December 31, 2013-Last day of the year

Wow! I cannot believe New Years Eve is here...again. Last year I had just finished school, my Mom was not well and our family spent New Years Eve with my Mom at her place. The year my Mom is gone and I've just gotten my third job, I'm loving my life, miss my Mom but grateful for all things in my life. I'm not finding as much time to write since my life is full and busy. It comes in waves and I go with it. Christmas was busy and wonderful and exhausting. I worked at mens shelter 3-11 and crawled into bed that night.

Boxing day was a skate party by my sister in law from my first marriage Cindy. It's a wonderful tradition and I am grateful to still be a part of the family. They hold a big part of my heart.

Now a New Year is upon us. I will celebrate the crossing of 2013 into 2014 working at the mens' shelter and that is a good thing. The world is my family and I am grateful to be part of it.


I am saying good-bye to year 2013 with a grateful heart. I am grateful for all the lessons I've been able to receive, for all the experiences I've been exposed to and for all the authentic people I have in my life! I have had to say good-bye to loved ones for a little while, a long while and a lifetime.
There have been moments in this year that have made me laugh hysterically, feel unconditional love and cry from both joy and sorrow-often at the same time. There were times I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and always I was presented with what I needed in that moment. 
I am filled with gratitude for the unconditional love that surrounds me. So humbled by my family and friends who are always there for me. 
I have the love and support from my life partner-no matter what I need. 
Never has there been a year with such high highs and such low lows and some of those happening simultaneously. Despite some very overwhelming situations or challenges - I always have faith that everything happens as it is supposed to and even if I cannot understand-the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

I have made some beautiful new friends, deepened other relationships and I look forward to spending more time doing the same. I continue to be in awe of my family who stood by my side not only this year but also, every year. My heart is full with gratitude. Thank you family and friends for giving yourself a gift of time and unconditional love. 

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me and holding me in your light. 
When the clock strikes midnight tonight, I will close the door for old and open space for all the gifts and lessons 2014 brings
I hope this year will bring you unconditional love, laughter, friendship, peace, acceptance and extreme self-love and that you will know every is unfolding exactly as it needs to, even when it is deeply uncomfortable. You are not the same person you were a year ago and you will not be the same person 365 days from now. I cannot wait to live it all—One Day At A Time. 
Happy New Year!

Season is Upon Us-November 26, 2013

I simply cannot believe that we are near the end of November already. I have my Christmas decorations up and Christmas is at the doorstep. Our first snow of the year is going on tonight and it's nice to be inside with my candles glowing while I am warm and happy. My work is going well, and I continue to enjoy it very much.
I am in the midst of redecorating my bedroom. Purple and silver is word for my new bedroom.

Next week my sister comes in from B.C. and it will be the first time I have seen her in person since her breast cancer diagnosis. She continues to heal and thrive. We have a road trip planned to my brothers house and I'm sure that it will be filled with laughs. After my sister leaves, Christmas will nearly be here. In February my brother and sister and I have a trip to Florida planned to go see my cousin. I am thinking a trip down south with my husband might be a good plan. It has been 5 years since we have been away and we have never been away without the children. I think it's time.

My Mother has been on my mind more often recently. Maybe because this was about the time her decline really started last year. I keep having a picture of her kissing me on the lips replayed. She only did that in the last month or so before her death. Also the last day of her life has been on my mind and my thoughts drift to how one prepares to accept that their life on earth is nearly done. I think I would want to make sure that I did not leave without making sure that my loved ones knew how I felt, clear regrets and leave behind instructions for things that I might miss but, that's me and having not been in that position how, can I truly understand what one goes through.
All I know is I miss my Mom lots right now and haven't felt her around lately. Change is the only thing that is constant. I'm ok with that. My life is filled with wonderful memories and true joy.

Navigating nights-November 12, 2013

I am going into my 5th shift working and 4th night shift in a row and have 1 left after this, a day off which will be my recovery day and then into three more evening shifts. If it were not for missing most of the waking hours it wouldn't be so bad. I've been sleeping from about 10am till about 5:30pm which is pretty decent sleep but, not much time to do anything before I have to get ready for the next shift. By the time I have my coffee and catch up with everyone and everything, eat something, shower it's 9:00pm and I have about 90 minutes before I have to leave. Tonight less time since I have to stop and get some protein bars. I am loving it though. Have been at womens shelter for few days and have felt that I've really been able to provide some meaningful counselling session through the night with women. At the mens shelter for next two nights so looking forward to the change. My sister will be here in three weeks and so excited to see her. I'm going to get my bedroom painted this week-end. Christmas season is looming and I am beginning to look forward to it. I am so very grateful for everything in my life.

The first 50 years-October 27, 2013

Me with my kids and two grandkids.

Today was my 50th birthday. My kids and partner through a fabulous birthday party for me. We skated for an hour and went back to my daughters house for some food and visiting. Saw friends that I haven't seen in a while and some that I see very often. All of my kids and family members that live around here. Everyone there was someone that is so special to me in some way and it meant so much to have them there. Many people that mean something to me were not able to be there because of other commitments, distance or death but, I felt them with me just the same. I feel so grateful to have the life I am living today. I have spent a lifetime building it and beautiful relationships do not just happen by accident. It's a constant investment of time, consistency, trust, love and self sacrifice. It is absolutely a labor of love and I am so grateful for it all. I have a partner who I love and trust, my children are everything I had ever hoped for and best friends of each other. This make me feel that despite some of the times I felt like I could not do anything right while I was raising them, I must have done something right since they are all such wonderful and nurturing people. People will often comment, "you are so lucky your children are so close to each other" or " you are so lucky to have such a close family" and I have to say that it doesn't happen by luck. Many people are not willing to put the front end work in that it takes so, they can enjoy the back end results. I always had an idea of how I wanted to raise my family and I always did what I thought was best for my family, despite the people who might say I do too much for them, to cut the apron strings and other things that suggested they did not think my way was the best way. I am so glad I never listened to them or succumbed to parental peer pressure. In case it's not clear, I am so proud of my family and I have such deep love and respect for them as individuals.
My friends are a source of strength and joy for me, and I for them. My work although not perfect, especially the shifting hours of three shifts. However it is work I love and feel like it's meaningful and contributes to help ease human suffering and contributes to the human spirit in some way.  That is more important to me then convenience. My brother and sister are not in the same area but, we have a close intimate connection that happens when one goes through tragedy and sorrow together and are able to come out the other side intact and supportive. All we have is today and I can say that without a doubt. Today, life is the best it's ever been, I'm 50 and fabulous!

Me and Tyler

Me and Justin

Top of Cake with Two Hawks

Just Life Now...Sweet Life October 20, 2013

Well, I have finished yet another week-end of work. Not so bad. 30 hours and not overnight. Felt very tired tonight though. Still really enjoying my work. The theme of the night seemed to be those struggling with drug issues. Also some older actually elderly people coming in with alcohol problems. Very sad to see an old person at this point in their life unable to stay in their house due to their addiction. However, young people are not discouraged when they see this. All I can do is what I can do with them and meet them where they are.

My scare with my mammogram has past for now. They redid it and just say they want to keep an eye on it. They think it is just fatty tissue but to recheck in 6 months. My sister is recovering and moving along nicely but, it is not easy for her and I wish I could move it along faster for her but, it is what it is. My 50th birthday is looming. 1 week from today. In reflecting I actually feel that I am very happy with where I am in my life for 50. I have my family mostly raised and I could not be prouder of my children and grandchildren. I am in a happy and fulfilling relationship with my partner, I am doing work I love, still have money owing on my house but, after last few years and struggling to keep up with the accelerated  rate I had, I dialed it back and it's lower now and I'll put more on it. Next move will be a downsize and no payment. If I had been able to continue with the accelerated rate I would have had my house paid off in 7 more years. Oh well, I have come to realize it's important to have enough to be comfortable but, that doesn't make me happy. It's the people and what I do in my life that makes it meaningful.
So, for my big 50th the kids and my husband are renting some ice for a skate party and then back to my daughters house for a pot luck. I love building community and it's exactly me. I also am asking that people bring $5.00 gift cards for Tim's or Dollarama for the men at a local shelter instead of a gift for me. I have no room or need for anything. It's the people that make the party but, if we can collect enough to hand out to all the men and maybe women at the shelters I work at, I would love to have something to give the homeless at Christmas. Have the next 2 days off and feel the need to rest. Gratitude fills my soul.

What The Hell?-October 8, 2013

Sista Friends September 2013

Well it has been the best of times and it has been the worst of times. Recently I started my fall coming off on a high. Went out to see my beautiful sister that has made her home in Castlegar B.C. up on a mountain top. We both were very emotional at both my arrival and my departure. Now I know we must have sensed things would change soon.

What a week we had. Trip to the States Got our toes done and local sight seeing, shopping, drives, walks on the beach, checking out the local flavour and meeting the lovely people that are now her and her husband Michaels community and network. We shared lots of laughs and it was just a wonderful and relaxing time together. She is such a strong and courageous woman. I have such admiration for her.
 Some of the guys who worked on her house were in town and I met them. One of them always used the expression "what the hell" about most things, so that became our trademark expression. I even got a beautiful tattoo that has a special meaning to me.

Me with the Artist Ojas Cats

A lotus flower, which is a beautiful rare flower that literally grows out of the mirth. Symbolism of “through what appears to be a mess and disgusting, something beautiful can emerge.” I incorporated purple, pink, red and white into it, although at first glance it kind of looks pink.

The color bears importance in the meaning of the lotus flower in Buddhism. A white lotus flower refers to purity of the mind and the spirit. If a lotus flower is red, it refers to compassion and love. . The pink lotus flower represents the history of Buddha and the historical legends of the Buddha. A purple lotus flower speaks of spirituality and mysticism.

Coming up from the lotus are some swirls and from them two hawks flying that sympolize my parents re-united in the afterlife.

I also have the Sowelu symbol incorporated into it so tiny in the stem of the lotus flower. Linda has renamed her new place Sowelu and I liked it and wanted to incorporate it as as well.

Sowelu is finding wholeness and completeness within whom we are and how we interact with others.Sowelu is achievement.  Sowelu is celebration.  Sowelu means having
what we need when we need it – even if we can’t see the truth of that in the current moment.

Sowelu – the Sun, wholeness, completeness, personal life force,the growing energy of the sun.Element:  Sowelu calls us to the higher parts of our existence, to reach for the
sun (it is the closest star, after all), and expand our life force for a new path
soon to be chosen.

Finally, the top of the tattoo has some rays of purple which for me symbolized the crown chakra which is connected to enlightenment. 

It is the most beautiful home I have seen and I love the open structure and the unique touches and the wraparound deck with mountain views.

Linda and Mike with the Girls Lily, Georgia and Rosie

All too soon it was time to come home and I was beginning to miss my family as well.

My work has been busy and I enjoy it very much. It is fulfilling in a way that other jobs have not been. The teams I work with are such a sisterhood, especially at the womens shelter.

Last Friday everything has changed. My beautiful sister phoned and told me that she had breast cancer. In that moment I felt the bottom drop out. It was like the air had been sucked out of the room. Being so far away from her is so difficult right now but, it is what it is. The emotions are up and down and at times my heart is breaking for her having to deal with this. Feeling like I was in shock so, I cannot imagine what she was going through. It must be overwhelming and totally surreal.  She has been told it is aggressive and I pray that it was caught early. In 3 days she has surgery to remove her breast and I hope that the cancer goes with it.

I cannot imagine my life without her and she has way too much left to do here so, I know that she will get through this detour in her life and come through it like the warrior she is. We have trips to take, laughs to share, coffee to drink and treats to eat, family to visit so hopefully she gets through this as smoothly as possible, I hope for her sake. And, if it's bumpier I will do whatever I can to respect her choices and support her in whatever way she needs.

I saw hawks today and did a sage smudge and sent protection to watch over her, I have sent her strength, comfort and love up through the smoke and into the winds. I know they will reach her. As long as my plans and the universe plans line up...it's all good.

The Search is Over, Now it's Exploration Time-September 5, 2013

I decided to change the name of my blog from "Finding my Passion" to "Exploring my Passions". Like everything else I have evolved since I began my journey. In the 31 months since I have found myself shattered I have found more depth and strength then I ever thought possible. Dreams I had dismissed I have recovered and nothing is impossible now. I am now doing what I had only thought a dream many years ago. There has been sadness, stress, loss, frustration, exhaustion, sorrow, lack of privacy, disappointment-lots of disappointment but, there has also been understanding, persistence, learning, mind expanding, shift in paradigm, relationship gifts, new friends, new experiences, new family members, patience, joy, laughter and such I have been given such grace in my life. I have been blessed with a new grandchild in the past 31 months. I am filled with gratitude in this moment.

More Work=More Tired but Happy-September 3 2013

Oh Boy, I was just offered a permanent part time position at the women's shelter. I feel like the hard work is paying off. I've been working some pretty crazy hours at the men's shelter since last Friday.Have one more 8 hour day then a day off before another midnight shift. Feel so tired I feel sick today so I need to have a good night sleep tonight so I can cope with all that is all my plate, all good stuff though.
Got offered the permanent part time position at the women's shelter earlier today and although I am very happy about it, I have to figure some problematic shifts out now. Back to back shifts in different places and getting coverage for a trip out west to see my sister the very day I am suppose to start. I know I will make it all work. I feel extremely grateful and happy.

Start Of The Busy Work Week-August 30-13

Yes, even though it's Friday, it's the start of my week. Have a couple of overnight shifts, into three day shifts, and day off before another overnight next Friday but, that is what I want-lots of work. I am very very grateful. Only two weeks till I fly out to see my sister. It is her 57 birthday on Monday and she is finally nearing the end of a busy time building a new house in B.C. I am in awe of her adventurous spirit. To pick up and try something new and so far away from everyone that she knows is something that many people would never do.Whether it works out or not is irrelevant, it's in the journey that we learn the lessons.  Her health has not been great since she's been there but, hopefully it will settle down by years end.

I have enjoyed the slower pace of the last few days. Been to a few meetings this week. I spoke at a 5 year medallion and one of our members had his 1 year. Such incredible miracles these two people are.

My youngest daughter is going into her last year of University and my youngest son is going into his first year of high school next week. Five years from now my life will look very different. Beginnings are scary and Endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.

New Work and Summers End is Near-August 23, 2013

Summer is starting to come to a close and I look back and wonder where the summer has gone. The past week I have started training for a new job I got. It's with a men's transitional housing agency. We provide service to homeless people for emergency, short term, long term and correctional men-a halfway house. I finished my 3rd of the 4 training shifts and I absolutely love the work. It's fast paced and busy and you have to think on your feet constantly. I feel a real sense of purpose there and that it makes a difference in creating a better world. I also spent a day at Cedar Park with three of my sons and the four grandchildren. It was lots of fun and summer heat was in full force.

Jack 2 and Grammy

I have two days off and will be gearing up for my overnight shift on Sunday and try to follow good sleep patterns so I can recover quickly. I have a few coming up as well so I need to get used to them.
I am due to fly out to my sisters in 3 weeks and I have a couple of speaking requests from people in A.A. One of them is a five year medallion for a lovely woman I have met in the rooms from another group. I try not to think about it ahead of time. I pray that my higher power will work through me to reach someone that needs to hear the message. I believe that if I prepare for my own message then it's ego coming in and the truth is it has nothing to do with me, it's about carrying the message not my message. It helps me keep the pressure off when I think of it that way. I get a bit nervous about the time they do the slogans. I do feel a sense of responsibility to reach the newcomer or someone who is struggling but in the end whatever comes out was what is meant to come out. 

Camping Bliss-and Fellowship August 11-13

I have had an amazing week. From Sunday to Wednesday my husband and I camped on our own. It was such an intimate and freeing few days with him. We did lots of couple stuff including biking, beaching, lots of ice cream eating, sitting around talking, walking and resting. It's been a long time since we have enjoyed each other without distractions and it was just what we needed.

one set of ice cream cones

first night

waiting out a rain storm-nice and dry

 All too soon he had to go back to work but one of my dearest BFF's Gail came up on Wednesday and stayed until Friday. She is a program person for the past 18 months and I am her sponsor. It was a time for her to spend time doing her 4th and 5th step and it was such a meaningful time for us both. Some people you just have that connection with and we have it. I know we will be friends forever. She has made tremendous growth in the past 6 months especially and I'm so proud of her. Really looking at yourself and wading through the wreckage of your past is emotional and takes courage but, the rewards are so great. We ate more ice cream and went on the motorcycle and I got bitten by the bug. I am seriously thinking of selling the trailer and getting a motorcycle.

Motorcycle Mama

When we came back on Friday the A.A. conference started and I was "all in" for that . I was a great three day conference and I left it on a spiritual high. Saw many people I haven't seen in a while. We went to a meeting Monday and 20 year medallion on Tuesday and my own group on Wednesday. I think in 6 days I attended 10 meetings! On Tuesday I went to a job interview and on Wednesday I was offered the job. Life is full of surprises and I'm happy to be on the path I am.

My friend Gail after some intense work. See the glow she has now.

Forward Motion and another Birthday-August 18, 2013

My third child and first daughter Racheal turns 28 today. She was my easiest birth. Woke up with some moderate contractions at 1:00am and had her at 3:17am. No stitches and she was perfect. Pink and round 7lb 9oz. She has added such joy to my life I am in awe of her most of the time.
She is at a place in her life at 28 that took me till the age of 40 to get to and she continues to grow and change. I made a Rainbow chip cake to take over tonight. I went and watched my three oldest boys play two baseball games today. They won the tournament and I just love watching them play-still. Their dad was there as well and it's such a blessing that we can be friends and share the joys of the children even though our marriage did not succeed as parents we do now. Just because people do not make it as a couple does not mean they cannot be friends and have a different kind of relationship. Accepting people as they are is the key to unconditional love.

I have gotten a new job at a Men's Shelter that provides emergency housing, short term and works with those coming out of corrections and on parole. I am so excited to be starting something new. 4 weeks I get to fly out and see my sister in Castlegar B.C. and I am missing her so much and look forward to our time together, although it will be too short and go too fast.

Went to a few yoga classes in the past week and in one of the classes had Mom come to me at the end of class in meditation. She looked about 18 to me and I felt a sense of joy and swirling colours of white, purple and blue and swirling around me like a gentle tornado. She felt light to me and slightly different, but it was over very quickly. I am filled with gratitude. Pictures of cake to follow.

Getting to Nirvana-July 30, 2013

I worked another midnight shift and recovered from it much better. The whole light and dark with circadian rhythms is making sense to me and I'm working with it. I went to yoga last night and had a great class with a great shavasana at the end. At first I was struggling and then I remembered what I needed to do was to think of nothing, quit trying. Within a few minutes I felt Mom come to me and she DID feel lighter like the tea leaf psychic said. She looked younger and lighter. Probably between 40-50 years old and really peaceful. She told me that it was right that she had trouble expressing herself and she did not learn that on her earth journey this time. She is trying to clear herself more quickly right now because she realizes that she needs to come back and work on that. She hopes to be able to come back soon and possibly in my oldest daughters life in her child girl or boy but, I think it will be a girl. Now, my daughter is not pregnant or trying but, that is what I got. Might be a few years still I think but, since my daughter is super expressive she will be the greatest teacher. She was very proud of how much she has cleared already over there and wanted to show me what she learned. She opened my fingers and held my hand and I could feel her doing it. So cool. It felt like I had only been lying there for five minutes and I heard the studio door open and the lights came on. I finished my practice and went into the dressing room and it was empty and I had been in there for 20 minutes. Everyone was gone and they wanted to clean and close the studio for the night. I wonder what it is I need to work on and learn here. Patience keeps coming up for me but, I think it's more. I also think my brother Bryan is back on earth already and I wonder if he is in our family still. I can't get an answer on that one. I'll keep asking. 

July 26, 2013-Tea Leaves, Travel and Life's Path

It has been a roller coaster during the past few weeks. The shift work has really messed with my sleep schedule and I have been awake most nights till the wee hours. 2:30am, 3:00am, 4:30am and 630am. Only sleeping 4 hours or so at night and get up and repeat it again. Been going to hot yoga and continued that, I got some melatonin and B12, began to reduce "screen time" of computers and T.V. till finally I had a few nights of sleep, not in a row at first but, then Tuesday I went to my brothers for a visit in Pembroke and slept, now it has been 3 nights in a row. It was a great visit and all I can say is I felt a pull to go to see him. My Mother whispering in my ear and an instinctive pull so, I followed it. We had a lovely time. My 14 year old son came as well and he was a great traveller and company. It was good for him as well. Family is so important and as we age it's even more important to keep lines of communication open, accept and love each other unconditionally. As long as we maintain a mutual respect of the others view and stay off politics and causes of poverty and marginalized groups, I think we will be good, I love my siblings very much and want to enjoy the time we get with each other.
 Yesterday was a blow with my career plans. A contract position for up to 3 years a M-F, days only collaborative coordinator position that appeared to be a perfect fit for me. I made it through from 150+ applicants to 8 interviews to only 2 of us, me and one other for second interview to find out that I was not selected for the position. It was both disappointing and knocked me off balance once again. I had allowed myself to really believe and hope that I would be selected however, once again my plans and the "grand" plan of the universe were not in sync. I found out yesterday after interviewing for several months and it was crushing disappointment. I did not realize how much I counted on getting it until I didn't. However, life goes on and so must I. I am starting to feel like I am somehow off direction and looking for the wrong thing. My sister and I are talking about doing a trip to an Ashram in Northern India in the next year in addition to a trip to B.C. to visit my sister in the next 2 months. I hope to gain some insight regarding my direction and my destiny.
Last night my oldest daughter and I went to a tea party that had tea leaf/psychic parties and it was quite amazing. Some of what she said:
I would come into some money. The pictures she saw were someone on stilts juggling. My balance is precarious every second and that is how I have felt and if caught off balance always at risk of toppling he said I have been juggling for a long time and my inner strength has served me well and I should trust it and I should celebrate that but I wish is could be used in other things, and I will not always be on stilts and I can probably now come down off the stilts whenever I choose. I take on everybody elses baggage and burdens. I am off my path or want to know what my path is. That I want some direction, a clearer path but being on the stilts can keep me from being on my path. She also saw a butterfly, indicating a period of transition, it's a time to spread my wings and do things that I always wanted to do but did not have time, was not able to and to trust it and I will find my wings, very beautiful, very nice energy, can be scary but will be worth it but something beautiful will emerge from this period. She reflected on the transitions both in the physical world and spiritually and said I feel a restlessness and need to change. I should move with them instead of resisting them. Some of the transitions are being "put upon me" they weren't my choice but if I can move with them, it will be much easier and less of a "headache". Also, she saw a hummingbird indicating truth and trust. Trust, not so easy for me. Trusting myself and my instincts, trusting when not to trust other people. Always want to think the best of other people, and I do not have to be friends with everybody and to trust that. Be around people who I feel really good around. When we can hear and absorb the trust it can set us free. Creative person and she wants to see me with a creative outlet and wants to see me doing energy work or reiki, good psychically as well, good path to pursue. She talked about Mom, she did not get that we were that close. She described her as rough and she did not have an easy life, she is starting to smooth out. She wants me to be in a good place and not follow in her footsteps. She has things that she wants to make up for that she adored me even if it did not always seem that way. She has things she would do differently and would like to make up for one thing is to let me know how much she loved me but did not express it, but also how much she appreciated me being there in the last few years but did not express it. She was not an expressive woman, but she was a woman of the heart but had a hard time expressing it. She is at peace, she is clearing some regrets but is at peace. She is saying something like "don't forget the bacon" what she means is to remember the rich good parts of life- to live the good life, don't always live lean, indulge and treat yourself. Thats her message to me to not follow in her footsteps and live the good life. After that we talked about my communication with Mom and reminded me that she told me to "trust" myself and that I was good psychically. She confirmed that the other side was pretty much all I have experienced, she has "work" to do over there. Clearing regrets, and she would start to feel lighter when she comes to me as she is clearing.

My Brother at the Blueberry Farm

My brother and I relaxing between stops. We do not share physical similarities for sure.

My son and brother at the Military Museum

Committment and Forgiveness: July 10,2013

I have been struggling with my sleeping since my overnight shift on Sunday night-Monday morning. I came home and slept until 2:15pm, felt great, went to a yoga class that night, stayed up until 1:00am thought I would be able to sleep. After all, I reasoned I only got 6 hours instead of 8. I tossed and turned and read, watched T.V. and did not sleep until 6:30am, woke up yesterday at 12:30pm. Last night similar, tossed and turned until 3:30am, woke up and got up at 10:30am. Hopefully I'll do ok with sleep tonight. I got a call back to go for a second interview with the place I interviewed yesterday, next week. My sponsor says "what's meant for you, won't go by you" so this helps me stay in the moment a bit better. I had some news from my sister yesterday and she is upset by it, which is understandable. I find myself feeling overwhelmed with it and find my thoughts racing, so I need to just take a deep breath and know that everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, it's not the end. I think I am just feeling a bit at loose ends and wish she was closer to me in proximity and feel a bit helpless to be supportive.
So, I went to yoga today when I got up and thought I would leave it on the mat. Usually at the start of practice one sets a san culpa or "intention". Today the yoga instructor suggested we bring some level of committment into our san culpa, she said we had made our way to our mats today and that shows a committement to practice. So towards the end of our practice she brought us back to our san culpa. She said " what things have you perhaps committed to the first half of this year that you were not as successful as you wanted to be, and she had us visualize our Root Chakra, with red and letting go of that, forgiving ourselves for it. She reminded the class that when something is meant to happened, you cannot stop it from happening. As I surrendered in childs pose I had the overwhelming feeling that I had taken it upon myself to care for my mother which I felt good about but, as I continued to explore this I had also committed to supporting her through her death and ensure her wishes were carried out. As I continued to delve deeper into this thought I recognized that I had unconsciously had committed to keeping her alive until everyone could be there. After all, we had managed to do this with my Father and it worked out well-time wise. So when she died a few hours before my siblings could get there I absolutely took that as a failure to keep my committment. I still feel the sorrow of that and I went through this on the mat. When I came to my savasana-my final resting pose. I asked for some help from my Mother, she did not disappoint. Let me start by saying she looks much younger then the last time I saw her. Her hair still is in an older style but her face is smooth and younger. She provided the information to me that she needed to go when she did. She again showed me how my father lifted her up and told me that she wanted to go with him for hours before she did but, hung on for us. She got the permission she needed and could not hold on any longer. She showed me how her and my dad and others were with us as I held her on the bed and my family surrounded her. They knew that we had to go through this in our human form and it's part of the journey. She told me it was not my job to keep her here and intellectually I know this of course I don't have that kind of power but, I cannot change how I feel.
She let me know that everything, all the confusing feelings I'm going through are part of my human journey. She held my face in her hands and I told her I needed to "feel" her, of course I want to feel what makes sense to me, but her "touch" is different now so I tried to get out of what I "expected" her touch to feel like and instead felt tingles and static along my face. She told me that I am perfectly imperfect as a human and it's part of the journey to go through theses ups and downs and learn from them. I am here to give and receive love in all kinds of ways. I need to be open to this and stop distracting myself with things that are..well distracting.
I have a work party coming here Friday night and the theme is a Psychic from Toronto is coming in. Can't wait to see what happens.