I have been struggling with my sleeping since my overnight shift on Sunday night-Monday morning. I came home and slept until 2:15pm, felt great, went to a yoga class that night, stayed up until 1:00am thought I would be able to sleep. After all, I reasoned I only got 6 hours instead of 8. I tossed and turned and read, watched T.V. and did not sleep until 6:30am, woke up yesterday at 12:30pm. Last night similar, tossed and turned until 3:30am, woke up and got up at 10:30am. Hopefully I'll do ok with sleep tonight. I got a call back to go for a second interview with the place I interviewed yesterday, next week. My sponsor says "what's meant for you, won't go by you" so this helps me stay in the moment a bit better. I had some news from my sister yesterday and she is upset by it, which is understandable. I find myself feeling overwhelmed with it and find my thoughts racing, so I need to just take a deep breath and know that everything will be ok in the end. If its not ok, it's not the end. I think I am just feeling a bit at loose ends and wish she was closer to me in proximity and feel a bit helpless to be supportive.
So, I went to yoga today when I got up and thought I would leave it on the mat. Usually at the start of practice one sets a san culpa or "intention". Today the yoga instructor suggested we bring some level of committment into our san culpa, she said we had made our way to our mats today and that shows a committement to practice. So towards the end of our practice she brought us back to our san culpa. She said " what things have you perhaps committed to the first half of this year that you were not as successful as you wanted to be, and she had us visualize our Root Chakra, with red and letting go of that, forgiving ourselves for it. She reminded the class that when something is meant to happened, you cannot stop it from happening. As I surrendered in childs pose I had the overwhelming feeling that I had taken it upon myself to care for my mother which I felt good about but, as I continued to explore this I had also committed to supporting her through her death and ensure her wishes were carried out. As I continued to delve deeper into this thought I recognized that I had unconsciously had committed to keeping her alive until everyone could be there. After all, we had managed to do this with my Father and it worked out well-time wise. So when she died a few hours before my siblings could get there I absolutely took that as a failure to keep my committment. I still feel the sorrow of that and I went through this on the mat. When I came to my savasana-my final resting pose. I asked for some help from my Mother, she did not disappoint. Let me start by saying she looks much younger then the last time I saw her. Her hair still is in an older style but her face is smooth and younger. She provided the information to me that she needed to go when she did. She again showed me how my father lifted her up and told me that she wanted to go with him for hours before she did but, hung on for us. She got the permission she needed and could not hold on any longer. She showed me how her and my dad and others were with us as I held her on the bed and my family surrounded her. They knew that we had to go through this in our human form and it's part of the journey. She told me it was not my job to keep her here and intellectually I know this of course I don't have that kind of power but, I cannot change how I feel.
She let me know that everything, all the confusing feelings I'm going through are part of my human journey. She held my face in her hands and I told her I needed to "feel" her, of course I want to feel what makes sense to me, but her "touch" is different now so I tried to get out of what I "expected" her touch to feel like and instead felt tingles and static along my face. She told me that I am perfectly imperfect as a human and it's part of the journey to go through theses ups and downs and learn from them. I am here to give and receive love in all kinds of ways. I need to be open to this and stop distracting myself with things that are..well distracting.
I have a work party coming here Friday night and the theme is a Psychic from Toronto is coming in. Can't wait to see what happens.
So, I went to yoga today when I got up and thought I would leave it on the mat. Usually at the start of practice one sets a san culpa or "intention". Today the yoga instructor suggested we bring some level of committment into our san culpa, she said we had made our way to our mats today and that shows a committement to practice. So towards the end of our practice she brought us back to our san culpa. She said " what things have you perhaps committed to the first half of this year that you were not as successful as you wanted to be, and she had us visualize our Root Chakra, with red and letting go of that, forgiving ourselves for it. She reminded the class that when something is meant to happened, you cannot stop it from happening. As I surrendered in childs pose I had the overwhelming feeling that I had taken it upon myself to care for my mother which I felt good about but, as I continued to explore this I had also committed to supporting her through her death and ensure her wishes were carried out. As I continued to delve deeper into this thought I recognized that I had unconsciously had committed to keeping her alive until everyone could be there. After all, we had managed to do this with my Father and it worked out well-time wise. So when she died a few hours before my siblings could get there I absolutely took that as a failure to keep my committment. I still feel the sorrow of that and I went through this on the mat. When I came to my savasana-my final resting pose. I asked for some help from my Mother, she did not disappoint. Let me start by saying she looks much younger then the last time I saw her. Her hair still is in an older style but her face is smooth and younger. She provided the information to me that she needed to go when she did. She again showed me how my father lifted her up and told me that she wanted to go with him for hours before she did but, hung on for us. She got the permission she needed and could not hold on any longer. She showed me how her and my dad and others were with us as I held her on the bed and my family surrounded her. They knew that we had to go through this in our human form and it's part of the journey. She told me it was not my job to keep her here and intellectually I know this of course I don't have that kind of power but, I cannot change how I feel.
She let me know that everything, all the confusing feelings I'm going through are part of my human journey. She held my face in her hands and I told her I needed to "feel" her, of course I want to feel what makes sense to me, but her "touch" is different now so I tried to get out of what I "expected" her touch to feel like and instead felt tingles and static along my face. She told me that I am perfectly imperfect as a human and it's part of the journey to go through theses ups and downs and learn from them. I am here to give and receive love in all kinds of ways. I need to be open to this and stop distracting myself with things that are..well distracting.
I have a work party coming here Friday night and the theme is a Psychic from Toronto is coming in. Can't wait to see what happens.
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