October 17/17 The journey continues

Wow, how times goes. My lovely grandson Ethan was born June 25/17 and I was blessed to be able to deliver him into the world and place him on my daughters check. I was weeping with love and gratitude when this happened. There are no words to describe the love and truth that I felt.

There were some challenging situations that we had to navigate through her labour, delivery and postpartum period. It was personally stressful and heartbreaking to know my eldest daughter was disappointed by an important person in her life while in such a vulnerable time, over and over.  She showed great inner strength and resilience. I must remember that she is absolutely surrounded by many many people who love and support her.
She is a great Momma and Ethan is a special child. My Mother came to me in a meditation 4 years ago and said she would come back as my daughters child. She said she did not learn to express during her time on earth and Racheal would be her greatest teacher. All I know for sure is this child is a soulmate and he is very very familiar to me. The love I feel is unconditional and intense.The love between him and his Momma is undeniable.

Other then that I have been off on leave from the shelter since July to be able to be available to assist when needed.
Many lessons are coming to me very quickly. Life is beautiful.

Me delivering Ethan

Shiny, happy people having fun-June 4, 2017

I cannot believe I have not written since October. So many things have changed but, yet some much is unchanged. My dear friend Jacqueline was my friend and peer at the shelter I work at, died suddenly December 28, 2016. We assume it was a massive heart attack, she died in her sleep. I miss my friend very much and I think about her often still. I know as I get older, I will be faced with death more frequently.
At the same time I have life all around me. My daughter Racheal is due to give birth to her first child this month. We celebrated this new child yesterday with a baby shower/party with family and friends. 
It was such a blessing to co-host with my first husband and his partner at their home. I never understand when parents separate, how they cannot put the needs of their children first an d do their best to be amicable at least. My sister and her first husband were a power of example when they separated, they remained friends and still get together with their spouses. I knew that this is the way I wanted to exist and for many reasons it took a few years to get to this point but the past decade has been healthy and for the most part enjoyable. We are different people and different lifestyles but, I know that when you have spent many years together and shared five children, there was lots of love. Where does the love go? I know love doesn't disappear it just shifts and reshapes but, it's there. I am very fortunate that my partner and love is open minded, secure in our relationship and has always been able to know that it's best for the children to have this open and cohesive parenting and he is happy to be part of this big extended family that originated with me and my first husband and he and many others have joined in along the way. Our son, instead of being left out of family functions with all his brothers and sisters, is included and part of. Taking the high road and remembering the love instead of the resentments is better for everyone. I wish joy, love and abundance for him and his partner.
Now my life has been very busy, I am still in that new job and have been working 35 plus hours at the shelter. 65 hours a week has become the norm, and that needs to change. I am considering my options. I am trying to watch for signs and where I'm being divinely led and I believe I'm on the right path. I'm putting some things out there and being patient as possible. I trust that my divine creator will guide me to where I am suppose to be, if I listen and trust.

Racheal with me and my brother and sister

Daughter Sam granddaughter Lydi and niece McKenna having fun

Me, my brother Dale my children's step mom Pam and my sister Linda

My first husband Ken, brother Dale and brother in law Mike

The Journey-October 31, 2016

Halloween today and it's been a challenging week. So many things to be grateful for. I started a new job In September that is wonderful in many ways. I had to let one of my other jobs go. That is what life is all about, juggling demands, making decisions, facing obstacles and feeling it all pain and joy.

Today is a little more challenging for me in a few ways. I have been working lots of hours and I'm a week into my first cold in two years, so physically I'm tired. People close to me have some big and difficult decisions to make. I can only support their decisions and be there but, I am sensitive to energy and sometimes feel more then I know is healthy for me.

I always believe that if I do the right things and work hard that things will work out. Well, I realize that what I thought about that belief was I believed it was what I thought should happen was want I expected and sometimes the divine has other plans.

It's a New Moon today, so I'm going to put some things out that I want to manifest and know that I'm going to get through this and be back to my optimistic and positive self very soon.

Getting on with it-July 12, 2016

It has been a very busy year so far. So many changes and the one thing I am reminded of continually is that change is inevitable so, I need to flow with the changes as smoothly as possible. My family is growing up and have busy lives so my partner and I have enjoyed some time together doing things we enjoy together and it's an exciting time for us as a couple. We have a few years yet before this will be the case so, in the meantime we are still juggling multiple things that come with raising a teenager and having other family to connect with. It seems there is never enough time but, I know that will not always be the case so I try to live in the moment and soak these times up knowing this part of my life that has been 35 years in the making--is coming to a close.

I am blessed to have so many dear friends in my life but, this year has also taught me that not everyone should be given my trust. I tend to want to bring everyone into the circle of acceptance and love that I enjoy and am reminded that not everyone wants or should be there and I need to trust my instincts fully. That doesn't mean I can't be pleasant and helpful but, it means that I should feel comfortable setting healthy boundaries with some people. It's knowledge that they are not in a place in their life that they feel secure and happy with who they are therefore, I need to recognize and accept them and not put myself out there for anyone that has not got integral intentions.

We are all always growing and changing and although I've come a long way, I have so much learning and growing still, if I ever think that is not true, that is trouble.

I still have a strong sense of purpose that I'm hear to do the work I'm doing and I feel a strong sense of facing injustices head on and doing the next right thing. Just for today.

Getting my groove back-May 11, 2016

So, it's been quite a year so far and definitely the most difficult one emotionally. I am so used to be "the strong one" and able to pile responsibility and responsibility onto my plate, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of, run on little sleep and allow others needs to come before my own.
What I have realized is that it all comes with a price and my cumulative debt needed to be paid out this year. I finally hit the point where I can see that raising my family and taking care of others is nearing the end and I want to live my life authentically and not feel like I am being shut down with my own needs.
During this process of working through where I see myself going in the next few years, I became completely run down. As I reflect back, it was a cumulative effect of 20 years of dealing with intense situations and not having any significant period of time that was "easy" and "smooth". It's been about 18 + years since I went into recovery and shortly after my first husband and I separated for the final time and eventually divorced. That was exceptionally difficult and complex even afterwards for many years. I am grateful for that past 10 years we have been able to effectively co-parent and be friends. However at the time it was not like this. Uprooting 5 children and living in a bungalow with 15 people for a year was wonderful and very challenging, having a 6th child to add to the mix, shortly after my father became ill and died, I had to find work, supporting a family, finding a home, the challenges each day of being a single parent to 5 children and a new relationship and child. The stress on the children, myself having a step father in the house that has never had children and has very different expectations on how to parent were constant adjustments and stressful for all of us. Thankfully, he has a positive relationship with the children and is a strong stable support for them but, it had it's growing pains.
The greatest gift and blessing in my life has been my children and we had SO many great times in the midst of it all, and I would not change my life for anyone else's.
However, we continued to plug along and enjoyed some super fun things in the mix. Trip to Disney World with everyone, Bahamas, Mexico, lots of celebrations and positive experiences.
But, also jobs lost, readjustments to income, kids leaving, marriages, post secondary, illnesses, just life that happens. When you have so many people, it's just more blessings and more "life" that comes at you. I thought I was handling it all. I have my job title as "professional ball juggler" The end of life of my Mom, her death and losing our precious nephew Dare last year and some other things with my son was kind of the "last straw" in my reserves. I remember the first time I had the feeling that I maybe could not "do it all" when my Mom came home from the hospital and it was determined that she needed someone to stay with her at night, and knowing it would have to be me as I was the only one living close to her. I couldn't imagine how I was going to juggle school, job searching, a new job I had just gotten in a shelter, family and caring for my Mom, essentially living at two places at the same time.
My children were a great source of strength for me. My oldest daughter was definitely my right hand. I don't know what I would have done without her. The two girls from India that were living with me also took shifts staying with Mom. I had a rotating schedule posted for people coming in to stay with her and right up until she died, somehow it all came together. However, the debt of neglecting my own needs was accumulating.
So finally after a year of working crazy shifts, ignoring the cracks in my relationship, no self care, and yet another loss, my son being assaulted then experiencing his own significant struggles, and working in environments where people were in crisis and needed lots of support..it became too much. My body responded, my emotions, my mood and sleep and my ability to cope was fragile. I actually felt something in my brain short wire one day in early April. I was at work, everyone was in crisis, I had been dealing with on little sleep, my son was in crisis at school, I could not leave work and my partner was away for work. I remember sitting at the desk, crisis line ringing, clients at the door waiting, my son needing help and franticly trying to put some supports in place at the school to assist, feeling like I was going to lose it. Crying at my desk, unable to leave, unable to be productive at work and just tired of my life. I actually think I heard the singe of the short wire in my brain, it was overloaded and the debt was due!
I am on the repayment plan (tongue in cheek) of restoring that debt to myself. I have set firm self care with regards to working crazy hours. This has been tested. I have received call after call to accept shifts but, have held firm that I need two days off in a row after 5 on. I have been having some great sleeps lately, returned to yoga, started my own counselling back up, listening to what I need and not what someone else thinks I need. I am actually feeling something good shifting. Yesterday I felt that excited happy feeling again for the first time in quite a long while. I know I'm doing something right and I feel it building. I am getting stronger again but, in a whole different way. I am also more effective at my job having gone through this awful low period. I understand my clients in a way that I could not have otherwise.
Looking forward, my daughter and I are planning a trip to India for a month to do our yoga teachers training. My husband and I continue to work on our relationship and although it's had it's ups and downs, we are in an honest and authentic space with lots of hope and continue to work with a counsellor and each other to continue to grow as a couple. I see so many people stay with their partners because they are too afraid to leave or become comfortable. I am an intense person and although it can be enticing to some initially, to live with an intense person can be...well intense.. I do not want to engage in small talk, I want meaningful discussions. I also want intense soul connections with my partner physically, emotionally and spiritually. Sometimes it's exhausting, and I find myself exhausting so I need someone who can take it and wants excitement and passion until the day they die. It is not for the faint of heart and to keep passion going after many years is work and I know it's an investment worth doing. I also want my independence and don't want someone to rely on me to make them happy nor do I expect that in return. I like my alone time and actually need it to feel whole. I have lots of interests as does my partner that do not include the other. That works for us and it's a strength and part of self care.
We have talked about in the next few years as potentially empty nesters, downsizing and travelling more. I'm ready to be thinking about this now and excited about what the future brings. I also know the next few years may be a bit up and down still as we get to that place and finish raising our family.
I feel in a very different place today then I did a few months ago, and that is a very good thing.

-Letting Go April 14, 2016

This past week has been among the most stressful since I came into sobriety. It was some amazing highs and progress with a struggling family member and some (or by my perception) crushing lows. It was an entire week of feeling that my body was on "high alert" for whatever, might be coming.

 On my own throughout this, I found myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually depleted and sitting in a government agency parking lot on a Wednesday night instead of my meeting. Watching the sun go down from my car and feeling these intense emotions was as far as I could go. I called my sponsor and had a long talk with her. Such gratitude. I know all I have to do is pick up the phone and I will be surrounded by the beautiful men and women in the program and I was.
Today I am off to yoga and I will be working on turning my worries over to my higher power and letting go. It's the letting go I struggle with. I have many balls in the air and when a couple drop, they all come tumbling down. It's for me how many of those balls I choose to pick back up.

Spring and new growth-March 26, 2016

It has been such a year of changes and it's only March! I am learning...and sometimes appreciative of my ever evolving life. Usually in hindsight I have great appreciation and gratitude for the struggle so, my lesson is to learn to be grateful in the midst of being uncomfortable. I am having increasing moments of this but, I have a long way to go and I know there is no perfection only progress.

My partner and I have been working with a professional through some things and working on how to communicate and not only listen to the other but, really hear what is being said while validating feelings even if we don't understand it. Asking the questions to seek understanding -ideally from a place of love is important.
Also, challenging thoughts that might pop up, where did they come from? How do we know these are true thoughts? Is this going to matter 5 years from now. Is this worth losing a relationship over?

Often they are assumptions that we jump to based on our previous experiences we have brought forth. Sometimes from childhood needs that have not been met, we essentially bring our garbage with us and if there has been no insight or release from it, we respond to others based on our unmet needs as children. It is not work that everyone wants to do but, I really do WANT IT ALL. There is no half way with what I want from this life. I want a partner that cannot wait to kiss me, can't keep their hands off me and is also a friend and safe and soft place to fall and I want to be that in return.
We have been working hard and I am so grateful that we are able to be in this better place. Sometimes our counsellor would talk about "getting back to" and my thoughts are that I want to get to a place we've never been, and it feels like we are on our way. There are no perfect partnerships just imperfect people doing their best and having to readjust along the way.
Outside the birds are singing and we are having typical end of March weather. Warm and sunny one day and cold and rain mixed with snow the next. The birds don't seem to mind, they know that despite the snow and cold, it's just the way it is today and they have faith that what they need is coming. They, sing either way, they are pretty smart.