October 17/17 The journey continues

Wow, how times goes. My lovely grandson Ethan was born June 25/17 and I was blessed to be able to deliver him into the world and place him on my daughters check. I was weeping with love and gratitude when this happened. There are no words to describe the love and truth that I felt.

There were some challenging situations that we had to navigate through her labour, delivery and postpartum period. It was personally stressful and heartbreaking to know my eldest daughter was disappointed by an important person in her life while in such a vulnerable time, over and over.  She showed great inner strength and resilience. I must remember that she is absolutely surrounded by many many people who love and support her.
She is a great Momma and Ethan is a special child. My Mother came to me in a meditation 4 years ago and said she would come back as my daughters child. She said she did not learn to express during her time on earth and Racheal would be her greatest teacher. All I know for sure is this child is a soulmate and he is very very familiar to me. The love I feel is unconditional and intense.The love between him and his Momma is undeniable.

Other then that I have been off on leave from the shelter since July to be able to be available to assist when needed.
Many lessons are coming to me very quickly. Life is beautiful.

Me delivering Ethan

Shiny, happy people having fun-June 4, 2017

I cannot believe I have not written since October. So many things have changed but, yet some much is unchanged. My dear friend Jacqueline was my friend and peer at the shelter I work at, died suddenly December 28, 2016. We assume it was a massive heart attack, she died in her sleep. I miss my friend very much and I think about her often still. I know as I get older, I will be faced with death more frequently.
At the same time I have life all around me. My daughter Racheal is due to give birth to her first child this month. We celebrated this new child yesterday with a baby shower/party with family and friends. 
It was such a blessing to co-host with my first husband and his partner at their home. I never understand when parents separate, how they cannot put the needs of their children first an d do their best to be amicable at least. My sister and her first husband were a power of example when they separated, they remained friends and still get together with their spouses. I knew that this is the way I wanted to exist and for many reasons it took a few years to get to this point but the past decade has been healthy and for the most part enjoyable. We are different people and different lifestyles but, I know that when you have spent many years together and shared five children, there was lots of love. Where does the love go? I know love doesn't disappear it just shifts and reshapes but, it's there. I am very fortunate that my partner and love is open minded, secure in our relationship and has always been able to know that it's best for the children to have this open and cohesive parenting and he is happy to be part of this big extended family that originated with me and my first husband and he and many others have joined in along the way. Our son, instead of being left out of family functions with all his brothers and sisters, is included and part of. Taking the high road and remembering the love instead of the resentments is better for everyone. I wish joy, love and abundance for him and his partner.
Now my life has been very busy, I am still in that new job and have been working 35 plus hours at the shelter. 65 hours a week has become the norm, and that needs to change. I am considering my options. I am trying to watch for signs and where I'm being divinely led and I believe I'm on the right path. I'm putting some things out there and being patient as possible. I trust that my divine creator will guide me to where I am suppose to be, if I listen and trust.

Racheal with me and my brother and sister

Daughter Sam granddaughter Lydi and niece McKenna having fun

Me, my brother Dale my children's step mom Pam and my sister Linda

My first husband Ken, brother Dale and brother in law Mike

The Journey-October 31, 2016

Halloween today and it's been a challenging week. So many things to be grateful for. I started a new job In September that is wonderful in many ways. I had to let one of my other jobs go. That is what life is all about, juggling demands, making decisions, facing obstacles and feeling it all pain and joy.

Today is a little more challenging for me in a few ways. I have been working lots of hours and I'm a week into my first cold in two years, so physically I'm tired. People close to me have some big and difficult decisions to make. I can only support their decisions and be there but, I am sensitive to energy and sometimes feel more then I know is healthy for me.

I always believe that if I do the right things and work hard that things will work out. Well, I realize that what I thought about that belief was I believed it was what I thought should happen was want I expected and sometimes the divine has other plans.

It's a New Moon today, so I'm going to put some things out that I want to manifest and know that I'm going to get through this and be back to my optimistic and positive self very soon.

Getting on with it-July 12, 2016

It has been a very busy year so far. So many changes and the one thing I am reminded of continually is that change is inevitable so, I need to flow with the changes as smoothly as possible. My family is growing up and have busy lives so my partner and I have enjoyed some time together doing things we enjoy together and it's an exciting time for us as a couple. We have a few years yet before this will be the case so, in the meantime we are still juggling multiple things that come with raising a teenager and having other family to connect with. It seems there is never enough time but, I know that will not always be the case so I try to live in the moment and soak these times up knowing this part of my life that has been 35 years in the making--is coming to a close.

I am blessed to have so many dear friends in my life but, this year has also taught me that not everyone should be given my trust. I tend to want to bring everyone into the circle of acceptance and love that I enjoy and am reminded that not everyone wants or should be there and I need to trust my instincts fully. That doesn't mean I can't be pleasant and helpful but, it means that I should feel comfortable setting healthy boundaries with some people. It's knowledge that they are not in a place in their life that they feel secure and happy with who they are therefore, I need to recognize and accept them and not put myself out there for anyone that has not got integral intentions.

We are all always growing and changing and although I've come a long way, I have so much learning and growing still, if I ever think that is not true, that is trouble.

I still have a strong sense of purpose that I'm hear to do the work I'm doing and I feel a strong sense of facing injustices head on and doing the next right thing. Just for today.

Getting my groove back-May 11, 2016

So, it's been quite a year so far and definitely the most difficult one emotionally. I am so used to be "the strong one" and able to pile responsibility and responsibility onto my plate, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, run on little sleep and allow others needs to come before my own.
What I have realized is that it all comes with a price and my cumulative debt needed to be paid out this year. I finally hit the point where I can see that raising my family and taking care of others is nearing the end and I want to live my life authentically and not feel like I am being shut down with my own needs.
During this process of working through where I see myself going in the next few years, I became completely run down. As I reflect back, it was a cumulative effect of 20 years of dealing with intense situations and not having any significant period of time that was "easy" and "smooth". It's been about 18 + years since I went into recovery and shortly after my first husband and I separated for the final time and eventually divorced. That was exceptionally difficult and complex even afterwards for many years. I am grateful for that past 10 years we have been able to effectively co-parent and be friends. However at the time it was not like this. Uprooting 5 children and living in a bungalow with 15 people for a year was wonderful and very challenging, having a 6th child to add to the mix, shortly after my father became ill and died, I had to find work, supporting a family, finding a home, the challenges each day of being a single parent to 5 children and a new relationship and child. The stress on the children, myself having a step father in the house that has never had children and has very different expectations on how to parent were constant adjustments and stressful for all of us. Thankfully, he has a positive relationship with the children and is a strong stable support for them but, it had it's growing pains.
The greatest gift and blessing in my life has been my children and we had SO many great times in the midst of it all, and I would not change my life for anyone else's.
However, we continued to plug along and enjoyed some super fun things in the mix. Trip to Disney World with everyone, Bahamas, Mexico, lots of celebrations and positive experiences.
But, also jobs lost, readjustments to income, kids leaving, marriages, post secondary, illnesses, just life that happens. When you have so many people, it's just more blessings and more "life" that comes at you. I thought I was handling it all. I have my job title as "professional ball juggler" The end of life of my Mom, her death and losing our precious nephew Dare last year and some other things with my son was kind of the "last straw" in my reserves. I remember the first time I had the feeling that I maybe could not "do it all" when my Mom came home from the hospital and it was determined that she needed someone to stay with her at night, and knowing it would have to be me as I was the only one living close to her. I couldn't imagine how I was going to juggle school, job searching, a new job I had just gotten in a shelter, family and caring for my Mom, essentially living at two places at the same time.
My children were a great source of strength for me. My oldest daughter was definitely my right hand. I don't know what I would have done without her. The two girls from India that were living with me also took shifts staying with Mom. I had a rotating schedule posted for people coming in to stay with her and right up until she died, somehow it all came together. However, the debt of neglecting my own needs was accumulating.
So finally after a year of working crazy shifts, ignoring the cracks in my relationship, no self care, and yet another loss, my son being assaulted then experiencing his own significant struggles, and working in environments where people were in crisis and needed lots of support..it became too much. My body responded, my emotions, my mood and sleep and my ability to cope was fragile. I actually felt something in my brain short wire one day in early April. I was at work, everyone was in crisis, I had been dealing with on little sleep, my son was in crisis at school, I could not leave work and my partner was away for work. I remember sitting at the desk, crisis line ringing, clients at the door waiting, my son needing help and franticly trying to put some supports in place at the school to assist, feeling like I was going to lose it. Crying at my desk, unable to leave, unable to be productive at work and just tired of my life. I actually think I heard the singe of the short wire in my brain, it was overloaded and the debt was due!
I am on the repayment plan (tongue in cheek) of restoring that debt to myself. I have set firm self care with regards to working crazy hours. This has been tested. I have received call after call to accept shifts but, have held firm that I need two days off in a row after 5 on. I have been having some great sleeps lately, returned to yoga, started my own counselling back up, listening to what I need and not what someone else thinks I need. I am actually feeling something good shifting. Yesterday I felt that excited happy feeling again for the first time in quite a long while. I know I'm doing something right and I feel it building. I am getting stronger again but, in a whole different way. I am also more effective at my job having gone through this awful low period. I understand my clients in a way that I could not have otherwise.
Looking forward, my daughter and I are planning a trip to India for a month to do our yoga teachers training. My husband and I continue to work on our relationship and although it's had it's ups and downs, we are in an honest and authentic space with lots of hope and continue to work with a counsellor and each other to continue to grow as a couple. I see so many people stay with their partners because they are too afraid to leave or become comfortable. I am an intense person and although it can be enticing to some initially, to live with an intense person can be...well intense.. I do not want to engage in small talk, I want meaningful discussions. I also want intense soul connections with my partner physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes it's exhausting, and I find myself exhausting so I need someone who can take it and wants excitement and passion until the day they die. It is not for the faint of heart and to keep passion going after many years is work and I know it's an investment worth doing. I also want my independence and don't want someone to rely on me to make them happy nor do I expect that in return. I like my alone time and actually need it to feel whole. I have lots of interests as does my partner that do not include the other. That works for us and it's a strength and part of self care.
We have talked about in the next few years as potentially empty nesters, downsizing and travelling more. I'm ready to be thinking about this now and excited about what the future brings. I also know the next few years may be a bit up and down still as we get to that place and finish raising our family.
I feel in a very different place today then I did a few months ago, and that is a very good thing.

-Letting Go April 14, 2016

This past week has been among the most stressful since I came into sobriety. It was some amazing highs and progress with a struggling family member and some (or by my perception) crushing lows. It was an entire week of feeling that my body was on "high alert" for whatever, might be coming.

 On my own throughout this, I found myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually depleted and sitting in a government agency parking lot on a Wednesday night instead of my meeting. Watching the sun go down from my car and feeling these intense emotions was as far as I could go. I called my sponsor and had a long talk with her. Such gratitude. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and I will be surrounded by the beautiful men and women in the program and I was.
Today I am off to yoga and I will be working on turning my worries over to my higher power and letting go. It's the letting go I struggle with. I have many balls in the air and when a couple drop, they all come tumbling down. It's for me how many of those balls I choose to pick back up.

Spring and new growth-March 26, 2016

It has been such a year of changes and it's only March! I am learning...and sometimes appreciative of my ever evolving life. Usually in hindsight I have great appreciation and gratitude for the struggle so, my lesson is to learn to be grateful in the midst of being uncomfortable. I am having increasing moments of this but, I have a long way to go and I know there is no perfection only progress.

My partner and I have been working with a professional through some things and working on how to communicate and not only listen to the other but, really hear what is being said while validating feelings even if we don't understand it. Asking the questions to seek understanding -ideally from a place of love is important.
Also, challenging thoughts that might pop up, where did they come from? How do we know these are true thoughts? Is this going to matter 5 years from now. Is this worth losing a relationship over?

Often they are assumptions that we jump to based on our previous experiences we have brought forth. Sometimes from childhood needs that have not been met, we essentially bring our garbage with us and if there has been no insight or release from it, we respond to others based on our unmet needs as children. It is not work that everyone wants to do but, I really do WANT IT ALL. There is no half way with what I want from this life. I want a partner that cannot wait to kiss me, can't keep their hands off me and is also a friend and safe and soft place to fall and I want to be that in return.
We have been working hard and I am so grateful that we are able to be in this better place. Sometimes our counsellor would talk about "getting back to" and my thoughts are that I want to get to a place we've never been, and it feels like we are on our way. There are no perfect partnerships just imperfect people doing their best and having to readjust along the way.
Outside the birds are singing and we are having typical end of March weather. Warm and sunny one day and cold and rain mixed with snow the next. The birds don't seem to mind, they know that despite the snow and cold, it's just the way it is today and they have faith that what they need is coming. They, sing either way, they are pretty smart.

And so on....February 22, 2016

Lots of things on the go lately. Working many hours at both jobs. Painting Art, Writing, and still trying to figure my life out. Did a road trip on Sunday to an A.A. group in Toronto to carry the message. As much as I am never "thrilled" to speak in front of a group, I feel it's important to give back what I was so freely given. My friend Gail and some other group members were there plus my dear friend Richard and his partner Travis. Gail and I are joined at the heart and I have such respect and love for her.
Also, I have such a cool connection with Richard that can only be explained as a soul family member. I feel like I know him deeply and I feel love that can only be explained by knowing him in another lifetime...at least that is how I feel it. He and Travis travel so much for A.A. and their excitement is contagious so I'm going to look at doing more of it.
Last night we wrapped up our last class for spiritual living for life II. It was such a powerful experience and I am finding that many things are just natural for me now. We were directed to create a vision board of how we see our "essence" and I painted what I "felt". Underneath the light and colourful paint is actually lots of black and dark. I embrace the dark now, and know that it's where I find the magic and it's where I discover more about my soul purpose. If we are too comfortable in our life, we are not growing. Based on this, I feel like I must be growing in leaps and bounds. This picture is of my beautiful friends in this class and our vision boards.

Family Day-February 15, 2016

Today is a relatively new statutory holiday in Canada. It is Family Day and I am so blessed to have an amazing family that I am related to in blood and spirit.
I have such abundance in my life. True friendship and co-workers that are also dear friends. My family has expanded beyond blood relations and I realize how interconnected we all our.
My life partner and I have been together nearly 18 years and we've had wonderful and not so wonderful times. Lately we've been in a weird place but, we are doing some intense work on our own healing and as a couple. I have come to know that I will never be satisfied with ordinary love. I want it all. I deserve it all. Everyone does.  I see so many partners go through their lives together on auto pilot. They have friendship but, not intimacy. They have great passion but, no common ground outside the bedroom. Sometimes they are "comfortable" and don't want to start over. Or, they have so much fear of the unknown they prefer to stay with what they know, even if it's mediocre. They feel safe and in "control". What an illusion. Nothing is under control, we do things to make us feel like it is but, the only thing within our control is ourselves and even that, is questionable.

I want friendship, trust, respect, deep love, intense passion, adventure and intimacy. I want to have a partner who supports my individual dreams and goals and I want to support theirs. And, if they are not the same dreams, that's ok. We are individuals. I want to be able to talk about anything and have the uncomfortable discussions because we know it's safe to do so. I do not want any games in my relationships, I want real...even when it's ugly. I would rather have to endure some ugly in order to get it all or I would rather be on my own, it have come to love my own company.
I cannot do anything halfway or not authentically. So, it's a crossroads of working through some long standing issues to see if we can cross over to having it all. It takes work, commitment and patience. It takes people giving 100% every day not 50-50 when they feel like it. It's not easy to change how you have been doing something, even if it's unhealthy. It's not easy to get out of your ego and admit and own your part in problems. The program of recovery has helped me so much with being open minded and this has allowed me to have moments of insight regularly. I know that I will never stop learning and growing. Just when I think I have it figured out, something comes at me that shakes my world up and I believe it's necessary to have it shaken up to continue to grow and become who I was created to be.
I know it's not realistic to "have it all" every moment of every day but, I believe it is attainable to have it "all" most of the time, even when that includes some "ugly" and I will never, ever settle for mediocre.

Knowing -February 13, 2016

Today I felt compelled to write a poem and I spent about 30 minutes with this.
I am feeling heightened creativity in this period of my life. I am listening to what I need now.

Knowing

The journey of each soul

Seeking truth

Longing for understanding

Human connection

So imperfect in human love

Yet, memory of unconditional love

Haunts me

I search for meaning

Trying to fill the void that exists

Deep within

Pouring myself with pain

To escape the lonely human experience

Even for a moment

To feel the peace I long for

In anguish I cry out

It is always there yet,

I question

My purpose in this life

Unconditional love

Divine Love

Every wound healed

My soul rejoices with a

Knowing

If I let that divine love enter my wounds

It will fill the void

I will feel the peace

Healing my heart

Connecting me to everything and everyone

Releasing deep rooted negative energy-February 8, 2016

Had a great day at work today. Went to Olivias spiritual living for life class tonight. We talked about deep seated negative energy being in the body and how the same lessons continue to show up in our lives, disguised as the same lesson. We first meditated and connected with breath, then we connected with Creator and were directed to feel the pain of whatever we think it is we keep having issues with. As I thought about my past traumas and recent upset that common thread appeared to be losing any control and being vulnerable. Once I went into the meditation, it became apparent that my issue was feelings of being not good enough. We went into a deep meditation and connected with the divine universal energy and moved it through the chakras and removed much of the negative energy, with the help of Creator and infused lots of positive love. Through childhood issues, always the feeling of not measuring up, not being "good enough". Through my job loss, I know know the anxiety that came up was I thought I was not good enough and again....I know that I am good enough, and I always have been perfect in my creation.

It was described as the deep seated issue like a wart that has roots. You may appear to have gotten rid of it but, if you don't work through the process of removing every one of those lingering roots, part of it remains and can...and will resurface. It was very healing to work through and I am only just beginning.

Never stop growing-February 7, 2016

It has been an extremely challenging month. There are points in ones life that bring moments of clarity both pleasant and unpleasant. This is my life. With this awareness I have needed to really take an honest look at many areas of my life. You know how it goes, you're just going about life and something happens and it becomes clear that nothing is what you thought it was and some things I thought were working "ok" are an illusion and the glass house shatters. It's painful to work through these feelings and I am sitting in it, not avoiding it and not looking the other way. Staring it down.

Not for the faint of heart.

Initially with this realization I felt like someone died and reflecting over the past three weeks, something did die and although it's not a person, it's significant and painful to navigate through. There have been many losses over the past few years and some days that felt they were impossible to get through but, I always have and know that this is no exception. I know it's  important to grieve things when they come up. Now or later, it will continue to present itself if not dealt with and I am not prepared to drag out my suffering.

At least now I do not always feel this "death" like feeling although tonight it has crept back in. It's a heavy darkness and anxiety mixed with loss and a sprinkling of fear. However, for all the perceived negative, I have had some joyful moments coming back when I'm with my friends and safe in the fellowship. I felt more like myself last night at a meeting then I maybe ever have and that alone gives me a small thought of excitement at growth and moving forward.

It's kind of like giving birth. The pains come in waves and sometimes an easy contraction is followed by one that seems unbearable. At the end of the pain something beautiful emerges. A gift from the divine emerges and the love that arrives with this gift fills me to the core of my soul and I am changed forever. I know that the love comes from the divine and that is where all love comes from.

I know I need to spend time in solitude and crowds overwhelm me right now, so I am honouring what I need and accept that I cannot change anyone else, only me. This is my journey and I need to do the work. I have always been brave in the face of adversity and I have had my share and each time it has brought me to where I need to be. I trust that if I continue to do the next right thing, the right things will come into my life and things that no longer serve my higher purpose will be removed. Change is never easy, even good change can make me feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as change is, nothing is worse then being stuck where you don't fit.
I move forward with optimism, even though some darkness seeps in. I just ask to light to be directed into the wound where the darkness lingers.

Another milestone : January 19, 2016

I can't even begin to imagine where the past 17 years have gone. It seems like I blinked and this precious newborn is now nearly a grown man. He came into the world at 5:59am after an intense and short labour. The moment I looked into his face I could tell he was an old soul and would teach me far more then I could imagine.  I feel like we have been through many lifetimes together. It's not been an easy go for him but, he's beginning to find his footing and I just feel so blessed to have him. He is so much like me and I understand on a deep level some of what he goes through. Some days it's sheer torture to feel how unkind this world can be. The struggle is to be able to look through the pain and darkness and find the light. After all, we are just walking each other home.

Day 7/365 Gratitude for Racheal-January 7, 2016

Day7/365 of my gratitude challenge is for my daughter Racheal. She is such an expressive and loving person and is such a bright light in this world and I just love her tenacious spirit. Today she was at my place and gave me the best hug. I am so grateful that at 30 she can crawl into my lap and give me a heart to heart hug that made my day.

Gratitude Challenge. Day 5/365----Grateful for my siblings. January 5, 2016

Day 5/365 and I am grateful for my brother and sister. When I was moving some things around after the Christmas crush, I came across a thoughtful birthday present my sister made for me. She hand picked some fun times and many laughs and great moments we have had together over the years. While I sat and looked at it, it just made me smile, laugh and remember being in the moment and experiencing these treasures of the heart. We have has such meaningful adventures together and one of the best was to The Big White house hostel in Nelson BC. We travel well together and I hope we have many adventures ahead.

I also had a call from my brother today. He had been out west with his kids and grandkids for the holidays and was just returning my call. It was wonderful to touch base with him after so long and hear about how his family is doing. It's fun to watch my brother and sister in law with their Grandbabies. With both parents passed on, I am so grateful to have these special bonds in my life.

Day 4/365 Gratitude for Lesson-January 4, 2016

Day 4/365 my gratitude today is for lessons. If I knew all of the tough lessons that I would face in my life before they happened, I would have thought “no way, I can’t get through that” but, I have gotten through each one and every difficult challenge has brought beauty to my life in ways I could have never imagined. 5 years ago today my life was derailed professionally and I did not realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in “what I did”. After 3 days of being curled up in a ball a spiritual experience came to me and my faith returned and I remembered that “I get what I need” even if I don’t understand it at first. I trusted in the process and looked for the meaning within the experience. That lesson was meant as gift to me and immediately took me off the wrong path and set me about following the path I am still on now. When I ended up in college at the age of 48, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I love my life today and I am so grateful for the lessons that while painful at the time, are opportunities for growth. Gratitude for lesson.

365 Day Gratitude Challenge-Day 1 January 1, 2016

DAY 1/365 gratitude challenge. I am taking on a challenge to document gratitude each day for a full year.
This just will be something that will allow me to grow at an even deeper level and become more mindful of gratitude for all things big and small in life. Not only will I create something that allows me to profoundly changed my perspective on life, the act of doing it instilled in me a habit of choosing to see the positive over the negative. I hope by witnessing me take the time every day to record, without fail, something worth appreciating, someone else struggling will find hope and begin find beauty in the difficult times in their own daily lives.

Today I am grateful for love. All kinds of love. Love that surrounds me and I feel and receive. Love that becomes deeper due to struggles that it overcomes. Love that see's past human imperfections. Love for my life partner. Love for my children. Love for my friends both long term and others that have passed my path for only a moment but, have touched me with their love. Love for my pet. Love for my family members. Love for those that have died but left love as their legacy. Love from the food and water that sustains me. Love from nature that surrounds me.Ultimate love that is from something deep inside each and every one of us~ that originates from Creator. This feeling of love we remember deep in our soul and drives us to do many things-often destructive trying to find what is missing. Drugs, relationships, thrill seeking behaviors when in reality there is nothing external that can fill this empty space but, we can find it from within if we are willing to do the work.
It's a journey and why is often called the journey from within. As is often said we are all just walking each other home. We are.
With gratitude for love.

December 14, 2015: ASK, HAVE FAITH, ALLOW

Well the Christmas season is upon us again. There are lots of mixed feelings this year. Our loss of Dare is acutely noted at each function. He always enjoyed these events and was very "present" at them.
Today is my 2nd born child Justins 32nd birthday. He has grown into such an amazing man. I am just bursting with pride at all of my children. Justin has blossomed in the past 5 years into a creative artist in form of video and photography and musically. He is also stepped up to the plate to be a super involved single Dad to his two young children. Also involvement in the social movement to help men suffering abuse and single fathers gain rights and fight the injustices they face.

Justin with youngest brother Christian

Work has been exceptionally busy this year. The rotating shifts always present a challenge however I love the work and right now cannot imagine being anywhere else. There have been some intense cases recently and I am mindful that I need to practice setting healthy boundaries and detaching from these clients who are very sick with mental illness.

This is the first year that I have yet to decorate the house, it's very late for me and I will be doing it over the next few days. I thought I had a "do nothing" kind of week-end ahead but, today we are leaving for my grandsons hockey, then my grandaughters cheerleading showcase. I had tentatively planned to get together with my best friend and go to a meeting however, I need to have some quality time with my partner. I plan to just go with the flow and see how the day and night unfolds.

I have had some clear signs lately that my intuitive senses are coming through stronger and I feel able to just allow it. Sometimes I have such a buoyant response when something happens that validates it. I should not need any validation but, I guess I am still working through that and the "trust" part of my intuitive senses. Even though I am busier this year, I am missing my Mom more then last year. Part of the process I guess. Perhaps because I just finished an intense 6 weeks of a bereavement course that included working through our own grief. I do feel her around me though and that comforts me. 
I am at a bit of a crossroad today. My full time contract ends and I have applied for an outreach contract and the full time front line contract. I have to have faith, trust and allow whatever happens is for my highest good. I may be back in my part time rotation and working more at my other job in mental health. Trust, have faith, allow.

October 14, 2015-Deeper Awareness

Stargazing at Killbear

It is now the end of summer for me...officially. Spent Thanksgiving week-end with my husband Will camping at Killbear Provincial Park. Just the two of us for 5 days. It was so wonderful. I gained insight about where I want to be and what makes me feel peaceful, happy and content. Being submersed in nature, watching the sunset each night, lying on the rocks stargazing, sleeping until my body said it's time to wake up, reading 2 full books just for enjoyment and spending quality time with my life partner--I felt whole again. It's been a year filled with transitions. I am shifting into a new chapter in my life both physically and spiritually and change is never easy. As Will pointed out, during the drive home I appeared melancholy and "like I lost my best friend". I felt that anxiety in my stomach as well so I need to listen to that. Yesterday I worked at a relief job that I don't get to often. I realized that I did not want to be at that particular one anymore for a variety of reasons so, I will not accept shifts there anymore and that decision brings me peace. In fact, I will not do things that I don't feel connected to, I love and  honor myself today. Reminds me I need to do the mirror exercise. I'll update on that next time.

So, I know two things over this past week.
1.  I need to be in nature, in fact I want to be living more in nature.
2. I will not work at a job that doesn't fulfill me and/or I do not feel connected to.

Not sure how I see that all coming together but, it will. I trust in this process and will leave the "how" to the universal love that guides me. Now that I am settled back into my other job that I love and settled home after the week-end, I feel happy again and look forward to what this transition brings next.

With Love and Gratitude.                      

Glorious sunset

Thanksgiving 2015

Ass Kicking Supermoon and Eclipse: September 29, 2015

Wow this week has kicked my ass. I am on day 3 of being completely exhausted-knocked off my feet exhausted. When I was at my naturopath about 6 weeks ago, I found out my ferritin(iron stores) were pretty low but, I have been on liquid iron since. I have a slight nauseous and sleeping 9 hours a night. I got up at 11am today and by 1:30pm was back lying down. I need to stop worrying about when this will end and start focusing on being strong, healthy and joyful. I am finding it challenging as I count on my energy being high.
I started my spiritual living for life part 2 with Olivia and my soul sisters last night. Everyone seems to have had a year of change and what appears to be negative change by most and we are challenged to view it as part of our growth and transformation to become who we were created to be. So it is as I perceive my life as being deeply uncomfortable with many changes in and around me, I know that this is where I will find my greatest growth, if I can sit in it and listen to that deep knowing part of me and not attempt to bring things back to a feeling of comfort and homeostasis because it's easier and I know what to do with it.