One foot in this side and one foot on the other: April 30 2013

My mother made the trip to the palliative care unit today. Such a long month April 2013 has been. I am starting to feel the loss acutely now. Instead of travelling to stay with her and having our nightly visits she is going to die. She is tired, ready and relieved to be in her final place and not worry about where she has to go next. She is very tired and very peaceful right now. The palliative care team seems to be very respectful and caring, I feel as positive as possible in this moment. Mom has been settling her life in her own mind over the past month. She went through her clothes when my sister was here, and had fun participating in it. She loves to see us come in to visit her in her own clothes. It was important to her to settle her jewelry as well. Her hands became so swollen last night the staff took her rings off and called to inform us that it was at security and she was unable to wear them or they would have to be cut off. She expressed wishes to distribute the rings now instead of waiting. She seemed tired so I asked her if she wanted to still do it today or not, and it seemed important to her. She said "lets do it right now" I got the feeling she was worried that if something happened she may die and not be able to do this. So my eldest daughter videotaped it and she carefully selected who she wanted to have which piece. It was another moment in time I treasure. I hope that my sister will get the same moment later this week. She kept talking about a pinkie ring all week for our sister in law, she presented a ring for each of her two grandaughters and myself and my sister. The only great grandchild to get a ring was dear Laurel. Derek's daughter and that is such a special tribute for both Derek and Laurel. She is a love. Also, my husband Will got the only ring for a man. I know she is grateful for all he has done to keep my home running smoothly so I can be available to do what I need to do for Mom-she gets that and wanted to leave something for him to understand it. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through all of this without his support.
She has started talking while she dozes and my daughter and I started to document it. She said " I was married when I was 18" "She said you get to a point where you can't come back" ""She looked about 35" Then she glanced over at us and said "the end is near" and went back to "sleep". Her brother and sister came to see her today and were talking about a book a palliative care doctor wrote about people at the end of life talking to the other side. This is certainly what if feels like. I was talking to my daughter about my surprise that I did not feel my Fathers presence around me since my Mother has been seeing him. As we are talking about this I had this intense vision of my father reaching out and taking my mothers hand and lifting her up, while her body is still there in the bed. It was so intense I could not speak and burst into tears. I did not get a sense of when this was going to happen but I got a sense of what was going to happen. It was both unsettling and comforting, I was expecting to understand it in a way that it was with my fathers death when in fact its just like birth. No two are alike.
Yesterday when my youngest daughter Sam was leaving for the day she kissed my Moms cheek and left a lip print on her right cheek, Mom chuckled and said "she meant to do that" and so I went around and put one on her left cheek and said "there, evened you out". She laughted and asked me to take a picture. It's these moments that I treasure so much and want to hold onto forever. My sister will fly in for the last time to see Mom on Thursday night. I am going to get a good sleep tonight, it may be a long week ahead.

Mom April 29 2013 Lipstick Marks

Mom April 29 2013 Kisses on both cheeks-Happy Mom

This side and the other side-April 28 2013

Today my Mother has gone back to the hospital today. She has told me she is going to die. She has had so much fear around death up until now. Last night she told me she has been seeing my father lately. Mostly in her bed with his hands behind his head. When she looks right at him, he disappears. He is a younger version possibly in her 30's. At the time I asked her what he was there for and she said she did not know. Friday night she was getting worse looking and she said she called out for me four times in the night, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, which is weird since my Dad was the only one who called me by my formal name and I didn't hear her. I had my sleephones in so I likely would not have. However at 7:00 Saturday morning she called Sandra and I heard her and came running thinking she was on her deathbed calling me like that. So I went over to her in her chair and said "what's wrong"? She said "can you put that pink croc in the door"? I was a bit confused. I said, "you woke me up to ask me to put the pink croc in the door, which keeps the door from slamming and waking me up". She said " yes I guess I am". I had to laugh at that one, then put the pink croc in the door. She was struggling over the past few days. Her breathing and exhaustion increasingly difficult. I took her out for a walk in the wheelchair through the property. It was a beautiful day and we listened to the birds and looked at the rose bush I had given her a few years ago. We talked with some people but, she tried her best to enjoy herself but, it took all of her effort to even do that. She was a bit wobbly and I caught her a few times when she appeared to lose her balance. So, she was going to call for me if she needed to get up at night to go to the washroom. She moans and yells in her sleep so I kept waking up thinking she was calling me when in fact she was sleeping soundly when I went out. At 6:30am I heard her again and she was starting to sit up in bed. I went over to her and she said "I think I might need to go to the hospital". So I suggested we get her to the washroom and come sit down and talk about what is going on. It took some effort for her to do this and I gave her 3 puffers and she was able to talk. She decided in the end she wanted to go to the hospital so we called the managment and they called the paramedics and off she went. Her oxygen saturation was in the mid 70's. So, the paramedic mentioned the home oxygen sometimes is not as effective especially when the tubing is long. They put her on theirs and her sats. came up.
When I went to the hospital she told motioned for me to come in close, she had something to tell me. She told me about some important numbers I would need for after she dies. She was a bit teary and I asked her if she was planning on going somewhere? She nodded and indicated she was not going to make it out this time. She said she was tired and ready to die. She told me that she wanted my sister and I to divide her jewelry and she pointed to one ring that she said I should have, which looked the same as the other one on top of it to me but, it seemed important to her. She asked me to pay the telephone bill. I asked her if Dad was around because he was coming to get her, and she said "yes". I told her I would never be ready to say good-bye to her but I understood that she was tired and it was ok to go if she needed to. I put my head down on the rail and she saw a tear slide down my face and she wiped it and rubbed my head and gently told me "don't cry dear, I'm choosing this". I said "I know, it still is hard, and hard to see loved ones suffer". She understood and we just held hands for a bit. The doctor came in and talked with her about the Do Not Attempt to Resusitate order and she confirmed that was what she wanted. With the doctor, I shared Mom's fear about dying like my Dad did. He had lung cancer and died conscious and unable to breath. I asked if this was an appropriate time to talk with palliative care about end of life choices/care and the doctor said it was a great idea and she would refer and should have a consultation tomorrow. My daughter Racheal came in earlier in the evening and Mom looked at her face with such love and told her she loved her. It was like she was studying ever inch of her face. Remarked about her "kissy lips" and we had a laugh. I decided to leave after spending about 8 hours there and Mom said she would be in a private room like Dad was. I asked her about private coverage and she said she would be in a private room, that what they did. She did not want an "audience" which confused me a bit. Racheal checked with her after I left and Mom said she was not confused and she understood the hospital may not think she's dying but she thinks she's dying.
I asked her what sign she would give me to indicate it was her in the afterlife. She said to look for a hawk, then she said "look for two hawks, then you'll know that Dad and I are together again" I said "you must miss him alot" She said she did. I said "he's been waiting for you for a long time" She said " he has been waiting a long time" The selfish part of me hopes she can hang on longer, I want more time, the compassionate side knows that she is suffering and I pray for her release. It is not in my control so what is meant to be will come to be.

End of a full week: Sunday April 21 2013

It has been a jam packed week. I started the week off at my mothers last Monday morning and it has been non stop since then. She was looking very good and seemed to be in good spirits. My sister flew in from B.C. and arrived at Moms around midnight that night; for a few nights. Tuesday we started with the clean out. We packed up about a dozen bags of clothes and other things that Mom had in her place and needed to weed out as she began to downsize in preparation to go to long term care. She loved the whole process and had a great time watching us sort through all of her clothes and costume jewelry. My 21 year old daughter came over and we had lots of laughs. I took the bags home and all of the girls went through everything and I packed the remaining 7 or so bags up and took them to a shelter for donation on Wednesday. After that, I met up with my brother and sister to tour one of the long term care places. It was not what we were looking for but gave us some idea of what we were looking at and for. That night I had my 15 year sobriety medallion. I had not expected my Mom to attend but, she surprised me and was there when I arrived. I know how much it took for her to do that so I was very appreciative and felt her support and love. It was quite amazing to have all of my children even my daughter who had surgery that morning, my son in law, 2 of my grandchildren, my brother and sister and my mother there in the front rows. I was overwhelmed with the support of the people who attended and had not expected the amount of people that showed up. It was intimidating when I got up to the front at the end and saw the amount of people that were there. I am not comfortable being in the limelight at all, this was no exception but I  absolutely felt the love and care from others that night however, I am happy to have it done.
I dropped by Moms on the way home and the next morning on Thursday, my sister left to see her son and grandchild in Kingston and my brother and I toured a few homes. It was a tiring day and I was glad to be done with it. I suppose it was more tiring because I was still being "Mom" at home and keeping up most of my usual duties in addition, and it was emotionally draining as well. Friday came and that was my Moms 77th birthday. I made a cake for Mom and I had to work the car dealership that night so went over around 9. She was exhausted from her busy week and an outing that night to the food court and pub night downstairs. She looked really off to me when I saw her that night. We talked about her living situation and made some decisions and off I went. Saturday morning we took her to view one last place to utilize in the interim of waiting and I got called into work a 3-11:30 shift. At this shift I met up with two staff that became instant friends and I connected with one on a soul level that I know will be a unique relationship. Worked another one today and I'm getting ready to head back to her place for the night.
Everything is as it should be and I am grateful to be where I am right now.

Mom: April 20, 2013. notice the pink crocs which are the only shoes that I could get on her swollen feet

Saturday April 6, 2013

Well, Mom is back in the hospital as of yesterday. I had stayed the night and had to work for the shelter from 9-4 so I left her place to come home and get ready at 7:15. I asked her how she was and she said good, she said she had a good sleep. However, by 8:00 the retirement home called and said they had called the ambulance. She had some breathing difficulties and started shaking and didn't want her food. I think she just had an anxiety attack possibly with a bit too much carbon dioxide build up in her blood that caused some frightening symptoms. She was admitted for about 10 days. I'm pretty tired today but, the good news is that I don't have anything I have to do tonight. I feel a bit alone and not supported in all of this right now and that is not a good place for me to be. It is difficult to see through all of this to the other side right now and I have faith that I will make good decisions.