Belly Button Birthday-October 27 2012

It is my 49 year birthday today and it sounds pretty old but, on the inside I feel very much younger. I am learning and growing in leaps and bounds these days. My placement is going well and my spiritual growth seems to be evolving at a rapid pace these days. I have always been aware of energies around me and have experienced some unusual things however, I had had some pretty intense experiences surrounding spirit lately and have become aware of many things that have previously not been in my conscious level. Nancy at the agency has some psychic ability although I have not talked much with her about that, she has encouraged me and guided me about how to handle things that have come up. From what she says it's not something I can choose not to have so, I need to learn how to understand and use what is shown to me in a positive way. I can reflect on some unusal things that have transpired physically that also relate to my spirit connection. The constant buzzing in my ears, the buzzing in my feet that I got an MRI to check out, and of course nothing wrong, the white flashes of light in my periphial vision that I thought were my retina's detaching. I am going to spend more time in meditation to heighten my awareness and at least relax more.
Last night I feasted my new drum When you make your drum you need to have ceremony performed and "birth" your drum. It involves elders and water and food, prayers and drumming and singing by a circle of people and that is exactly what happened. My husband Will and son Christian came up with our new "adopted" daughter Ramya. We enjoyed a feast after and came home.
This upcoming 50th year of my life I look forward to 15 years of sobriety in January, graduation from my social service work program in June and my 50th birthday in October. I have a feeling this upcoming year is going to be profound on many levels.


I wish I wish I wish



Brand New Grandgirl Lydia Grace DOB Oct 10/12- October 13, 2012

I welcomed my newest grandchild on October 10 2012 at 11:49 PM. Lydia Grace and she was 7lbs 1oz at 21.5 inches long.
I was called around 4 pm at my placement in Peterough and went straight to their house. She decided shortly after she preferred to be in the place she would eventually give birth and not make the very rough transfer like last time at 8cm. It was also a VBAC so she was required to stay on continuous EFM to monitor the baby. She had severe back labour due to the baby being in OP position. I did the double hip squeeze for hours as it seemed to be what helped, with warm packs. Her Mom and Sister and my Son were also there. She requested pain meds after a few hours of coping with intense back labour and had an epidural around 9:00PM. Based on how hard she was working with her contractions I thought she might be further then the 3-4cm she had been a couple of hours earlier. She had one on top of the other and sometimes no break in between. The nurse although quite competant at her medical skills lacked in the emotional end of providing nursing care. She snapped that it would not make any difference. Her mother also mentioned it and got the same response. She had the epidural and got excellent pain relief and when they allowed us back in the room we found out she was fully dilated and they ruptured her membranes. She felt much better and had the pressure with contractions without the pain. Since she was not feeling the urge to push yet, and the baby was not that low yet they let her "labour down" which means the uterus continues to contract and push the baby down lower on it's own. I was glad they suggested that since she had no urge to push and would be on "the clock" once she started pushing. She stayed this way for about 90 minutes and it worked great to bring the baby down much lower. Some of the side effects of the epidural were all over trembling and she developed a fever. Due to the fever the baby experienced an increase in her heart rate. This happened about 45 minutes before delivery. They indicated that the RT person would be at the birth because of the increase in heart rate. She began to push and initially it seemed a bit slow and the nurse made an offhand comment about the baby being OP still and I questioned her a bit after seeing the look of worry on my daughter in laws face and she confirmed that she would be "pushing" this baby out in whatever position she was in she was low enough. When she realized that she would be having a vaginal birth her face had this look of joy and peace and she had tears streaming down her face. I knew how much that this meant to her, and many people have difficulty understanding it, but I absolutely understood and it moved me to tears as well. She had great success pushing the baby down and within about 30-40 minutes I could see the baby's hair sticking out. The doctor asked about doing a "little cut" and she shook her head no. I was wishing he supported all around a bit better as she crowned and she did tear up the front a bit. The baby came out quickly and she strained to see her but the bed was set so low at the foot she could not see. The doctor quickly handed the baby off and the RT could not get the baby to breath and they quickly called a code pink. I could hear the hospital speakers announcing a code pink in the birthing suite of our room and it seemed like a surreal experience. A team of people were in the room immediately and surrounded the baby. I felt so helpless at that moment, all I could say to them was "she is having some trouble transitioning" and "they are doing what they need to do" after several minutes and no response I actually had a thought that she might not make it and how would I be able to help them get through this. I heard them say something about no breath sounds. I started to feel light headed myself and very nauseaous to the point I actually thought I might throw up. I knew intellectually that these were signs that I might faint and knew that was the last thing that this situation needed. I quietly slipped out and the nurses station was right there so I asked them for some juice and sat in a chair for a minute and a few sips of juice and I felt fine again. I had not had any food since lunch time and it was nearly midnight so maybe the shock with low blood sugar. I knew I had to get back in there and see what was going on. They were taking the baby to NICU and they had gotten her breathing established and I did not see but was told mom got to have a quick hold and kiss her first. They passed by me in the bassinet incubator and her little fist waved at me as she passed. My son went with her and we all stayed to comfort my daughter in law. She was upset and we tried to reassure her and allow her to express however she needed to. Her mom had experienced the same physical reaction as I had and was trapped in the corner behind my son, so she made sure she was out of sight of her daughter and sat on the floor. Emotional shock causes a sudden change to the nervous system when the blood pressure and heart rate drop suddenly and the blood doesn't pump blood back to the brain fast enough. The pediatrician came in and said the baby had a hard time transitioning and she was fine now and there was no reason to think any problems would come as a result of it. She would be observed and brought in likely within a few hours. We all got to go in to see her before we left and she looked wonderful.

Lydia 1 hour old in NICU

(Picture in NICU an hour old)

In the end the baby was fine, observed for about 5 hours and brought back to Mom and Dad and they brought her home the next day. I continued to relive this scene in my head the day after and when I held her the next day I was moved to tears with gratitude that she was ok. I am not sure how this affects my feelings about hospitals and home births. On one hand I am so grateful that this team responded to make sure all turned out well but on the other the problems were likely cause by a side effect of the epidural, but what if they were not and this happened at home. That is the question that haunts me and I wonder how this will affect my confidence in home birth moving forward. I also found myself angry with God. They had such a difficult first delivery, difficult second pregnancy, they are such kind loving people and parents and deserved a break and this happened, for what purpose? Maybe to remind us of the fragility of life? I don't know but I reflect on how things can change in an instant and how we need to embrace every moment we have with our loved ones and have no regrets because you might not have a second chance. I am filled with gratitude for the blessing of this little girl and their inclusion of me in this special time of their lives.

Feeling overwhelming gratitude for Lydia

My son Shawn and I with Lydia

Welcoming Ramya-September 30, 2012

It is the last day of September and I cannot believe the month is over. I love my placement and am learning new skills daily. I most enjoy the community resource meeting in Oshawa. It was lots of idea sharing and they are a progressive bunch. I really like them. I love travelling with Nancy the long term counsellor. She is an amazing woman and teacher. We started a new group last week and it went very well. I know many of the women now and they know me. It seems like I have been there longer. This week we have the sisters in spirit vigil, which will be a silent walk and then vigil with a speaker and reading aloud the 528 missing or murdered Aboriginal women in Canada. I went into Toronto on Friday to visit three of the Aboriginal friendship centres/womens resource centre and got to talk to the volunteer co-ordinators at two of the three and got information from the other. All in all a great day. Ramya our international student from southern India is here to stay with us this year. She is renting a room from us and going to U.O.I.T. I'm sure it will be a learning experience for everyone and I look forward to getting to know her better. I'm having a few issues with allergies. I started some Valerian Root and GABA from the health food store to help me sleep, but my mouth is swollen and sore, so I guess that is the end of that. My beautiful sista-friend is coming in the end of the week for our sisters in spirit vigil and we will be making native drums the next day. My new grandchild is due any day.  Life is good.

Placement first 2 weeks-September 16, 2012

What a few weeks I have had. I have had a wide range of experiences and feelings during this time. My first week I was frustrated and felt like I had possibly made a terrible choice. It seemed very disorganized and I was unsure of how I saw myself fitting in. I made a time to meet with my supervisor Monday morning and things have fallen into place nicely now. I have a sense of purpose and have admiration for the work that the workers do every day with little funding. I have had the opportunity to do many counselling sessions, shadowing the long term counsellor and participating in a minor way. I have experienced a group session for sexual abuse survivors that included art therapy, been to community resource meetings, helped host a lunch/activity for the Grannies, done some research. I started my Indigenous Studies at Trent last week and the Professor does not seem to be inspiring, but I will keep an open mind. We have a room for rent in our house now and have a PhD student from India going to UOIT looking at it tomorrow. I have my 2 weeks off now from cleaning, and I'm so happy to have a break from it, my body is hurting. My elbow hurts and my back has been a bit sore. Will is looking for an outside job now. Being in business for yourself does not always help pay the bills and that is the reality of it now. Hopefully he can find something that allows him to blend his skills and passion for photography, even if it's in the off hours. Despite the challenges, life is good.

Daughter Racheal turns 27-August 18, 2012

I cannot imagine where the years have gone. I remember the day Racheal was born like it was yesterday. I woke up around 1:00am feeling a bit crampy, not unlike the previous few days/weeks. Within the hour I knew it was real labour and woke my husband up. He dawdled a bit and got a shower and grabbed some tea and food. By the time we were making the 20 minute drive, he was running red lights. I was 8cm dilated when we got to the hospital and she was born at 3:17am. She was this perfect pink little girl and I was in awe of her. I had 2 boys previously, my sister had 2 boys, my brother had 2 boys, my husband was 1 of 5 boys (1 girl) so I had expected that I would continue to have boys and I loved being a Mother to boys, so this was unexpected. Racheal was perfect as far as newborns go. She had a perfect round head, and pink skin and rosy plump lips, and a light covering of dark hair. She even scored a 10 on the APGAR scale, which is almost unheard of. When they placed her in my arms I was in love. She continues to amaze me today. A heart so big and kind, she is a Mother to all she meets. She has such an entrepreneurial spirit, owning a successful businessfor many years.  Although she is talking about post secondary school next year, I know she will continue to search for things outside the box, and I love that about her. She is always searching for ways to understand herself better, not afraid to walk through the pain to reach the joy on the other side. She is beautiful inside and out. The dark hair turned blond, but the rosy plump lips still are there. I am still in awe of her.

Semester Winding Down-July 29, 2012

I am nearly finished my assignments for the semester. I just have to proof read one and I'll do that tomorrow with fresh eyes. This leaves me in good shape to finish my last two weeks of the semester. There have been many changes at school and the mood has changed lots from May until now. It will be interesting to see how everyone makes out on placement. I am doing mine at an Aboriginal Womens Service Agency that specializes in Violence Prevention and Treatment. I have much to learn and am humbled by the people that are there. I'm tired now though and ready for a break. I have enjoyed being in school so much, although if paying the bills was not a concern I would have been more relaxed through it and possibly not pushed through the summer to get done fast, but it is what it is. Working with the commercial business has been busy, and I'm part of a board of networking small businesses in the area and I'm starting back up with my university course in the fall. I'm taking Indigenous Studies one night a week. I do not think there are any vacation plans in the near future for us. Just no money to spare, even to go camping. I will go to my sisters for a few days and get/give some sista love. Spend time not thinking about where I need to be, what I need to be doing, what I'm forgetting, is my car going to make it to where I'm going? Getting these assignments done is a huge load off my mind. Corn roast at my friends next week-end in Peterborough will be a nice time out.

Remembering Andre the Cat-July 5, 2012

Today I write with a very heavy heart. Our cat Andre who would have been 18 this November has died. He has not been well for some time and the past few day he lost control of his bladder and bowels and was in a short time of distress, but then seemed to just sleep and change position and even drink a little bit of water. He enjoyed pets and visits with everyone. I really hoped he could just die peacefully in his sleep, but a few days passed and he was not improving or getting much worse, other than his ability to move around much. He just looked like he was afraid to move too much, and I did not want him to suffer.I am so conflicted about euthanasia. I am told it is the kinder way, but I also believe that informed consent is required and how do we really know what he wanted. Anyhow what is done is done, and my husband Will and I made what we felt was the best decision for Andre, as difficult as it was for us. Due to his poor health his blood pressure was very low and the medication took quite a long time to work. It did not pump through his body with much force. He fell into a deep sleep, but kept breathing and his heart beating. They gave him a second injection and eventually had to inject it directly into his heart. He did not move at all for that, and I felt he had left a few minutes before that anyhow. It was really our pain that we were crying for, he was free at last from his old and worn out body. Fortunately is was less then a minute after the injection and he physically passed over.  He has been such a loyal companion to our family. He's been with me longer than my husband or youngest son. He has seen me through divorce, addiction, recovery, stalker who set fire to my house (with him in it), remarriage, birth, death of my father and others, marriages of my children and birth of grandchildren, jobs and job losses. He has been there through the good times and the lowest of low times, always loving me unconditionally. This has been much harder than I expected and I feel such grief. A friend sent me a poem that I will share as I grieve and miss my special friend and loyal companion.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...