I had a reasonably good day. Worked with my daughter, came home and spent some time cleaning my own place, spent some time outside. Few snags with the redoing the mortgage and such, to do with changing the amortization but nothing crazy and unmanageable. Had to pay a very large water bill that I hadn't planned on but, such is life. Went to my friends for a short visit before going to my home group A.A. meeting. Great meeting, stopped at Wal Mart, picked up a few things and made my way home. Stopped at the red light where my Mom's place was and just felt this stabbing loss and a sense of disbelief that my Mother is gone. I know she is gone, but at times it just comes out of nowhere and I feel it acutely and with such sorrow. So sitting at that red light crying and as I thought about it, today it is exactly 2 months since my brother and sister and I celebrated her 77 birthday. I also think my youngest son's grade 8 graduation is tomorrow and that is another big thing that she will no be at and maybe it's just a combination of things that have me at loose ends tonight. I have such a clear memory of her last days and they both comfort me when I feel the loss and add to the feelings of loss. I remember she kissed me on the mouth that last week, and I had begun calling her "my Little Mommy" an endearment that she seemed to like. Many things are going well, my work is progressing and I'm getting lots of hours, my gardens are beautiful and I love it, spending time with family and friends I enjoy but there is such heartbreak at moments like this that it is hard to breath and I just don't have the privacy I need sometimes when these moments come. Thankfully it does not last long and I am back in my happy and grateful place but, right now, in this moment, I am angry and sad that my parents were both taken too soon, that my youngest will not have the same experiences that he deserves and that selfishly I just want my Mother here to be that rock for me. Someone just to care about me and my day. I am so grateful for those last few months as difficult as they were, that allowed me to understand my Mother better as a person who had a difficult journey and did the best she could with what she had. I guess I just need to understand that there will be days like this and I have to expect it. Tomorrow will be a joyous day. My son Christian will be dressed in his finest, although the same suit we got him for the funeral, nonetheless, he will be so excited and nervous. It will be a wonderful time and I will be so happy for my son.
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