Officially it is spring, however this week we have seen snow and very cold temperatures. It looks like it might get closer to "average" temperatures in a week. We are moving full stam ahead with my daughter Racheals wedding, and I am planning a shower for May. My mother was in the hospital for a week. I went to watch American Idol with her a week ago and at the end she asked me to call 911. Her COPD was in a bad way again and she was really struggling to breathe. I brought her home Thursday this week, and she didn't look any better to me. Still breathless, and the bruising on her body was heartbreaking. She seemed like a broken little bird and I just wanted to wrap her up and rock her like a child to comfort her. I got her settled and filled all her prescriptions, and talked a while with her. I hope after a few nights of sleeping in her own bed she will feel better.
Last week my sister came for a night and we had such a great time. Racheal and Sam and I sat around the fire and spoke of many things. Deep things in lfe that many people don't touch on out of fear. We talked about my Mothers past, and the abuse she suffered as well as my Father when they were still children, and my sister shared more about her sexual abuse she suffered from my Uncle when she was a child. She is very open about it so I don't think she would mind me mentioning it. It's so important to share our suffering and recovery from our life experience. That saying |"secrets keep us sick" is so true. Back 20 and 30 years ago, I tried to keep up the illusion that my marriage was the "perfect" marriage and I was the perfect mother. It was always about what it looked like from the outside. It was how we grew up, and it was a learned behaviour I had to change, and my sister had to change, to break the cycle. The truth was I was so busy the first 8 years with having children and running to every event and function keeping up the illusion of the "perfect marriage" I didn't even realize that I wasn't happy until I slowed down a bit, by then I felt trapped by my circumstances, and obligated to "save face" and shut up and smile. It appeared to work for a bit, at least alcohol seemed to make me forget how I felt..for a few minutes. In fact it seemed to be my best friend, but we all know how that goes. It ended up taking everything of value from me. Self respect, self love, ambition, honesty, and all the good stuff that makes one truly happy. So through recovery I have learned to talk about the hard stuff, and that secrets absolutely keep us sick.I also learned that I must give away what I have, in order to keep it. So I gratefully help others who want sobriety to find it. I also learned that there is no "trapped by circumstances". If you don't like your situation, change it, and what is most important about what I've learned is that it doesn't matter AT ALL what it looks like to anyone from the outside. Is it authentic? Do your words and actions line up? Are you honest and extend help to others, and take a good look at yourself every day to see if there is anything you need to learn from or maybe make amends about? One of my biggest pet peeves is the people who act in a way that is not "Christian" from Monday to Saturday and think if they go to church on Sunday, they are upstanding citizens.
One other thing that came up in our girls discussion was that I have issues with trust. That is absolutely true. My interpretation is that most of my life when I let people get close to me, they disappoint me, often betray me, and the pain of that is so emotionally wounding, that leaves me feeling like there is an open raw wound on my soul that has just been ripped open again. Then I feel the need to not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have hurt me, since I assume that since they know I will find out about the betrayal, they must have known that it would cause me sorrow and obviously just didn't care enough in the first place.I know the fact that loyalty and trust is such an important value to me, and others I suppose do not feel the same way. Knowing that logicially and having to walk through the pain are two very different things. Therefore I have surrounded myself somewhat with a protective shell, trusting a few people, but very cautious to let new ones in. I know it's sometimes not about me when people are like that, but it does affect me. So that is just something I am more aware of and need to work on. It's funny, my husband sometimes calls me the ice queen, only because I don't cry easily. At sad movies he's the one crying and me passing the tissues...but as I tell him, just because I don't have my feelings spilling down my face, doesn't mean I don't feel them.
Last week my sister came for a night and we had such a great time. Racheal and Sam and I sat around the fire and spoke of many things. Deep things in lfe that many people don't touch on out of fear. We talked about my Mothers past, and the abuse she suffered as well as my Father when they were still children, and my sister shared more about her sexual abuse she suffered from my Uncle when she was a child. She is very open about it so I don't think she would mind me mentioning it. It's so important to share our suffering and recovery from our life experience. That saying |"secrets keep us sick" is so true. Back 20 and 30 years ago, I tried to keep up the illusion that my marriage was the "perfect" marriage and I was the perfect mother. It was always about what it looked like from the outside. It was how we grew up, and it was a learned behaviour I had to change, and my sister had to change, to break the cycle. The truth was I was so busy the first 8 years with having children and running to every event and function keeping up the illusion of the "perfect marriage" I didn't even realize that I wasn't happy until I slowed down a bit, by then I felt trapped by my circumstances, and obligated to "save face" and shut up and smile. It appeared to work for a bit, at least alcohol seemed to make me forget how I felt..for a few minutes. In fact it seemed to be my best friend, but we all know how that goes. It ended up taking everything of value from me. Self respect, self love, ambition, honesty, and all the good stuff that makes one truly happy. So through recovery I have learned to talk about the hard stuff, and that secrets absolutely keep us sick.I also learned that I must give away what I have, in order to keep it. So I gratefully help others who want sobriety to find it. I also learned that there is no "trapped by circumstances". If you don't like your situation, change it, and what is most important about what I've learned is that it doesn't matter AT ALL what it looks like to anyone from the outside. Is it authentic? Do your words and actions line up? Are you honest and extend help to others, and take a good look at yourself every day to see if there is anything you need to learn from or maybe make amends about? One of my biggest pet peeves is the people who act in a way that is not "Christian" from Monday to Saturday and think if they go to church on Sunday, they are upstanding citizens.
One other thing that came up in our girls discussion was that I have issues with trust. That is absolutely true. My interpretation is that most of my life when I let people get close to me, they disappoint me, often betray me, and the pain of that is so emotionally wounding, that leaves me feeling like there is an open raw wound on my soul that has just been ripped open again. Then I feel the need to not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much they have hurt me, since I assume that since they know I will find out about the betrayal, they must have known that it would cause me sorrow and obviously just didn't care enough in the first place.I know the fact that loyalty and trust is such an important value to me, and others I suppose do not feel the same way. Knowing that logicially and having to walk through the pain are two very different things. Therefore I have surrounded myself somewhat with a protective shell, trusting a few people, but very cautious to let new ones in. I know it's sometimes not about me when people are like that, but it does affect me. So that is just something I am more aware of and need to work on. It's funny, my husband sometimes calls me the ice queen, only because I don't cry easily. At sad movies he's the one crying and me passing the tissues...but as I tell him, just because I don't have my feelings spilling down my face, doesn't mean I don't feel them.
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