End of a full week: Sunday April 21 2013

It has been a jam packed week. I started the week off at my mothers last Monday morning and it has been non stop since then. She was looking very good and seemed to be in good spirits. My sister flew in from B.C. and arrived at Moms around midnight that night; for a few nights. Tuesday we started with the clean out. We packed up about a dozen bags of clothes and other things that Mom had in her place and needed to weed out as she began to downsize in preparation to go to long term care. She loved the whole process and had a great time watching us sort through all of her clothes and costume jewelry. My 21 year old daughter came over and we had lots of laughs. I took the bags home and all of the girls went through everything and I packed the remaining 7 or so bags up and took them to a shelter for donation on Wednesday. After that, I met up with my brother and sister to tour one of the long term care places. It was not what we were looking for but gave us some idea of what we were looking at and for. That night I had my 15 year sobriety medallion. I had not expected my Mom to attend but, she surprised me and was there when I arrived. I know how much it took for her to do that so I was very appreciative and felt her support and love. It was quite amazing to have all of my children even my daughter who had surgery that morning, my son in law, 2 of my grandchildren, my brother and sister and my mother there in the front rows. I was overwhelmed with the support of the people who attended and had not expected the amount of people that showed up. It was intimidating when I got up to the front at the end and saw the amount of people that were there. I am not comfortable being in the limelight at all, this was no exception but I  absolutely felt the love and care from others that night however, I am happy to have it done.
I dropped by Moms on the way home and the next morning on Thursday, my sister left to see her son and grandchild in Kingston and my brother and I toured a few homes. It was a tiring day and I was glad to be done with it. I suppose it was more tiring because I was still being "Mom" at home and keeping up most of my usual duties in addition, and it was emotionally draining as well. Friday came and that was my Moms 77th birthday. I made a cake for Mom and I had to work the car dealership that night so went over around 9. She was exhausted from her busy week and an outing that night to the food court and pub night downstairs. She looked really off to me when I saw her that night. We talked about her living situation and made some decisions and off I went. Saturday morning we took her to view one last place to utilize in the interim of waiting and I got called into work a 3-11:30 shift. At this shift I met up with two staff that became instant friends and I connected with one on a soul level that I know will be a unique relationship. Worked another one today and I'm getting ready to head back to her place for the night.
Everything is as it should be and I am grateful to be where I am right now.

Mom: April 20, 2013. notice the pink crocs which are the only shoes that I could get on her swollen feet

Saturday April 6, 2013

Well, Mom is back in the hospital as of yesterday. I had stayed the night and had to work for the shelter from 9-4 so I left her place to come home and get ready at 7:15. I asked her how she was and she said good, she said she had a good sleep. However, by 8:00 the retirement home called and said they had called the ambulance. She had some breathing difficulties and started shaking and didn't want her food. I think she just had an anxiety attack possibly with a bit too much carbon dioxide build up in her blood that caused some frightening symptoms. She was admitted for about 10 days. I'm pretty tired today but, the good news is that I don't have anything I have to do tonight. I feel a bit alone and not supported in all of this right now and that is not a good place for me to be. It is difficult to see through all of this to the other side right now and I have faith that I will make good decisions.

Just another Sunny Monday-March 25, 2013

Well it has been a busy few days. I finished up my training at the shelter and final interview and am on the schedule to be called. I attended my first staff meeting and really like the team. It appears some postings will be coming up in the near future so, I feel optimistic about working with this team.
Mom has been up and down a bit as well. I had two nights at home in a row. My son Shawn went in Friday and daughter Anu went in Saturday. I was there through the day but it was nice to sleep at home and actually have a bit of relaxation on Saturday night and Sunday morning. Usually I schedule people to be with Mom when I am unavailable re: busy with something else I need to do. So it was nice to have nothing I had to do and feel a bit recharged. We went to my older daughters for dinner and my husband Will took photos of her house that is going up for sale soon. Then back to Moms. She has not slept great in three nights now. Said she was up peeing all night last night. I only heard her once. I slept like a log and did not surface until 8:15 at which point she was napping again. She does not look great to me today. Yesterday she looked good. Today she's coughing alot more, sounds "wet" like fluid in her lungs in up a bit and she is tired looking. Napping lots. She is also much more vocal in her sleep. Usually she has little "screams" or "yelps" as she sleeps. Today she was having conversations. I came out to ask her who she was talking to and she was sleeping. Anyhow, I have come home to have lunch with my son and get some chores done here. I have a meeting with the palliative care team that I did volunteer training with and I have clean to do tonight. Other then that it is warming up out there and beautiful bright sunshine. It was a lovely red sunset last night.

Pulled in all directions-March 22, 2013

That is how I feel right now. I need to be in several places at the same time. My mother is not doing very well and now her place is on lock down due to a flu-like illness that over 70 people have gotten. My mother would have me there 24/7 and that is not realistic. I' m finished my training at the shelter so I am eligible to get shifts now. It's quite a bit of work to just organize everything. I feel like I'm not being a good mom to my 14 year old son. yes he is older but, he still needs a mother.Actually do not think anyone actually understands what it is this all involves. I would not be anywere else but, it's a full time job. My son Shawn staying with her tonight and I can have Anusha stay Sat. which I might. Tired now so off to dreamland before my staff meeting from 10-12 tomorrow

Tears and Laughter-March 13, 2013

A couple of crazy hectic days behind me. I sleep at moms last night for the second night and slept pretty well. Had coffee with her then I had to get moving to work. Yesterday I needed to research beds for her, go to my palliative care meeting, go to Dr.Maleks on behalf of her, go to drug store for her and do her banking and then come back and discuss it all with her before I went home to have dinner and get some supper before running off to school and then coming back to her place . When I came back from running around mid-afternoon she first decided on the bed she wanted, got that ordered. Went over some of the results and pushed her to make appointment with Dr. Ross to get the broncoscopy done. Dr. Malek seems to feel that she might have cancer. Due to her hemoglobin being at 91 when it should be abut 130, for no reason. Her progressive weakness, respiratory troubles, pains in her back and the spot on her extras. So sad for sure. She had a rough day yesterday, looked weak, lots of coughing and some emotional breakdown/breakthrough with the frustration and sadness of her situation, we were both pretty tired last night. I curled up in my corner, pretty cozy actually. Night temperature with a slight coolness coming from the door and I put some more padding on my mattress. I'm quite comfortable. I woke up in the night, not sure from what so I looked in the chair and no Mom, so I looked in the bed, no Mom. Went back to the chair, thought I had missed her in the dark but, no. Finally I called for her and she was in the dark bathroom, lit only by a night light. Not sure if she didn't hear me padding around looking for her but we had a laugh anyhow. She looked better today, said she was bored even. My daughters were in to see her for a bit and a friend from the retirement home dropped in as well. My brother is coming in tonight for 4 nights to help move the sofa out to make room for the bed and spend some time with Mom. I actually am looking forward to getting back to her place next week. I always said I wanted my own place, it's not quite that but it's where I need to be right now. We've decided that my daughter Racheal will spend each Wednesday night there so somehow we're going to make it all work. My dear friend dropped off a wheelchair today for my Mom to use. It looks brand new and I am off to a meeting tonight.  I am grateful to have such dear people in my life.

Birthdays, Sunshine and Grief-March 10 2013

Today is my youngest daughters birthday. Samantha is 21 years old at 11:59pm. She came into the world about a week early weighing 8lbs 7oz after a short but intense labour. All of the other children plus my mother in law were there. She was posterior so when she came out she was all bruised up by my pelvic bones when she rotated from posterior to anterior. My 3rd son and 4th child Tyler had his 25 birthday on March 7 so we will celebrate both together. He was 1 day early born at 5:13pm also weighed 8lbs 7oz and I had a flu when I delivered him so he was in some distress and passed meconium prior to birth. Once I pushed him out they suctioned him out and had to resusitate him however, he perked right up and was perfect. As soon as I delivered him I could feel the fever start to drop so I told them to hold off on the antibiotics as I could feel the heat leave me. I was fine after that, just the normal post birth and post flu fatigue. I am a lucky Mom for sure.

My mother home for 1 day now is going to have some challenges ahead of her. She coughed and did not sleep well last night. My brother stayed the night with her and I had 2 phone calls about her medication needs. One last night at 10:30 and the other this morning at 9:15am. She seemed alarmed at the thought of being home alone after my brother left at noon and my daughter came around dinnertime. How she thinks that she will be able to be on her own for any nights is puzzling. Mom is not able to articulate honestly what she wants and needs to all of her children. She tries to people please, especially with my brother. She often sides with him against her daughters and I do not think she understand how to have the kind of  relationships I have with my own daughters. We talk about all things honestly and openly. If someone thinks another is my being congruent they are called out. We don't always say what the other wants to hear but, what they need to hear. It beautiful and honest and real. My sister and my girls are exactly what I would picture in a perfect world, and I'm living it, how lucky am I?

My older daughter is ready to go spend the night with my mother. I am so grateful to have such loving giving kids. My brother called me on his drive home and indicated he did not think Mom would survive to get to Fairview Lodge. It has me thinking about life without Mom and it's incredibly sad and unbelievable to me to think that my own Mother will not be here anymore. I'm not sure if there is anything left to help her complete her journey. This is really the first time I feel the immediate nearness of her death. As with my father I feel conflicted between the difficulty of her suffering and the connection I have with her and how sad it will be to not have her, as imperfect as our relationship is, it has been a dominant one in my life and shaped who I have become. I feel that I am beginning to grieve and think about how my life will be without her and that makes me feel the loss already.

Light and Dark March 9 2013

Light because it is a beautiful sunny warm winter day. Dark because I'm tired and emotionally exhausted. Light because my mother came home from the hospital today. Dark because she is getting worse. I always think that my integrity is the one thing I pride myself on. I always try to do the right thing. A relative of mine questioned something so absurd today that I am beyond comprehension. How anyone could ever think even for a split second that I would take advantage of a situation with a vulnerable person.-Dark Through my program I have been able to understand that there are some people who do not contribute in a positive way, I can  choose to  remove myself from negative situations and people.-Light

Mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks. Coming out in worse shape then she went in.-Dark She had a fall in the wee hours of the morning yesterday and split open her leg. She is lucky it could have been much worse. Nothing broken.-Light I have to go pick her medication and drop it back to her shortly. Doing a midnight shift tomorrow night at my new job at the shelter. I am looking forward to getting some semblance of my life back.-Light

Moms Legs after 2 weeks in the hospital