Beginnings and Endings-April 30, 2012

It is the last day of April. I will be happy and relieved to say good-bye to the past month. It has been incredibly stressful and painful, but also provided me with the opportunity to grow and change. I have been finished school for over a week now, finished with a 94% average  but spent most of that week feeling ill. Short of breath and coughing, slightly feverish. I believe that the body fights things off as needed, but eventually it needs to surrender and once I finished everything I needed to do, it said "enough" I need a rest! So today I woke up without a headache and feel pretty good...hurray! I am working again today with a new person that has 2 months sobriety, and going through the steps with her, helps me grow as well.  My relationship with my husband is hitting a whole new level of intimacy, and although fulfilling, it also can be so hard at times. "they never said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it", whoever "they" are, better be right! Sometimes things need to change in order to get better, and that is where we are at. We've been through alot together in the past year and a half, so change has been non-stop and at times we have been as well. This is an opportunity for us to redefine our needs and dreams while we move to a whole other level and I am ready for it. My son sold and bought a new house in the last week. I have one more week before I start back and I plan to enjoy it. The weather is suppose to be great this week, and I'm going to spend some time with my grandson, and maybe get a haircut, a pedicure and I have coupon for a 30 minute massage I am going to attempt to use. My sister is coming in at the end of the week, so I am looking forward to seeing her. She is going to be moving far away soon, and I want to hold onto these precious visits.  Last week was all about other people and healing and this week is all about taking care of me and empowering myself further. Hello May!

Gathering Strength-April 17, 2012

It has been an incredibly busy and draining couple of weeks, but I'm gettting a break very soon. An exam tomorrow, and two on Thursday, then a couple of final workshops on Friday and the semester is done! 2 weeks off and then back to it. The flowers are starting to bloom and my beautiful flowering bush should be opening up in another few days or a week. Change is in the air. I am struggling with a few emotional things that are quite heartbreaking, but I know if I stay true to myself and do the next right thing, it will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end. I'm glad I have lots of good people to share with that I trust. I have many things to be grateful for. So I am going to take my time and be kind and patient with myself and others right now, and trust that I will know what I need to do.

Just plain tired-April 1, 2012

Relationships have been very draining this week-end, more an accumulation of relationships that has caught up to me this week-end. I'm tired of working so hard at it, on top of it, something from someone revealed a burden that was placed on my heart. I understand why this person needed to talk, I just don't think maybe I should have been the receiving end of it, it's just too much for me. It may send me into therapy. I'm just plain tired. Glad to be back to school and routine tomorrow.
In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you love? How deeply did you learn to let go?
~The Buddha

Peace, Serenity and Joy-March 28, 2012

Coming to the end of the semester and I feel comfortable with where I am at. I have worked hard and gotten good marks so far and feel well prepared going into the last few weeks. I have also been doing quite a bit of service work in my 12 step program, it is bringing me contentment in my own recovery as well. "You have to give it away to keep it" is a true statement if I ever heard one. I am also back to exercising. Getting to the gym 4-5 days a week, and I feel great. I feel like I am caring for mind body and soul right now. Not everything in life is perfect by any stretch, attempting to stay positive about finances, or lack of them. I know it will all fall into place as it needs to. I am so blessed with abundance in many ways. I have an amazing family although it is difficult to maintain strong relationships in the midst of constant stress and not everyone around me has a program of recovery to work with. I am learning and growing every day, and I know that I can only control one person, just me.

Spring beautiful spring-March 16, 2012

My goodness, it is such a beautiful spring day, although spring is officially a few days away yet we have enjoyed temperatures in the high teens and 20's this week and for the week ahead as well. I was out for a bike ride today. I am working on a self care plan. It has been a difficult few months, I have struggled with a heavy, unmotivated, depressed kind of feeling off and on for a few months. It was worst about six weeks ago, and it's slowly lifted and I feel much more like my old self the past few weeks. I have decided I need to get healthier. Including eating better and exercising regularily, additionally getting more involved in my 12 step program and the people in it.

School is going well, and my new goal is to finish with a 90% overall average. A high goal to be sure, but I can do it. I have Tuesday's off now and most Friday's so it's been more managable lately. It is the March Break and hubby Will and Christian are at the sportsmans show today. I do love my solitude, it feels like the house always has someone in it, that I'm savouring the alone time. Not that I don't love spending time with my family. I just need the solitude to recharge my battery sometimes. It's been a tough year in many ways and just because we get older, doesn't mean everything gets easy with relationships. It's still constant work and some day's I am up for the challenge more than other days. Today is ok though. I am going to the A.A. Ontario conference with some dear friends and I am looking forward to a few days of fellowship and connecting with people who are just like me. I am looking forward to watching the blooms open up and seeing life growing outside my window. Speaking of which I am to be a Grammy again in October and I am thrilled.  My son came over with my grandson last week-end, since the Momma to be is quite sick with morning sickness and mentioned me being the doula. My heart is full.  I got the pleasure of picking up Jack last week to have over for the afternoon. He is so much fun! Picture of my youngest grandson Jack. 15 months.

Family Day Week-end-February 18, 2012

Our first real snowfall of the season in Whitby. I think we may have gotten close to 5 cm finally. I know--hard to believe here in Canada our first "amount" of snow is end of February. I'm really buried in school work. I got 14.5/15 on my first assignment, which is encouraging, but I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed with the amount of work. I have 2 midterms next week and as4 signments more to do, and I've finished 1 already, and started 2, and there are 2 I haven't started yet. Forget the readings. Thankfully after next week, it's reading week, and I'm confident I will be doing work all week. Group projects out the yingyang, at least my groups are pretty terrific. Great people, no drama. Getting over my winters blahs at least. About 6 weeks worth of as close to feeling depressed as I hope to ever feel, and it seems that many are stuck in it this year. Biggest complaint right now it my back and neck. I think it's probably from my backpack, but a few weeks worth of pain and tension has me ready for a massage.

Snowed in-January 19, 2012

Well my first official "snow day" in Peterborough. It happens to be my youngest childs 13th birthday today, so I really wanted to be home, but my plans and the overall universe plan, are not always the same I have come to realize. We got about 6 inches of snow in about 3 or 4 hours. It just came down like crazy, and I started out to attempt to drive, but the white outs and snow covered roads convinced me to stay. So I'm tucked in my home away from home, with an egg salad sub, and a new book. I am not even going to study tonight. My stomach felt a bit "off" all day, but it seems to have recovered nicely now and I felt like I was running a fever, but that too seems to have gone. Other than the loud noises coming from my stomach, everything seems to ok. Hopefully whatever was bugging me has come and gone. I am glad I woke Christian up at his official birth time of 5:59am this morning to wish him a happy birthday. His two sisters are taking him out for a birthday dinner, and we'll have ours with him and the brothers and grandparents on Saturday evening. All is well with the world.