Well, I am officially a blogger. I'm not sure why, but it feels like it needs to be part of my journey, so I am doing my best to listen to those gentle nudges when they happen. I've had many gentle nudges over the past year, that I ignored and that led to a big shovel over the head. I've been in the corporate world the better part of 15 years. Starting at the bottom and working my way up. It is true that it is lonely at the top. I was in my last position, the highest I could have attained where I was, and lonely it was. I could not be "friends" with anyone due to my position, but I thought I maintained an open door policy, and being the mother of 6, I was sensitve to family challenges employees faced. I really feel I held myself to a standard of integrity, and I think that was a bit naive, as it did not always make me popular with the higher ups. I would speak my mind, respectfully if I didn't agree, and I openly challenged an obvious breach of trust that came out at a large meeting, saying "if I lost my job over it, so be it". My feeling is that I had to look in the mirror at the end of every day, and I had to be comfortable with who was looking back. So when I walked into a "meeting" 4 weeks ago, and found out that this was my last day, no reason provided, I was in shock. I naively still believed that if you did the right thing, with whatever was presented to you, it would be enough. I had never had my performance questioned, but here I was, unemployed suddenly.
I can tell you that the next few days sent me into a tailspin that has changed my life. This same day I was to go to the doctor to see about a problem that I had been having with my left eye. My 25 year old daughter took me and they told me that I may be having a detachment of the retina, and I needed to go straight to the hospital. If that is what it was, and I did nothing, I would lose my vision. Talk about a BAD day! That was the one last straw I suppose that my brain could handle, and I completely broke down. I now know what happened next was a panic attack, and they eventually put a sedative in my mouth and sent me to hospital. They pronouced my retina not detached, and I am still following up with the opthamologist about that, but the next day upon hearing some news about work, I had another panic attack. In the middle of this panic attack, I had a spiritual experience that completely changed my outlook. I felt so overwhelmed and powerless to stop whatever was happening to me. I cried out to God and to my father for help. My father died nearly 12 years ago, and I was with him when he died and the month prior. I have always found birth and death to be profoundly spiritual experiences and I am not fearful to be present for either. Anyhow I saw my father, as though he was standing in front of me. I knew I was awake and I pulled a blanket up over my face and touched my eyes to be sure they were closed because it seemed like I was seeing. He looked younger than he was when he died and he took me into the white light. I felt like I was surrounded by the comfort and love of God. A beautiful warm loving embrace.I feel that I caught a small glimpse of the other side. I felt only love and peace, and physically I could feel my body calming down, my breathing and my racing heart, and tense body relax. He let me know that we all have free will to enter this place as we choose, but he felt my job/time here was not finished. I knew in that moment that everything would be alright. My husband coming across me in this state, was a bit concerned of course, but also respectful and grateful I'm sure that I had seen my father and my mood had gone from complete despair to relief and hopefulness, and dare I say joy! That was Thursday and I had just been fired on Tuesday. What a change a few days make!
It was only a job, and I had linked my identity to that job so strongly, but that wasn't me at all, In fact it had become so much not me, that it took the shovel over the head to get me to follow my true path. My work there was done and I have other work to here on earth while I'm here. That is what I am currently doing, finding my passion.
I can tell you that the next few days sent me into a tailspin that has changed my life. This same day I was to go to the doctor to see about a problem that I had been having with my left eye. My 25 year old daughter took me and they told me that I may be having a detachment of the retina, and I needed to go straight to the hospital. If that is what it was, and I did nothing, I would lose my vision. Talk about a BAD day! That was the one last straw I suppose that my brain could handle, and I completely broke down. I now know what happened next was a panic attack, and they eventually put a sedative in my mouth and sent me to hospital. They pronouced my retina not detached, and I am still following up with the opthamologist about that, but the next day upon hearing some news about work, I had another panic attack. In the middle of this panic attack, I had a spiritual experience that completely changed my outlook. I felt so overwhelmed and powerless to stop whatever was happening to me. I cried out to God and to my father for help. My father died nearly 12 years ago, and I was with him when he died and the month prior. I have always found birth and death to be profoundly spiritual experiences and I am not fearful to be present for either. Anyhow I saw my father, as though he was standing in front of me. I knew I was awake and I pulled a blanket up over my face and touched my eyes to be sure they were closed because it seemed like I was seeing. He looked younger than he was when he died and he took me into the white light. I felt like I was surrounded by the comfort and love of God. A beautiful warm loving embrace.I feel that I caught a small glimpse of the other side. I felt only love and peace, and physically I could feel my body calming down, my breathing and my racing heart, and tense body relax. He let me know that we all have free will to enter this place as we choose, but he felt my job/time here was not finished. I knew in that moment that everything would be alright. My husband coming across me in this state, was a bit concerned of course, but also respectful and grateful I'm sure that I had seen my father and my mood had gone from complete despair to relief and hopefulness, and dare I say joy! That was Thursday and I had just been fired on Tuesday. What a change a few days make!
It was only a job, and I had linked my identity to that job so strongly, but that wasn't me at all, In fact it had become so much not me, that it took the shovel over the head to get me to follow my true path. My work there was done and I have other work to here on earth while I'm here. That is what I am currently doing, finding my passion.
1 comment:
I love how you have had the "God" or spiritual experience with Dad. He has been even more powerful in death than in life, to be sure. Keep moving ahead Sista - the best is yet to come.
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