My mother made the trip to the palliative care unit today. Such a long month April 2013 has been. I am starting to feel the loss acutely now. Instead of travelling to stay with her and having our nightly visits she is going to die. She is tired, ready and relieved to be in her final place and not worry about where she has to go next. She is very tired and very peaceful right now. The palliative care team seems to be very respectful and caring, I feel as positive as possible in this moment. Mom has been settling her life in her own mind over the past month. She went through her clothes when my sister was here, and had fun participating in it. She loves to see us come in to visit her in her own clothes. It was important to her to settle her jewelry as well. Her hands became so swollen last night the staff took her rings off and called to inform us that it was at security and she was unable to wear them or they would have to be cut off. She expressed wishes to distribute the rings now instead of waiting. She seemed tired so I asked her if she wanted to still do it today or not, and it seemed important to her. She said "lets do it right now" I got the feeling she was worried that if something happened she may die and not be able to do this. So my eldest daughter videotaped it and she carefully selected who she wanted to have which piece. It was another moment in time I treasure. I hope that my sister will get the same moment later this week. She kept talking about a pinkie ring all week for our sister in law, she presented a ring for each of her two grandaughters and myself and my sister. The only great grandchild to get a ring was dear Laurel. Derek's daughter and that is such a special tribute for both Derek and Laurel. She is a love. Also, my husband Will got the only ring for a man. I know she is grateful for all he has done to keep my home running smoothly so I can be available to do what I need to do for Mom-she gets that and wanted to leave something for him to understand it. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through all of this without his support.
She has started talking while she dozes and my daughter and I started to document it. She said " I was married when I was 18" "She said you get to a point where you can't come back" ""She looked about 35" Then she glanced over at us and said "the end is near" and went back to "sleep". Her brother and sister came to see her today and were talking about a book a palliative care doctor wrote about people at the end of life talking to the other side. This is certainly what if feels like. I was talking to my daughter about my surprise that I did not feel my Fathers presence around me since my Mother has been seeing him. As we are talking about this I had this intense vision of my father reaching out and taking my mothers hand and lifting her up, while her body is still there in the bed. It was so intense I could not speak and burst into tears. I did not get a sense of when this was going to happen but I got a sense of what was going to happen. It was both unsettling and comforting, I was expecting to understand it in a way that it was with my fathers death when in fact its just like birth. No two are alike.
Yesterday when my youngest daughter Sam was leaving for the day she kissed my Moms cheek and left a lip print on her right cheek, Mom chuckled and said "she meant to do that" and so I went around and put one on her left cheek and said "there, evened you out". She laughted and asked me to take a picture. It's these moments that I treasure so much and want to hold onto forever. My sister will fly in for the last time to see Mom on Thursday night. I am going to get a good sleep tonight, it may be a long week ahead.
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| Mom April 29 2013 Lipstick Marks |
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| Mom April 29 2013 Kisses on both cheeks-Happy Mom |
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