through the process of removing every one of those lingering roots, part of it remains and can...and will resurface. It was very healing to work through and I am only just beginning.

Never stop growing-February 7, 2016

It has been an extremely challenging month. There are points in ones life that bring moments of clarity both pleasant and unpleasant. This is my life. With this awareness I have needed to really take an honest look at many areas of my life. You know how it goes, you're just going about life and something happens and it becomes clear that nothing is what you thought it was and some things I thought were working "ok" are an illusion and the glass house shatters. It's painful to work through these feelings and I am sitting in it, not avoiding it and not looking the other way. Staring it down.

Not for the faint of heart.

Initially with this realization I felt like someone died and reflecting over the past three weeks, something did die and although it's not a person, it's significant and painful to navigate through. There have been many losses over the past few years and some days that felt they were impossible to get through but, I always have and know that this is no exception. I know it's  important to grieve things when they come up. Now or later, it will continue to present itself if not dealt with and I am not prepared to drag out my suffering.

At least now I do not always feel this "death" like feeling although tonight it has crept back in. It's a heavy darkness and anxiety mixed with loss and a sprinkling of fear. However, for all the perceived negative, I have had some joyful moments coming back when I'm with my friends and safe in the fellowship. I felt more like myself last night at a meeting then I maybe ever have and that alone gives me a small thought of excitement at growth and moving forward.

It's kind of like giving birth. The pains come in waves and sometimes an easy contraction is followed by one that seems unbearable. At the end of the pain something beautiful emerges. A gift from the divine emerges and the love that arrives with this gift fills me to the core of my soul and I am changed forever. I know that the love comes from the divine and that is where all love comes from.

I know I need to spend time in solitude and crowds overwhelm me right now, so I am honouring what I need and accept that I cannot change anyone else, only me. This is my journey and I need to do the work. I have always been brave in the face of adversity and I have had my share and each time it has brought me to where I need to be. I trust that if I continue to do the next right thing, the right things will come into my life and things that no longer serve my higher purpose will be removed. Change is never easy, even good change can make me feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as change is, nothing is worse then being stuck where you don't fit.
I move forward with optimism, even though some darkness seeps in. I just ask to light to be directed into the wound where the darkness lingers.