Semester Winding Down-July 29, 2012

I am nearly finished my assignments for the semester. I just have to proof read one and I'll do that tomorrow with fresh eyes. This leaves me in good shape to finish my last two weeks of the semester. There have been many changes at school and the mood has changed lots from May until now. It will be interesting to see how everyone makes out on placement. I am doing mine at an Aboriginal Womens Service Agency that specializes in Violence Prevention and Treatment. I have much to learn and am humbled by the people that are there. I'm tired now though and ready for a break. I have enjoyed being in school so much, although if paying the bills was not a concern I would have been more relaxed through it and possibly not pushed through the summer to get done fast, but it is what it is. Working with the commercial business has been busy, and I'm part of a board of networking small businesses in the area and I'm starting back up with my university course in the fall. I'm taking Indigenous Studies one night a week. I do not think there are any vacation plans in the near future for us. Just no money to spare, even to go camping. I will go to my sisters for a few days and get/give some sista love. Spend time not thinking about where I need to be, what I need to be doing, what I'm forgetting, is my car going to make it to where I'm going? Getting these assignments done is a huge load off my mind. Corn roast at my friends next week-end in Peterborough will be a nice time out.

Remembering Andre the Cat-July 5, 2012

Today I write with a very heavy heart. Our cat Andre who would have been 18 this November has died. He has not been well for some time and the past few day he lost control of his bladder and bowels and was in a short time of distress, but then seemed to just sleep and change position and even drink a little bit of water. He enjoyed pets and visits with everyone. I really hoped he could just die peacefully in his sleep, but a few days passed and he was not improving or getting much worse, other than his ability to move around much. He just looked like he was afraid to move too much, and I did not want him to suffer.I am so conflicted about euthanasia. I am told it is the kinder way, but I also believe that informed consent is required and how do we really know what he wanted. Anyhow what is done is done, and my husband Will and I made what we felt was the best decision for Andre, as difficult as it was for us. Due to his poor health his blood pressure was very low and the medication took quite a long time to work. It did not pump through his body with much force. He fell into a deep sleep, but kept breathing and his heart beating. They gave him a second injection and eventually had to inject it directly into his heart. He did not move at all for that, and I felt he had left a few minutes before that anyhow. It was really our pain that we were crying for, he was free at last from his old and worn out body. Fortunately is was less then a minute after the injection and he physically passed over.  He has been such a loyal companion to our family. He's been with me longer than my husband or youngest son. He has seen me through divorce, addiction, recovery, stalker who set fire to my house (with him in it), remarriage, birth, death of my father and others, marriages of my children and birth of grandchildren, jobs and job losses. He has been there through the good times and the lowest of low times, always loving me unconditionally. This has been much harder than I expected and I feel such grief. A friend sent me a poem that I will share as I grieve and miss my special friend and loyal companion.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

My first child is 30-June 14, 1982

My first child Shawn was born 30 years ago. It seems impossible to me that it's been that long. He as born at 10:54pm 7lbs 1oz at 40 weeks after about a 7 hour labor, which is not so bad for a first time. Back then they kept you in the hospital for 5 days for an uncomplicated delivery.

I remember how excited I was to become a mother at the tender age of 18. He was and is such a joy to have. He was a happy sweet baby and independant and respectful little boy and has grown into a loving, kind and responsible man and father to his almost 2 children.

I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Friendship with my sister Linda-June 3, 2012

I had to write a short journal entry for a class about an important friendship that I have had, so here it is.

An important friendship in my life is one with my sister Linda. There is an age difference of seven years between the two of us and there was no type of  friendship until we were around 18 and 25 years old. Even then, it was not what I would consider a close relationship.

 My definition of a close friendship with a person is that you are willing to share any problem with them, be completely honest and know that they will not judge you. It is always a reciprocal relationship. Conflicts are discussed openly and resolved without fearing a loss of the friendship. My close friendships are people that accept me the way I am, imperfections and all, and I feel the same way about them.

My definition of a close friendship has changed over the years. 25 years ago, my definition was less intense. I expected less from people, mainly because I was afraid they could not live up to my expectation and I usually got what I expected. I pretended to be something I was not and I never let my guard down. Therefore, I did not attract people that were any different than I acted. I had many superficial friendships and felt that I had such intense feelings that nobody could understand or accept if they ever knew the real me. Thank goodness, I was wrong about that. It was just my stinking thinking once again.

Linda and I kept in touch and were both busy living our "important" lives however; we both hit a wall of crisis within a few years of each other.  About 15 years ago I went through turmoil and change in my life. And, due to the fact I had never allowed people to see the real me, when the "real me" came out, it was surprising, shocking and also mixed with relief.  Working through my program of recovery, I got honest with others, made amends to those that I needed to, which included her and started to live an authentic life. My inner and out self were finally beginning to match. Perhaps it acted as a catharsis for my sister or perhaps it was just her time for change as well. She started to make some meaningful life changes that included removing unhealthy things and people from her life and adding some healthy things. We moved forward together sharing a common goal of healing and healthy living. She threw herself into yoga and meditation and I threw myself into a self-help program. Although it may sound like we were pursuing very different things, it felt common to us. The means may have been different, but the result we were pursuing was similar. We both aspired to have joyful, mindful lives while enjoying superior emotional, mental and physical health. This does not mean that we have always been successful with this. We have experienced some low points, such as the death of our father, divorce and many other things. The difference is we always call each other to share our troubles honestly and often there is no solution, but we know the other is there to listen and be fully present in the moment. She teaches me so much about myself and I hope I am able to do the same for her. She is fearless in her pursuit of her dreams and inspires me with her courage.

My sister and I were finally in a position in our lives to take a trip together last summer. We went to Nelson, British Columbia and spent a week at a fabulous hostel with no plans for the day except waking up and deciding what we wanted to do with the day. Usually it was something we both wanted to do, sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it was different from the other, and always it was ok.  Every night we could be found on the big white porch of the White House backpacker’s hostel drinking peppermint tea and talking and laughing, lots of laughing.

We are very different people Linda and I, but we now accept each other unconditionally and value the differences we have. We have the ability to have a misunderstanding or disagreement, address it, and then move on. Our relationship has gone through so many stages and changes that have tested our patience and commitment. I believe it only makes our relationship special and ultimately stronger in the end.

  Our husbands are supportive and understanding of our independant spirits and we are very lucky to have them in our lives.

We talk about being old women and travelling the world together.

I cannot think of anyone else I would rather do this with than my sister Linda.

Quietly Working Away-June 2, 2012

What a difference a week can make. Last week we were dripping in heat, this week-end it is literally dripping, but with rain...and wind. However, this is a good thing since the plants need a good soaking and it allows me better focus to get some work done. It has been such a crazy busy week. Coming off a long week last week, jumped into another one. Back to my cleaning shifts and we picked up a new job, so Friday night (last night) was a first clean and then volunteering at the women's shelter this morning. I also had a placement interview (my first) at an Aboriginal Women's Shelter yesterday and I'm thrilled to say they offered me a position for placement on the spot. I love many things about this place and think it may be a great fit. I do have two other places I want to interview at, and am now worried a bit that if I get offered other positions, I will want to do them all. It is a great problem to potentially have though. I am looking forward to the rest of the week-end and the week ahead. Some sales/networking Monday and late start Tuesday at school and a normal week ahead. I've got quite a bit of my work done, just lots of readings to do tomorrow and a couple of shorter assignments. Life is good.

Glorious Heat-May 26 2012

I am happy to say everything is hot hot hot! the temperature has risen to the high 20's and 30's in the past week. I am embracing the heat this year...for now I have resisted turning on the A/C in order to feel it all. I feel like every molecule in my body in on heightend awareness, along with embracing sadness, wonder and gratitude at the amazing people out there and the world we have be given to live in.
It is Saturday and I had non violent crisis intervention today at school. It is all about first recogizing the signs that lead to crisis and attempting to avoid it, and then dealing with individuals that are escalating and threatening. It included verbal reasoning and directives, physical protecting and restraining of individuals and self defense. Some interesting stories from some and others seemed to wonder what they were getting themselves into. We have had so much drama at school. A teacher feeling bullied and with some just cause, although she is contributing to the problems. I have calmly voiced myself on a few occasions when I felt it justified. Either supportive and empathetic or requesting that people quit carrying this grudge they seem to have, so we can focus on our studies and not on this drama that most of us know little about due to privacy although we can guess who the instigators are. Most recently our program head came in to address our class, saying that some of the students have complained that they do not feel safe in class. We do have some loud and aggressive people in our class, that for the most part add flavour to discussions, but I can see how some who have little life experience may feel intimidated during some heated discussions they have. The vulgar language and swearing come across as aggressive and these few are very argumentative and stubborn. When they say something that I don't agree with or feel is incorrect, I weigh the decision to jump in with how strongly I feel about the subject and if it will add to the topic or not. I have jumped in when they start talking about alcoholism or something to do with childbirth, some things I am just too passionate about but mostly I'm willing to let the few that enjoy the sparring, fight it out and pick my battles very carefully. Time is too short to be arguing and fighting about nothing important. My friends and I stick together for most of the time and are able to avoid the drama.
Husband Will is in Kingston photographing a wedding today with a former work employee and will be home in the new few hours. We went on a 3-4 hour hike Monday and 5 days later my legs actually stopped hurting today. We have been re-connecting in many ways and enjoying each others company more and more.
We think my new grandchild is a girl, and although there have been complications with the pregnancy she is beginning to feel better now. I babysat my grandson last night and he is such a sweet little boy. Talking lots more now. I feel like a new part of life is beginning to open up and I am excited to move into the second half of my life!

I am now Tweeting!-May 7, 2012

We are now beginning to get serious about growing our commercial cleaning business. SRS commercial cleaning. We are boosting our social media, including Twitter. I feel like I've been in the dark ages, and love to Tweet now! As with all things I need to remember moderation. Working on our facebook fan page and LinkedIn accounts, networking and marketing. A few bumps in the road of life over the week-end, but it's all good! Had a nice although short visit with my sister, and went to bat advocating with my mother, but now she has decided not to pursue. I need to remember that when advocating for someone to only do what THEY want me to do, not what I want, so back off I will do.

 Back to school tomorrow, and I'm mixed about that. Looking forward to it, but know I'm going to be stressed to the max in another few weeks. Moderation moderation moderation. Did I say I need balance in my life? My daughter Samantha took me out for an early mothers day to see the Hunger Games last night. We ate way too much junk food and had a good time.