No internet still-February 26, 2011

I am learning the art of patience. I have never been a patient person, so it's always a struggle. Bell called us last Wednesday and told my husband that our internet plan was not available anymore so we had to switch. So he worked through what we needed and then poof our internet went down in the afternoon and has not come back. He's called every day and been told something different. Apparantly we did NOT have to switch, probably a sales person looking to up their quota, and now we are suppose to have a different modem which is coming Canada Post. So they are saying Monday, but I have my doubts about that. I find this kind of business practice unacceptable, but I have had this experience with Bell more then once.
However I have not had to deal with them personally, so my poor husband is the mainly frustrated one. I have come to the University to use their wireless for a few minutes. I am now selling Avon with my girls as well. So part time student, selling Avon, cleaning houses and career change, and planning trip to India. I feel like I'm piling lots of stuff on. It will all work out. Got some labels printing at a copy place I have to go pick up. It's to put on the back of the books we're handing out. I'm still dealing with occasional bouts of feelings of loss and disappointment over the friends and collegues from work. I think sometimes the longer time goes on, the more I think about it, and wonder why, but I cannot let that consume me. Anyhow, have to run now. Maybe back to blogging by Monday...maybe not.

A lightbulb moment-February23, 2011

Last night I was talking with my girls about how I was talking with my Mom and she seemed to be discouraging me from "finding my passion" and instead finding a job that pays, preferably with a pension.
As I was talking my older daughter Racheal reminded me that if I really wanted to go to school I would find a way. So I thought, she is absolutely right. I started looking at the University web site, and found that with the degree option, I could do an "empasis in applied ethics" which jumped out at me. I am pretty convinced I want to work in some capacity in a not for profit enviroment. If I could land one now that paid decent I would probably take it, but I don't want to go back to 12 months a year 60 hours a week. Contract or seasonal would be best, but unless I'm in sales/service or clerical I don't qualify to do much, but the wheels were spinning and I started thinking I could do a Bachelour of Arts with an minor in Business and emphasis in applied ethics. It just means you have to have a certain amount of specific courses, philosophy courses over the time you get your degree. So I made an appointment to go in and talk with an academic advisor next week to discuss my part time options and if what I am thinking is possible. Also to look at bursarys that are available. You never know if you don't ask right? Who knows, maybe I'll find my dream job in the mean time! Maybe I can combine my kinda dream job with school? Who knows!

Resume building-February 22 2011

Today has been spent working on my resume. I have to say that although I have no "degree" or real educational qualifications. I have tons of achievements, in spite of the "challenges" my former company threw at me on a regular basis. I have worked my way up through the company with my drive and enthusiasm and a postive can do attititude, I really care about whatever job it is I'm doing. Whether it's cleaning toilets or doing a presentation to a big sales account, I really want to be the best at what I'm doing. When you are let go, it is a blow to your self confidence, but when I had to put it all down on paper. I am quite a catch! I knew the business I came from so well, inside out for sure. I lived and breathed it 24/7, so I'm nervous at the thought of jumping into a whole new product/business, but I know sometimes change brings excitement and new perspective to a company as well. So I need to just search for that perfect job and go for it. Not worry about finding only contract due to the fact I'm going to India in the fall. It will all work itself out. I think I have another cleaning job as well. Now I will have 3 regular cleaning customers. Maybe that will turn itself into something! I read my sister's blog today in India. It sounds like she is adjusting to the culture of it, and it sounds pretty different from here. I know she is embracing it the whole experience as a child, as she should. Can't wait to hear all about it, and see the pictures.

Family Day Monday-February 21,2011

Wow I'm pretty stoked. I got an 85% on my mid term. It gives me hope that my brain can learn in a new way. It's been a low key Family Day. A bit of reading, watching T.V. and playing some Monopoly. Had my 2nd child in earlier Justin(27) and then the fourth in line Tyler(22) came in a few hours later. I had a feeling Tyler had something on his mind, but he's such a quiet soul. He's a deep thinker, and I find that I have the hardest time communicating with him since he doesn't say much. He was such and independent little boy. Walked at 9 months always running to keep up with the big kids .Didn't complain or whine too much, and when there was so many of them back then, if you were quiet, you didn't get the attention so much. Not fair at all, but it is what it is. I don't think he's overly happy with his life, but he feels stuck I think. I guess we're both finding our passion. I talk lots about it though, and he doesn't. Tried asking him some questions draw him into conversation but I'm not sure that he even knows what he's feeling or wants. I won't give up though, he's talking a bit more as he's getting older. That's about it for me today. Got to work on my resume tomorrow, I have a meeting with Shanti on Wednesday. Driving to Toronto at midnight to pick up Sam from the Megabus terminal after her week-end in Buffalo.
I was talking with my mother earlier. Holy Debbie Downer! I am always cautious about sharing my dreams with her, as she is so practical and finds reasons to why what you want to do won't work. She has been so much better in the fairly recent past that I must have let my guard down. We were talking about my going to India in the fall to get my yoga teachers training, and she was finding reason after reason as to how this may not work in my life, and when Linda gets back from India I may "change my mind" about going. Then when I was talking about my psych course, and how I wish I could afford to go back full time when I got back from India to pursue a degree as an option, she wondered why I couldn't do that like "Dad" did, part time(would take me 10-12 years) and then she complained about "kids" going to school and not knowing what they want to do, and they have to make sure they'll have a job when they finish..... I got off that call remembering clearly as to why I am cautious with surrounding myself with supportive people, and why I feel it's so important to support others. However, that doesn't change anything about what I am doing, it just makes me feel kind of sad that she has not been able to -or chooses to not meet the needs of her daughters unconditionally. I know that is not my job to solve, and it's got to do with her own unmet needs. I will just send love to her and not remind myself not to judge her.

Stomach off Sunday-February 20 2011

It's been a pretty busy week-end so far. Not sure I'm any closer to finding out what I want to do when I grow up, but I've gotten rid of lots of stuff. Cleaned out my closet, the spare room closet. Boxes of stuff we put away when we moved in a few years ago, and never gone through. Vacumned and mopped all the floors. Master Bath total cleaned, even the cupboards. My stomach went off a bit yesterday, but I ate and it seemed to settle down. Shawn came over with Jack for a visit. (My oldest 28 with his first 3months) and he is just the sweetest baby. Shawn is such a great father and son. He really is such a loving person. I am so grateful for him. Then last night Will and I watched a couple of movies while Christian(my 12 year old) and his friend played and had a sleepover. Today I got up to go to hockey, and was tired right from the get go. Thought once I got up the cobwebs would clear and such. However my stomach is a bit off, bloated, nauseous and feels full of air and I'm still hours later feeling exhausted. So I'm giving into it. Sitting on the chaise with the fire going watching movies. Will and Christian gone to his Grandmas birthday without me. I feel bad for not going, but I know if I push this I'll end up worse, so I'm giving in. I think maybe the gluten I put into my body yesterday may be the culprit. I wonder......

Black Swan Friday-February 18, 2011

Black Swan movie was a bit disturbing, even for me .I like dark things, but it was a bit too much crazy for my liking. However the price of going to a 10am movie I really liked. $12.00 for two of us.Maybe next week the kings speech. What a beautiful day out today. Sunshine and warm temperatures, although it is suppose to cool off later, right now, in this moment it's beautiful. I feel like things are shifting today. Maybe that full moon tonight is changing things. People's idea's and goals, moods. Change is in the air. I think it's a bit lighter of a mood coming, but simpler. People getting back to what's real and important. Moving away from material gains and looking for deeper more significant gains. Perhaps that is just wishful thinking, but it's how I'm seeing it. Some changes in the air. Linda leaves for India in 6 hours or so, Sam is in Buffalo visiting Thomas. My house is incredibly quiet at the moment. The only thing I can hear is the odd grumble from my stomach and the school children out playing in the school yard. Why are people so uncomfortable with silence? So many people say they have to turn on the T.V. or radio when they are home alone. I enjoy music and T.V. but I do love the silence as well. Maybe they are afraid to be alone with themselves? Maybe they are afraid of what they will discover about themselves if they drown out all that background noise. Maybe they will discover they aren't who they want to be, and they may be forced to either accept it or change. I know that in those quiet and sometimes agonizing moments alone with myself have come the moments of greats turmoil and joy and growth or insight about myself that lead me towards growth and change. I would rather have moments of great dispair and great joy even if it involves some risks emotionally then just be coasting along "getting through" life playing it safe. Here is a quote that pretty much sums it up for me
." Come to the edge," he said. They said, "We are afraid." "Come to the edge," he said. They came. He pushed them and they flew." -Apollinaire

Reading Week happiness February 17,2011

Well, I got Sam into the big city to drop her off so she can catch the bus to Buffalo for 7:00sm. Will miss her, I hope she finds the street car and bus depot ok.Midterm went well I think, got my lab handed in. Think I`ll go watch movie Black Swan tomorrow with my hubby--post V-day.Also have to find time to clean from top to bottom but too tired right nowTomorrow my.Sister Linda leaving for India and I am super happy and excited for her and I feel lonely thinking I won`t see her for a month.However I plan to be going that direction in 8 months and in the mean time I need to find a way to filter out the negative distractions so I can move towards enlightenment and get back closer to my practice and inner calm. I know what I need to do, so why do I make it so hard!
Everything is as it should be.

Hump Day Again-February 16, 2011

Well my crazy busy week is more then 1/2 way over. I am done my lab----YAHOOOOO!!!!!! Just have to write mid term tomorrow and I'm on the hill down to relaxation. Sam and I have been studying this afternoon. We're both tired and tired of studying. She wrote her socialogy exam this morning, so I think psychology is her last one. She did up some cue cards and we've been quizzing each other. I was thinking I should stay home and study, but that is just my laziness talking. I need to go to my meeting. My sponsee gets her 18 year pin tonight, so I need to go and pick her up and go. It will do me and hopefully others good. I was talking with my mom, that I haven't talked to in about 2 weeks! I know I know, I apologized to her for being a negligent daughter, but she seemed to understand how busy things have been. She sounds like she's been pretty busy herself. She lives in a retirement place about 2 km away. It's like a college dorm for seniors. The drama there is often high, and this is no exception. Mom told her they had a residents meeting and they were upset with the bus schedule being cut back,and she "caught" one of the managers in some lies and called her out on it-in front of the group(don't tell any lies and you won't have to worry about what you said) and it sounds like they are all revolting and forming a union now, that they want Mom to run for president for. So they are in the midst of putting this committee together and going to be holding elections.....so I'm sure she will be happy for some time with this new focus on how to run the show in an offical position! I'll go see her this week-end. Maybe she missed her calling as a politician.

First Cleaning Job-February15 2011

Up at 6:15am to get ready to go out to clean 2 places with Racheal. She has her own business and is passing me a couple of houses that she can't fit in. It went well, except apparantly I'm "too picky". My motto has always been, it doesn't matter what job I'm doing, I'm doing it right! So spent the afternoon finishing up my lab report, then studied a bit and I'm ready to crash. I have a house to clean tomorrow, then I HAVE to study. I have a loaf of gluten free cooking in the oven. We'll see how that turned out. Didn't rise too well.
Never give up, never give in, and when the upper hand is ours, may we have the ability to handle the win with the dignity that we absorbed the loss.quote by Doug Williams. Just like the quote.Night Night.

Valentines Day-February 14, 2011

I am a ENTJ according to the Myers Brigg test. It means that I am an extrovert(not too far over the middle line though)that according to science I am a natural leader and strategic visionary. I am big picture focused(those pesky details sometimes get lost) I love stimulating interactions with people and often challenge people's statements and behaviours. It tells me that I am an excellent solver of organizational problems. Keenly aware of intricate connections within organizationsand am action oriented and strategic, and think ahead anticipating problems.Prefer new challenges.That my verbal fluency, decisiveness, self-confidence, and urge to organize other can overpower people at times. So I learned that although I can do things that are not "natural" for me, it takes way more energy and often frustration. This explains my high drama math meltdown last night. Solving that type of problem is not natural for me. I can plan and work a million dollar company budget, because it makes sense, and it's logically to me. Solving square roots is not. It is like writing your name with your dominant hand. It feels natural, automatic. Try with your other hand. It feels awkward, clumsy and frustrating for me. Same thing as working against your natural "type". Overall I think it really helped me narrow down some things for me. I managed to get on the express train to come home, and tonight will celebrate Valentines watching 'The Bachelor"! Sadly true, maybe some time with my sweetie later. Up early tomorrow to clean my first house.

Too much confidence-Sunday February 13, 2011

Oh my goodness. What was I thinking taking this course. I have spent days on this lab report. I am in way over my head-what happened to the new found math confidence I had yesterday? It was shattered today as I had to do and redo one of the data pages. Manually calculation 3 pages of data from 75 subjects tested on 3 different tasks, and testing it using the mean..or was that the median and division, squared and square root!!! I have looked at it so much I feel like I am more confused than ever, however I am hoping that after leaving it for a bit, I may actually remember something from it for future. I was not in the first half of the semester when they learned about calculating standard deviation, and I am ready to walk away from this right now....ok tomorrow I'll probably feel differently, but right now I am feeling completely overwhelmed and overscheduled as I look at the week ahead. 9:00am Monday meeting Shanti, I still have not come close to revising my resume for my meeting with Shanti and I am thinking that I may have to have to cancel, continuing on Monday...go to train to go to Toronto for the workshop, Tuesday clean houses, Wednesday clean 1 house, Thursday lab due, mid term test, Friday, omg I don't think I have anything scheduled, other then drive Sam into Bus to go to Buffalo Friday night...maybe sleep in and stay in my jammies all day while I fix up that resume, and review the new lab that will be assigned Thursday My neck and back are in such a knot it is ridiculous.. My sister leaves for India this Friday, lucky lady!

Super Saturday

What a busy day. I found a dress for my daughters wedding today. It only took about 30 minutes and was the 2nd dress I tried on of 4 that I got. A beauiful midnight blue, above the knee, spagetti straps with a sheer bolero jacket. I also worked on my psychology lab and surprised myself at the amount of math work I could tolerate. I still have a ways to go to completion, but I now have the confidence to know that I CAN do it! I've got the APA style figured out I think, and my work is still spread out on the dining room table, and it will have to wait until tomorrow, with fresh eyes. I have also started on day 1 of being gluten free. My older daughter Racheal, who is the one getting married, started a gluten free diet a few days ago, and has notice a significant change in her digestive troubles, even in her mood. I have had digestive troubles for most of my adult life. Colonoscopys and stomach scope with a biopsy has ruled out anything serious, but when I put food in my stomach, it's only a matter of minutes before it\s gurgling, and bloating ...and well you can use your imagination, but it's not pleasant. So I am going to try the gluten free adventure.Tomorrow finish up the lab and maybe clean out another closet, oh yes I also have to fiinsh up my resume "homework" for Shanti for our Monday meeting.

Doula Day February 11,2011

Today my nephew and niece came over for their first meeting with me as their doula. They ultimately would like a home birth, but she has a low lying placenta, so fingers crossed it has moved up so she can have a vaginal delivery.They are due May 20. Such a great couple. He has applied to do his masters, he is studying urban planning, and she is doing her PhD as a dietician. I am not big on regrets, but if I did it again, I would have gotten my degree...any degree when I was young. It just opens so many more doors when you're older and looking to upgrade or change careers or get a job. I'm feeling a bit reflective today. Pondering on friendships that I thought were so strong, but seem to not have survived this career "breakup". I believe that you should always stand up for what you think is right, sometimes that means standing alone. I never leave people standing alone when I know what is right, and I guess that is how I feel right now. I need to give the benefit of the doubt I suppose. I hope I am proven wrong on this one.

1 more day done-February 10-11

It has been a "school" day for sure. I do not think my test went very well today. The lecture was very interesting though.Personality was the topic. I came home and worked on my lab for 3 hours! I'm done like dinner, which I haven't had yet. I have my nephew and his wife who I will call my niece coming tomorrow. I am going to be their doula at their birth in May. She has a "low lying placenta" so hopefully it will migrate up her uterus. Tonight I am going to get some materials ready for them, and watch Greys Anatomy.

Hump Day-February 9,2011

Is it really only Wednesday? I feel like I've put in more than 3 days so far. Nothing new on the eye front, just "hundreds of floaters" that he can see, but no sign of retinal tearing, come back in 6-8 weeks. Are we waiting for a retinal tear? The dilation of my pupil really bothered me this time, so sensitve to light and blurry. Got to drive in 30 minutes, I may have to cover the bad eye and drive with the good. So I brought my 18 year old daughter Sam to drive me home from the Opthamologist. She learned to drive my standard about a month ago(license Dec 24-10), and she's been taking it pretty regularily so I figured it would be ok. So I backed it in the spot which was right across from the exit, with the up and down arm to let you out. So she peels out of the spot about 8 feet ahead, and I thnk ok, we're just getting the feel again. So off we go heading out and turned and north. I am feeling very nervous, and I figure she probably feels it, so I lay my seat back and close my tired eyes, so after maybe 1 minute I open them and see a rapidly approaching trunk of a car, and "enthusiastically" request her to slow down... stop!!!! Oh my goodness, a near miss. I am pretty sure we would have hit, had I not looked up. So we peel out of there again, some very abrupt jerks back and forth a few stalls later, we land home. Whewww. We were both laughing so hard at one point at the situation, our stomachs hurt. I will trust my one good eye to drive I think tonight. Feeling a bit blahh tonight. Got my regular meeting though, so that will give me energy. My husband spoke to me in a way I thought was not authentic and of course I called him out on it. I feel is not acceptable, and it caused some conflict, which is never fun. Why do men have such a hard time just admitting they were wrong?????? I don't get it, I admit it all the time.I am wrong fairly regularly.However I really believe you treat people how to treat you, so it's my responsibility and important I let him know when I am upset by it and I expect the same in return. He's got great qualitites, but are overshadowed sometimes by the less desirable ones. We are all works in progress. I am feeling the need for solitude. I have some Aeroplan miles to use, I think after my school and career transition is done end of April, oh and after my niece has her baby due in May(I am also a birth doula), maybe the end of May. I am taking a trip alone. Me myself and I need some alone time.

Day of Homework-February 8,2011

It is my only "day off"this week,so I spent it reading my chapters and reviewing the material for a quiz on Thursday. I was also working to put my lab together. How do people get through 4 years of this I ask? Anyone who completes University degrees deserves to make more money. It is alot of work to do it and do well! Off to my career counsellor in the morning. Her name is Shanti, and she is a lovely woman. Of course with an Indian/Hindu background. She is a source of knowledge and inspiration for me. The man who sat beside me last week at the Strong Preference workshop was a lovely Indian man named Harold with exactly the same kind of outlook as me. He is excited about starting over and being passionate about his work and life. My sister Linda sent me a link about a Swami in India who has an Ashram, and I love reading his blog. He does workshops and one of them is a Chakra dance party. I love it! I am going to put it on the computer and do it one day very soon. I absolutely love his energy. So tomorrow is Shanti to help me build my resume and review my strong preferences, then I am going to the Opthamologist again to see where this eye of mine is at. I'm still seeing the white crescent shaped flashes of light in my periphial vision, but I think the black floaters might be a bit better. Hard to say, maybe just getting use to them. Then I'm off to my 12 step meeting early-oh yeah I am also an alcoholic I've been in recovery for 13 years now, and we have our monthly business meeting the hour before the regular meeting and I am the group secretary. That was my first introduction to spirituality when I came in the fellowship of my 12 step group. I turned Catholic when I was 17, but I had confused religion and God in the past. That is what I love of what I have researched in the Hindu religion. They are all about love and acceptance. What a beautiful concept!

One step closer-February 7 2011

Well, in finding my passion I have taken on a few things. #1 I am in a University course for the first time ever. I am taking a psychology course, and although I am loving it, it is tons of work. I am re-adjusting my brain for classroom learning again, and I have a hard time focusing anywhere except school. So I have to drive over to the school if I need to get real work done. That goes for studying, research or written work. Even if it is quiet and nobody is home. What is up with that???? #2 I am working with a Career Transition Company to help me with these next steps. I'm attending workshops that help identify my "Strong Interests" and therefore what I might find a good fit for a career, and resume writing and many different helpful things that I know will only help me grow into myself.#3 I am also planning a trip to India this fall to get my Yoga teachers training certificate.#4 As well I am cleaning a couple of houses just to keep a wee bit of cash flow coming in. I feel like I have this internal struggle going on between this aggressive goal oriented thrive on challenge kind of career person I have been and loved. I love the research and teamwork, planning and executing sales and operational goals as well coaching and motivating people to help them grow into who they want to be. Then there is this other side that has come out in the last few years that is seeking spirtual growth and seeking truth and enlightenment. I think I tried to merge that into my business life and perhaps that was my downfall, I'm not sure, but I would not do much differently anyhow. I have gotten into Yoga over the past 2 years and I had been doing Yoga for about 4 months when I attended a Yoga retreat at my sisters retreat, she has been a Yoga teacher for many years. Anyhow she has been vegetarian for a number of years now and her whole retreat is as well, so after eating these amazing vegetarian dishes all week-end prepared by her and her husband, I felt so much better. My stomach problems were much improved and I decided to just not eat meat each day and those days added up and I become a vegetarian about 20 months ago. My sister has been such a support for me during this time and I feel like one of my greatest cheerleaders. There are 7 years between us, so our early adult years were never in sync, but as we both made changes and became honest in our lives, we found each other and I am so truly grateful. So a bit off track there, but with all of these changes I have begun to see the world through different eyes. I feel like we're all part of the same family, and I try to look for the good in everyone. I always seem to be able to find the positive in all situations, and I have become a much more forgiving person. I have always been a fast paced, Atype of ADD person. Rushing around to get as much done as possible, overscheduling myself, not really seeing the person in front of me that I am talking to. I am making a real effort to really slow down, to look and see every person that stands in front of me. Try to make a connection with them. Whether it's the cashier at the gas station or a close friend, to look at them and make that connection and send them love. So you can see that I have a real struggle going on. I am hoping I can merge these two styles I have into my life. I was at a workshop last week that we had to fill out a questionaire ahead of time and attend a workshop to determine our strong preferences and it confirmed that I am just as confused on paper as I am in my mind..Only a couple of points separated me from being a "social"(healthcare, healing, social work) and and "enterprising"(Sales, Management..) So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I have to read the rest of my chapter from last week's psychology lecture and the chapter for this week and study for another quiz. What do I want to be when I grow up?

A bit of background-Sunday February 6 2011--10:00am

Well, I am officially a blogger. I'm not sure why, but it feels like it needs to be part of my journey, so I am doing my best to listen to those gentle nudges when they happen. I've had many gentle nudges over the past year, that I ignored and that led to a big shovel over the head. I've been in the corporate world the better part of 15 years. Starting at the bottom and working my way up. It is true that it is lonely at the top. I was in my last position, the highest I could have attained where I was, and lonely it was. I could not be "friends" with anyone due to my position, but I thought I maintained an open door policy, and being the mother of 6, I was sensitve to family challenges employees faced. I really feel I held myself to a standard of integrity, and I think that was a bit naive, as it did not always make me popular with the higher ups. I would speak my mind, respectfully if I didn't agree, and I openly challenged an obvious breach of trust that came out at a large meeting, saying "if I lost my job over it, so be it". My feeling is that I had to look in the mirror at the end of every day, and I had to be comfortable with who was looking back. So when I walked into a "meeting" 4 weeks ago, and found out that this was my last day, no reason provided, I was in shock. I naively still believed that if you did the right thing, with whatever was presented to you, it would be enough. I had never had my performance questioned, but here I was, unemployed suddenly.
I can tell you that the next few days sent me into a tailspin that has changed my life. This same day I was to go to the doctor to see about a problem that I had been having with my left eye. My 25 year old daughter took me and they told me that I may be having a detachment of the retina, and I needed to go straight to the hospital. If that is what it was, and I did nothing, I would lose my vision. Talk about a BAD day! That was the one last straw I suppose that my brain could handle, and I completely broke down. I now know what happened next was a panic attack, and they eventually put a sedative in my mouth and sent me to hospital. They pronouced my retina not detached, and I am still following up with the opthamologist about that, but the next day upon hearing some news about work, I had another panic attack. In the middle of this panic attack, I had a spiritual experience that completely changed my outlook. I felt so overwhelmed and powerless to stop whatever was happening to me. I cried out to God and to my father for help. My father died nearly 12 years ago, and I was with him when he died and the month prior. I have always found birth and death to be profoundly spiritual experiences and I am not fearful to be present for either. Anyhow I saw my father, as though he was standing in front of me. I knew I was awake and I pulled a blanket up over my face and touched my eyes to be sure they were closed because it seemed like I was seeing. He looked younger than he was when he died and he took me into the white light. I felt like I was surrounded by the comfort and love of God. A beautiful warm loving embrace.I feel that I caught a small glimpse of  the other side. I felt only love and peace, and physically I could feel my body calming down, my breathing and my racing heart, and tense body relax. He let me know that we all have free will to enter this place as we choose, but he felt my job/time here was not finished. I knew in that moment that everything would be alright. My husband coming across me in this state, was a bit concerned of course, but also respectful and grateful I'm sure that I had seen my father and my mood had gone from complete despair to relief and hopefulness, and dare I say joy! That was Thursday and I had just been fired on Tuesday. What a change a few days make!
It was only a job, and I had linked my identity to that job so strongly, but that wasn't me at all, In fact it had become so much not me, that it took the shovel over the head to get me to follow my true path. My work there was done and I have other work to here on earth while I'm here. That is what I am currently doing, finding my passion.