Birthdays, Sunshine and Grief-March 10 2013

Today is my youngest daughters birthday. Samantha is 21 years old at 11:59pm. She came into the world about a week early weighing 8lbs 7oz after a short but intense labour. All of the other children plus my mother in law were there. She was posterior so when she came out she was all bruised up by my pelvic bones when she rotated from posterior to anterior. My 3rd son and 4th child Tyler had his 25 birthday on March 7 so we will celebrate both together. He was 1 day early born at 5:13pm also weighed 8lbs 7oz and I had a flu when I delivered him so he was in some distress and passed meconium prior to birth. Once I pushed him out they suctioned him out and had to resusitate him however, he perked right up and was perfect. As soon as I delivered him I could feel the fever start to drop so I told them to hold off on the antibiotics as I could feel the heat leave me. I was fine after that, just the normal post birth and post flu fatigue. I am a lucky Mom for sure.

My mother home for 1 day now is going to have some challenges ahead of her. She coughed and did not sleep well last night. My brother stayed the night with her and I had 2 phone calls about her medication needs. One last night at 10:30 and the other this morning at 9:15am. She seemed alarmed at the thought of being home alone after my brother left at noon and my daughter came around dinnertime. How she thinks that she will be able to be on her own for any nights is puzzling. Mom is not able to articulate honestly what she wants and needs to all of her children. She tries to people please, especially with my brother. She often sides with him against her daughters and I do not think she understand how to have the kind of  relationships I have with my own daughters. We talk about all things honestly and openly. If someone thinks another is my being congruent they are called out. We don't always say what the other wants to hear but, what they need to hear. It beautiful and honest and real. My sister and my girls are exactly what I would picture in a perfect world, and I'm living it, how lucky am I?

My older daughter is ready to go spend the night with my mother. I am so grateful to have such loving giving kids. My brother called me on his drive home and indicated he did not think Mom would survive to get to Fairview Lodge. It has me thinking about life without Mom and it's incredibly sad and unbelievable to me to think that my own Mother will not be here anymore. I'm not sure if there is anything left to help her complete her journey. This is really the first time I feel the immediate nearness of her death. As with my father I feel conflicted between the difficulty of her suffering and the connection I have with her and how sad it will be to not have her, as imperfect as our relationship is, it has been a dominant one in my life and shaped who I have become. I feel that I am beginning to grieve and think about how my life will be without her and that makes me feel the loss already.

Light and Dark March 9 2013

Light because it is a beautiful sunny warm winter day. Dark because I'm tired and emotionally exhausted. Light because my mother came home from the hospital today. Dark because she is getting worse. I always think that my integrity is the one thing I pride myself on. I always try to do the right thing. A relative of mine questioned something so absurd today that I am beyond comprehension. How anyone could ever think even for a split second that I would take advantage of a situation with a vulnerable person.-Dark Through my program I have been able to understand that there are some people who do not contribute in a positive way, I can  choose to  remove myself from negative situations and people.-Light

Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Coming out in worse shape then she went in.-Dark She had a fall in the wee hours of the morning yesterday and split open her leg. She is lucky it could have been much worse. Nothing broken.-Light I have to go pick her medication and drop it back to her shortly. Doing a midnight shift tomorrow night at my new job at the shelter. I am looking forward to getting some semblance of my life back.-Light

Moms Legs after 2 weeks in the hospital

Winter is coming to a close-March 8 2013



 A Happy Day With Mom

 The snow is melting, the birds are busy and singing and it's quite warm today. Spring is in the air. The past few weeks have been busy. Mom's health has not improved. They have done most of what can be done for her in the hospital so tomorrow she will be discharged and we'll see what happens. She has decided to go into long term care and she wants to go to Fairview Lodge in Whitby. She volunteered there for decades as a younger woman and always said she wanted there eventually. Her skin is so easily bruised and thin. Her ankles are so swollen and her breathing so laboured. They have found some spots in her lungs that are labelled as a "possible malignancy" and she has so many fractures in her back from osteoporosis I do not know how she is standing up. My goal at this point is to provide comfort, have quality of life remaining and help her find some sense of completion and closure so she can be at peace.

Between Life and Death-March 2, 2013

That is how I feel my mom is right now. Drifting closer to being a child-yet an adult and still fully aware. She has been in hospital for over a week now. When she went in it was only supportive care for her COPD, nothing more. Since she was admitted to hospital she has developed pneumonia and severe edema of the legs and feet, and has developed an open wound on her leg due to the edema has swelled so far it's pressing and a wound exploded out our the side of her leg. She is not moving her bowels, no appetitite, progressive swelling, feeling unwell, breathing not improving despite treatments. I had to go in and advocate for my mom to stay in hospital. I felt they wanted to bully us into saying 'sure we'll do what ever you say.... not. I knew I had to stand strong for mom and told them I understood they were just doing their job to get people discharged and out so new people can get in, but my job was to advocate for my mother" It was empowering and exhausting both at the same time. Although I know I am not, I feel alone and overwhelmed sometimes but I know I never get more then I can handle. It's just an accumlation of events that make me feel this way. I had two big assignments at school due last week, on the job training, cleaning and ongoing job hunting, responsibilites at home and with people that I support, which for the most part are positive and blessings, they still require energy. Today was just exhausting and I must gather energy or risk setting myself back and I won't be any good to anyone. First thing was my husband told me we had mice in the basement. He caught three in traps. I do not like mice. I was suppose to be volunteering at the donation centre for my monthly shift with my partner. I forgot and put off cancelling my shift until Friday morning and never heard back from the coordinator so I figured maybe she was sick or off and not there. I thought I had better go in the morning since it wasn't fair to my partner not to show up and a safety issue to leave her on her own. When I got there one of my clients from my placement was there and waiting to see me. She is doing much better and had lots to tell me. Then my Mom called and said that she was being kept in until at least Tuesday. They had found a spot on her lung and needed to investigate that further with a CT. Since I knew she wasn't waiting on me to either try and keep her in or drive her home I stayed for my shift and went over after. She is not looking better, very tired, no appetite. I stayed for 3 hours and gave her a foot rub, she finds it very relaxing. When I leave I wonder if that is the last time I will see her. I am mixed about that thought. I'm not ready to say good-bye to her but I cannot stand to see her suffer so much, it is just so emotionally draining to see her like this but at the same time it is an honour to care for someone that is at the end of their life.
 When I got home the washing machine had broken and overflowed, and the dryer wasn't working. There were soaking wet clothes in the dryer. My son thinking he was handling the situation by mopping up the water he saw and putting the clothes in the dryer, made the dryer overwork and stop. I cleaned up the water that was pooling again, made sure my son had a ride to hockey practice and went out to get some bread and milk and gas, so I would not have to do that in the morning when I left for an early hockey game. Came upstairs had a little emotional breakdown and lay down for a minute. I got a text from my friend Gail who asked me if I was coming to the A.A. dance tonight. I said "no, I just got back from the hospital, my mother has a spot on her lung, my washer and dryer broke down, I had a small flood in my laundry room, I have mice in my basement and I'm going to clean and go to bed to wait for the new day to arrive". She was on my doorstop within 10 minutes. She took my soaking wet laundry plus a few things I needed washed, home to wash and dry and bring back. It was just what I needed, someone to take care of me without direction. She only stayed for a few minutes and it gave me what I needed to continue. I cleaned everything out of the laundry room so my husband could fix it when he came home, then vacummed the house. Being so busy all week I had just thrown this here and that there not even made my bed all week. It was driving me crazy so, I felt the need to organize and take control of something that I had control over. My kids are going to see her tomorrow so I think I will take the day away from the hospital unless something changes. My son's birthday party is late tomorrow so I want to decorate the house and celebrate his birth and all of the joy life has to offer, even when difficult times creep in. I know that once I rest for a day I will have the strength I need to continue on and do whatever I need to do.
~We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.  ~Author Unknown

Snow and February Yeahhhsss! February 11 2013

Sam and Taylor

We got our first big snow in 5 years a few days ago. After we dug out we spent the week-end sledding with our family. Saturday I babysat my grandson Jack who is 2. He is so sweet and is talking so much. He reminds me to live in the moment and slow down to enjoy what is going on right now. I brought him back to my place and we went to the park and hill near our house. When I dropped him off he said "I don't want Grammy to go". Made my heart sing. Then yesterday we did a long overdue birthday cake for Christians birthday which was January 19. We met at a bigger tobogan hill and Justin brought my other grandson Taylor who is almost 5 and granddaugter Cassandra who is 7 1/2. Along with me and my daughter Sam who is 20 and my husband and of course Christian who is now 14. Had some smooth runs down the hill and some not so smooth runs down the hill. Came back to the house and had some food and laughs and cake after. Racheal came in after school. She did some accupuncture work on me for my sore foot. She put in needles in my head, arm, knee, ankle and the soft part of my foot. She warned me that it would sore on the bottom of my foot and she was right. I think it's possible I may have a break in it. When Ramya came to our house to live back first of October we were moving some things around to give her room and she decided that the big bookcase was not required and she needed more closet space so she moved the big bookcase into hall and when I came out my room and turned to go down the stairs I nailed it so hard with the outside of my left foot. I ended up dropping and rolling around holding it for a while before I could walk on it. It hurt for a good week and started to improve. I hit it a few more times over the month and it would really hurt again. Eventually it seemed to improve. After Christmas Sam bought the WII game "just dance" and I dance and danced for several hours without my shoes on and my foot hurt when I got up the next day and it has not improved, in fact gotten worse. I can't go without my orthodics and wear my birkenstocks around the house now. Otherwise it's so sore I can barely walk. I have to wonder if I had a break and just aggravated it when I danced. Going to see how the next week goes and maybe hit the doctors. Still waiting to hear when I go in for training for my new job. Probably next week.

Justin and Sam after the crash

Jack and me at the park

Cassandra at the hill

Lots of Snow!

5475 days or 15 years of sobriety- January 27, 2013

Today is the anniversary of 15 years of sobriety. It really is just another 24 hours but sometimes these dates can be landmarks that cause one to look back and reflect. I remember the day my "new" life began on January 27 1998. It was a Tuesday and my father had paid me a visit to "talk" about my drinking and his concerns. The days leading up to this day I had tapered it down so I could avoid the withdrawl and the terrible hangovers. I had decided that this was the day I was walking back through the doors of A.A. and I've not looked back. I told my dad this and that I was just heading out to the womens closed group discusssion. 14 years ago he was proudly at my 1 year medallion and that was his last year of life. He died about 5 months later. I know he is happy I found this way of life we discussed it prior to his death.
To spend my day it turned out to be interesting. After my sons hockey game I went to a spirit wellness conference. I ran into so many people that I have not seen in years. One Native man named Rick. 8 or so years ago he spoke at my group and he had this white aura around his head and he came back a year or so later the aura got to be so intense it was like looking through a fog. So weird and I told him about it the second time. Haven't seen him around in many years and very recently I have been wondering what happened to him. I told hy oldest daughter about this oddity and so when I ran into him yesterday she clued right in and said "oh you're the foggy guy" and we all had a good laugh. I probably have 2 weeks before I start at my new job at the shelter in Bowmanville so I will enjoy the down time while I can and keep working a few days a week at the cleaning. Life it good.

Jobs, Birthdays, and living the good life-January 21 2013

We have hit our first cold snap of the winter. It's about minus 8 out today and going down to minus 16 or so tonight and cold like that all week. That's ok, it's Canada and its winter. I'm still job hunting and waiting to hear back from a good job interview I had last week and I'm going to follow up on one I want to get an interview with. The job posting ends on Friday so I'll get hold of them Thursday maybe and try to secure an interview. Other then that I'm working about 3 days with my daughter cleaning and it's hard on the old body but an honest living. My husband starts his new job tomorrow and it is exciting for him to have a new venture. Self employment has its benefits but it can be isolating and a pressure cooker. I am happy for him having this new opportunity. I know he will do exceptional in this role. Right now it's not so challenging since my hours are not excessive and I'm home for Christian much of the time but if I start shift work it may become more problematic. We'll deal with it one day at a time. Speaking of which I have 4 sponsees now. Three of them have mediallions coming up. One this week and one next month, the other has a 20 year next month. My newest is still in treatment. I am leaning so much from them about setting healthy boundaries. I saw my Mom this morning and she looks great. Even better then before she was sick. Still uses the oxygen--but rarely, is being careful about germs, some might say paranoid, but she has good reason to be careful of germs. I look at her life and feel like it's full of fear, fear of getting sick, fear of germs, fear of death. However, I did see another side of her when she told me about the DNR order and she is coming to terms in her own way. I feel free to accept and love her just the way she is now. My son Christian turned 14 on January 19. It's impossible to me that it's been that long but it is. In 5 years we could be empty nesters!!!! We went over to my oldests house to celebrate with his family yesterday. We had so much fun with them. The children are such a joy! My father would have been 84 today had he not died 13 1/2 year ago. He would have loved these little ones. I'm sure he is, just in a different way.