When will I find "permanent" regular work? When will I stop going to phone my mother? When will it stop raining? Why is it so freaking hot? When will I be able to get the junk cleared out of my house? Why do I keep rewinding the last few days of my Mothers life? When do I will I be able to think of my loss and not feel overwhelmed with sudden sadness.When will I feel completely like my "old" self? When will I stop asking so many questions?
I am going through some real inner questioning-not all the time, but it is there. I feel like everything has changed all around me and so it is not surprising that I have to re-adjust and review things. Maybe because I am approaching a big birthday, it's a time of life review. I have started more regular meditation and still doing yoga-not as often when I work crazy shifts but, I am finding the time that I can for that. I am enjoying more friendships in my life and that is a beautiful thing. Letting people in, being vunerable that people may betray or hurt you is a risk for me but, not doing this does not open you up for the intimate friendships that I now have in my life. Unconditional love is what we all strive for and I am very fortunate to have this all around me. At home I have this with a partner who allows me the freedom to explore who I am without judgement and I feel I do the same with him. Last night I went to a meeting that was both fun and good medicine for my program. There was a diverse group in the room. Many new people from a treatment facility, and I sat beside a beautiful woman I admire so much that is soon to celebrate 56 years of sobriety and is in her mid 90's. Still vital and active in the program, I talked with her for a while after the meeting and am in awe of her passion still for helping the new person. Then I was able to sit down and have tea with a new and young member of our group. We talked about the soul sickness of this program and recovery and it's challenges. Carrying the message to still suffering alcoholics is our primary purpose and the only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking. You don't even need to be "dry" or pay money, just show up. I was able to present this young man a 24 hour chip to a few months ago and it is such a joy to see the growth in individuals when they start to heal and rebuild their life. I have never found a place that is based on equality and unconditional acceptance and love of fellow humans-like I have found in the rooms of A.A. Where else can you go that you can sit between 2 people with a 60 or 70 year difference in age and of different genders but be able to connect and understand equally? That is question that doesn't cause me to do anything but feel gratitude. It also reminds me that I need to get out of my head sometimes and stop worrying about the questions, just do the work and things will fall into place as they are suppose to.
After that I went over to one of best friends house and another one of our members was there. So there we sat -three sober women from different walks of life sharing, laughing and connecting around a bonfire. It was such a beautiful time that before we knew it, it was 2:00am and my poor husband called to see if I was still alive. We couldn't believe how late it was and how fast the night flew. My dear friend shared from the front of the room last night that we only have three things we really have to do each day. Come to meetings to get the program, connect with a higher power, and give back through service. Keeping it simple in a complicated world is not always easy but, that's why I need to continue to learn from others.
I have to work an overnight shift tonight but, staying up late and sleeping late today should set me up for a decent nights work. As of this moment I can let the questions go, and live in the moment. All is well.
I get literature emailed each day from a member of the program who does mass emails to people who request it. I loved todays and I've just read it an hour after I wrote but, it seems relevant so, I'm inserting it below.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
I am going through some real inner questioning-not all the time, but it is there. I feel like everything has changed all around me and so it is not surprising that I have to re-adjust and review things. Maybe because I am approaching a big birthday, it's a time of life review. I have started more regular meditation and still doing yoga-not as often when I work crazy shifts but, I am finding the time that I can for that. I am enjoying more friendships in my life and that is a beautiful thing. Letting people in, being vunerable that people may betray or hurt you is a risk for me but, not doing this does not open you up for the intimate friendships that I now have in my life. Unconditional love is what we all strive for and I am very fortunate to have this all around me. At home I have this with a partner who allows me the freedom to explore who I am without judgement and I feel I do the same with him. Last night I went to a meeting that was both fun and good medicine for my program. There was a diverse group in the room. Many new people from a treatment facility, and I sat beside a beautiful woman I admire so much that is soon to celebrate 56 years of sobriety and is in her mid 90's. Still vital and active in the program, I talked with her for a while after the meeting and am in awe of her passion still for helping the new person. Then I was able to sit down and have tea with a new and young member of our group. We talked about the soul sickness of this program and recovery and it's challenges. Carrying the message to still suffering alcoholics is our primary purpose and the only requirement for A.A. membership is the desire to stop drinking. You don't even need to be "dry" or pay money, just show up. I was able to present this young man a 24 hour chip to a few months ago and it is such a joy to see the growth in individuals when they start to heal and rebuild their life. I have never found a place that is based on equality and unconditional acceptance and love of fellow humans-like I have found in the rooms of A.A. Where else can you go that you can sit between 2 people with a 60 or 70 year difference in age and of different genders but be able to connect and understand equally? That is question that doesn't cause me to do anything but feel gratitude. It also reminds me that I need to get out of my head sometimes and stop worrying about the questions, just do the work and things will fall into place as they are suppose to.
After that I went over to one of best friends house and another one of our members was there. So there we sat -three sober women from different walks of life sharing, laughing and connecting around a bonfire. It was such a beautiful time that before we knew it, it was 2:00am and my poor husband called to see if I was still alive. We couldn't believe how late it was and how fast the night flew. My dear friend shared from the front of the room last night that we only have three things we really have to do each day. Come to meetings to get the program, connect with a higher power, and give back through service. Keeping it simple in a complicated world is not always easy but, that's why I need to continue to learn from others.
I have to work an overnight shift tonight but, staying up late and sleeping late today should set me up for a decent nights work. As of this moment I can let the questions go, and live in the moment. All is well.
I get literature emailed each day from a member of the program who does mass emails to people who request it. I loved todays and I've just read it an hour after I wrote but, it seems relevant so, I'm inserting it below.
Get it out. Go ahead. Get it all out. Once we begin recovery, we may feel like it’s not okay to gripe and complain. We may tell ourselves that if we were really working a good program, we wouldn’t need to complain.
What does that mean? We won’t have feelings? We won’t feel overwhelmed? We won’t need to blow off steam or work through some not-so-pleasant, not-so-perfect, and not-so-pretty parts of life?
We can let ourselves get our feelings out, take risks, and be vulnerable with others. We don’t have to be all put together, all the time. That sounds more like codependency than recovery.
Getting it all out doesn’t mean we need to be victims. It doesn’t mean we need to revel in our misery, finding status in our martyrdom. It doesn’t mean we won’t go on to set boundaries. It doesn’t mean we won’t take care of ourselves.
Sometimes, getting it all out is an essential part of taking care of ourselves. We reach a point of surrender so we can move forward.
Self-disclosure does not mean only quietly reporting our feelings. It means we occasionally take the risk to share our human side—the side with fears, sadness, hurt, rage, unreasonable anger, weariness, or lack of faith.
We can let our humanity show. In the process, we give others permission to be human too. “Together” people have their not-so-together moments. Sometimes, falling apart—getting it all out—is how we get put back together.
Today, I will let it all out if I need a release.
Quoted from the book Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.
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