Today my Mother has gone back to the hospital today. She has told me she is going to die. She has had so much fear around death up until now. Last night she told me she has been seeing my father lately. Mostly in her bed with his hands behind his head. When she looks right at him, he disappears. He is a younger version possibly in her 30's. At the time I asked her what he was there for and she said she did not know. Friday night she was getting worse looking and she said she called out for me four times in the night, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, which is weird since my Dad was the only one who called me by my formal name and I didn't hear her. I had my sleephones in so I likely would not have. However at 7:00 Saturday morning she called Sandra and I heard her and came running thinking she was on her deathbed calling me like that. So I went over to her in her chair and said "what's wrong"? She said "can you put that pink croc in the door"? I was a bit confused. I said, "you woke me up to ask me to put the pink croc in the door, which keeps the door from slamming and waking me up". She said " yes I guess I am". I had to laugh at that one, then put the pink croc in the door. She was struggling over the past few days. Her breathing and exhaustion increasingly difficult. I took her out for a walk in the wheelchair through the property. It was a beautiful day and we listened to the birds and looked at the rose bush I had given her a few years ago. We talked with some people but, she tried her best to enjoy herself but, it took all of her effort to even do that. She was a bit wobbly and I caught her a few times when she appeared to lose her balance. So, she was going to call for me if she needed to get up at night to go to the washroom. She moans and yells in her sleep so I kept waking up thinking she was calling me when in fact she was sleeping soundly when I went out. At 6:30am I heard her again and she was starting to sit up in bed. I went over to her and she said "I think I might need to go to the hospital". So I suggested we get her to the washroom and come sit down and talk about what is going on. It took some effort for her to do this and I gave her 3 puffers and she was able to talk. She decided in the end she wanted to go to the hospital so we called the managment and they called the paramedics and off she went. Her oxygen saturation was in the mid 70's. So, the paramedic mentioned the home oxygen sometimes is not as effective especially when the tubing is long. They put her on theirs and her sats. came up.
When I went to the hospital she told motioned for me to come in close, she had something to tell me. She told me about some important numbers I would need for after she dies. She was a bit teary and I asked her if she was planning on going somewhere? She nodded and indicated she was not going to make it out this time. She said she was tired and ready to die. She told me that she wanted my sister and I to divide her jewelry and she pointed to one ring that she said I should have, which looked the same as the other one on top of it to me but, it seemed important to her. She asked me to pay the telephone bill. I asked her if Dad was around because he was coming to get her, and she said "yes". I told her I would never be ready to say good-bye to her but I understood that she was tired and it was ok to go if she needed to. I put my head down on the rail and she saw a tear slide down my face and she wiped it and rubbed my head and gently told me "don't cry dear, I'm choosing this". I said "I know, it still is hard, and hard to see loved ones suffer". She understood and we just held hands for a bit. The doctor came in and talked with her about the Do Not Attempt to Resusitate order and she confirmed that was what she wanted. With the doctor, I shared Mom's fear about dying like my Dad did. He had lung cancer and died conscious and unable to breath. I asked if this was an appropriate time to talk with palliative care about end of life choices/care and the doctor said it was a great idea and she would refer and should have a consultation tomorrow. My daughter Racheal came in earlier in the evening and Mom looked at her face with such love and told her she loved her. It was like she was studying ever inch of her face. Remarked about her "kissy lips" and we had a laugh. I decided to leave after spending about 8 hours there and Mom said she would be in a private room like Dad was. I asked her about private coverage and she said she would be in a private room, that what they did. She did not want an "audience" which confused me a bit. Racheal checked with her after I left and Mom said she was not confused and she understood the hospital may not think she's dying but she thinks she's dying.
I asked her what sign she would give me to indicate it was her in the afterlife. She said to look for a hawk, then she said "look for two hawks, then you'll know that Dad and I are together again" I said "you must miss him alot" She said she did. I said "he's been waiting for you for a long time" She said " he has been waiting a long time" The selfish part of me hopes she can hang on longer, I want more time, the compassionate side knows that she is suffering and I pray for her release. It is not in my control so what is meant to be will come to be.
When I went to the hospital she told motioned for me to come in close, she had something to tell me. She told me about some important numbers I would need for after she dies. She was a bit teary and I asked her if she was planning on going somewhere? She nodded and indicated she was not going to make it out this time. She said she was tired and ready to die. She told me that she wanted my sister and I to divide her jewelry and she pointed to one ring that she said I should have, which looked the same as the other one on top of it to me but, it seemed important to her. She asked me to pay the telephone bill. I asked her if Dad was around because he was coming to get her, and she said "yes". I told her I would never be ready to say good-bye to her but I understood that she was tired and it was ok to go if she needed to. I put my head down on the rail and she saw a tear slide down my face and she wiped it and rubbed my head and gently told me "don't cry dear, I'm choosing this". I said "I know, it still is hard, and hard to see loved ones suffer". She understood and we just held hands for a bit. The doctor came in and talked with her about the Do Not Attempt to Resusitate order and she confirmed that was what she wanted. With the doctor, I shared Mom's fear about dying like my Dad did. He had lung cancer and died conscious and unable to breath. I asked if this was an appropriate time to talk with palliative care about end of life choices/care and the doctor said it was a great idea and she would refer and should have a consultation tomorrow. My daughter Racheal came in earlier in the evening and Mom looked at her face with such love and told her she loved her. It was like she was studying ever inch of her face. Remarked about her "kissy lips" and we had a laugh. I decided to leave after spending about 8 hours there and Mom said she would be in a private room like Dad was. I asked her about private coverage and she said she would be in a private room, that what they did. She did not want an "audience" which confused me a bit. Racheal checked with her after I left and Mom said she was not confused and she understood the hospital may not think she's dying but she thinks she's dying.
I asked her what sign she would give me to indicate it was her in the afterlife. She said to look for a hawk, then she said "look for two hawks, then you'll know that Dad and I are together again" I said "you must miss him alot" She said she did. I said "he's been waiting for you for a long time" She said " he has been waiting a long time" The selfish part of me hopes she can hang on longer, I want more time, the compassionate side knows that she is suffering and I pray for her release. It is not in my control so what is meant to be will come to be.
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