Today is my youngest daughters birthday. Samantha is 21 years old at 11:59pm. She came into the world about a week early weighing 8lbs 7oz after a short but intense labour. All of the other children plus my mother in law were there. She was posterior so when she came out she was all bruised up by my pelvic bones when she rotated from posterior to anterior. My 3rd son and 4th child Tyler had his 25 birthday on March 7 so we will celebrate both together. He was 1 day early born at 5:13pm also weighed 8lbs 7oz and I had a flu when I delivered him so he was in some distress and passed meconium prior to birth. Once I pushed him out they suctioned him out and had to resusitate him however, he perked right up and was perfect. As soon as I delivered him I could feel the fever start to drop so I told them to hold off on the antibiotics as I could feel the heat leave me. I was fine after that, just the normal post birth and post flu fatigue. I am a lucky Mom for sure.
My mother home for 1 day now is going to have some challenges ahead of her. She coughed and did not sleep well last night. My brother stayed the night with her and I had 2 phone calls about her medication needs. One last night at 10:30 and the other this morning at 9:15am. She seemed alarmed at the thought of being home alone after my brother left at noon and my daughter came around dinnertime. How she thinks that she will be able to be on her own for any nights is puzzling. Mom is not able to articulate honestly what she wants and needs to all of her children. She tries to people please, especially with my brother. She often sides with him against her daughters and I do not think she understand how to have the kind of relationships I have with my own daughters. We talk about all things honestly and openly. If someone thinks another is my being congruent they are called out. We don't always say what the other wants to hear but, what they need to hear. It beautiful and honest and real. My sister and my girls are exactly what I would picture in a perfect world, and I'm living it, how lucky am I?
My older daughter is ready to go spend the night with my mother. I am so grateful to have such loving giving kids. My brother called me on his drive home and indicated he did not think Mom would survive to get to Fairview Lodge. It has me thinking about life without Mom and it's incredibly sad and unbelievable to me to think that my own Mother will not be here anymore. I'm not sure if there is anything left to help her complete her journey. This is really the first time I feel the immediate nearness of her death. As with my father I feel conflicted between the difficulty of her suffering and the connection I have with her and how sad it will be to not have her, as imperfect as our relationship is, it has been a dominant one in my life and shaped who I have become. I feel that I am beginning to grieve and think about how my life will be without her and that makes me feel the loss already.
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