Living the Dream-September 25, 2011

Wow how is it possible that a month has gone by? It's been pretty hectic, but I have to say I am love love loving it! I feel like I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be finally! I've heard it said that when you're living your authentic life you know it, and now I know how that feels. The strike came and went and for 2 weeks it was a bit inconvenient, hiking over 1 km to school with 40lbs on my back, or getting up at 5 to go to school to beat the picket line, but it never bothered me to the point that I felt anything but gratitude to be there. Now the strike is settled and I've got my first 2 assignments done, a quiz done and a test this week. So much work, way more than I expected, but I'm going to plow through it. I've signed up for every organization tool I can and I'm expecting big things from myself, I hope I don't disappoint me! I am going to start volunteering at Denise House in Oshawa. A shelter for abused women. Kids are doing well for the most part, and Racheal, Sammi and I are moving ahead with our business. Racheal and I are doing sales every other Thursday and I'm keeping Angelas cleaning for the off Thursdays, and I'm trying to do my monthly cleaning job, but move it to a Saturday, since I don't have any days left. My son Tyler (23) is in school doing his trade schooling right now, and I think it's a bit of a haul driving into Toronto, with the rush hour traffic, but I'm happy he's pursuing something he's interested in. Justin is back in his house now for nearly 2 months, and the kids seem so much better, much more relaxed and well adjusted. He's taught himself guitar, and piano again, and has his place cleaned and painted. The others are just busy with school and work. Samantha has been struggling with this illness for a while. She's had the fatigue for 2 years now, and they found that she does have Epstein Barr virus, which is a mono type virus responsible for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and her bloodwork is a bit wonky, so she has to see an internist and we'll continue with the naturopath. Just waiting on the allergy tests to come back now, and a few prayers as well. She's had a rough time of it lately. Had a visit with Mom today and she seems ok, no worse at least. We had a nice visit anyhow. I am making an effort to live in the moment, each day. I know this time will fly by.

Passion found and real-August 22, 2011

Well I got the word today that I was approved for funding and am going to be attending Fleming College as a full time student this Sept, like 2 weeks! Isn't it amazing how things work out. From the early blogs I had not a clue what I was going to do, and now to be standing at this what feels like a whole new life, is so amazing to me. I am so grateful that God knows what I need, better than I know, otherwise I'd be still at the same place, being stressed and absent and not feeling like I was either valued for what I did or that I was adding value to the bigger world as much as I desire. I will continue to blog through my journey, however I may change the name of my blog, and possibly let me family(other than my sister and a chosen trusted few that I thought needed to read something specific) in on it. My heart feels so full today, and I hope that I can go on to use this opportunity to give back and be a change maker.

Future and Past-August 19, 2011

Back from my trip to Nelson, struggling with the time zone difference, seeing as it's 11:00 and I've not yet gotten OUT of bed. I was also up much earlier with some stomach troubles, and went back to sleep, not to awaken until almost 10, and am going to take it easy today. I talked with someone from second career yesterday and she asked me lots of questions and tentatively booked me an appointment, will have the decision in a few days, said it looked "promising". Dare I hope? I am actually afraid to get too much hope up for this, to avoid crushing disappointment, but I am going to be optimistic and keep positive energy around this. On the flip side, my old "work" is now training for fall, and I saw their hiring ad in the paper and the person who took over my position has "officially" been put in my old position. I have come to realize that he was likely gunning for my job the whole time, and it's been a tough one for me to swallow. I'm still confused with the lack of any communication from any of those people who were suppose to be my friends and that I helped both professionally a!nd personally throughout over the decade I was there. I continue to piece more of the ugly background together as time moves on, and I am not doubting that I am happy to be released from that bondage, the relationships that at one time were as close as any I've known, or so I thought, continue to plague me on occassion. Sometimes it's here and sometimes its non-existent. I think because of the time of year, it's here. I've had a few dreams recently about it, and them. However I know that I'm on the path I'm meant to be on, and am so very grateful for the opportunities I've had. Carpe Diem!

Chillaxing in Nelson Day 5-August 14, 2011

Well, my sister Linda and I have been here since last Wednesday and it's Sunday now. We've done lots of touring around, and have witnessed the most beautiful scenery that one can see. It's been a wonderful time and we are very compatible travellers. If one of us wants to do something the other doesn't, so what? Nobody has to do anything. We've had lots of laughs together and travel great together. We have met such interesting characters staying at the hostel, young and old. It makes me happy that I feel in a place of peace and serenity most of my hours now. The past few days we've covered lots of ground, and today we've just crashed on the "Big White Porch". This is where everything happens, usually from about 6:00pm onwards. Lots of dynamics going on. Usually the very young ones on the front lawn, and sometimes the twentysomethings on the far end of the porch, and the older ones down by the doors and table, and a mixed bunch in the middle, which is usually where we fall. We went downtown for breakfast, a coffee house that is a happening spot, and went for a little walk and Linda got lunch, but I'm not too hungry. We're both completely in relax mode today. Our energy levels are very low despite a good night sleep, so we're just hanging out on the big white porch and see what unfolds. Only 2 more days before we have to say goodbye to Nelson again.

Feeling Good-August 8, 2011

It is my nephew's 31st birthday today. He lives in Portland, where my sister is actually visiting until tomorrow when she flys back and we go to NELSON together. I think I'm ready. Bag is packed pretty much, taking Sam to get her bloodwork shortly, and then my Mom's breathing test tomorrow and Sam's eye check up tomorrow, I've submitted my Second Career Application, done all I can for Services Canada, Called for a naturopath appointment for Sam when I get back. She can use her $300 per year from year just ended and start new year Sept 1, so that is great! Got Christians hockey paid for, Sam's tuiton done, have to sort mine out a bit still, hope to get it done today or tomorrow sometime. My Yoga mat is cleaned and outside drying. Had a good night sleep.

Sjorgens Syndrome???August 4, 2011

My daughter Sam that we thought might have mono or the mumps a month ago came to me a few nights ago telling me that her glands were still swollen, and I checked and indeed she is, and she tells me she is having trouble swallowing, her taste has really disappeared and her mouth is so dry, she sometimes is woken up by it. Drinks all day long too, so in addition to her much worsen fatigue, which has gotten increasingly worse in the past 18 months, I knew it was time to get her into a doctor and really get this looked into. She has dark circles under her eyes as well daily now. Her sister and her joke about her "black eyes", it's so prominent most days. She has had this fatigue and tireness despite lots of sleep since grade 12, and she's in 2nd year of university now. Her boyfriend who she hasn't seen for 2 months due to his attendance at a U.S. university came home last week and she couldn't even stay up to visit with him, she told him she had to sleep(at 10:00pm) and lay down on the couch and went to sleep. We've had physical's and bloodwork and they always come out fine. The doctor seems to think it could be sjorgens syndrome, which is an autoimmune disorder that attacks the exocrine glands and potentially other organs. Her hands hurt daily as well, when she's doing stuff. When I look at the description I just want to cry. She's so young and so ambitious and hardworking and kind. It breaks my heart to think that my child will have to suffer a life long struggle with this. I pray it's mono or a virus that may go away. At least the Dr. doesn't think it's lymphoma since she "has glands all over her body affected" and typically he said lymphoma one gland system is affected. Although if she does have this, the odds of her eventually getting lymphoma or non-hodgkins lymphoma are increase dramatically. She had to make an appointment for bloodwork on Monday morning and an eye doctor Tuesday morning. It's a difficult thing to diagnose if it's autoimmunce. I need to breathe and gather my strength so I don't get myself worked up over what may be nothing, and if it is anything I will have what I need to help her. Right now I am grateful she's at Racheal's for the night, because I feel like I might need to fall apart a bit tonight and get it out of my system. Easy does it.

Arrowhead Camping-August 2, 2011

How is it possible that we're into August already? We had a wonderful time camping. It took a bit of patience while I adjusted to camping with a group of 26 that included lots of kids and routines that we're different than mine. We all took a turn at cooking a meal so we only had to cook 1 large meal(for 25) and the rest of the week I just took my plate, fork and lawn chair to a site to eat. However dinner wasn't till after 9:00pm, which is fine, but I wish I'd known that ahead of time the first night or two. Their schedules and pace were way different from ours. When they decide to do something, it takes what seems to us like forever to get moving, I felt like I spent so much time waiting around the first 2 days, and then I just thought, I'm the one letting it frustrate me, so I just decided to do my own thing and if it meshed, fine, if not, that's fine too. They all stayed at the campsite more than I like to do, sitting around drinking and I spent time reading and watching the kids swim, and reflecting that even though I do feel like an outsider often at these types of things, I am exactly where I want to be. I don't want to be like that. They are wonderful parents, and better than most out there, however I saw things that I indicate it subtly affects the children. One morning one of the boys playing games with Christian at our site saw his mom for the first time that day, and she drove by our site without stopping to say hi to him and he said "my mom is going to get more wine", and he sounded sad. All week the kids, some of them teenagers would be swimming at the lake, and I would be the only parent down there. I know they aren't reckless parents at all, very safety minded, but alcohol does cloud judgement. Anyhow it's another beautiful week setting up, and I've got some tasks to do this week before I leave for a week to B.C. with my sister.