Releasing deep rooted negative energy-February 8, 2016

Had a great day at work today. Went to Olivias spiritual living for life class tonight. We talked about deep seated negative energy being in the body and how the same lessons continue to show up in our lives, disguised as the same lesson. We first meditated and connected with breath, then we connected with Creator and were directed to feel the pain of whatever we think it is we keep having issues with. As I thought about my past traumas and recent upset that common thread appeared to be losing any control and being vulnerable. Once I went into the meditation, it became apparent that my issue was feelings of being not good enough. We went into a deep meditation and connected with the divine universal energy and moved it through the chakras and removed much of the negative energy, with the help of Creator and infused lots of positive love. Through childhood issues, always the feeling of not measuring up, not being "good enough". Through my job loss, I know know the anxiety that came up was I thought I was not good enough and again....I know that I am good enough, and I always have been perfect in my creation.

It was described as the deep seated issue like a wart that has roots. You may appear to have gotten rid of it but, if you don't work through the process of removing every one of those lingering roots, part of it remains and can...and will resurface. It was very healing to work through and I am only just beginning.

Never stop growing-February 7, 2016

It has been an extremely challenging month. There are points in ones life that bring moments of clarity both pleasant and unpleasant. This is my life. With this awareness I have needed to really take an honest look at many areas of my life. You know how it goes, you're just going about life and something happens and it becomes clear that nothing is what you thought it was and some things I thought were working "ok" are an illusion and the glass house shatters. It's painful to work through these feelings and I am sitting in it, not avoiding it and not looking the other way. Staring it down.

Not for the faint of heart.

Initially with this realization I felt like someone died and reflecting over the past three weeks, something did die and although it's not a person, it's significant and painful to navigate through. There have been many losses over the past few years and some days that felt they were impossible to get through but, I always have and know that this is no exception. I know it's  important to grieve things when they come up. Now or later, it will continue to present itself if not dealt with and I am not prepared to drag out my suffering.

At least now I do not always feel this "death" like feeling although tonight it has crept back in. It's a heavy darkness and anxiety mixed with loss and a sprinkling of fear. However, for all the perceived negative, I have had some joyful moments coming back when I'm with my friends and safe in the fellowship. I felt more like myself last night at a meeting then I maybe ever have and that alone gives me a small thought of excitement at growth and moving forward.

It's kind of like giving birth. The pains come in waves and sometimes an easy contraction is followed by one that seems unbearable. At the end of the pain something beautiful emerges. A gift from the divine emerges and the love that arrives with this gift fills me to the core of my soul and I am changed forever. I know that the love comes from the divine and that is where all love comes from.

I know I need to spend time in solitude and crowds overwhelm me right now, so I am honouring what I need and accept that I cannot change anyone else, only me. This is my journey and I need to do the work. I have always been brave in the face of adversity and I have had my share and each time it has brought me to where I need to be. I trust that if I continue to do the next right thing, the right things will come into my life and things that no longer serve my higher purpose will be removed. Change is never easy, even good change can make me feel uncomfortable. As uncomfortable as change is, nothing is worse then being stuck where you don't fit.
I move forward with optimism, even though some darkness seeps in. I just ask to light to be directed into the wound where the darkness lingers.

Another milestone : January 19, 2016

I can't even begin to imagine where the past 17 years have gone. It seems like I blinked and this precious newborn is now nearly a grown man. He came into the world at 5:59am after an intense and short labour. The moment I looked into his face I could tell he was an old soul and would teach me far more then I could imagine.  I feel like we have been through many lifetimes together. It's not been an easy go for him but, he's beginning to find his footing and I just feel so blessed to have him. He is so much like me and I understand on a deep level some of what he goes through. Some days it's sheer torture to feel how unkind this world can be. The struggle is to be able to look through the pain and darkness and find the light. After all, we are just walking each other home.

Day 7/365 Gratitude for Racheal-January 7, 2016

Day7/365 of my gratitude challenge is for my daughter Racheal. She is such an expressive and loving person and is such a bright light in this world and I just love her tenacious spirit. Today she was at my place and gave me the best hug. I am so grateful that at 30 she can crawl into my lap and give me a heart to heart hug that made my day.

Gratitude Challenge. Day 5/365----Grateful for my siblings. January 5, 2016

Day 5/365 and I am grateful for my brother and sister. When I was moving some things around after the Christmas crush, I came across a thoughtful birthday present my sister made for me. She hand picked some fun times and many laughs and great moments we have had together over the years. While I sat and looked at it, it just made me smile, laugh and remember being in the moment and experiencing these treasures of the heart. We have has such meaningful adventures together and one of the best was to The Big White house hostel in Nelson BC. We travel well together and I hope we have many adventures ahead.

I also had a call from my brother today. He had been out west with his kids and grandkids for the holidays and was just returning my call. It was wonderful to touch base with him after so long and hear about how his family is doing. It's fun to watch my brother and sister in law with their Grandbabies. With both parents passed on, I am so grateful to have these special bonds in my life.

Day 4/365 Gratitude for Lesson-January 4, 2016

Day 4/365 my gratitude today is for lessons. If I knew all of the tough lessons that I would face in my life before they happened, I would have thought “no way, I can’t get through that” but, I have gotten through each one and every difficult challenge has brought beauty to my life in ways I could have never imagined. 5 years ago today my life was derailed professionally and I did not realize how much of my identity was wrapped up in “what I did”. After 3 days of being curled up in a ball a spiritual experience came to me and my faith returned and I remembered that “I get what I need” even if I don’t understand it at first. I trusted in the process and looked for the meaning within the experience. That lesson was meant as gift to me and immediately took me off the wrong path and set me about following the path I am still on now. When I ended up in college at the age of 48, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I love my life today and I am so grateful for the lessons that while painful at the time, are opportunities for growth. Gratitude for lesson.

365 Day Gratitude Challenge-Day 1 January 1, 2016

DAY 1/365 gratitude challenge. I am taking on a challenge to document gratitude each day for a full year.
This just will be something that will allow me to grow at an even deeper level and become more mindful of gratitude for all things big and small in life. Not only will I create something that allows me to profoundly changed my perspective on life, the act of doing it instilled in me a habit of choosing to see the positive over the negative. I hope by witnessing me take the time every day to record, without fail, something worth appreciating, someone else struggling will find hope and begin find beauty in the difficult times in their own daily lives.

Today I am grateful for love. All kinds of love. Love that surrounds me and I feel and receive. Love that becomes deeper due to struggles that it overcomes. Love that see's past human imperfections. Love for my life partner. Love for my children. Love for my friends both long term and others that have passed my path for only a moment but, have touched me with their love. Love for my pet. Love for my family members. Love for those that have died but left love as their legacy. Love from the food and water that sustains me. Love from nature that surrounds me.Ultimate love that is from something deep inside each and every one of us~ that originates from Creator. This feeling of love we remember deep in our soul and drives us to do many things-often destructive trying to find what is missing. Drugs, relationships, thrill seeking behaviors when in reality there is nothing external that can fill this empty space but, we can find it from within if we are willing to do the work.
It's a journey and why is often called the journey from within. As is often said we are all just walking each other home. We are.
With gratitude for love.