January 5 2013-2 years and 1 day gone by

I just realized that today is January 5 2013. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary that I was "terminated without cause" from my long time job or as I like to refer to it as the unprovoked emotional assault. The big realization for me is that I just remembered it now. I only remembered it due to the fact I was reading from my 24 hour a day book and you read whatever the day was and I had to figure it out.
I guess it's true that grieving takes 2 years to go through. Today I do not have the intense feelings of betrayal and anger for those people, only pity and some disappointment in those I truly thought I had connections with. While I do not expect that I will never feel it again, it's gives me hope that it is possible to recover from such an experience.

Brand New Start-January 1 2013

I love beginnings. Even though it's symbollic it's nice to have a fresh start at something with no mistakes made yet. I had a lovely New Years Eve. First half spent at my Mothers retirement home. They had entertainment and my husband Will, son Christian and Indian daughters Ramya and Anusha came to Nana's home and of course my sister was already there. She is going home day after tomorrow. Tomorrow night I take her to Toronto and she will fly out the morning after. It has been so nice to have her here. It's kind of like the closure to her leaving that we never got. My mother has really enjoyed having her there and she has become a "cruise director" of the retirement home. Everyone there loves her and she enjoys them as well. Mom looked very frail to me yesterday and I worry that she has lost some will to live. There is something in her eyes that has faded this past time.

After the retirement home we went to my A.A. friends home and it was a small lovely gathering that welcomed our new girls into the fold. We counted down the new year and sang happy birthday with our cake to Anusha. Everyone sober and happy. Can't ask for much more.

I have reflected a little today on the past two years and know that 2013 is a year that I will assess and make some subtle and possibly larger changes in my life. I have come to understand that when I live a life that is not authentic I suffer. When I allow words or actions that I do not think are acceptable to continute I am not listening to my intuition and I suffer. Suffering comes in many forms. Sadness, anger, frustration, resentment. I do not want to participate in perpetuating any of this anymore in my life moving forward. I can take no responsiblity for others reactions to this nor can I hold any judgement when others do not understand or want to be part of this journey. Everyone must walk their own path. It is difficult work, changing automatic reactions and challenging those who cause this suffering however, it must be done or I will become someone I am not. I am not making any New Years Resolutions. Instead I will do my very best to be present in each moment and work doing the hard work that needs to be done.

Christmas Morning -December 25 2012

Talk about a strange Christmas. It is nearly 11:00 am and I am sitting alone by the tree and fire. My husband first up at 8:30am and there are signs my son was up in the night. Stocking open, paper around, empty candy wrappers, but he must have pulled a late one as he is sleeping still.

The best surprise of my life came in my door last night. I was getting ready to go to my A.A. meeting for 10:00pm and there was knock on the door. I assumed it was one of my son's friends. He answered it while I was in the powder room and called my husband first, so I thought maybe a neighbour. Then he said he needed my help. So I washed up and came out and he led me towards the tree and started asking me about opening a present. I'm thinking first "why is he walking so weird, does he have a rash" and then "why is he asking me this...again" no presents tonight. So I turned around and as I did could sense a person behind me which I figured would be my son's friend from a few houses up and it was my sister Linda. I was so shocked I SCREAMED. There have been so few times I have been truly surprised in my life, but this was definitely one of them. I have missed her so much I cannot even articulate it. She really keeps me grounded and I've missed her presence. She is here till January 3 and I will love every moment of it.

Anusha, who is Ramya's sister also arrived from India yesterday and is lovely. Our lives and house is full and I'm enjoying this time of quiet as I know later it will be much less peaceful but full of love. Going to live in the moment and savour it all.



 9:27pm: WoW, It was a good crazy family Christmas day for sure. Christian did not get up until 11:00am and so we started around 12:30pm when Ramya and Anu rolled out of bed and my youngest daughter Sam got home from her fathers. My other daughter Racheal and her husband rolled in, my friend Gail dropped by, my sister Linda was here, my son Tyler, my son Justin with his two children and former step child came in and finally my nephew, Linda's son Derek and his wife Jenna and daughter Laurel came in. It was a mad house for a long while. We had lots of good visiting and laughs then food. Everyone was tired and satisfied in the end I think. Ramya and Anu loved their first Christmas although Anu ended up falling asleep mid afternoon and is still sleeping. She is having some trouble adjusting to Canadian time. Ramya said she enjoyed the day so much from start to finish. Tomorrow we might go skating with my ex husbands family who has rented ice and back to his place for a get together.We will see what the day brings. My mother is enjoying having my sister stay at her place and is in a strange but wonderful mood lately. Visits with her since her illness have been somehow different and she seems to be lighter and happier. It was a lovely day filled with the people I treasure the most and I am grateful to have my family I have.

Day 4 of the Flu- December 22, 2012

I thought that maybe I had just come down with a cold last Wednesday when I started coughing and had a fever. I am pretty sure that it is the influenza A strain that has started early this season. First Christian who is still recovering after a week.  Now it is Saturday and the only thing that has improved in my cough. I can say today that my chest is not so tight and I don't have that deep cough I had, really hardly any cough at all. That has been rudely replaced by an overwhelming fatigue that threatens to cripple me. I slept for probably 9 hours or so last night and I stlll feel completely exhausted. Everytime I get up to do something I have to lie down to recover.My head is heavy and my stomach feels just not right. Put a load of laundry on, lie down for an hour. Carry the vacuum cleaner upstairs-lie down for an hour. It's quite depressing and has even caused me to feel sorry enough for myself to cry for a few minutes. Fortunately my husband has a great deal of patience and is pretty nurturing. I have so many things I want to do and I can't muster the energy up to make food or go downstairs. Last night I woke up to go to the washroom and was so cold I buried under the covers while my teeth clanged together while I tried to warm up. Thankfully so far it's only Christian, Ramya and myself that have gotten sick.
I got to talk with my sister on Skype last night. It was great to see and hear her. Made me feel that she is not so far away. They have been getting snowfall on top of snowfall where she is in B.C. We got our first dusting today and it is about 0 degrees so it may stay for Christmas. We have not had a white Christmas in 4 years here.
My mother had a rough trip home from the hospital yesterday. It was a calamity of errors and she ended up having to pay $130.00 to get an ambulance to bring her home. Fortunately we were able to laugh about it. My mother is in a lighter mood lately and we have had more laughs then usual.

Life goes on-December 19, 2012

It has been a heck of a few days. My son Christian was sick with a high fever terrible cough, my mother went into the hospital with pneumonia and today I'm starting to feel sick as well. I'm coughing and tight in the chest. I'm suppose to go to my friends for dinner and my A.A. candlelight gratitude meeting. It seems like this year has been filled with such struggles sometimes I find it hard to be as grateful as I should. Yesterday I was suppose to write my Indigenous Studies exam and had everything in place to get it all done. I was with my mother at the hospital lots and my brother planned to come into town from 4 hours away on Tuesday and stay Wednesday maybe Thursday. That all started according to plan. He came in around dinnertime Tuesday and spent the evening with Mom, came to our house after and we had a good visit with some laughs. I hadn't been able to study Sunday, Monday or Tuesday as planned due to some issues with my Mother so I thought I'll have a good sleep, get up and study all day Wednesday and go to school in the evening and write my exam. That was not to be, my brother called me around 9am and was already 2 hours away on his way home. He had a generator leak in his garage and his wife called him to let him know that fumes were through the house. I thought I could find someone to take the 8 hour Tylenol that my brother was taking for my mothers pain. Then I talked to my mother and knew I needed to get over there to take charge and get answers. She was in such pain and her breathing so laboured it was difficult for her to talk. I still thought, "ok I'll take my work and study at the hospital all day and write at night". Naive thinking, it was impossible to do. My professor gave me the option to write in January which I jumped at. After a long day I came home around 4 and was so tired and drained. Went upstairs and heard a terrible crash and came down and the Christmas tree had fallen over in the kitchen. What a mess. We got that cleaned up. Went to bed around 8:30 and sleeping around 10:45 and the phone rang at 4:30am with a private name/private number. I immediately thought the worse with my Mother, there was just a beeping on the other end. I thought maybe I had pushed the wrong button to answer it in the dark. I waited for a few minutes and no call back and thought I am not going to sleep until I find out if Mom is ok. I turned on my 1computer to look up the hospital number and called. They indicated they had not called and Mom was good. So I shut down my computer and as I'm shutting it down an icon comes up and text in it says "he's dead". I was confused and just closed it and got into bed. Shared what happened with my husband and we both through" we need to check Christian" who was fine, not sure what the was about. It was a weird happeneing anyhow. December 20/12: Mom sounds much better today and I think she may be released tomorrow. I have developed a cough and not feeling too well so I'm a bit worried about being near her and giving her something new. Today I will be taking it very easy and maybe stay horizontal all day. We'll see what the day brings.

Endings and Beginnings-December 14 2012

My son Justin turns 29 today. He was my fastest birth. An induction and 3 1/2 weeks early only took 2 hours from start to finish and was 7lbs. He is a ray of sunshine in my life and working through some challenging things as a single father trying to make sure the best interests of his children are a priority. He is loving, kind, sensitive super creative and has the patience of a saint I have learned.  He is such a good dad and I am so proud of him.
I am also officially finished my S.S.W. program today. I cannot believe it myself and wonder where the time went. I finished up at my placement agency yesterday and am waiting on word about a job there. Not waiting for fate to find me I have submitted about 15 cover letters and resumes yesterday and am optimistic about finding my passion in a job. Our Indian daughter now has a sister coming from India who also wants to stay with us. We will probably accomadate this request however, will need to make some adjustments to the living arrangements so it works for the whole family. Gone from 4 in the house up to 6 again. Going the opposite way. I keep hearing the word faith whispering in my ear. Everything that I need will be provided. Some days I struggle with it more then others. Beginnings are such fun! I must let go of the fear and resentments I hold to be free.

“It requires more courage to suffer than to die.”-December 2, 2012

Been a very challenging time for me lately. I'm not handling things very well at all. I talked with my sponsor who is such an amazing support for me and she keeps telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I say WHEN? I'm tired, I feel such hopelessness right this minute that I am having trouble seeing beyond it. I'm not sure if it's the 2 year anniversy of my work betrayal that still haunts and hurts me or what I perceive as my needs not being important in the big scheme of life. I have applied to many jobs and once I get one I have new decisions to make. I feel betrayed, uncared for, unloved, unappreciated, taken advantage of, and so incrediibly lonely and hurt.Not saying it's justified, just saying how it is. My brain has just stopped working and I have hit some invisible brick wall. I need peace somehow.
God Grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.