Just another Sunny Monday-March 25, 2013

Well it has been a busy few days. I finished up my training at the shelter and final interview and am on the schedule to be called. I attended my first staff meeting and really like the team. It appears some postings will be coming up in the near future so, I feel optimistic about working with this team.
Mom has been up and down a bit as well. I had two nights at home in a row. My son Shawn went in Friday and daughter Anu went in Saturday. I was there through the day but it was nice to sleep at home and actually have a bit of relaxation on Saturday night and Sunday morning. Usually I schedule people to be with Mom when I am unavailable re: busy with something else I need to do. So it was nice to have nothing I had to do and feel a bit recharged. We went to my older daughters for dinner and my husband Will took photos of her house that is going up for sale soon. Then back to Moms. She has not slept great in three nights now. Said she was up peeing all night last night. I only heard her once. I slept like a log and did not surface until 8:15 at which point she was napping again. She does not look great to me today. Yesterday she looked good. Today she's coughing alot more, sounds "wet" like fluid in her lungs in up a bit and she is tired looking. Napping lots. She is also much more vocal in her sleep. Usually she has little "screams" or "yelps" as she sleeps. Today she was having conversations. I came out to ask her who she was talking to and she was sleeping. Anyhow, I have come home to have lunch with my son and get some chores done here. I have a meeting with the palliative care team that I did volunteer training with and I have clean to do tonight. Other then that it is warming up out there and beautiful bright sunshine. It was a lovely red sunset last night.

Pulled in all directions-March 22, 2013

That is how I feel right now. I need to be in several places at the same time. My mother is not doing very well and now her place is on lock down due to a flu-like illness that over 70 people have gotten. My mother would have me there 24/7 and that is not realistic. I' m finished my training at the shelter so I am eligible to get shifts now. It's quite a bit of work to just organize everything. I feel like I'm not being a good mom to my 14 year old son. yes he is older but, he still needs a mother.Actually do not think anyone actually understands what it is this all involves. I would not be anywere else but, it's a full time job. My son Shawn staying with her tonight and I can have Anusha stay Sat. which I might. Tired now so off to dreamland before my staff meeting from 10-12 tomorrow

Tears and Laughter-March 13, 2013

A couple of crazy hectic days behind me. I sleep at moms last night for the second night and slept pretty well. Had coffee with her then I had to get moving to work. Yesterday I needed to research beds for her, go to my palliative care meeting, go to Dr.Maleks on behalf of her, go to drug store for her and do her banking and then come back and discuss it all with her before I went home to have dinner and get some supper before running off to school and then coming back to her place . When I came back from running around mid-afternoon she first decided on the bed she wanted, got that ordered. Went over some of the results and pushed her to make appointment with Dr. Ross to get the broncoscopy done. Dr. Malek seems to feel that she might have cancer. Due to her hemoglobin being at 91 when it should be abut 130, for no reason. Her progressive weakness, respiratory troubles, pains in her back and the spot on her extras. So sad for sure. She had a rough day yesterday, looked weak, lots of coughing and some emotional breakdown/breakthrough with the frustration and sadness of her situation, we were both pretty tired last night. I curled up in my corner, pretty cozy actually. Night temperature with a slight coolness coming from the door and I put some more padding on my mattress. I'm quite comfortable. I woke up in the night, not sure from what so I looked in the chair and no Mom, so I looked in the bed, no Mom. Went back to the chair, thought I had missed her in the dark but, no. Finally I called for her and she was in the dark bathroom, lit only by a night light. Not sure if she didn't hear me padding around looking for her but we had a laugh anyhow. She looked better today, said she was bored even. My daughters were in to see her for a bit and a friend from the retirement home dropped in as well. My brother is coming in tonight for 4 nights to help move the sofa out to make room for the bed and spend some time with Mom. I actually am looking forward to getting back to her place next week. I always said I wanted my own place, it's not quite that but it's where I need to be right now. We've decided that my daughter Racheal will spend each Wednesday night there so somehow we're going to make it all work. My dear friend dropped off a wheelchair today for my Mom to use. It looks brand new and I am off to a meeting tonight.  I am grateful to have such dear people in my life.

Birthdays, Sunshine and Grief-March 10 2013

Today is my youngest daughters birthday. Samantha is 21 years old at 11:59pm. She came into the world about a week early weighing 8lbs 7oz after a short but intense labour. All of the other children plus my mother in law were there. She was posterior so when she came out she was all bruised up by my pelvic bones when she rotated from posterior to anterior. My 3rd son and 4th child Tyler had his 25 birthday on March 7 so we will celebrate both together. He was 1 day early born at 5:13pm also weighed 8lbs 7oz and I had a flu when I delivered him so he was in some distress and passed meconium prior to birth. Once I pushed him out they suctioned him out and had to resusitate him however, he perked right up and was perfect. As soon as I delivered him I could feel the fever start to drop so I told them to hold off on the antibiotics as I could feel the heat leave me. I was fine after that, just the normal post birth and post flu fatigue. I am a lucky Mom for sure.

My mother home for 1 day now is going to have some challenges ahead of her. She coughed and did not sleep well last night. My brother stayed the night with her and I had 2 phone calls about her medication needs. One last night at 10:30 and the other this morning at 9:15am. She seemed alarmed at the thought of being home alone after my brother left at noon and my daughter came around dinnertime. How she thinks that she will be able to be on her own for any nights is puzzling. Mom is not able to articulate honestly what she wants and needs to all of her children. She tries to people please, especially with my brother. She often sides with him against her daughters and I do not think she understand how to have the kind of  relationships I have with my own daughters. We talk about all things honestly and openly. If someone thinks another is my being congruent they are called out. We don't always say what the other wants to hear but, what they need to hear. It beautiful and honest and real. My sister and my girls are exactly what I would picture in a perfect world, and I'm living it, how lucky am I?

My older daughter is ready to go spend the night with my mother. I am so grateful to have such loving giving kids. My brother called me on his drive home and indicated he did not think Mom would survive to get to Fairview Lodge. It has me thinking about life without Mom and it's incredibly sad and unbelievable to me to think that my own Mother will not be here anymore. I'm not sure if there is anything left to help her complete her journey. This is really the first time I feel the immediate nearness of her death. As with my father I feel conflicted between the difficulty of her suffering and the connection I have with her and how sad it will be to not have her, as imperfect as our relationship is, it has been a dominant one in my life and shaped who I have become. I feel that I am beginning to grieve and think about how my life will be without her and that makes me feel the loss already.

Light and Dark March 9 2013

Light because it is a beautiful sunny warm winter day. Dark because I'm tired and emotionally exhausted. Light because my mother came home from the hospital today. Dark because she is getting worse. I always think that my integrity is the one thing I pride myself on. I always try to do the right thing. A relative of mine questioned something so absurd today that I am beyond comprehension. How anyone could ever think even for a split second that I would take advantage of a situation with a vulnerable person.-Dark Through my program I have been able to understand that there are some people who do not contribute in a positive way, I can  choose to  remove myself from negative situations and people.-Light

Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Coming out in worse shape then she went in.-Dark She had a fall in the wee hours of the morning yesterday and split open her leg. She is lucky it could have been much worse. Nothing broken.-Light I have to go pick her medication and drop it back to her shortly. Doing a midnight shift tomorrow night at my new job at the shelter. I am looking forward to getting some semblance of my life back.-Light

Moms Legs after 2 weeks in the hospital

Winter is coming to a close-March 8 2013



 A Happy Day With Mom

 The snow is melting, the birds are busy and singing and it's quite warm today. Spring is in the air. The past few weeks have been busy. Mom's health has not improved. They have done most of what can be done for her in the hospital so tomorrow she will be discharged and we'll see what happens. She has decided to go into long term care and she wants to go to Fairview Lodge in Whitby. She volunteered there for decades as a younger woman and always said she wanted there eventually. Her skin is so easily bruised and thin. Her ankles are so swollen and her breathing so laboured. They have found some spots in her lungs that are labelled as a "possible malignancy" and she has so many fractures in her back from osteoporosis I do not know how she is standing up. My goal at this point is to provide comfort, have quality of life remaining and help her find some sense of completion and closure so she can be at peace.

Between Life and Death-March 2, 2013

That is how I feel my mom is right now. Drifting closer to being a child-yet an adult and still fully aware. She has been in hospital for over a week now. When she went in it was only supportive care for her COPD, nothing more. Since she was admitted to hospital she has developed pneumonia and severe edema of the legs and feet, and has developed an open wound on her leg due to the edema has swelled so far it's pressing and a wound exploded out our the side of her leg. She is not moving her bowels, no appetitite, progressive swelling, feeling unwell, breathing not improving despite treatments. I had to go in and advocate for my mom to stay in hospital. I felt they wanted to bully us into saying 'sure we'll do what ever you say.... not. I knew I had to stand strong for mom and told them I understood they were just doing their job to get people discharged and out so new people can get in, but my job was to advocate for my mother" It was empowering and exhausting both at the same time. Although I know I am not, I feel alone and overwhelmed sometimes but I know I never get more then I can handle. It's just an accumlation of events that make me feel this way. I had two big assignments at school due last week, on the job training, cleaning and ongoing job hunting, responsibilites at home and with people that I support, which for the most part are positive and blessings, they still require energy. Today was just exhausting and I must gather energy or risk setting myself back and I won't be any good to anyone. First thing was my husband told me we had mice in the basement. He caught three in traps. I do not like mice. I was suppose to be volunteering at the donation centre for my monthly shift with my partner. I forgot and put off cancelling my shift until Friday morning and never heard back from the coordinator so I figured maybe she was sick or off and not there. I thought I had better go in the morning since it wasn't fair to my partner not to show up and a safety issue to leave her on her own. When I got there one of my clients from my placement was there and waiting to see me. She is doing much better and had lots to tell me. Then my Mom called and said that she was being kept in until at least Tuesday. They had found a spot on her lung and needed to investigate that further with a CT. Since I knew she wasn't waiting on me to either try and keep her in or drive her home I stayed for my shift and went over after. She is not looking better, very tired, no appetite. I stayed for 3 hours and gave her a foot rub, she finds it very relaxing. When I leave I wonder if that is the last time I will see her. I am mixed about that thought. I'm not ready to say good-bye to her but I cannot stand to see her suffer so much, it is just so emotionally draining to see her like this but at the same time it is an honour to care for someone that is at the end of their life.
 When I got home the washing machine had broken and overflowed, and the dryer wasn't working. There were soaking wet clothes in the dryer. My son thinking he was handling the situation by mopping up the water he saw and putting the clothes in the dryer, made the dryer overwork and stop. I cleaned up the water that was pooling again, made sure my son had a ride to hockey practice and went out to get some bread and milk and gas, so I would not have to do that in the morning when I left for an early hockey game. Came upstairs had a little emotional breakdown and lay down for a minute. I got a text from my friend Gail who asked me if I was coming to the A.A. dance tonight. I said "no, I just got back from the hospital, my mother has a spot on her lung, my washer and dryer broke down, I had a small flood in my laundry room, I have mice in my basement and I'm going to clean and go to bed to wait for the new day to arrive". She was on my doorstop within 10 minutes. She took my soaking wet laundry plus a few things I needed washed, home to wash and dry and bring back. It was just what I needed, someone to take care of me without direction. She only stayed for a few minutes and it gave me what I needed to continue. I cleaned everything out of the laundry room so my husband could fix it when he came home, then vacummed the house. Being so busy all week I had just thrown this here and that there not even made my bed all week. It was driving me crazy so, I felt the need to organize and take control of something that I had control over. My kids are going to see her tomorrow so I think I will take the day away from the hospital unless something changes. My son's birthday party is late tomorrow so I want to decorate the house and celebrate his birth and all of the joy life has to offer, even when difficult times creep in. I know that once I rest for a day I will have the strength I need to continue on and do whatever I need to do.
~We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way.  ~Author Unknown