The Soul's Purpose-July 26, 2014

It has been a wonderful summer. My writing seems to be on the back burner. I am going through some intense spiritual growth and at times find it difficult to articulate. One of my dear and wise friends said to me "maybe you are not meant to talk about it". I have connected with a beautiful spiritual soul named Olivia who is in the community and things are opening up in a good way. I am doing yoga most days on the back deck. It makes me feel connected to my higher self to be outside. Going back a few weeks now, the day after I met with Olivia I had a very interesting thing happen. I had been at my son's soccer game and was on my way home from Brooklin and decided to take a slightly less traveled path to get home. It was a beautiful night with the full super moon staring down at me.

 I"m coming back Conlin Road to Garrard Road and only one on the road. Looking at the moon, enjoying the drive and a deer came out from the other side of the road out of nowhere and I speed up to get ahead of it, and it's accelerating....faster then me so I hit the brakes and slow down and this deer is galloping alongside my car at the same speed for a second, I look over right into it's eye....surreal feeling.It felt like time stopped, it could have been a second a minute or longer but, in reality I'm sure it was a second or two.  I slowed down more and it went ahead and over in front of my car. I'm sitting there in disbelief watching this deer gallop away and look in my rear view mirror to make sure no cars are coming and about 75 feet back this other deer is galloping up the centre. I have to tell you I felt like I was watching this happen. Normally when I have a close call I am very shaky afterwards but, I did not feel fear at all. I was worried briefly about hurting the dear but, I mainly remember being in wonder of this scene unfolding. 

I feel a deep sense of peace in my life lately. Things that had been weighing heavily on me I have been able to let go of. I can't say that nothing bothers me but, I am as close to this place as I ever have been. It's a delicate balance of connecting with partner, family, friends and others, work that I love, community service and involvement, my 12 step fellowship, meditation and yoga, prayer, physical activity (I need to work on) and healthy food and of course my oils which are with me every step of the way. 

I've been on them for a few months now and I know they are useful for way more then I ever thought. Mood, meditation, pure food, healthy body moisture, sleep, wake and I know they have helped me with my deepening spirituality. I have such gratitude for all the is opening up and all that is. More recently I have brought crystals into my practice. The energy fields in us known as chakras can become blocked and cause physical, emotional and spiritual distress so use of these things helps to keep the energy flowing. Also on this path has been a reduction of "stuff". Non-attachment to stuff is part of the path. I have cleared out stuff to the dump, local drop off bins and stores, a yard sale, selling online and still more to go. My soul friend Olivia posted a link online and this spoke to me about my goals right now with the "stuff" so I'll close with it. Namaste.

The Law of Attachment

Your Ego has wants, your Soul has needs. You may not get what you want but you will definitely get what you need for your healing, growth and evolvement.
Your Ego wants create attachments to things that you want to make you feel better about yourself. Your wants you are attached to will manipulate and control your inner sense of worth and happiness. If you receive your wants you are attached to those wants being received, and remaining, to feel worthy and happy. If you don't receive these wants or they do not remain or sustain themselves, you feel unworthy and not happy. Attachment creates conditional acceptance and determines your fluctuating inner self worth attitudes. Being attached to something creates dependency. You act like a puppet on a string being manipulated and controlled in conditional acceptance and conditional love.
The converse, being detached, comes from your Soul and creates unconditional acceptance of yourself, by yourself, and unconditional self love resulting in positive self worthiness.

Remembering Mom and moving on May 1, 2014

Today is the 1 year anniversary of when my Mom died. I am having a challenging time today and feel like I am reliving much of last year. I was so tired last night and slept for 9 hours, waking at 10am this morning but, wanting to go back to sleep, got up instead. The very first thing I thought I when I saw the time was, this time last year I was walking into Moms room and saw how sick she looked and she told me I should call people if they wanted to come before she died. I immediately got on the phone to my sister in B.C. and she rearranged her flights to come that day Wednesday instead of the next day. I tried to get hold of my brother and could not. I left messages for him everywhere I could think to but he was doing some chores with a friend, getting wood or something to or from the cabin. My daughter Racheal arrived with a basket of food and snacks, then one by one my children arrived. My daughter in law brought the two youngest grandchildren in and then as evening drew, Mom's agitation grew to calmness. I slipped my arm around her head and placed my other arm across her chest and placed my head down with hers as she passed into whatever comes next. I think she had left already but her body died around 8:50pm. Every segment of time today has a memory associated with it. I have just given into the day as it is and know I must feel what I feel or it will just come up later. I turned down a work shift since I thought I should just be in this day. I went and picked up two perennial plants today and planted them to honor my Moms memory.
Yesterday I went with my sweet friend Christine from work. We got our noses pierced. Mom would have hated it. That's the moving on part

Christine and I right after our nose piercing

 Life was meant to be lived and Mom knew that and would want everyone to carry on and live full lives. Tomorrow will come soon enough and then 1 year will be passed. Things change and time moves on. Anusha left 2 weeks ago and went back to India. So our house is changing and shrinking again. One thing for sure in life, change is constant.

Spring is here-April 11, 2014

Warm temperatures and sunshine are here at last. I have been extremely busy the past month. Lots of work and lots of training. I was away at Ontario Regional Conference in Toronto and had a blast. A bit of a crash followed that. I got into about a week long funk. Felt really down and was a bit worried but, it turned around and I am back to my optimistic happy self. I am putting it down to a combination of things. As Mom's 1 year anniversary approach in a few weeks I have been remember "this time last year" and feeling the loss all over again. There have been some things going on with my kids and as much as I try to practice healthy detachment I guess I am who I am and I feel when my kids are going through hard times. Some tension around an issue and then I got my first palliative care patient and was unable to work with her because she went downhill so quickly she was non-responsive and so I supported her daughter for about 10 days and she died. Breast, liver and lung cancer. I am declining more clients until I get past the 1 year anniversary now.
My dear friend got terminated yesterday from her job she has been at for 24 years. No fault and business cutbacks all over the company. It has been hard watching her go through this as I know exactly how she feels. The emotional upheaval and fear can be paralyzing. I remember how lost and directionless I felt and the overwhelming sense of disbelief. It was one of the worst experiences of my life and in hindsight one of the best. It helped me develop a strong faith and brought me to the path I am on now. She is strong and will get through it but, the hard part is knowing that there is really nothing I can do to help other than share my experience strength and hope and be there to let her know she's not alone. My sister had her breast off on Wednesday. Hopefully this means that she can put the cancer and stress behind her and get busy living the dream. I finished my exam tonight for philosophy and could not be happier. All is good.

Where is the balance to enjoy the view-March 5, 2014

Daughter Racheal and Grand daughter Lydia

Hanging out at my sister in laws house on Christmas Eve with family

Well, I sure have not been on the ball with writing this winter. I have been working so many hours, I feel like I need two of me. Once again I am having a challenge with balance in my life. The addictive and personality traits I have tell me to do all or nothing. I tend to lean to the side of all. When I get out of balance I suffer. It seems like I could work 7 days a week between the two right now. Calls come in often and I am working 6 days a week. When I pick up shifts I feel like I need to take them, in case they don't come again and to build up my seniority so I can get full time work. However the past few weeks on my one day off I end up exhausted and in bed. So many sick people around me ALL the time, it's remarkable that I don't get sick even more. I felt kind of yucky yesterday but, pushed through and worked last night. Today I'm just too tired. Not throwing up or nose running even. Just feel like my sinus's are all clogged up in the back of my head, coughing a bit and tired..so tired and a low grade fever. Definitely fighting something off. Been juicing and eating well. No diet coke for about a month. Maybe that has helped keep me from getting the full on colds and flu's that many around me have. On Friday I took over the shift from someone who ended up getting a full out flu on Saturday. I usually wipe the phone and keyboard and all that off when I go in but, it was absolutely nuts when I went in and did not do that this time. She is still off work 4 days later. Tried to get up a couple of times today and hit the shower but, no go. Crawled back in bed and hope to feel better tomorrow. I said no to many shifts so that I have today and tomorrow off-2 days in a row. Glad now that I did that. I hope to feel well tomorrow so I can be up and about. Who wants to be sick on their only days off? I have a paper to write for my university class that just got posted today and is due a week tomorrow. I hope to get it done tomorrow since I work every day after that until next week-end. I still absolutely love what I'm doing, it's just balancing all areas of my life so work is not the dominating factor. I have always been that person who wants and loves to be with their children and grandchildren. Be part of every celebration, planning with them for weddings and babies, helping them through challenges and sharing all parts of their lives.  I could never move away permanently to somewhere else if my children and grandchildren were here. I like to drop in and have sleepovers and go to their school functions. If they call and want me to come over, just go. Pick them up and bring them for a play, picnics in the park in summertime and being part of their memories as they grow up. My kids have such a wonderful relationship with their Grandma on their fathers side and that is how I want it to be for my grandchildren. A safe place to land. Anyhow, my life has gotten too far out of balance to really enjoy all of those things that I value so much. This will be my goal into the spring..to achieve balance. I know other people love where they live because of the community or the amenities or the weather. I am the same, I love where I live because of the view. As seen below and above.

Oldest grandchildren Cassandra and Taylor

Skate party with son Shawn and grandson Jack

Taylor at Christians party

The brothers and brother in law and dad to celebrate Christians 15th birthday at paintball

Grandchild Lydias 1st birthday

January 26, 2014-Another birthday party

Another birthday party indeed. My youngest son Christian turned 15 a week ago on January 19 but, he was sick and we postponed the birthday celebration till today. So, he decided he wanted a family party. His brothers going paintballing first and then food and cake back at the house and that is what we did. They had great fun. All the grandchildren were here and how does life get better then that I ask? It doesn't.
 My work is going along well and I'm enjoying it very much. I hope to get out cross country skiing this week. We have lots of fresh powder snow. I have a few days off this week and must say, am looking forward to getting out in the snow. Maybe do some skating as well.

Christian "happy birthday singing"

Paintball with the fam!

December 31, 2013-Last day of the year

Wow! I cannot believe New Years Eve is here...again. Last year I had just finished school, my Mom was not well and our family spent New Years Eve with my Mom at her place. The year my Mom is gone and I've just gotten my third job, I'm loving my life, miss my Mom but grateful for all things in my life. I'm not finding as much time to write since my life is full and busy. It comes in waves and I go with it. Christmas was busy and wonderful and exhausting. I worked at mens shelter 3-11 and crawled into bed that night.

Boxing day was a skate party by my sister in law from my first marriage Cindy. It's a wonderful tradition and I am grateful to still be a part of the family. They hold a big part of my heart.

Now a New Year is upon us. I will celebrate the crossing of 2013 into 2014 working at the mens' shelter and that is a good thing. The world is my family and I am grateful to be part of it.


I am saying good-bye to year 2013 with a grateful heart. I am grateful for all the lessons I've been able to receive, for all the experiences I've been exposed to and for all the authentic people I have in my life! I have had to say good-bye to loved ones for a little while, a long while and a lifetime.
There have been moments in this year that have made me laugh hysterically, feel unconditional love and cry from both joy and sorrow-often at the same time. There were times I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel and always I was presented with what I needed in that moment. 
I am filled with gratitude for the unconditional love that surrounds me. So humbled by my family and friends who are always there for me. 
I have the love and support from my life partner-no matter what I need. 
Never has there been a year with such high highs and such low lows and some of those happening simultaneously. Despite some very overwhelming situations or challenges - I always have faith that everything happens as it is supposed to and even if I cannot understand-the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.

I have made some beautiful new friends, deepened other relationships and I look forward to spending more time doing the same. I continue to be in awe of my family who stood by my side not only this year but also, every year. My heart is full with gratitude. Thank you family and friends for giving yourself a gift of time and unconditional love. 

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me and holding me in your light. 
When the clock strikes midnight tonight, I will close the door for old and open space for all the gifts and lessons 2014 brings
I hope this year will bring you unconditional love, laughter, friendship, peace, acceptance and extreme self-love and that you will know every is unfolding exactly as it needs to, even when it is deeply uncomfortable. You are not the same person you were a year ago and you will not be the same person 365 days from now. I cannot wait to live it all—One Day At A Time. 
Happy New Year!