It has been an extremely challenging month. There are points in ones life that bring moments of clarity both pleasant and unpleasant. This is my life. With this awareness I have needed to really take an honest look at many areas of my life. You know how it goes, you're just going about life and something happens and it becomes clear that nothing is what you thought it was and some things I thought were working "ok" are an illusion and the glass house shatters. It's painful to work through these feelings and I am sitting in it, not avoiding it and not looking the other way. Staring it down.
Not for the faint of heart.
Initially with this realization I felt like someone died and reflecting over the past three weeks, something did die and although it's not a person, it's significant and painful to navigate through. There have been many losses over the past few years and some days that felt they were impossible to get through but, I always have and know that this is no exception. I know it's important to grieve things when they come up. Now or later, it will continue to present itself if not dealt with and I am not prepared to drag out my suffering.
At least now I do not always feel this "death" like feeling although tonight it has crept back in. It's a heavy darkness and anxiety mixed with loss and a sprinkling of fear. However, for all the perceived negative, I have had some joyful moments coming back when I'm with my friends and safe in the fellowship. I felt more like myself last night at a meeting then I maybe ever have and that alone gives me a small thought of excitement at growth and moving forward.
It's kind of like giving birth. The pains come in waves and sometimes an easy contraction is followed by one that seems unbearable. At the end of the pain something beautiful emerges. A gift from the divine emerges and the love that arrives with this gift fills me to the core of my soul and I am changed forever. I know that the love comes from the divine and that is where all love comes from.
I know I need to spend time in solitude and crowds overwhelm me right now, so I am honouring what I need and accept that I cannot change anyone else, only me. This is my journey and I need to do the work. I have always been brave in the face of adversity and I have had my share and each time it has brought me to where I need to be. I trust that if I continue to do the next right thing, the right things will come into my life and things that no longer serve my higher purpose will be removed. Change is never easy, even good change can make me feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as change is, nothing is worse then being stuck where you don't fit.
I move forward with optimism, even though some darkness seeps in. I just ask to light to be directed into the wound where the darkness lingers.
Not for the faint of heart.
Initially with this realization I felt like someone died and reflecting over the past three weeks, something did die and although it's not a person, it's significant and painful to navigate through. There have been many losses over the past few years and some days that felt they were impossible to get through but, I always have and know that this is no exception. I know it's important to grieve things when they come up. Now or later, it will continue to present itself if not dealt with and I am not prepared to drag out my suffering.
At least now I do not always feel this "death" like feeling although tonight it has crept back in. It's a heavy darkness and anxiety mixed with loss and a sprinkling of fear. However, for all the perceived negative, I have had some joyful moments coming back when I'm with my friends and safe in the fellowship. I felt more like myself last night at a meeting then I maybe ever have and that alone gives me a small thought of excitement at growth and moving forward.
It's kind of like giving birth. The pains come in waves and sometimes an easy contraction is followed by one that seems unbearable. At the end of the pain something beautiful emerges. A gift from the divine emerges and the love that arrives with this gift fills me to the core of my soul and I am changed forever. I know that the love comes from the divine and that is where all love comes from.
I know I need to spend time in solitude and crowds overwhelm me right now, so I am honouring what I need and accept that I cannot change anyone else, only me. This is my journey and I need to do the work. I have always been brave in the face of adversity and I have had my share and each time it has brought me to where I need to be. I trust that if I continue to do the next right thing, the right things will come into my life and things that no longer serve my higher purpose will be removed. Change is never easy, even good change can make me feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as change is, nothing is worse then being stuck where you don't fit.
I move forward with optimism, even though some darkness seeps in. I just ask to light to be directed into the wound where the darkness lingers.
No comments:
Post a Comment