Spring is here-April 11, 2014

Warm temperatures and sunshine are here at last. I have been extremely busy the past month. Lots of work and lots of training. I was away at Ontario Regional Conference in Toronto and had a blast. A bit of a crash followed that. I got into about a week long funk. Felt really down and was a bit worried but, it turned around and I am back to my optimistic happy self. I am putting it down to a combination of things. As Mom's 1 year anniversary approach in a few weeks I have been remember "this time last year" and feeling the loss all over again. There have been some things going on with my kids and as much as I try to practice healthy detachment I guess I am who I am and I feel when my kids are going through hard times. Some tension around an issue and then I got my first palliative care patient and was unable to work with her because she went downhill so quickly she was non-responsive and so I supported her daughter for about 10 days and she died. Breast, liver and lung cancer. I am declining more clients until I get past the 1 year anniversary now.
My dear friend got terminated yesterday from her job she has been at for 24 years. No fault and business cutbacks all over the company. It has been hard watching her go through this as I know exactly how she feels. The emotional upheaval and fear can be paralyzing. I remember how lost and directionless I felt and the overwhelming sense of disbelief. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and in hindsight one of the best. It helped me develop a strong faith and brought me to the path I am on now. She is strong and will get through it but, the hard part is knowing that there is really nothing I can do to help other than share my experience strength and hope and be there to let her know she's not alone. My sister had her breast off on Wednesday. Hopefully this means that she can put the cancer and stress behind her and get busy living the dream. I finished my exam tonight for philosophy and could not be happier. All is good.

Where is the balance to enjoy the view-March 5, 2014

Daughter Racheal and Grand daughter Lydia

Hanging out at my sister in laws house on Christmas Eve with family

Well, I sure have not been on the ball with writing this winter. I have been working so many hours, I feel like I need two of me. Once again I am having a challenge with balance in my life. The addictive and personality traits I have tell me to do all or nothing. I tend to lean to the side of all. When I get out of balance I suffer. It seems like I could work 7 days a week between the two right now. Calls come in often and I am working 6 days a week. When I pick up shifts I feel like I need to take them, in case they don't come again and to build up my seniority so I can get full time work. However the past few weeks on my one day off I end up exhausted and in bed. So many sick people around me ALL the time, it's remarkable that I don't get sick even more. I felt kind of yucky yesterday but, pushed through and worked last night. Today I'm just too tired. Not throwing up or nose running even. Just feel like my sinus's are all clogged up in the back of my head, coughing a bit and tired..so tired and a low grade fever. Definitely fighting something off. Been juicing and eating well. No diet coke for about a month. Maybe that has helped keep me from getting the full on colds and flu's that many around me have. On Friday I took over the shift from someone who ended up getting a full out flu on Saturday. I usually wipe the phone and keyboard and all that off when I go in but, it was absolutely nuts when I went in and did not do that this time. She is still off work 4 days later. Tried to get up a couple of times today and hit the shower but, no go. Crawled back in bed and hope to feel better tomorrow. I said no to many shifts so that I have today and tomorrow off-2 days in a row. Glad now that I did that. I hope to feel well tomorrow so I can be up and about. Who wants to be sick on their only days off? I have a paper to write for my university class that just got posted today and is due a week tomorrow. I hope to get it done tomorrow since I work every day after that until next week-end. I still absolutely love what I'm doing, it's just balancing all areas of my life so work is not the dominating factor. I have always been that person who wants and loves to be with their children and grandchildren. Be part of every celebration, planning with them for weddings and babies, helping them through challenges and sharing all parts of their lives.  I could never move away permanently to somewhere else if my children and grandchildren were here. I like to drop in and have sleepovers and go to their school functions. If they call and want me to come over, just go. Pick them up and bring them for a play, picnics in the park in summertime and being part of their memories as they grow up. My kids have such a wonderful relationship with their Grandma on their fathers side and that is how I want it to be for my grandchildren. A safe place to land. Anyhow, my life has gotten too far out of balance to really enjoy all of those things that I value so much. This will be my goal into the spring..to achieve balance. I know other people love where they live because of the community or the amenities or the weather. I am the same, I love where I live because of the view. As seen below and above.

Oldest grandchildren Cassandra and Taylor

Skate party with son Shawn and grandson Jack

Taylor at Christians party

The brothers and brother in law and dad to celebrate Christians 15th birthday at paintball

Grandchild Lydias 1st birthday

January 26, 2014-Another birthday party

Another birthday party indeed. My youngest son Christian turned 15 a week ago on January 19 but, he was sick and we postponed the birthday celebration till today. So, he decided he wanted a family party. His brothers going paintballing first and then food and cake back at the house and that is what we did. They had great fun. All the grandchildren were here and how does life get better then that I ask? It doesn't.
 My work is going along well and I'm enjoying it very much. I hope to get out cross country skiing this week. We have lots of fresh powder snow. I have a few days off this week and must say, am looking forward to getting out in the snow. Maybe do some skating as well.

Christian "happy birthday singing"

Paintball with the fam!

December 31, 2013-Last day of the year

Wow! I cannot believe New Years Eve is here...again. Last year I had just finished school, my Mom was not well and our family spent New Years Eve with my Mom at her place. The year my Mom is gone and I've just gotten my third job, I'm loving my life, miss my Mom but grateful for all things in my life. I'm not finding as much time to write since my life is full and busy. It comes in waves and I go with it. Christmas was busy and wonderful and exhausting. I worked at mens shelter 3-11 and crawled into bed that night.

Boxing day was a skate party by my sister in law from my first marriage Cindy. It's a wonderful tradition and I am grateful to still be a part of the family. They hold a big part of my heart.

Now a New Year is upon us. I will celebrate the crossing of 2013 into 2014 working at the mens' shelter and that is a good thing. The world is my family and I am grateful to be part of it.


I am saying good-bye to year 2013 with a grateful heart. I am grateful for all the lessons I've been able to receive, for all the experiences I've been exposed to and for all the authentic people I have in my life! I have had to say good-bye to loved ones for a little while, a long while and a lifetime.
There have been moments in this year that have made me laugh hysterically, feel unconditional love and cry from both joy and sorrow-often at the same time. There were times I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and always I was presented with what I needed in that moment. 
I am filled with gratitude for the unconditional love that surrounds me. So humbled by my family and friends who are always there for me. 
I have the love and support from my life partner-no matter what I need. 
Never has there been a year with such high highs and such low lows and some of those happening simultaneously. Despite some very overwhelming situations or challenges - I always have faith that everything happens as it is supposed to and even if I cannot understand-the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

I have made some beautiful new friends, deepened other relationships and I look forward to spending more time doing the same. I continue to be in awe of my family who stood by my side not only this year but also, every year. My heart is full with gratitude. Thank you family and friends for giving yourself a gift of time and unconditional love. 

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me and holding me in your light. 
When the clock strikes midnight tonight, I will close the door for old and open space for all the gifts and lessons 2014 brings
I hope this year will bring you unconditional love, laughter, friendship, peace, acceptance and extreme self-love and that you will know every is unfolding exactly as it needs to, even when it is deeply uncomfortable. You are not the same person you were a year ago and you will not be the same person 365 days from now. I cannot wait to live it all—One Day At A Time. 
Happy New Year!

Season is Upon Us-November 26, 2013

I simply cannot believe that we are near the end of November already. I have my Christmas decorations up and Christmas is at the doorstep. Our first snow of the year is going on tonight and it's nice to be inside with my candles glowing while I am warm and happy. My work is going well, and I continue to enjoy it very much.
I am in the midst of redecorating my bedroom. Purple and silver is word for my new bedroom.

Next week my sister comes in from B.C. and it will be the first time I have seen her in person since her breast cancer diagnosis. She continues to heal and thrive. We have a road trip planned to my brothers house and I'm sure that it will be filled with laughs. After my sister leaves, Christmas will nearly be here. In February my brother and sister and I have a trip to Florida planned to go see my cousin. I am thinking a trip down south with my husband might be a good plan. It has been 5 years since we have been away and we have never been away without the children. I think it's time.

My Mother has been on my mind more often recently. Maybe because this was about the time her decline really started last year. I keep having a picture of her kissing me on the lips replayed. She only did that in the last month or so before her death. Also the last day of her life has been on my mind and my thoughts drift to how one prepares to accept that their life on earth is nearly done. I think I would want to make sure that I did not leave without making sure that my loved ones knew how I felt, clear regrets and leave behind instructions for things that I might miss but, that's me and having not been in that position how, can I truly understand what one goes through.
All I know is I miss my Mom lots right now and haven't felt her around lately. Change is the only thing that is constant. I'm ok with that. My life is filled with wonderful memories and true joy.

Navigating nights-November 12, 2013

I am going into my 5th shift working and 4th night shift in a row and have 1 left after this, a day off which will be my recovery day and then into three more evening shifts. If it were not for missing most of the waking hours it wouldn't be so bad. I've been sleeping from about 10am till about 5:30pm which is pretty decent sleep but, not much time to do anything before I have to get ready for the next shift. By the time I have my coffee and catch up with everyone and everything, eat something, shower it's 9:00pm and I have about 90 minutes before I have to leave. Tonight less time since I have to stop and get some protein bars. I am loving it though. Have been at womens shelter for few days and have felt that I've really been able to provide some meaningful counselling session through the night with women. At the mens shelter for next two nights so looking forward to the change. My sister will be here in three weeks and so excited to see her. I'm going to get my bedroom painted this week-end. Christmas season is looming and I am beginning to look forward to it. I am so very grateful for everything in my life.

The first 50 years-October 27, 2013

Me with my kids and two grandkids.

Today was my 50th birthday. My kids and partner through a fabulous birthday party for me. We skated for an hour and went back to my daughters house for some food and visiting. Saw friends that I haven't seen in a while and some that I see very often. All of my kids and family members that live around here. Everyone there was someone that is so special to me in some way and it meant so much to have them there. Many people that mean something to me were not able to be there because of other commitments, distance or death but, I felt them with me just the same. I feel so grateful to have the life I am living today. I have spent a lifetime building it and beautiful relationships do not just happen by accident. It's a constant investment of time, consistency, trust, love and self sacrifice. It is absolutely a labor of love and I am so grateful for it all. I have a partner who I love and trust, my children are everything I had ever hoped for and best friends of each other. This make me feel that despite some of the times I felt like I could not do anything right while I was raising them, I must have done something right since they are all such wonderful and nurturing people. People will often comment, "you are so lucky your children are so close to each other" or " you are so lucky to have such a close family" and I have to say that it doesn't happen by luck. Many people are not willing to put the front end work in that it takes so, they can enjoy the back end results. I always had an idea of how I wanted to raise my family and I always did what I thought was best for my family, despite the people who might say I do too much for them, to cut the apron strings and other things that suggested they did not think my way was the best way. I am so glad I never listened to them or succumbed to parental peer pressure. In case it's not clear, I am so proud of my family and I have such deep love and respect for them as individuals.
My friends are a source of strength and joy for me, and I for them. My work although not perfect, especially the shifting hours of three shifts. However it is work I love and feel like it's meaningful and contributes to help ease human suffering and contributes to the human spirit in some way.  That is more important to me then convenience. My brother and sister are not in the same area but, we have a close intimate connection that happens when one goes through tragedy and sorrow together and are able to come out the other side intact and supportive. All we have is today and I can say that without a doubt. Today, life is the best it's ever been, I'm 50 and fabulous!

Me and Tyler

Me and Justin

Top of Cake with Two Hawks