That is how I feel my mom is right now. Drifting closer to being a child-yet an adult and still fully aware. She has been in hospital for over a week now. When she went in it was only supportive care for her COPD, nothing more. Since she was admitted to hospital she has developed pneumonia and severe edema of the legs and feet, and has developed an open wound on her leg due to the edema has swelled so far it's pressing and a wound exploded out our the side of her leg. She is not moving her bowels, no appetitite, progressive swelling, feeling unwell, breathing not improving despite treatments. I had to go in and advocate for my mom to stay in hospital. I felt they wanted to bully us into saying 'sure we'll do what ever you say.... not. I knew I had to stand strong for mom and told them I understood they were just doing their job to get people discharged and out so new people can get in, but my job was to advocate for my mother" It was empowering and exhausting both at the same time. Although I know I am not, I feel alone and overwhelmed sometimes but I know I never get more then I can handle. It's just an accumlation of events that make me feel this way. I had two big assignments at school due last week, on the job training, cleaning and ongoing job hunting, responsibilites at home and with people that I support, which for the most part are positive and blessings, they still require energy. Today was just exhausting and I must gather energy or risk setting myself back and I won't be any good to anyone. First thing was my husband told me we had mice in the basement. He caught three in traps. I do not like mice. I was suppose to be volunteering at the donation centre for my monthly shift with my partner. I forgot and put off cancelling my shift until Friday morning and never heard back from the coordinator so I figured maybe she was sick or off and not there. I thought I had better go in the morning since it wasn't fair to my partner not to show up and a safety issue to leave her on her own. When I got there one of my clients from my placement was there and waiting to see me. She is doing much better and had lots to tell me. Then my Mom called and said that she was being kept in until at least Tuesday. They had found a spot on her lung and needed to investigate that further with a CT. Since I knew she wasn't waiting on me to either try and keep her in or drive her home I stayed for my shift and went over after. She is not looking better, very tired, no appetite. I stayed for 3 hours and gave her a foot rub, she finds it very relaxing. When I leave I wonder if that is the last time I will see her. I am mixed about that thought. I'm not ready to say good-bye to her but I cannot stand to see her suffer so much, it is just so emotionally draining to see her like this but at the same time it is an honour to care for someone that is at the end of their life.
When I got home the washing machine had broken and overflowed, and the dryer wasn't working. There were soaking wet clothes in the dryer. My son thinking he was handling the situation by mopping up the water he saw and putting the clothes in the dryer, made the dryer overwork and stop. I cleaned up the water that was pooling again, made sure my son had a ride to hockey practice and went out to get some bread and milk and gas, so I would not have to do that in the morning when I left for an early hockey game. Came upstairs had a little emotional breakdown and lay down for a minute. I got a text from my friend Gail who asked me if I was coming to the A.A. dance tonight. I said "no, I just got back from the hospital, my mother has a spot on her lung, my washer and dryer broke down, I had a small flood in my laundry room, I have mice in my basement and I'm going to clean and go to bed to wait for the new day to arrive". She was on my doorstop within 10 minutes. She took my soaking wet laundry plus a few things I needed washed, home to wash and dry and bring back. It was just what I needed, someone to take care of me without direction. She only stayed for a few minutes and it gave me what I needed to continue. I cleaned everything out of the laundry room so my husband could fix it when he came home, then vacummed the house. Being so busy all week I had just thrown this here and that there not even made my bed all week. It was driving me crazy so, I felt the need to organize and take control of something that I had control over. My kids are going to see her tomorrow so I think I will take the day away from the hospital unless something changes. My son's birthday party is late tomorrow so I want to decorate the house and celebrate his birth and all of the joy life has to offer, even when difficult times creep in. I know that once I rest for a day I will have the strength I need to continue on and do whatever I need to do.
~We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~Author Unknown
When I got home the washing machine had broken and overflowed, and the dryer wasn't working. There were soaking wet clothes in the dryer. My son thinking he was handling the situation by mopping up the water he saw and putting the clothes in the dryer, made the dryer overwork and stop. I cleaned up the water that was pooling again, made sure my son had a ride to hockey practice and went out to get some bread and milk and gas, so I would not have to do that in the morning when I left for an early hockey game. Came upstairs had a little emotional breakdown and lay down for a minute. I got a text from my friend Gail who asked me if I was coming to the A.A. dance tonight. I said "no, I just got back from the hospital, my mother has a spot on her lung, my washer and dryer broke down, I had a small flood in my laundry room, I have mice in my basement and I'm going to clean and go to bed to wait for the new day to arrive". She was on my doorstop within 10 minutes. She took my soaking wet laundry plus a few things I needed washed, home to wash and dry and bring back. It was just what I needed, someone to take care of me without direction. She only stayed for a few minutes and it gave me what I needed to continue. I cleaned everything out of the laundry room so my husband could fix it when he came home, then vacummed the house. Being so busy all week I had just thrown this here and that there not even made my bed all week. It was driving me crazy so, I felt the need to organize and take control of something that I had control over. My kids are going to see her tomorrow so I think I will take the day away from the hospital unless something changes. My son's birthday party is late tomorrow so I want to decorate the house and celebrate his birth and all of the joy life has to offer, even when difficult times creep in. I know that once I rest for a day I will have the strength I need to continue on and do whatever I need to do.
~We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~Author Unknown
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