Welcoming Ramya-September 30, 2012

It is the last day of September and I cannot believe the month is over. I love my placement and am learning new skills daily. I most enjoy the community resource meeting in Oshawa. It was lots of idea sharing and they are a progressive bunch. I really like them. I love travelling with Nancy the long term counsellor. She is an amazing woman and teacher. We started a new group last week and it went very well. I know many of the women now and they know me. It seems like I have been there longer. This week we have the sisters in spirit vigil, which will be a silent walk and then vigil with a speaker and reading aloud the 528 missing or murdered Aboriginal women in Canada. I went into Toronto on Friday to visit three of the Aboriginal friendship centres/womens resource centre and got to talk to the volunteer co-ordinators at two of the three and got information from the other. All in all a great day. Ramya our international student from southern India is here to stay with us this year. She is renting a room from us and going to U.O.I.T. I'm sure it will be a learning experience for everyone and I look forward to getting to know her better. I'm having a few issues with allergies. I started some Valerian Root and GABA from the health food store to help me sleep, but my mouth is swollen and sore, so I guess that is the end of that. My beautiful sista-friend is coming in the end of the week for our sisters in spirit vigil and we will be making native drums the next day. My new grandchild is due any day.  Life is good.

Placement first 2 weeks-September 16, 2012

What a few weeks I have had. I have had a wide range of experiences and feelings during this time. My first week I was frustrated and felt like I had possibly made a terrible choice. It seemed very disorganized and I was unsure of how I saw myself fitting in. I made a time to meet with my supervisor Monday morning and things have fallen into place nicely now. I have a sense of purpose and have admiration for the work that the workers do every day with little funding. I have had the opportunity to do many counselling sessions, shadowing the long term counsellor and participating in a minor way. I have experienced a group session for sexual abuse survivors that included art therapy, been to community resource meetings, helped host a lunch/activity for the Grannies, done some research. I started my Indigenous Studies at Trent last week and the Professor does not seem to be inspiring, but I will keep an open mind. We have a room for rent in our house now and have a PhD student from India going to UOIT looking at it tomorrow. I have my 2 weeks off now from cleaning, and I'm so happy to have a break from it, my body is hurting. My elbow hurts and my back has been a bit sore. Will is looking for an outside job now. Being in business for yourself does not always help pay the bills and that is the reality of it now. Hopefully he can find something that allows him to blend his skills and passion for photography, even if it's in the off hours. Despite the challenges, life is good.

Daughter Racheal turns 27-August 18, 2012

I cannot imagine where the years have gone. I remember the day Racheal was born like it was yesterday. I woke up around 1:00am feeling a bit crampy, not unlike the previous few days/weeks. Within the hour I knew it was real labour and woke my husband up. He dawdled a bit and got a shower and grabbed some tea and food. By the time we were making the 20 minute drive, he was running red lights. I was 8cm dilated when we got to the hospital and she was born at 3:17am. She was this perfect pink little girl and I was in awe of her. I had 2 boys previously, my sister had 2 boys, my brother had 2 boys, my husband was 1 of 5 boys (1 girl) so I had expected that I would continue to have boys and I loved being a Mother to boys, so this was unexpected. Racheal was perfect as far as newborns go. She had a perfect round head, and pink skin and rosy plump lips, and a light covering of dark hair. She even scored a 10 on the APGAR scale, which is almost unheard of. When they placed her in my arms I was in love. She continues to amaze me today. A heart so big and kind, she is a Mother to all she meets. She has such an entrepreneurial spirit, owning a successful businessfor many years.  Although she is talking about post secondary school next year, I know she will continue to search for things outside the box, and I love that about her. She is always searching for ways to understand herself better, not afraid to walk through the pain to reach the joy on the other side. She is beautiful inside and out. The dark hair turned blond, but the rosy plump lips still are there. I am still in awe of her.

Semester Winding Down-July 29, 2012

I am nearly finished my assignments for the semester. I just have to proof read one and I'll do that tomorrow with fresh eyes. This leaves me in good shape to finish my last two weeks of the semester. There have been many changes at school and the mood has changed lots from May until now. It will be interesting to see how everyone makes out on placement. I am doing mine at an Aboriginal Womens Service Agency that specializes in Violence Prevention and Treatment. I have much to learn and am humbled by the people that are there. I'm tired now though and ready for a break. I have enjoyed being in school so much, although if paying the bills was not a concern I would have been more relaxed through it and possibly not pushed through the summer to get done fast, but it is what it is. Working with the commercial business has been busy, and I'm part of a board of networking small businesses in the area and I'm starting back up with my university course in the fall. I'm taking Indigenous Studies one night a week. I do not think there are any vacation plans in the near future for us. Just no money to spare, even to go camping. I will go to my sisters for a few days and get/give some sista love. Spend time not thinking about where I need to be, what I need to be doing, what I'm forgetting, is my car going to make it to where I'm going? Getting these assignments done is a huge load off my mind. Corn roast at my friends next week-end in Peterborough will be a nice time out.

Remembering Andre the Cat-July 5, 2012

Today I write with a very heavy heart. Our cat Andre who would have been 18 this November has died. He has not been well for some time and the past few day he lost control of his bladder and bowels and was in a short time of distress, but then seemed to just sleep and change position and even drink a little bit of water. He enjoyed pets and visits with everyone. I really hoped he could just die peacefully in his sleep, but a few days passed and he was not improving or getting much worse, other than his ability to move around much. He just looked like he was afraid to move too much, and I did not want him to suffer.I am so conflicted about euthanasia. I am told it is the kinder way, but I also believe that informed consent is required and how do we really know what he wanted. Anyhow what is done is done, and my husband Will and I made what we felt was the best decision for Andre, as difficult as it was for us. Due to his poor health his blood pressure was very low and the medication took quite a long time to work. It did not pump through his body with much force. He fell into a deep sleep, but kept breathing and his heart beating. They gave him a second injection and eventually had to inject it directly into his heart. He did not move at all for that, and I felt he had left a few minutes before that anyhow. It was really our pain that we were crying for, he was free at last from his old and worn out body. Fortunately is was less then a minute after the injection and he physically passed over.  He has been such a loyal companion to our family. He's been with me longer than my husband or youngest son. He has seen me through divorce, addiction, recovery, stalker who set fire to my house (with him in it), remarriage, birth, death of my father and others, marriages of my children and birth of grandchildren, jobs and job losses. He has been there through the good times and the lowest of low times, always loving me unconditionally. This has been much harder than I expected and I feel such grief. A friend sent me a poem that I will share as I grieve and miss my special friend and loyal companion.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

My first child is 30-June 14, 1982

My first child Shawn was born 30 years ago. It seems impossible to me that it's been that long. He as born at 10:54pm 7lbs 1oz at 40 weeks after about a 7 hour labor, which is not so bad for a first time. Back then they kept you in the hospital for 5 days for an uncomplicated delivery.

I remember how excited I was to become a mother at the tender age of 18. He was and is such a joy to have. He was a happy sweet baby and independant and respectful little boy and has grown into a loving, kind and responsible man and father to his almost 2 children.

I am so grateful to have him in my life.

Friendship with my sister Linda-June 3, 2012

I had to write a short journal entry for a class about an important friendship that I have had, so here it is.

An important friendship in my life is one with my sister Linda. There is an age difference of seven years between the two of us and there was no type of  friendship until we were around 18 and 25 years old. Even then, it was not what I would consider a close relationship.

 My definition of a close friendship with a person is that you are willing to share any problem with them, be completely honest and know that they will not judge you. It is always a reciprocal relationship. Conflicts are discussed openly and resolved without fearing a loss of the friendship. My close friendships are people that accept me the way I am, imperfections and all, and I feel the same way about them.

My definition of a close friendship has changed over the years. 25 years ago, my definition was less intense. I expected less from people, mainly because I was afraid they could not live up to my expectation and I usually got what I expected. I pretended to be something I was not and I never let my guard down. Therefore, I did not attract people that were any different than I acted. I had many superficial friendships and felt that I had such intense feelings that nobody could understand or accept if they ever knew the real me. Thank goodness, I was wrong about that. It was just my stinking thinking once again.

Linda and I kept in touch and were both busy living our "important" lives however; we both hit a wall of crisis within a few years of each other.  About 15 years ago I went through turmoil and change in my life. And, due to the fact I had never allowed people to see the real me, when the "real me" came out, it was surprising, shocking and also mixed with relief.  Working through my program of recovery, I got honest with others, made amends to those that I needed to, which included her and started to live an authentic life. My inner and out self were finally beginning to match. Perhaps it acted as a catharsis for my sister or perhaps it was just her time for change as well. She started to make some meaningful life changes that included removing unhealthy things and people from her life and adding some healthy things. We moved forward together sharing a common goal of healing and healthy living. She threw herself into yoga and meditation and I threw myself into a self-help program. Although it may sound like we were pursuing very different things, it felt common to us. The means may have been different, but the result we were pursuing was similar. We both aspired to have joyful, mindful lives while enjoying superior emotional, mental and physical health. This does not mean that we have always been successful with this. We have experienced some low points, such as the death of our father, divorce and many other things. The difference is we always call each other to share our troubles honestly and often there is no solution, but we know the other is there to listen and be fully present in the moment. She teaches me so much about myself and I hope I am able to do the same for her. She is fearless in her pursuit of her dreams and inspires me with her courage.

My sister and I were finally in a position in our lives to take a trip together last summer. We went to Nelson, British Columbia and spent a week at a fabulous hostel with no plans for the day except waking up and deciding what we wanted to do with the day. Usually it was something we both wanted to do, sometimes it was nothing, sometimes it was different from the other, and always it was ok.  Every night we could be found on the big white porch of the White House backpacker’s hostel drinking peppermint tea and talking and laughing, lots of laughing.

We are very different people Linda and I, but we now accept each other unconditionally and value the differences we have. We have the ability to have a misunderstanding or disagreement, address it, and then move on. Our relationship has gone through so many stages and changes that have tested our patience and commitment. I believe it only makes our relationship special and ultimately stronger in the end.

  Our husbands are supportive and understanding of our independant spirits and we are very lucky to have them in our lives.

We talk about being old women and travelling the world together.

I cannot think of anyone else I would rather do this with than my sister Linda.